I speak fluent Bongyalam!
Born and brought up in a purebred Bengali family, life was pretty much as it was expected to be. Extremely educated and cultured parents with extremely high expectations from their kids in terms of examination scores as well as cultural activities. Fish is good for the brain and eyes, so we were told…Fish curry and rice flows through our veins. You just HAVE to have a thing for music…HAVE TO.. it’s not a choice, it is like the compulsory subjects in school… For other kids it goes maths, science, history, English, hindi etc… Bengali parents add MUSIC to it. You either know how to sing or you know how to play a musical instrument in addition to the immense knowledge in music that you MUST have. You have to perform at Durga Pujo pandals and all the family gatherings and YOU have to be the best (even if it is not a competition and you won’t get rewarded for it). Mind you ALL the parents come with the same mentality at such gatherings. It’s tough..it really is… You have a room full of strict fathers and strong-willed/pushy mothers finding mistakes in you performance. They know it all, they really do.
My father is a Government official which gave us as a family the opportunity to stay outside West Bengal. So far I have lived in Kolkata, Lucknow, Sikkim (for a bit), Mumbai and Pune. Staying in government campus accommodations, gave me an opportunity to interact with people from a vast variety of cultures and different walks of life. We practically celebrate every Indian festival and love the food that comes with each of them… Aaah food… obviously just like the kids in the family, Bengali food is also believed to be the best. We find it beneath our dignity to even get into the argument of which is the best biriyani in India…It is the Bengali one.. period. Nevertheless, as appreciators of culture, we love all food that comes from anywhere in the world and we are all food critics..
With all this Bongism flowing through my veins I eventually tied the knot with a Malayali man. Yeah…1st in my family performing this rebellious act. It all started on a nice September evening when me and my spouse, then boyfriend decided to break the news to our parents. Me in Mumbai and he was in Kerala. How did it go you ask? Well this was the part where I started discovering that we Bengalis are not all that unique after all :P. Both the fathers had exactly three questions for their rebellious kid:
1. What is his/her educational qualification? – Ans – She is an MBA Finance / He is an MBA HR
2. What is his/her family background? – Ans – Her mother is into training and consulting, was a teacher, father is a government employee and one younger sister who is studying / His mother is a housewife now, was working sometime back, father was a government employee – retired a few months back, sister is married and is a school teacher.
3. Is he/she a Hindu / Muslim / Christian? – Ans – She is a Hindu Bengali / He is a Hindu Malayali.
The Government Banker fathers took it in their hands and within four months, our parents got us married and happily gave us their blessings. And thus started my journey of finding my way through a new family..which is also now… My family.
See now that’s the thing… Malayalis are not all that different! What did we just talk about? Things that matter to them are the exact things that matter to us…namely: Fish curry-rice, education, music and most importantly communist nature! My husband is trained in Carnatic music, sister-in-law is a trained Bharatnatyam dancer. My sister is an amazing painter and I am a keyboard player along with decent singing and dancing skills. So you see art and culture are equally important in both bongs and mallus. My father-in-law is the Malayali incarnation of my own father. Strict, straightforward, had breath-taking anger management issues which have subsided with age (with occasional flares of-course), extremely disciplined and highly educated. My mother-in-law immediately becomes my mother’s equivalent because they are married to these men...STILL married. The only challenge I faced so far are basically the high ego both these cultures have for themselves. It becomes hard to deal with a group of people who also find it beneath their dignity to even get into the argument of which is the best biriyani in India…It is the Malabar one.. period ;). My husband and I appreciate the similarities in each other’s cultures but still believe we (individually as a bong / mallu) are the best. Apart from that it is basically just:
- Sweet water fish vs. sea fish – as long as it is fish, we all love it.
- Bengali classical music vs. Carnatic music – as long as it is music, we all love it.
- Durga Puja vs. Onam – as long as we are all dressed up to celebrate and having good food, we all love it.
- Poila Boishakh vs. Vishu – DUH! They are celebrated on the same date! So who cares!
- Football = love, don’t care who vs who.
- Uttam Kumar vs. Mohanlal – woah woah woah…let’s just not get into that for now..even that thought is off limits, let alone the discussion. Also its “Uttam Da” and “Lal Ettan” please forgive me :( !
So, moving forward that leaves us with … brace yourself… LANGUAGE!! Got to accept, Malayalam is the tougher language. My husband understood Bengali from our dating days itself while I joined a three months crash course in spoken Malayalam to make sure I understand what my in-laws are saying to each other! Especially if it’s about me! Anyway, God bless my teacher and bless my in-laws too. Although I understand Malayalam my in-laws always speak to me in Hindi or English. The benefit in Kerala as a state is the literacy rate…practically everybody knows English or at least understands it. So how it works with me on the Kochi streets is, I speak grammatically incorrect English so that the people understand me while the people are sweet enough to speak grammatically incorrect Malayalam so that I understand them…It’s hilarious but it works! Such has been my journey so far. There wasn’t much drama as you would usually expect in a cross-cultural marriage but I must say we are all individually…trust me… VERY dramatic! That’s all folks..until next time!