#borderline behaviour

[apricityjane]

My sense: go out, make plans, keep yourself busy

Bpd: stay home, dont reply to any messages unless its you're fp, let thoughts of them consume you.

[apricityjane]

Why do I blow hot and cold with family members?

Why do I ghost them?

Because I'm constantly torn between not wanting to hold a grudge and feeling resentful and bitter over the past

[apricityjane]

Cutting ties

I would love to be able to just have a friendship, let closeness develop naturally and see if anything more comes from that but it's not something I've ever felt able to do because I need to know asap if my feelings are returned or not.

I need to know so that I can cut ties and have a clean break before I become too attached

[apricityjane]

I have my fp "muted" on whatsapp because I cant stop myself from instantly replying as soon as I see a message from them.

[apricityjane]

I wanna have a fulfilling life on the go before I have a partner but I have no motivation to better myself unless i have a partner so wtf

[apricityjane]

I remember when I would think "at least I'm self aware":))

Now I think, what a useless fucking mind set to have unless I use being self aware to change my behaviour.

[apricityjane]

In the same way a child is punished for misbehaving by sitting them in isolation in the naughty corner, I very much have the same approach with myself, as an adult.

After I overshare I completely isolate myself because I feel I cant be trusted to socialize without putting my foot in it

[apricityjane]

I seem to forget - just because I have BPD, doesn't mean I am incapable of having genuine feelings for someone.