MOVE IT A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD:
Well that was unexpected. While I finally took time for myself as advised by my licensed Mental Health Professional, my partner decided to attempt and usurp my healing just the same as his. It was about a full year into our relationship that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I locked myself in the bathroom, hiding in the bathtub as had become customary. I stood in front of the sink trying to not cry too loudly. Trying to be as quiet as possible because if he heard me, then it was pointed out how selfish my pain was. How inconvenient for the grandstanding theatrical melodrama he wanted to hone. It was then, that night that I realized that I was living with a truly Narcissistic individual. A term I do not use lightly. He was at this point all about blame shifting...and the other snakes of his Medusa wig had yet to make their way to the light from the darkness which had become his excuse for 'love'. Where did it all start? On a dating ap. With a lie. He claimed to have been divorced and looking for a best friend. Someone to go on adventures with (you know the type-que the 4runner laden with snorkel (that will never see a creek bed let alone water and mudcrawl) and hipster Selleck throwback 'stache (tolja YUGE Smoky and The Bandit Fan) and puns set to 'full auto'. The type of guy a woman who might convince herself she had most of her shit together, would fall for. Enter stage left: love bombing. It was the very 1st date, and now looking back I can say without a doubt I was being Love Bombed from the jump. I mean the man showed up to the pool at my apartment complex with fancy tacos and a 6 pack of Pacifico. At that particular juncture in dating I'd nearly given up on finding a good match. So I got lazy. I made it completely on the Joe to show up and accommodate my outlandish request (bring me tacos and beer. At my apartment complex pool or don't. And I'll just keep swipping) lo and behold this good looking dude shows up. Tacos and cooler in tow. He was gorgeous and kind. Punny. And told me, like I said, that he was divorced. A father to some amazing crotch gobblins but his ex sounded like a total monster. I know now, that if someone decides to bad mouth their ex out of the gate, that it says more about them than it ever does about the aforementioned lover. That night I told him that I had a toxic ex or two but didn't digress as that was their story to tell. That right there told him I didn't have healthy boundaries. That I likely was more empathetic and prone to try and fix people. That right there was a green flag to him that I would be easy to manipulate. I wish I had some green flags along the way. Shortly after one date we had our 5th, then our 1 month and 2 month anniversary. It was then that I discovered he lied about being divorced. I had found paperwork in his hotel room (he was traveling longterm for work) that was nothing more than an Agreed Entry for terms of a Legal Separation signed by the woman I'd heard him drag by her first name time and again. How she was so demanding. How she was a stick in the mud. How she was a prude. (Language which I allowed to blur my boundaries because I certainly didn't want to be a stick in the mud too) the discovery of this paperwork made me breakdown for the first time. It was then that I realized he could lie effortlessly and directly to my face. It was then that I began to question his motive and what he would tell me.
Why? Because not a few years prior did nearly the exact same thing happen. I met a guy online and he swore he was single with custody of his daughters. Little did I know that both accounts were boldface lies. I felt sorry for his inability to house himself so I lent him my couch. Then it became clear that not only did he not have custody of his daughters, he only had a somewhat consistent relationship with one of them, and that his visitation was very seriously threatened if he couldn't find a place to rent. There I go again...trying to fix a man. It was about a week later that his very much current wife showed up to tell me how scorched Earth she intended on going to prove a point. To this day, the woman stalks my social media and invested money to create a very unflattering website about me. Yep ..a website.
So when I realized that my modern day Selleck had lied about such a huge thing as well, I started to have cold sweats. I started to have horrible indigestion. And just about then my life really started to go off the rails because this dreamboat of a guy's soon-to-be ex figured out my identity and reached out through social media to the very married wife of my professional couch surfer from a few years prior. I should've closed the chapter and written off the losses then. At that point I was left with egg on my face and embarrassment in my gut. Over the next three years Love Bombing would beget Blame Shifting and Future Faking, which would beget Gaslighting and dispatching flying monkeys..and inevitably not only did I end up emotionally wrecked, but I was carrying around a permanent knot in my left shoulder, G.I. issues (multiple Endoscopic Hemeclips placed to curtail bloody ulcers and a daily dose of a PPI and Bentyl..... after my Gastro Doc informed me I had Chrons and IBS. Literally haven't eaten my beloved tacos from Puesto since 2020. To top it off I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune disorder AND had to start taking Xanax for the first time in my adult life. That's right....being trafficked as a child for my mother's drug habit and our rent wasn't enough to ever warrant anxiety meds, nor was being in an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship with the father of my children, or the loss of a small tribe of heroes to their own demons and/or The Global War on Terror. Nope none of that was enough to tip the scales towards the 'ole Xanny-fairy. Just love was. Or at least what he was telling me and my Central Nervous System was "love". The downward spiral really started to hit the fan in the winter of 2021 and by Feb of 2022 he had made his eighth and nearly final unaliving attempt. He was hospitalized in ICU on a vent....the whole nine all because I finally had enough and asked for a divorce. A response that most individuals would cry through, maybe laugh through tears over a bottle of red or a few beers with their buddies ....but his response was his eighth attempt in 18 months. And after multiple inpatient stays and copious amounts of painstaking walking on proverbial eggshells it all came to a head.
And that brings us here...to the very long winded apology at my lack of effort into this book. Don't worry, there was PLENTY more that happened while I stepped away from the keyboard. I learned to love myself again. I discovered a few new passions in life, and what I needed most for clarity: no contact. I'll be back to fill in the gaps .....but for now I need sleep and to take those little PEZ shaped candies my newly befriended Xany Fairy left on my pillow with this evening's turndown service. You'll have to excuse me, just typing this to get the words out, while supposedly cathartic...is also quite triggering. I'll get the story out. One day at a time. Until then, have a nice evening and remember this hard truth: "Some people will never ask for your side of the story because the side that they heard fits the description of how they want to feel about you." -Dr.Caroline Leaf