Actually no. I want to write more about some things.
I love boy 29. I know before I said that our futures don’t really line up and this is still true but like I’m head over heels for him so even though I know that the distance probably won’t work well for us (me), I still want to see if we can make it because I think he’s the one.
Or rather, he’s close to being the one.
There are things that don’t line up and one of them is that I’m positive that I don’t want to have kids and he’s said that he’s fine with it but I don’t think he’s actually thought about it enough because, ever since I’ve said this in the beginning of our relationship, there’s been one or two times where he talks about us being old and having grandchildren. I always stop him real hard on it because I want to be clear that I’m POSITIVE that I don’t want them and he’s always like “oh, yeah, it’s fine” but you can tell that that’s how he pictures his future, you know? The second part of this is that sometimes I tell him things and I don’t know if he just doesn’t listen or doesn’t want to listen. This is part of that because we’ve had entire conversations about no kids but he still brings it up like we’ve never talked about it.
The second part of the not listening is about sex. When we got back to school, I had learned something from my indiscretion and it was that I realized I actually might have a chance to enjoy something sexual if we started off slow again.
Side story: So yeah, I mentioned that 30 and I never had sex but the entire summer was pretty much like a mini relationship and I know this is much worse than if it had just been sex. It started out with flirting and then kissing and then, you know, other stuff. Why is this significant? I had always dreaded the other stuff because even if someone performed oral sex on me or even touched me or kissed me, I always did it more for them than for me. I was confident that there was no way I would ever enjoy anything sexual but it was weird because 30 and I got to be friends before we took it too far and I confided in him about how I was so angry that I couldn’t have sex when it’s the most natural thing in the world and stuff like that. As a result, we took the sexual stuff pretty slowly and he was actually really nice about it and made me feel really comfortable. I didn’t spend the entire time thinking about how I looked/smelled/tasted/whatever and I even let him touch my stomach which is a huge thing since I’m so unconfident with that area. He actually made me feel really in control of what we were doing and I felt free to like laugh if I accidentally elbowed him or if something happened or stuff like that. I had never been so confident in bed and, as a result, it actually felt good.
I thought I could translate this confidence and experience into my actual relationship. I told 29 that maybe we should start going into the bedroom with an open mind and no expectations and we had an entire conversation about this but it was like he hadn’t listened. The next time we were alone, nothing from before had changed and nothing has changed since despite endless conversations. At one point, I flat out told him that I didn’t want to have intercourse anytime soon because I wanted to focus on getting to know each other’s body more through like touching and oral sex and a few days later he bought a brand new box of condoms (look, we still had like over 30 normal ones left) that were supposedly ribbed for my pleasure the next time we would have sex. I’ve also had conversations with him when I tell him to focus on himself instead of me so he can orgasm faster and I have to deal with less time of pain and he still “focuses” on me by making himself last longer even though I’ve told him countless times that it’s painful to me. He seriously doesn’t listen when I tell him things so clearly and I feel at the end of my rope sometimes.
I didn’t write this so anyone would feel differently about the situation, I still know I messed up in a HUGE way but now you know the entire story.
