Kefka Reviews the Stronic Drei (inherently NSFW)
Everyone who knows me knows that myself and my lover are insatiable freaks in the bedroom. When you’re immortal and/or a God, you either go in that direction, or you become some dried up boring old hag who sits around in an archive documenting until the end of time.
Anyway, so Ardyn and I bought a new sex toy after researching this years best new toys. After taking in multiple different factors such as volume, material, and battery usage, and reading some reviews. We decided to go with the Stronic Drei from German company Fun Factory. As seen on the website, it is not called a vibrator but is instead dubbed as a pulsator. This intrigued us. Not only this, but it claims to mimic the feel of the real thing, is waterproof, and is rechargeable. “Why not?” we thought. Then we looked at the price tag.
It is $200 (who knows how much Gil that is? There’s never any consistency.).
Oh wait. We’re both rich as shit! Who the fuck cares? So we ordered the thing.
The day it arrived and we unboxed it, we realized, in abject horror, that the fucking thing takes 16 hours to charge! So we waited. Once it was ready to use, we eagerly took it in hand. The material is a soft silicone. Not sticky. It’s not like those toys that will attract every particle of dust in a 5 mile radius, but it will definitely need a wipe down before use. Also, the thing is heavier than you would expect. And upon tipping it, you can feel the odd weights inside. It’s kind of cool.
Then I looked at him.
“We should use this on a female first,” I said. “We could get the fairest assessment and also I can’t help but feel like this will take an entire bottle of lube.” He agreed and I called my friend, Aranea.
It’s worth mentioning here that Aranea is pregnant, which means she’s always horny. She’s also had a kid before so there’s no way this thing could hurt her. This is how the conversation went down:
Me: Hey, Aranea. What’s up?
Aranea: ...I’m not reviewing your sex toy while Ardyn is in the room. *click*
She was on to me.
Luckily, we had a plan B.
Ardyn and I brought the toy down to the dungeons where we had that blond friend of Noctis’ staying. The one that’s named after food. Pronto Pup or whatever. Anyway, here’s how it went down.
Me: How would you rate the overall quality of the Stronic Drei?
Prompto: Go away!
Me: Would you recommend the Stronic Drei to your friends and family?
Prompto: LET ME GO! PLEASE!
Me: On a scale of 1-10, how pleasurable was your orgasm?
Prompto: *crying*
As you can see, it brought him to tears. Clearly, a powerful bedroom aid.
Now, Ardyn and I did eventually use it after cleaning it thoroughly. The experience was intense and it was as though the reset button had been pressed when I came. I lay there, unable to move while he gazed down at me, rather amused by the outcome. It took a good minute or so for the world to sink back in. The thing has several different settings and rhythms, ranging from the simple occasional thrust to what it calls the rumba. There are a few modes where it does feel quite similar to the real thing, in terms of movement, however, to say it completely replaces the real thing would be inaccurate. If you have not tried a thrusting toy, I would definitely recommend this one. 10/10 Will bang again.
Pros:
Whisper quiet
Several settings
Easy to clean
Rechargeable
Waterproof. Fully submergable.
It locks.
Two year warranty.
I love the control system.
It’s teal and I like teal. Look. The thing is attractive as hell. It’s just a well-made toy all around.
Cons:
Does not come with it’s own bag wtf
The price may deter some