One thing people don't talk enough about, is that the way neurotypical adults are taught to punish/discipline/teach neurodivergent children is through competency-deprivation.
What do I mean by this?
Competency-deprivation is a name I'm putting forth to describe a certain tactic of social conditioning: An adult withholds a child's ability to feel competent about their actions and behavior, unless those actions and behavior are the ones the adult wishes to see.
Aggressions can range from micro to macro. Some examples:
Refusal to "yes, and" with the child's actions and behaviors unless they are "normal" behaviors, either by ignoring those actions/behaviors, belittling them, making the child correct their delivery, or by acting as though they don't understand them.
Calling the child nicknames that reference impaired intellect, even if done affectionately.
Discussing the child's behavior with another adult in the presence of the child, and not including the child as participant.
Ignoring self-reports the child gives because the reports don't agree with the adult's perceptions. For example, writing off ADHD symptoms as being an "attitude" or "motivational" problem rather than a neurobiological one.
Ignoring self-reports that the child gives because the reports are not being delivered through the "right" channel of communication (e.g. refusing to acknowledge distressed stimming as a cry for help.)
Competence-deprivation is, by the way, extremely traumatizing.
What makes it particularly insidious is that an adult can be extremely patient and mild-mannered and still traumatize a kid by doing this. Malice doesn't need to be involved.
This example uses neurotypical adults and neurodivergent children because it's the dynamic I'm most familiar with, but competence-deprivation can happen in any dynamic.
(What's worse, people who've been traumatized this way often concluded this is just how the world works, and go onto deprive others of their competency in order to regain a sense of their own. It's a social and generational wound.)
