#bre rants.

[hauntli]

Ah. So it wasn't distance. It was just me. Fucking fantastic.

[hauntli]

Yessss i just bought all my things for my LOTAK Jake cosplay.

That gas mask's gonna be a pain in the ass. 

[hauntli]

Feelings jam below the cut yeah just ignore me

Okay i'm pretty sure there's something wrong with me. In the mornings i wake up forgetting what had happened, and the moment i check my phone it hits me like a fucking train. I purposely torture myself, grasping onto hope and thinking "hey, maybe she'll come back". But nah, who am i kidding. That thought is the only thing that keeps me going right now, so why let it go? But it's getting ridiculous. I find myself not able to sleep because perhaps she decided to talk to me, and i'd miss it. Every time i get a text or skype message it feels like my heart dropped to my stomach. That hope is all that really glues me together right now, and the moment i realize there is no hope, i'll fall apart.

fuck. Who am i to love someone anyways.

[hauntli]

Ew, fuck it.

I'm just going to go cosplay and forget about stupid things and stop crying

because i certainly don't deserve this. 

[hauntli]

How is it so fucking difficult to write one letter? I've tried over and over, and all it does is upset me further for no reason at all. I guess i'll just have to try again tomorrow. 

[hauntli]

God i fucking love that feeling,

the one where you can't stop smiling and you feel like you're on top of the world, 

even though things aren't going exactly your way and maybe you're a little upset about something,

but you're happy enough just being alive and able to love someone more than the world. 

[hauntli]

Eh it's happening again. Things are complicated, i'm unloved, and decisions have to be made. Fuck.

[hauntli]

Rant under the cut. Heh i just have to get things out. 

I haven't written a rant in a long ass time. But anyways here goes. I just really hate how unfair a lot of things are. It doesn't even make sense sometimes. You can have the strongest feeling in the world, and feel like your world is crumbling around you, but on the other end there's nothing. And they can't even understand how you feel, because there's no way to put it in words. It's a god awful feeling that just hits you, and your teeth clench and your eyes squeeze shut and you can't breathe and it feels like you're trying to push something out of your throat but all that comes out is inhuman noises and a rush of tears down your face and you fall to your knees and start shaking and feel like you need to scream. It's not fair to feel that way, and know there's absolutely nothing you can do. 

And i'm sick of trying to hide it all the time. I distract myself so often that i bottle it up, and then it hits me like a bus. I've done everything. I've changed myself to the point of making myself sick, sliced my skin when i feel numb to make sure i'm actually alive, screamed until my throat went raw, removed the sense of myself that used to be loved, changed my mind every 5 seconds because every decision i make is too painful, lied to the point where i don't even recognize who i am anymore. I've hurt myself even more in the process and the damage is done. Countless times i've forced myself to pass out when the thought of the bottles of drugs in my kitchen crossed my mind. And it does all the time. I'm a sick coward though who holds dozens of glossy little pills in my palm and smiles because i just can't do it. Because things might change. So i keep waiting and i'm afraid my time is almost out.