#break-up diary

[nox-artemis]

It's bad.

I've been dealing with so much shit recently, and honestly if J.G. were to text, message, or call me back tonight, I wouldn't just throw caution to the wind, I would just willfully forget about everything that happened.

I would give anything to have a chance to talk to J.G. again. I'm so stressed and I feel so alone and hopeless. It's bad because regardless of all of the pain I've felt after J.G. ghosted me, thinking about them in these times is the only thing keeping me from going too overboard and truly bringing me comfort. Whenever I read their Tumblr entries or look at that last selfie they sent to *me*, I can at least pretend that they were speaking very kindly and generously to me, and I can pretend and hope that they're still smiling at me. I sure would like - need - a smile coming from J.G. at a time like this.

I know it's bad because it's showing the depths of my codependency on them. I'm still hesitant to say I'm codependent to that extreme, since I'm not exactly Ms. Havishsham. If anything, I'm putting so much on my plate, trying to keep active and to prove that I don't need someone like J.G. in my life anymore, but I'm still not feeling great AND I'm still fucking up. The only difference this time around is I have no one to lean on in the way I sought comfort from J.G., who literally lives a thousand miles from me. I mean, I have friends here, but no one I can lean on in *that* way.

I just miss them so much.

[nox-artemis]

J.G. talked about a lot of past loves on their blog

I envy that, and maybe the reason I keep reading those entries is because I'd like to think that J.G. is thinking about me like that.

They talked about past loves coming out of nowhere to check up on them, past women who were worried about J.G. and their condition, lovers that J.G. missed and reminisced about.

Maybe J.G. is still thinking about those women. Maybe one of them was "the one", like how I feel about J.G. And maybe that's the reason why it was easy for them to ghost and ignore me, to move on and forget about me. Maybe J.G. is like me: still waiting for one of them to return, hurtfully and hopefully.

[nox-artemis]

Luck Streak

Lately, a lot of "good" things have been happening to me. I say that in a very glib way because as I've been repeatedly saying, I've been doing and achieving a lot of stuff over the past year that I barely remember any of it because I just feel emotionally numb. But some more noticeably "good" stuff has been happening.

And I'm thinking, "maybe this is a sign... maybe this will be the moment. Maybe. Please."

I did it. I sent J.G. a friend request on IG.

No notifications.

Maybe my luck streak has officially ended: maybe doing this really dumb thing is what killed it. But maybe J.G. will come around eventually? Maybe my luck streak is still going - but they're just not part of the equation anymore.

But I'd like them to be part of the equation still.

(weird is that J.G. monikered themselves as a "good luck charm" but I guess they only work if they like you and don't shut you out.)

[nox-artemis]

I feel like I've been on a "winning streak" lately and of course because I'm in a dumpster fire of emotions all I'm thinking about is if this will mean that J.G. would respond to me if I reached out to them again. :/

I guess it's because I liked sharing details of my life with J.G. Again, they ended up being the one of the only person that I was really chatty with. Like I've stated already, I don't really feel that successful in my life and I guess I felt "legitimized" when I talked to them about cool stuff actually happening to me, but I guess that just goes accordingly when you have strong feelings for someone and you want them to be impressed/proud of you.

But yeah, maybe the sentiment was one sided all along and J.G. actually felt annoyed and felt that I was bragging.

Better not try again.

[nox-artemis]

I definitely think this break-up induced Dark-Night-Of-The-Soul period in my life is ironically making me go through a Goth Renaissance.

[nox-artemis]

Triggering myself?

Yesterday I went to a Sugarbush ceremony. It's meant to bring people together during the cold of winter to tap maple trees and pay respect toward the land.

I went (with a friend) because: a) I want to be aware of black and indigenous coalition events (since that's what I study) and b) I try to force myself into extracurricular events to be social.

Being an introvert and being in my 30s, I'm finding that the latter is harder and harder to do, even though yeah yeah I'm a professional and I need to get out and network in the community and blah blah blah.

I mean, the cool thing about being an adult is that I can always be in my comfort zone - which is typically being out of the limelight and in small crowds or just by myself completely - but I guess years of being told that you ought to be more extraverted has given me a compulsion to do this sort of stuff, and the results usually always end up 50-50.

The event started out alright. Way too many people for my comfort, but it's a good thing that indigenous volunteer events are getting wider recognition (I heard about this last year when the police were assholes by stopping it even though they had the permits to do so). I also do want to learn how to identity trees and plants better in winter. I'm just not good at navigating in large groups (but that's partially why I brought a friend along).

Then something just... shifted in my mood. Tbh, I like watching people do stuff. I don't care much if I partake especially in larger crowds where everybody is clambering to have a go (especially especially when there are kids in the group, and now that I'm an adult, I always incentivize letting kids have a turn - even though I don't really like them lol) annnnnnd when I was growing up, I was use to being the kid who never got a turn, so as a result - even as an adult - I kind of actively try not to have a turn, if that makes sense? I know it was a bit annoying of me to do so, but I dunno it's just an awkward habit I have now. I guess it's that same general negative way of looking at events after bad experiences - like dating.

And maybe that leads into what kind of struck me into a funk, because the guy who was in our tapping group was... literally J.G.

Down to his name being the same. Literally a tall, dark, attractive indigenous person with the same name as J.G.

And my friend was like, "do you want to move to another group?" and I said, "nah. It's okay." When it wasn't entirely.

I mean, I wasn't busting out crying or being dramatic. I was just a lot more aloof than what I had anticipated at the event. I really did want to socialize and meet new people - and I could have communicated a lot better with J.G. v.2 and been less standoffish - but like I said earlier, I'm just not good at navigating large groups. And community groups are actually a lot harder? Because they tend to attract the same people who all tend to spout out their long resumes of community involvement and activism and it's like... I don't have that. I don't fit in.

So I guess I stayed because it just, triggers me - and I wanted it?? I can stay around and be simultaneously attracted and derisive toward a person who reminds me of my ex. And by all accounts, the guy was very nice. But a lot of guys are "nice", and that doesn't always mean that they're into you. If they're genuinely nice through-and-through, that ultimately means that they're taken, so why ask? I mean, that's where this guy could have differed from my J.G.: he's very community oriented and my J.G. - mmmm maybe wasn't on that level. I mean, our joke between us was that we were both weird gremlins and maybe we had some hidden rapport about not feeling entirely "in" with our cultural communities. Alas, half of this trial and tribulation is realizing that I didn't know J.G. that well and I'll probably never get the chance to.

But J.G. v2 could theoretically be "better" for me because they seem more outgoing and involved and I should probably be with someone who has steady and reasonable career aspirations that align with mine and who would encourage me to be more communally involved when it comes to my career/research focuses.

But again, this is all theoretical: someone who's that good is most likely snatched up or hiding something. Plus as I stated in my previous post, I definitely have a "type", but even this seems a little... creepy, with this guy having such an uncanny resemblance to J.G.

And to top off the magical thinking b.s. train, Snapchat gave me anothere reminder that J.G. is on Snapchat. 🙃

Yay sugarbushing.

[nox-artemis]

Not having a very productive day. Thinking about J.G. a lot - too much even for a "normal" day - piled on other crap (school stuff, work stuff). Kind of just spending the day in bed. Too mentally overwhelmed.

Doesn't help that I got some random spam text from an area code that's close to where J.G. is from (again that fucking magical thinking is getting to me, because I'm very close to caving and just reaching out to J.G. again, even though 9/10 will be disappointed again).

Really wish I could fit a therapist in my budget but I dunno when.

[nox-artemis]

Desperately trying to resolve my codependency issues

First got to preface by saying that I still have a lot of bad nights: nights were I stay up overthinking about J.G., crying over J.G., and then as if preternatural forces want to exacerbate my pain more, Snapchat "reminds" me that J.G. is on Snapchat (I deleted all of our text messages but I still have their number in my phone). Like, the magical-thinking side of me says, "oh. This might be a sign that they might accept your friend request if you sent one!" but that magical-thinking led me astray last year... So yeah I have an entire entry idea about my relationship to J.G. and our horoscope signs, but in short this is why I'm kind of annoying skeptic when it comes to these things. I.e. astrology and magical-thinking is stupid.

("But why don't you just delete J.G.'s number from your phone already then?" The same reason why I unblocked J.G. from all of our mutual social media platforms.)

Carrying on...

We had our first (non-lethal) big snowfall. It's nice looking at freshly fallen snow, but it brought back some memories from two years ago, when I planned out an entire winter/Imbolc-inspired photoshoot where I had to be at a precise location right after a fresh snowfall at a specific time. I managed to do it all and the photos came out terrific. It's still one of my favorite photo sets.

And it's like, I'm pretty sure I did some photoshoots last year: I just... don't really remember.

I think that's a major things that's been weighing down on me after all of this J.G. fallout. I do lots of shit that theoretically should be uplifting and self-improving, but it just flies right past me. Part of it is because I always feel overshadowed by everyone and everything around (harken back to me traveling with my brother). But I think telling J.G. about what I do on a regular basis helped me to cope with a lot of that and therefore it kinda gave shit I did a little bit of meaning.

So yeah I might have a codependency issue.

I don't want to sound like my pure motivation to doing things I like was to impress J.G. and find all of my validation through them... but I guess they were the person I enjoyed talking to the most about stuff like that.

The whole year I was off from I.G., I never really posted most of my pictures of my outfits/costume or travels to my other social media (mainly Twitter). I never really talk about stuff I do with other people, not really even the one or two IRL friends I've limited myself to.

I guess when you're really preoccupied with one person being on your mind constantly - and how that person in turned caused you a lot of grief and suffering - just kind of a made a maelstrom of a) me not being as motivated to do things that I like and b) when I actually do achieve stuff that I wanted to do it doesn't really make me feel that happy or accomplished.

So again. I admit: I'm dealing with some codependency issues. J.G. was the first person I really fell hard for, was willing to make some sacrifices for (and kind of did already in *that* way), and then they left so suddenly with no explanation. I'm finding it really hard to let go and that's been keeping me from doing "normal" shit like studying, working, sleeping, sewing, reading, hiking, knitting... just doing happy "me" thing.

It sounds so pathetic especially since I've always framed myself as someone who was so aloof and introverted and alternative. You know, I've always asserted both before and during my fling with J.G. that I don't need to be in a relationship, and I guess it's true to an extent because... well, I haven't gone to the extent of offing myself because I'm not with J.G. right now, so I guess that something...

But I dunno. I thought shit would be getting better with time, but I think it's the opposite now? Like, I'm finding it harder to function because I can't let go, I still hold out hope. I'm trying "court" another person and... I don't know how I feel about it. I half feel like I'm just trying to replace J.G. (b/c honestly they look/talk similar to J.G.) and if they're like J.G. then isn't it going to just be a rinse+repeat (isn't there just going to be some culture divides and barriers? Aren't they just going to have some deep-seated issues that can't be fixed? Aren't I just going to go too hard and scare them off?)? But then the other half of me doesn't feel anything, or nothing much.

Maybe I don't want to feel anything, because I'd be betraying everything I felt - still feel - toward J.G. I still love them, and I feel like I can't love any else, as shallow as that sounds. But I guess that's true for everybody. Like, when a relationship ends (either from separation or mortal demise) and we move onto a new one, I guess we'll always have a special love for the previous relationship that can't and maybe shouldn't be replicated within a new relationship. But I desperately want to move on with someone else to make me forget even though I'm probably not emotionally/mentally ready to do so. If stuff works out with this new person... what's to so I won't still pining and emotionally cheating on them with thoughts of J.G.?

Yeah. Codependency.