love in withdrawal
in which you avoid your desperately confused and in love husband
PAIRINGS: anthony bridgerton x fem!reader, anthony bridgerton x wife!reader
WARNINGS: flirty af, yearning af, pregnancy, meddling bridgerton siblings (specifically b,e, g, and h), angst, miscommunication, fluff sprinkled in, they love each other so much it makes me nauseous, fluffy ending
WORD COUNT: 4.1k
🎶 : would that i - hozier
AN: 🩵♥️💗 - god this one was so fun to write- it hurt me, but it was fun. please please please enjoy - and get hype for season four!!
Your laughter radiated off the pale blue walls as your husband, the lovesick fool that he was (his words, not yours) attacked you mercilessly with his kisses. His affection often kept you from starting your day, and this morning was no exception. “Anthony-”
“Yes?”
“We must-” Your breath hitched when his horribly handsome eyes met yours. “We must go downstairs. Your family-”
“Our family.” His lips caressed your skin as he whispered. “You are my wife. They are just as much your family as mine.”
“Fine.” You shook your head endearingly. “Our family-” He hummed. “Will be hungry. We should break fast.”
“They can wait and allow me a moment to admire the stunning woman before me.”
“Anthony-” You giggled. “You must contain yourself, or we shall never leave this bed.”
He smirked, looking up from your clavicle, a horribly mischievous look in his eye. “Would that be so terrible?”
You gasped, shoving him away and making your escape. Anthony couldn’t help but admire you as you pulled the duvet off the bed and wrapped yourself with it. Propping himself up on his elbows, his eyes filled with tenderness at the sight. He couldn’t help but adore how you made such a plain blanket look beautiful, an outfit made for a queen.
Donning your dressing gown and slippers behind your folding screen, you waltzed out from behind it, curtsying extravagantly to the man who still lay on your shared bed. “I shall see you downstairs, my lord.”
“Yes, yes.” He groaned, falling against the mattress, a lingering smile still etched on his lips.
Your dressing room laid in your chambers, on the other side of the estate that you were supposed to be residing in. Your mother, the stickler for tradition that she was, was positively shocked when you told her you had no intention of staying in any room that your husband did not also reside in.
A love match was the best way to describe you and Anthony, because that is what it was. You had grown up around each other, had always known each other, and one day, when your eyes caught from across the ball room, you realized that perhaps you wanted to know him.
The rest of your sordid love affair was history.
You smiled kindly at the footman who opened your door, skirting past him to sit down in front of your vanity. “Good morning, Emma.”
“Good morning, my lady.” Your lady’s maid smiled. “What shall I do today?”
“Something simple ple-” Your stomach lurched, and Emma frowned. “I-”
“My lady? Is something amiss?”
“I do not-” The lurch soon grew to a low grumble, your hands growing sweaty as realization fell over you. “I- I need to-” Emma’s hands hooked under your arms, helping you out of your chair and ushering you to the chamber pot as you prepared for the inevitable. Bile rose into your throat, and your eyes squeezed shut, waiting for it to cease.
“It is alright, my lady.” Emma held your hair back, rubbing a comforting hand on your back.
You sat back, breathing hard. “I- I do not know what came over me.”
“You must have eaten something that disagreed with you.”
“Perhaps.” Your heart skipped, hand falling down to your stomach. “But I have not eaten today.”
“Then perhaps you have-”
“Emma.”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“I have not had my course in some time.”
“Oh, my lady.” Emma grinned. “That would be wonderful, truly wonderful.”
“Yes.” You nodded, suddenly feeling nauseous all over again at the mere thought. “Quite wonderful.”
You took a deep breath, hands clenching your gown in an effort to calm yourself before you rounded the corner, walking into the dining room. Your husband, seated at the head of the table, ceased talking to his brother, grinning brightly. “How good of you to join us, darling.”
You smiled lightly, sitting to his right, across from Benedict. “It takes effort to look like this, my dear husband.”
“You look just as beautiful as you did when you woke, I assure you.” Anthony’s words had a horrible effect on you. His warm smile and his handsome eyes combined with his compliments were enough to reduce you to mush.
“If you say so.” The food before you, which normally made your mouth salivate, now made your stomach twist with distaste. You hand clenched once more. Anthony placed a cup of tea before you, no doubt made just the way you liked it.
“You look as if you’re going to be sick.” Your husband murmured, reaching out to hold your clenched fist.
Benedict, who had the hearing of an owl, scoffed. “One second, you compliment her, the next you insult her. You are quite the juxtaposition, brother.”
Hyacinth laughed, leaning forward in her seat. “I must confess, brother, I am quite confused. You say that you are a gentleman, and then you proceed to call your wife ghastly.” She frowned. “It is quite rude.”
Anthony huffed. “I never said-”
“I must agree with Hyacinth, however much it pains me to do so.” Gregory smirked. “That is a rather ungentlemanly thing to-”
“Shut it, all of you.” The viscount hissed. “My love?”
His touch brought you back to life, the nausea subsiding as he rubbed your now relaxed hand. “I am fine.”
“Are you quite sure-”
“Anthony.” You smiled. “Believe me when I say that it is nothing.”
“They’re despicable.” Anthony shook his head at his siblings. “Little hellions, the lot of them.”
You simply nodded, taking a small sip of your tea.
“Let us be glad then, that it is just us.” He squeezed your hand reassuringly. The action was nice, the statement however, caused anxiety to roll over you in waves, your mind going to dangerous places. Anthony had not wanted children right away, of course he hadn’t. Now here you were, most likely with child, about to ruin his peace.
It was then that you decided you would not tell your husband the news just yet. He already had so much to tend to, why add another issue to the docket?
The rest of the week had been notably uneventful, leaving you to spend your time worrying about Anthony’s reaction. Emma, in her wisdom, had called a doctor for you, reassuring you that he was very discreet.
And so there you waited, grateful that Anthony had been out on business. He would lose his head if he saw a doctor in his home, his mind instantly going to horrible places. If he were to learn that the doctor was there to see his wife, who knew what he would do?
It was not worth telling him on the small chance that you were in fact with child. Then, not only would you worry him, you would also disappoint him in one fell swoop. “My lady-” Emma’s voice rang out from the hall. “He is here. Shall I send him in?”
“Yes, please.” You straightened your posture, trying to calm your thoughts while you braced yourself for news. Whether that would be good or bad news was yet to be determined.
“It is wonderful news, my lady.” The doctor smiled.
You gulped, your voice weak as you spoke. “Wonderful?”
“Yes, my lady.” He stood, dusting off his coat. “You are with child.”
“Ah.” You nodded slowly, taking it all in. “How wonderful.”
Emma stepped forward, walking the doctor toward the door. “My lady thanks you for your assistance, sir.”
“Of course, anything for the Bridgertons.”
God help you. It seemed as if time itself stood still as you sat there, pondering your future. You were with child, Anthony’s child.
“My love!”
Your eyes widened, standing quickly. “Anthony.”
“Is something amiss?” He tilted his head, and you tried your best to play ignorant.
“Not at all.”
“Ah.” Anthony opted not to tell you he had seen the doctor leave the house just as he had arrived. “How was your day?”
“Wonderful.” The word had lost its meaning to you now, its repetition dulling its desired effect. “It was wonderful.”
You hadn’t meant to avoid him. Initially, that is.
Really, it had come naturally, given your far-off state. You’d accidentally sat just far enough away from him that he could not touch you, hold you, or slip his arm through yours. Then, you’d realize that if you kept it up, he would not find out about the child, and you would have more time to plan the announcement.
Anthony had noticed your cold shoulder almost immediately. Of course he had, there was nary a moment the two of you were not attached in some manner. When you attended balls, he was either holding your arm or the fabric of your dress. When you were with the family, playing games or simply enjoying each other’s company, he was either whispering sweet nothings in your ear or placing his arm around your waist.
Today, however, you sat at such a distance that if he had tried his normal behavior, it would have looked odd and highly awkward.
So of course he had noticed.
The family, however, was oblivious to the separation of the couple.
He’d tried to reach out, smiling ever so sweetly. Your eyes had simply flitted over, so quickly dismissed he’d hardly even realized.
Then you’d gone to dinner, and you’d sat beside him, but you had not reached out for him, you had not laughed at any of his quips, and you had not looked at him, truly looked at him, the way that made his heart sore with adoration.
He tried to reason with himself that perhaps you were in a sour mood, that you felt unwell.
Then the family decided to play a game, and you paired with his mother. That was the final straw. Not once in the entirety of your courtship, engagement, or marriage had you and his mother paired together for a game. Heavens, you’d even partnered with Eloise and Benedict on occasion, but never the dowager Viscountess.
And so, as he miserably watched you from afar, he decided he had to ask what it was he had done to make you pull away in such a manner.
You’d gotten ready for bed in silence, neither of you willing to break the peace, if you could call it that. Anthony sat against the headstand, watching you closely as if that would somehow show him the answer, and you sat in front of your vanity, brushing your hair to distract from the inevitable.
“May I ask what has happened?”
Your heart skipped, setting the brush down gently. The brush, you remembered, had been a gift from Anthony. One of many during your courtship. “What are you on about?”
“You know what I mean.”
You scoffed, pushing out of your chair to face him. “Well, it would seem that I haven’t the faintest-”
“You have been distant. Do not try to deny it.” He crossed his arms, and while his face might have been stern, his eyes were anything but. They were desperate for answers, desperate to put an end to this so you could both return to how it had been, how it should be. “Why?” His voice broke.
“Anthony-”
“What have I done, truly?” He stood, walking toward you slowly as if you were a wild animal, skittish and afraid of being backed into a corner. In a way, you were. “Tell me, my love, and I swear to you, I will fix it.”
“My lord-”
He felt as if he was floating, outside of his body, unable to avoid the disaster before it erupted. Unable to understand you for the first time. “Please, do not call me that.” He begged, hands now reaching out for yours. You had never in the entirety of your time together, called him that without a teasing smile on your lips.
You stepped back, eyes to the ground. “I wish to-” A small sliver of hope grew in his chest. “I believe that I would like to sleep in my chambers tonight.”
“You believe?”
“Yes.”
“But these are your chambers.”
You shook your head. “My chambers, my lord. On the east wing.”
He had to have been in a nightmare, fully pinching himself as if that would bring him out of it. It did not, making him all the more horrified. “I-” He realized, as he stared at you with heartbreak etched on his face, that there would be no solving this tonight, no understanding it while you were in this state. While he was in this state. “If that is what you wish.”
You hadn’t even addressed him, stalking toward the door and slamming it behind you.
It was a perfect day, the sky void of clouds as far as the eye could see, the slight breeze causing the flowers to rustle lightly. Their perfume danced through the air, and you couldn’t help but let out a content sigh, leaning your head back to bask in the sun. “I could sit and lounge here for hours.”
“Yes.” Violet smiled, humming as she embroidered yet another handkerchief for you. “The gardens have always offered me comfort. I am glad to see you have followed suit.”
“Did you spend much time out here whilst the children were little?”
“Oh yes.” The Dowager Viscountess smiled warmly. “Edmund and I spent much time out here with the eldest, in particular. Anthony and Benedict always managed to dirty their clothes in minutes.”
“He never told me.” You frowned.
“Yes well,” Violet’s voice softened. “He has always had a hard time reliving the past.”
“Speaking of my dear repressed brother-” Eloise looked up from her novel. “Where is he?”
You shrugged, ignoring the jolt of melancholy that shot through your heart. “I do not know.”
“You do not know?” The younger girl shut her book, sitting forward in her seat. “Do you mean to tell me you have no idea of his daily schedule?” You nodded slowly. “Are you two not attached at the hip?”
“Eloise-” Violet let out a warning murmur. “She cannot keep track of your brother’s whereabouts at all times.”
The horrible thing you realized as the two continued to quarrel, was that Eloise was right. Since your argument only four days ago, you and Anthony had yet to have a conversation beyond simple greetings. It brought about a whole other wave of sadness, thinking of how your fear to disappoint him had driven him away, how you had driven him away. Your heart pounded, eyes watering as you clenched your skirts tightly, hoping they would bring you out of your mind.
Eloise groaned, her face animated as she argued. “I am simply asking-”
You stood up quickly, your head light from the sudden movement. “I think I shall go inside.”
“Are you quite well-” Eloise’s voice softened, reaching out as if to steady you.
“I’m fine.” You spat out. “I shall see you both at dinner.”
She watched you walk away with a frown, waiting until you’d turned the corner to question her mother. “Was it something I said?”
“What truly troubles you?”
You jumped, whipping around to face your mother in law. “Violet, forgive me, I hadn’t noticed you.”
“Do not apologize.” She sat beside you, your swings swaying in tandem. “Something is troubling you, and I assume it did not begin with Eloise’s comment.”
“I-”
“You know you can tell me anything.”
“Violet, I-” Your hand instinctively fell to your stomach, rubbing it gently. “I am with child.”
“That is wonderful-”
“Anthony does not want it.” You looked up, Violet’s face now pale. “I know he does not-”
“And how do you know that, my darling?”
“He said so. At breakfast just the other day, he said he was glad that it was just the two of us. And I-” You swallowed. “I agree, but now that I am-” A tear fell down your cheek. “I’m scared that he will not be pleased, and so I have been-” You sobbed into your hands, hiccuping. “I have been pushing him away.”
“Oh my dear girl.” Violet caressed your back gently. “You must tell him.”
“I know.” You nodded, sitting up. “I know I must, but I am horrified by it. Of the thought of telling him the truth. He will- he will be so terribly angry.”
“He will not be angry.” Her voice was still soft, but firm, confident in her son and the way she had raised him. “He loves you, he could never truly be upset with you.”
“But he said-”
“He said that he liked it was just the two of you, I know.” She smiled, pushing a stray hair behind your ear. “My darling girl, he will be elated when he learns of this precious news.” You nodded, knowing that what Violet said was the truth. “I understand the hesitancy, and you must know that I will support you, whatever you decide to do.”
“Thank you-”
“But, you must also know that my son loves you terribly.” She squeezed your hands gently. “And he will be so very excited to learn of the news.”
“My love.” Anthony’s voice, wavering from fear of your avoidance, caused chills to run down your spine. Not just your spine, you lamented, but your arms, your very soul. “You look stunning.”
You smiled kindly, the wall you had so meticulously built crumbling to ash the longer you went about not confessing. “Thank you, Anthony.”
“Anthony, eh?” He smiled, stepping closer so his siblings would not barge their way into your conversation. “I have missed your voice.”
Your smile grew, reaching out to grab his hand. “I have missed-”
“Bridgerton!” Basset’s voice echoed through the entryway. “It’s wonderful to see you.”
Anthony almost looked dejected as he turned to his friend, bowing ever so slightly. “Basset. It’s been too long.”
You curtsied, hugging your sister in law tightly. “Daphne, you look well.”
“I am well.” Daphne’s smile illuminated the whole of Grosvenor Square as her hand drifted down to her stomach. “Very well, indeed.”
Your eyes widened, and you couldn’t help but wish and celebrate along with her. “Are you quite sure?”
“Very.” The Duchess leaned into her husband’s side. “I do hope it is a boy.”
“As long as the babe is healthy, I do mind what it is.” Basset looked down at Daphne like she was the center of his universe, like there was no one else. “You are glowing, my darling.”
Anthony’s hand to reach out and hold your hand in his. “Congratulations, sister.” Your eyes drifted over, taking in his expression, happy, but almost empty. Like something was missing, and you couldn’t help but think that perhaps he would benefit from learning the news of his own wife being pregnant with his first child.
You slipped your arm through his, leading the way to the dining room. “Anthony.”
“Yes, my darling?”
You swallowed, willing yourself to be brave. “There is something that I wish to-”
“Sister!” The dining room burst into utter chaos, all the siblings jumping out of their seats to hug Daphne and the Duke.
“Perhaps-” You frowned. “Perhaps another time then.”
Anthony frowned along with you, an uneasy sort of knot twisting tight in his stomach. “Another time.”
The carriage ride was smooth, the car itself silent as you and your husband waited to arrive at the Hastings Ball. Daphne and Simon, while attending dinner just three nights ago, announced that they were hosting a ball to not only declare the imminent arrival of their third child but also to celebrate a last hurrah before they retreated to the country for some respite. Very last minute, but they knew their estate would still be filled to the brim with the eager-minded mamas and their ever more eager-minded daughters.
You had decided that tonight would be the night you confessed the truth to Anthony, the night you would finally conquer your fear of him being less than enthused. If he reacted the way you had had nightmares about, at least you would have a good support system in his family.
But, you told yourself as you admired his handsome face, you knew that would not be the case. “Anthony?”
“Yes?” His voice was tight, strained.
“I must tell you something rather delicate-”
“Stop.” He stared at the ground. “Please don’t.”
Your heart stopped. “Sorry?”
“I know.”
You raised a tentative brow. “You do.”
“I had a suspicion.”
“Ah.” You nodded slowly. “What gave it away?”
“Well,” He dared to look up from the floor of the carriage car, eyes full of fear, of heartbreak. You were entirely confused as you watched his hands tremble. “It began when you confined yourself to the opposite side of the estate.”
“Yes.” You nodded slowly. “I am sorry about that-”
“May I ask you one thing?”
“Anything.” You muttered much too fast. “Anything at all, you know that.”
“How long?” His voice broke as he stared into your very being. “How long have you been in love with another man?”
“What?” Your voice grew an octave higher. “I’m sorry?”
“I swear to you-” You had never seen the man you loved become such a shell of himself. “I will not be angry. I am difficult to deal with, I know. If you-” His eyes began to water as he fell to his knees in front of you, as if he were begging for you to stay. “If you have fallen out of love with me, it is alright-”
“Stop talking this instant.” You gasped. “Anthony Bridgerton, I am not-”
“I still love you.” He cried out, on the verge of tears. “I love you desperately, you are all I breathe for, all I live for. I fear I cannot let you go, cannot let you leave. I will-” Your breath stopped as he straightened his posture, his lips just below yours. “I will fight for you to stay with all I have. And soon-”
“Anthony, I am with child.” You slapped a hand over your mouth, shocked at the sudden nature in which you’d confessed the happy news. “I am with your child.” He was horribly still, eyes wide. You took your hand away from your mouth, caressing his cheek gently. “Are you quite alright?”
In an instant, he leaped forward, pinning you against the wall of the carriage. You gasped, moaning into his kiss, your body melting in his touch. “Anthony-”
“How long?” He’d been peppering your entire face with kisses when he’d asked. “How long have you known?”
“Only two weeks.” You replied in between his attacks of passionate, breath stealing, kisses. “But I am almost three months along.”
“Three months?” He grinned. “This is wonderful, simply wonderful.”
“You are pleased, then?” You whispered. “I so hoped you would be-”
“How could I not?” He pulled away, and you found yourself almost following after him. He was grinning, eyes now bright. “The love of my life is pregnant with our first child. I am overjoyed, truly.”
“I am glad.” His hands loosened their grip on your wrists. “I am so sorry, Anthony.”
“Is this the reason, then?” He almost laughed. “Is this why you have been avoiding me as of late?”
You felt so foolish, twiddling your thumbs to distract from the shame. “It is.”
“My darling girl-” He held your hands tightly in his, leaning his forehead against yours. “Please do not ever think that I would be disappointed by this news. I can’t bear to think that you thought I would be displeased.”
“Anthony-” You couldn’t help but sob. “I have been so inconceivably horrible to you.”
“No-” He shook his head. “Do not say that-”
“I have.” You continued on, fighting the urge to fall into his hold. “Anthony, you must know that I was so scared. So terribly scared.”
“Do you know-” He kissed your lips so gently you’d hardly felt it. “Do you truly know how maddening it has been not to touch you?” Another soft kiss, this time, on the corner of your mouth. “To kiss you, to hold you, and admire you for hours and hours on end?”
“Anthony-”
“My beautiful, beautiful girl-” His hands drifted up, cupping your face in his hands. “I love you desperately, and I cannot wait for this child.”
“I love you too.” You sobbed. “It hurt me to be away from you.”
“It hurt me much more, my darling.” He laughed. “I do not think my heart could take it, being apart from you.”
“I promise I will never do this again.” You whispered, leaning forward so your lips grazed against his as you spoke. “I shall never ever-”
“You will not be able to.” He whispered back. “Because I will not let you go.”
taglist: @esmereldafloyd @eddiemunsons-lover @maryjaneeeee @y-ns-things @stopeatread @moonchild0908 @loviepookie @cultish-corner @TooManyFanfics_Bruh @wishesofficial @sexy123s @lennetlive @MysticMarble22 @darkfairymoon @jakiki94 @idunnowhattonamethis @elleyaps @turtle-cant-communicate @trixilove257 @punksloser @hopelessromantic727 @lizzietish13
LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO JOIN!
