#brix'tul

[brixtul]

Trollgust 12- Everyday Routine

Anything can be a bed if you pass out on it routinely enough. Elle is @artistinhiding

[rarhuk]

Breaking Traditions...

( Inspired by miss Tak’s art piece Nose Piercing Ceremonies. )

Traditions are merely customs, or beliefs that are passed on from generation to generation. The simple foundations to teach us between what is right and what is wrong in the world. The out look on these things is all dependent on the individual and what the society is like in which one is raised. In my life time, I, personally, was raised upon my first breath to serve first the needs that the empire of Zul’drak required of me. From the ritual traditions of my governed temple of worship, to the orders of my superior officers overseeing my regiment and rank, to the requirements of rules, and of regulation of the laws not only in provinces, or capital, yet, that of home life as well. I, like many others were in the service of all those long held traditions, we followed their regulated practices as that was what was required for us to do.

I did not question the ways of my people, as it had always been established to be as it was for as long as I could recall. I did not ask when the first sacrifice had been made, or reasons as why my people had done the things the way we had done them. It was not my purpose, nor place to question. My purpose was laid out before me on that first breath, as well as my last. I did not question, neither in the subtleties, nor in the broad range, I lived and had died upon that design created for me by the generations that came before.

It was not until after my death and resurrection did I begin to question, what in life I had failed to...

My mere presence, condition, existence is a contradiction to all the beliefs I once held in life, at times it can be an affront to other cultures, and even my own. Perhaps, just as that is so, it was what started this inward quest to discover deeper meaning that I once held towards those followed traditions that in my present unlife were lost to me. I merely observed, as I was thrust within the ranks of the Horde for tasks, as the Ebon Blade directed me was the objective. It was to observe, to lend aid when it was required, and find my purpose amongst the people to fill my inactive duty time. Over the years, I have served many as a guardian, I have worked besides many skilled individuals, and those that were not as... apt, in certain skill sets. I have worked with a wide range of individuals, from different backgrounds, cultures, races, and so forth, I am highly grateful for the differences in perspectives, as they are valuable. I have done menial tasks in life I would not have ever done in my life, such as sweeping the floor for a blind elder orc, to baking a dessert called cookies for orphans, I have been a drink holder from ale to coffee, as well as cloak holder from time to time. I did not see how this was part of the objective, yet, I have obliged almost every request save a few unreasonable ones. In my quest, there have been vibrant living individuals that have crossed my unlife that have left just as brilliant lasting impressions in their passing. As one such as I, can only grow so much from my original design and purpose, to live a denied life through those closest to me that care to share my inclusion in their own journeys.

Most have gone onward in their lives, growing, learning, changing, passing onward in their lives, where as I have remain the same, stagnant. There are  many names I have within my recall, of habits, physical mannerisms, vocal tones, appearances, that do not fade even though their presence has. Although, each parting for me has always left me with this sensation of keen awareness of their absence, I always wish for them the best in all their endeavors. That pattern of having a charge, or associate for a period of time before they move onward, has been an ongoing tradition since my resurrection. Yet, I believe I am better for it, that in ways unbeknownst to me I have had subtle changes evolve from my original design.

Where is my point in all this? It is leading somewhere...

An established tradition, or foundation from which we have our set code of instructions as how to behave, or the knowledge of right and wrong is just that. A place to build from, to grow, to develop, to learn from, to adapt, to change what we believe is wrong in the world, and continue what one believes is right slowly transforms into something new in our experiences, to pass that new gathered information gained onward to the next generation. What causes those strict and solid foundations to shaken? Through my life time and unlife, I have observed a few instances, in which an epiphany beyond what has been firmly established in a mind set is achieved. This is gained through great duress, war, an act of unexpected mercy, and that of the greatest blessing a life time can bestow, that of love. Trauma can shape an individual as well as to open the mind towards a different possibility than what was currently seen. War, it holds no qualms of what it destroys, and what it can forge in the hearts of brothers in arms towards a common goal. As much as war does not weep over the loss of innocence, it holds a passionate desperation to it that every mortal in it’s throng can recognize and find a commonality. An act of mercy from an perceived enemy, or one an individual did not trust in an hour of need has the possibility to change a view point. Love, now this the most difficult for me to apply for myself as a view point, yet, I have seen it’s ability and works to move those that even the most resistant.

The city of Orgrimmar, the orc capital is where many races congregate, either for business, or social interactions. Their cultures clash, and yet mingle, their traditions interact as much as they do, regardless of their ties, or beliefs, they dance the dance of what the living do in these circumstances. There are those of all walks of life, from seasoned warriors conversing in relaxation after a long day in the fray, to those that spend their time towards intellectual pursuits, as well as those looking to make a quick coin, those enjoying the tavern life with a dishonest intent, and those quietly observing occupants of the city under the shade of a tree. It was the same in my life time, yet, not as diverse in races, or belief systems. The works of love is just as varied as the individuals that flock to the city in mass. With all the death and destruction of our world, to find love, pure, true love, is as the saying goes like finding mana in a depleted crystal, a rare occurrence. This is where a tale I observed begins, like any tale it has basis in fact. I have self elected to be the narrator, some parts of the story may be missing, or from my personal perspective been embellished on slightly.

I cannot feel as they do, yet, I do recognize the presence of love, when I observe it. I am capable of seeing it in the exchanged glances, the elevated heart beat, the change in skin, and breathing, the tone change of voice when speaking each other names, or to each other. I am not always as efficient as I would like to be when pin pointing the cause of these physical reactions, as it is almost close to the scent of fear, or threat, as the air around the individual tastes the same. Love is a chemical imbalance, it causes reactions in the living that appear to make them volatile. I cannot express it as they do, I can show devotion such as an undying loyalty, I can be the mug holder, the sentinel, but I cannot give my gaze towards those I value with the same volatile and yet devoted reaction.

I had noticed that Elle no longer sat across the fire from Brix’tul for some time without bringing attention to it, as it would make the time spent... uncomfortable, for them. The elven female that wore dark shades of clothing I assumed were black, I was told had red hair also. I often arrived with coffee, even once a pirate’s hat that she had shown a fondness for, I considered her a frequent friend, as she once was a familiar face that welcomed my presence with a smile on most occasions. She sat with Brix’tul now, with those looks fondness upon her features in his direction, with the physical changes I mentioned above. From whispers to glances, I recognized the signs I had witnessed before in others. Brix’tul is one of those individuals I have come to consider as close as possible in my state and condition as I would a brother. I do hope that within my presence in their company that kinship was felt in return even within my limitations of expressing those depths of fondness. I was not a great presence in their journey together, yet for the adventures, and idle conversation I was included in I am grateful for. 

A break in traditions.... A elf and troll as a couple? Let the great debates, and judgement begin.  I have heard it all. Elves and trolls are not compatible, due to physical attributes, and so on. Elves and trolls clash because of cultural differences, how they were raised, and due to the territory disputes. That is on the outsider individual’s mindset, that had been raised on certain foundations of what was deemed to them as wrong. Those that point out what cannot be, have not grown beyond which they were taught. They are stuck where the laws and regulations they had been forged in, yet to see into the realm of possibilities beyond themselves. They refuse to question, or cannot, because they have yet come to learn there is a realm beyond those basic beginnings set before them. Those that carry a need to feed on the limitations of ignorance by intruding upon those that seek go beyond that which they were taught. I am not certain what wars the Darkspear Brix’tul fought in beyond the construction of the garrison. Perhaps, trauma from previous incursions contributed to his taste for Darkmoon Reserve. Yet, he was not Amani, the Darkspear led by Vol’jin had aided the Sin’dorei in pushing the Amani back as well. Many enlightened Sin’dorei I’ve spoken to respect the contribution trolls put forth to aid them in their time of need. Yet, with every culture, there are those that still hold weight to past experiences. I never had an objection to their union, as love, as much as life is, it is a precious, as well as it is a precarious blessing. 

I believe Brix’tul believed my advice had value in the beginning as he had came to me and had asked for my honest opinion. I do not... sugar coat, I tend to be as I am told, frank, literal, and at times brutal when asked such questions. I told him, from my own perspective, and observations statistically speaking the relationship was doomed. I pointed out, the contrasts that may oppose them, such as lifespans, opposition from cultural differences, and acceptance, as well as those many other conflicts may arise due to these natures that differed between them. I spoke further on what I had seen amongst the city’s populace when it came with unions similar as to their relationship, and the different definitions individuals carried as to what it meant to be mated, or married. I spoke to him on how I was raised in life, and what I had came to believe since my death and resurrection, in reflection as to how the two were vastly different in comparison to the world in which he and Elle now lived in. What was not acceptable in my life time, was acceptable now. My advice to him was to seize what his heart desired, before it was out of his reach.

It wasn’t until a much later time and circumstance that an mumbled half mention from Brix’tul caught my attention. Had I heard him right? That was my first inclination to inquiry. I may not emotionally as deep as the living, I may not be able to express my intentions, but what I believed I heard was Brix’tul asking for Elle’s hand in a union, and for myself to perform the ritual. I do not know in depth Darkspear traditions, nor the rituals the Sin’dorei hold. I know of the traditions, and ritual rites, my people once carried as far as unions went, as well as it went to what one gave as an offering to the loa, and the one’s intended. The mere thought I could, and may perform such a rite of a milestone for my friend and brother was both a honor, as well as a sacrilege against my prior life’s belief system. Some how, it was oddly fitting, and I found it amusing as well. I instantly agreed, of course after Brix’tul set the time and date. To tempt fate, to spit in the eye of which denied my own living beating heart of being capable to achieve the natural course to flourish in the emotional bonding that being in love and mated provided, gave me a strange sense of satisfaction.

Of course I could not do so in a official grand traditional capacity for a mixed couple. I was never an ordained troll priest in my life time, yet, I knew enough that I could perform a basic, small affair. I also have the rank to push Horde documents that could put the order through for paper work records to make the union legitimate. If the request was denied, I had some slightly less lawful ways to gain proper documentation. I will not speak of which route I took, I will leave that to speculation. 

The place and time was set, I had all the preparations needed to perform the ritual. This is where I struggle, where I have difficulties with depth. Spiritualistic magic and will, is not as mysterious as one may believe, it has properties, principals, we may not be able to comprehend all the rational, or reasons, it may have to behave in the manner in which it does, yet it is an energy that can be harnessed and shaped. It was there that night, weaving it’s way around those two. I could not feel their emotions, yet, I witnessed the exchange, and the importance of it. It was a powerful force...We all had donned our best ceremonial regalia, faces and bodies were painted in the manner they had deemed appropriate, symbols, emblems of infinity and continuance were marked in paint and blood on the skin. Sacrifices and trinkets were given as an offering, spirits were exchanged, vows to protect, to provide, to nurture and to grow from were given. While the incense burned, noses were pierced, and for a moment time stopped as Elle reached to take Brix’tul’s finger in her own small hand. They looked at each other, a devotion that stretched out the time and ages as they were connected on smiles as the two looked across the ritual bowl at each other upon the conclusion ceremony. One such as I could never understand the emotional immensity, the significance of that moment as it is truly meant to be felt, and yet I was there included, witnessing a place in time of new beginnings, endless possibilities, and hope for the future. In that moment, I do believe, however, so fleeting, I was touched by their joy.

In our own ways, all three of us broke from our set traditions, by making new ones. A tradition that may be doomed ending with just the one ceremony, or it may be carried on forward in the possible next generations to come. It is these times, of war, of cultural diversity and divides, that moments like these should be celebrated, as they are significant. They are the voice of change, that is not done out of a long establish rule, but one that flourishes out a greater power. In a world full of corruption, love is but a single weapon in a vast rebellion for those that oppose the establish rules. As for their future, nothing is certain.  I would like to believe they continue onward with such changes from their intended designs together creating new foundations, that the blessings in their lives continue throughout their journey. 

[brixtul]

Trollgust 15- Modern AU

Using Regular Show for reference.  (Kaz is @conceptsparks)

[brixtul]

Trollgust 7- First Time Meeting Someone Important 

“That’s why we gotta join the Horde. Soon as I’m old enough, we’re getting out of here and going somewhere better. Prove we’re more than nothing.”  “... I just wonder if the mangoes in the orc city are as good as Mama Zakuli’s.” 

[brixtul]

The rest of that ‘barely’ sketch from late 2017

[brixtul]

barely a sketch of a tusky boy

[rarhuk]

What tiles we lay down...

(( Upon clean parchment within a new leather bound journal. Ra'rhuk's typically steady fluid hand seemed to have a slight indication of a shake at the trailing end of the fluid strokes. ))

Tase'Laz came to me to inform me what was about to happen while she was keeping to the shadows. I still intended to wait word from Raji'din as to the status of my release. A plan between Shayna, I and Tase was set in motion as to how we cover the actions depending on the out come of Raji'din's negotiations. If in need the Iron Horde forces would be blamed for what was to occur, in the aftermath of my ' escape' for all given means that would be what seen. Albeit there had been less attacks on the garrison, it was still a highly likely scenario that would take place to cover our tracks if needed. I personally believed I had over stayed my welcome and it was time to check out, I grew impatient, restless...weary.

Enter the change in plans...

As Elle appeared outside of the bars, I had at first stated that I would remain protested that I needed to know my status. I noticed the others appearing behind her. Brix'tul appearing nervous, seeming not to want to be here. It seemed to my personal surmise Elle had dragged him into this with her persistence as well as snagging the others along the way. Muds was in his feline form that gave me indication that he was meaning business. Taz'ji was there as well not as frequently throwing insults in the druid's direction, yet managed a few. My first thoughts were that their lives may be in danger.  Brix'tul voiced concern was correct,  just being here brought them all danger. After a moment or two of listening to them, I decided I would not protest as much only offering a slight resistance to this walk out the front door plan. It was Elle's action taking it upon herself to take out the one night time guard of commission that sealed it in my mind I would leave. Poor Bruno, the keeper of mustard covered sandwiches and upright naps,  would miss the event intoxicated by what means was set upon him. Bruno's thunk to the floor gave me indication that they were serious enough that I needed to depart with them sooner rather then later. Pulling the shackles and chains from the wall, I stepped forward dragging half the wall with me, which that caused Brix'tul's angst to increase.  Elle after lock picking my shackles out of nowhere had covered my head with her cloak just as Kaz'Kali arrived thinking it was some sort of party held in the dungeon. I was speaking to the others when Elle put a recall stone in my hand, I was not given time enough to speak before she had disappeared to some unknown location. It was decided then we would depart to the location Elle had deemed we would go. I was not expecting the shrine in Pandaria, and yet there it was.

I needed a moment to collect myself....  From my perspective I am usually right on with the conversations, usually able to keep my thoughts, I believe I had spent too much time in those confines. Perhaps it was the torture, the stagnant nature of my confines, Tase and Shanya had brought which helped me maintain, yet I refused the mending upon the harm that had been inflicted. The damage I had endured would lessen over time, I would regain. I was watching them eat bean buns of all things to consume. Out of nowhere as I scanned their palid faces in my vision's gaze, their smiles, their company, they stayed. They all could have easily departed, had a meal else where, and yet they chose to keep company for a time. They continued to converse amongst themselves and I had an sense of something at the time time I could not recognize and yet it was there, in the lack of understanding. Mudmask in his natural form as the danger had seemingly passed had offered me a bean bun, I took it even though I had no intent of eating it. I typically I decline such offers in a polite manner yet this evening I took it, pocketed it. Why was the bean bun so significant that I had taken it? Perhaps it was my state at the time, some awaken instinct that stirred. Whatever reason in my pocket the bun remained, as Muds spoke of departing. Tase had entered the shrine, and spoke of what was planned had been done, the scene was set, and the others were safe. It put my mind at ease, as to what outcomes could happen other wise. What else she brought put my mind at rest, a clay container and within, was what I had been without. I savored it, a great gift she had bestowed upon me. Shayna had been supplementing me during my stay with shoveltusk, it was helpful her time spent and thoughts were appreciated. Yet what Tase had given me to consume was like a feast for my senses and for a time I was overwhelmed.

I returned to the gathering and their seemed to be a game a foot, as to what it pertained to I could only guess. I was told it was rude to throw the game tiles set upon the table, so I agreed I would resist throwing them. It was a lie... I watched the other's reactions for a moment to gauge as to how I would respond. Taz'ji seemed to enjoy Tase's company and the sport that was presented while I had been behind the screen devouring my delicacies. So while I watched things settle, the talk began once more,  the urge became too much. I gathered all the tiles present upon the Pandaren gaming table and threw them at those across from the three of us, Kaz'Kali, Elle, and Brix'tul were my targets. Not exactly, but the center of the table, the tiles went in every direction. Kaz'kali deflected I believe not only my shots but all others with his shield, send at least five tiles back at me. I attempted to dodge only to be hit with three in the face, all that had tiles had joined in. Brix'tul had taken refuge under the table and still managed to get hit much to my entertainment. Elle's ass seemed to have a increased gravitational pull towards the ground, and yet the victor remained Kaz'kali had the god's blessing this evening. Yet I believe we, the trouble makers had our fill after a while. As far as winning the battle, the three lost the war with their departure as it was so decided. Tase and Taz'ji remained for a while, speaking of Pandaria. I offered to one day give them both to be a guide once things were settled. They too eventually left for the evening to retire.

I was left to my own devices... I acquired an armor set, weapons, had my hair done to change my appearance, various other supplies, and took to the wilds looking for a place to reside for a time. I sent word to Shayna as to where I was residing in case she was to get in touch with Raji'din, and what locale I would meet them at. Much to my surprise Elle was present as I had arrived, she looked... exhausted. I was going to speak to her further then a greeting,  when I sensed the approach behind me. My uncle had arrived, what news he had was much to my relief, my pardon had been granted, the mess had been cleaned up. Much to my disappointment the paladin was dead, I would have enjoyed giving that one a slow agonizing death. Things seemed good, I would be able to return to duty, see my friends in Orgrimmar... Then plans changed, my uncle informed me I would be watched to ensure the safety of those that keep my company. I was to return to the temple and be watched. Not only that it was because Shayna had informed that I was having missing time. It had angered me. I attempted to make a compromise, I attempted to be reasonable. She had no right! No, she had the best intentions I realize this, but I was angered at the betrayal. I do not believe anyone truly realizes what I had gone through, it was not a resort. I attempted to ignore it, attempted to move to find that calm, other's were present, I would not harm Ash or Zanu, or Elle due to second half of the news. I had my pardon it was time to dance, I convinced all but my uncle and the shaman to dance with me. For a time my anger was sated, given to the motion.

I was aware that Raji'din would decline, I knew he would grow bored and find some other place to haunt as he had told what was to happen, there was nothing more keeping him there. Eventually it was just Elle and myself, looking from a rising peak towards the Jade forest. We talked for some time, and it came time I eventually told a partial truth. That fear that resided in my heart since the second encounter with the paladin, that this was all I had left. There was nothing more for me, there was no redeeming, there was nothing more for me here and yet I would be denied my rest eternally. Many questions rose with her response, and yet I took it as face value at the time, she had done enough to attempted to relate, attempted to give advice, to reassure. She needed her rest. I was left with my thoughts....

These tiles we lay down in our continuance, each piece of what makes up an individual. These parts and pieces that make up a whole. While portions get chipped, dented, cracked along the way they cannot be repaired. These imperfections distort the image of the whole, distort the connections, yet under all the fragments and chips, we remain the same in basic drives. This game the mortals had played was a dangerous one, regardless of their position, regardless the plan, the misconception, of the cost it might have caused them, or protest in which they voiced. Each one of those that had arrived in the confines of my prison, had arrived, had shown up to free me. While my concern was only of their safety, their intent was known. I value that. These faces that have reminded me more then once of what has been lost, I have come to realize although they cannot replace those souls given to the ancestors, they are my family. While I morn the loss of which is a cold part of the recesses of my mind, what warms the heart which causes the blood to flow in my veins, which causes the directive and purpose to be clear while these drives come to the surface to protect.

It's the essence they all represent, that brotherhood, sisterhood, family as much of a misfit ragtag crew as it is, they are my family. It's the risk of it, the risk that brothers lay on the line for a brother that may have made a foolish choice, and yet stand by each other when the need arises for it. It's that essence of love and dislike at the same time, as one grips their tile and all others in a struggle to hold them together, to keep the picture whole,  to keep what is known safe,  it's all the struggles that come with it. These profound motivations there is no logical, rationale to debate, it is an emotional response. We are of different races, tribes, creeds, and yet there is the wholeness, each one of these faces were meant to cross paths, they were all meant to have that worth. I understood the vastness of their expressions yet I could not attempt to touch upon it, but then again I have not felt it as I do now.  I have done them all an injustice that I must correct, I will eventually find a way. Perhaps it was what was something that was done to me in the time of my incarceration, that severed the the disconnection that had kept me blinded to the truth, to their truths. Yet now, I see all that they have done, they have sacrificed for my benefit and each other. I  believe I fully understand these things I lacked in, I do hope it is not passing sensation or knowledge.

I will do as suggested to take one day at a time.

[rarhuk]

Savage misunderstanding...

I have many misunderstandings when it comes to the living. Emotions and expressions, I can only surface reflect because of this I lack the knowledge as to how to react in certain situations. I have recently spoke to my uncle as to how he has adjusted, what tools he uses as to return the gestures that the living shows towards us or even in general. I have also elected to request Zinaji to aid me in deciphering emotional reactions as he seems to be highly emotional that he could give insight towards. The topic is I wish to open myself more towards the possibility of feeling, and being able to reflect the appropriate feeling when it is given by those I keep company in. I have failed in this on many occasions and wish to discover the cues in which there are to respond in. Others state I should be myself, I cannot be anything but myself, yet I wish to adapt as well. It is a learning process and one that is difficult and may take time. I wish to aid my friends when they are troubled, or concerned.... Yet they do not feel comfortable coming to me for aid. I desire to change that, I desire to be trusted by these individuals that I value. They do not feel safe in my company enough, I believe it is because of what I lack and that is what I wish to change.

One late afternoon I noticed Elle was rubbing to her wrist, I inquired if she was injured. An evasive answer I was given, she told me she had been slightly wounded while scouting. Her heart rate and breathing had elevated just enough that I knew she was not speaking the truth, but I let it slide as others were approaching. I remained curious but kept to myself, as the night wore on she and Brix’tul departed together, the others departed and I was left with my thoughts. I work in the late hours on my smithing, while my mind works on many different scenarios in which reactions would have been different towards my inquiries if I was more capable of understanding. Things would not be so difficult for me if I could understand why certain emotional responses arise as they do with the living.

I have been told by some of those I keep company I am not as others that share my condition they have met because I laugh and I am kind. I laugh out of a reflex I cannot explain, and in which Zinaji has spoke that I look into the reasoning behind this outburst as to why I find things humorous. As for kindness, I do not believe I act in kindness but to explain the exact motivation behind it eludes me. Perhaps it is a urge that sees a weakness and wishes to bury it. That lingering concern that if there is an exposed weakness by those that I keep company with they will be ended. Perhaps it is just that desire to make them more comfortable in my company, or comfortable in their lives because they deserve that. 

The next evening I had seen Elle and Brix’tul talking from afar, and after some consideration I approached. Once again I noticed Elle rubbing to her wrist, so I inquired once again if she was injured. Brix’tul and Elle began explaining that she had picked up a dagger and it had disappeared. I began inquiring further on it as she was displaying a marking I was not familiar with a rune of some sort. They explained that Shayna was researching and not to be concerned about it, that it was healing. This troubled me, yet I was not intruding further as it seemed bothersome to Elle. I say this, but I cannot be certain. She could have been in physical pain, or just not wanting to talk about it, yet she kept rubbing her wrist and hand as if it was an obsessive compulsive reaction. I was torn between inquiring more or just leaving it alone but my focus was drawn upon the motion and my thoughts were on what was the meaning behind this, and what could possibly happen to whom I consider friend. My uncle came walking up and from there on I was just a background witness and participant. Neither Brix’tul or Elle came to me for aid, so I believed it was not my place to be involved anymore then allowed... As my uncle worked, a transfer of energies occurred. Elle was burned in the process of the extraction and I had offered my capabilities to at least ease her pain, and to bandage the wound. After they departed, Raji’din suggested we do more research.

I know comparatively nothing on this savage Draenor, I am sent to battle, I am sent to deliver weapons, to guard those in travel. I do as I am asked to do, I do not question. Yet here I was delving into a dark area of curses, and runes that are greatly unfamiliar to me. For a whole night and day we traveled and researched, However short that may seem we discovered much in our time out there. We then returned to deliver what we had found to both Brix’tul and Elle. I know my own motivation in this... I would not wish to see a living being bound as I am, as I was, I would spare them that suffering. I believe Raji’din is the same in this. We spoke our words as to what we discovered and instead of bringing them comfort I was met with loud harshly put words from Brix’tul about my undead condition, being creepy, to change the subject. I believe we parted ways on good terms as we spoke on the club and the looking forward towards the festivities. They arrived but I believe they stepped out early, as I lost them both in the crowd.

 This where my confusion lies... I do not understand, I attempted to aid, to bring comfort, to ease them with the knowledge they were not alone and yet was met with anger. What I lack, causes them emotional pain, or discomfort when my attempts are to spare them that. I thought about this a long while. It is the same with That, my foundling animated monkey claw.... Kaz’Kali stated I should get a pet a little less living and possibly a ghoul to bring around. Something I could give the care it needed unlike a living being. I do this and was chastised for it. Although I am very much confused as to why this sudden change in demeanor, I decided not to bring my pets around as it is disturbing to them. It is a contradiction to their requests, as to their behavior when presented with the best intentions. I desire to understand what it is I am doing wrong so in the future I can prevent upsetting them. 

As for Tas as well.... I attempted to aid her, males were giving her attention she did not want. So I spoke of using my name as means to ward off the unwanted advances. It seemed to have worked for some time, I found it humorous to the reactions the contract had gained. Yet I noticed that she took a interest in Kaz’Kali and Elle too confirmed my suspicions by what she had voiced. Kaz’Kali has eyes only for Elsee, yet Tas sought out to ease what he was going through where I or others could not. It was the first time I noticed Tas pursue a male as much. I thought to aid, I spoke to Tas about a proposition of me speaking to males to find one that was suitable for her that would be worthy of her attentions. She had agreed.... Then recanted her agreement.... Then agreed with stipulations.... Then sought me once more to ward off an unwanted advance from a young male. Brix’tul and Elle, I believe were match making as they both raised their pitch and proclaimed how cute the display I was giving to ward off the suitor male was. I later clarified once again I do not have the urges to mate as they do, without going into details as well as explaining the reasoning I do this.  I did all these things Tas asked of me to protect her, just as I have done with others in her situation. I met with an opposition with her as she brought it up before Kaz’Kali and Elsee at the end of the evening of the last club night at the beach. She once again spoke of just looking for friendship, or a companion to hunt with although she was content with being alone once again. I am confused, as I have followed as to what others have asked of me and when I attempt to do what I can do to aid them, yet I still do wrong by them. It has never been my intent, as I wish for them a fulfilled life. I struggle with this conflicting nature of their emotions. I cannot find logic in their reactions. I make many mistakes by them, I wish to correct that. I believe I will distance myself further with making her daggers and throwing knives and perhaps it will be a way to make amends for how I have wronged her, as well as way for me to find a course of action that would be more suitable for her.

Raji’din spoke of not pretending to feel as they do, but to actually feel as they do to find compassion or a way to relate with them that I can tap into. I am finding difficulties with it, as if there is something preventing it and when I attempt to I am met with confusion and at times pain above and beyond what I normally do. No answers do others have, when it comes to this.... it is frustrating. Others that share the same condition hold passions beyond what I am capable of and when I inquire, they have no answers as to how they came about having desires for the emotional and the physical. Some suggest it is much like as I dance in an inebriated state, yet I’ve attempted this and cannot find a balance of what to take that will allow me to recall and yet feel what is close to what is living. I’ve tried as many have suggested, from concoctions of simple sugar water, and those so complicated that only professionals can create for me and nothing breaches that gap entirely, if it does it is to the point I lack recall of events it becomes a wasted experience. 

The music of the club is drowning, the rhythm of motion and drumming beats of overwhelming sounds encompassing the senses. I look forward to the activity as it is a moment that the outward environment silences the internal. For those moments, I belong with them those moving thriving living souls. I am apart of the mass that I am disconnected from every other moment, not understanding. It is a place of loud silence, a place of understanding, and connection. I am apart of something, not an abomination barely tolerated, I move with that rhythm of time not against it if just for a moment. The others may lose interest, yet as long as the music plays I feel I am apart of something beyond my confines. It is the same as when Elle plays her violin, I hear it as they do, and for those moments I can feel as they do. I take comfort in those moments as the internal pain and struggling is silenced upon a beat and a melody. I am grateful.

Tsubaji was also there at the club this time... He is a younger male that I had the honor of accompanying on a hunt with. Orcs being the prey. He reminds me much of Wan’ja, Rie’sefu, and Zinaji in his enthusiastic mannerisms which makes the adventure enjoyable and entertaining. He liked a hat that one of the orc’s had been wearing although we failed at retrieving that particular hat I made certain he did get one. It looked very becoming on him, the spotted pattern caught my eye when picking it out. When I asked what color it was I was told it had been brown and cream coloration which seemed suitable for his tastes to me. He arrived wearing it which caused me to be pleased that he liked it that well. He even granted me a dance, in which I believe was a show of appreciation in which he displayed with enthusiasm. Yet as the night wore on the music died down we all departed for time on the beach. The night was entertaining most had lost most of their garb as it happens at the club, even I was shirtless I did so more to follow suit with the others as the heat does not bother me as it does the living. It must have been almost unbearable as even the pumpkin king Kaz’Kali had lost his crown.

At the beach a fire was made and I had read from a novel I had purchased amongst many from a goblin trader, their bindings were worn and I could barely read the titles. The one for the evening suggested was titled Savage... I could not read the remainder. I read and those hearing the tale found humor in it, although I could not find the same reaction as I was focused on how it would progress. It did not progress any further it was simply a short unfinished work that was poorly written. Banter between them all ensued as I was examining the story, it did not seem to be erotica fiction but to those present it did. Zinaji kept repeating the word sack... Why? Because the lord presented the stable hand his huge sack and sword.... this seemed literal to me yet to the others present it seemed to have another meaning. Tsubaji seemed interested as he drew a sword and hilt in the sand. The master in the story wished for the other to spar with him and yet the novel ended abruptly.

Tsubaji spoke of a way that the tale could be finished by going around in a circle speaking as how the individual saw the continuance, it was something he and his brothers had done. All I was aware of is at the time I felt swindled out of my coin for nothing informative, and if it was in fact an erotic novel something more then simple innuendo, details would have been helpful for those with my difficulties. Regardless, the rounds of story telling went onward each one becoming more in the realm of erotic. To be honest I was contemplating rending not only the writer of the tale but the seller of the book as they continued at first. I was hoping for slaughter but none came in the story telling, gender of the individuals changed, then race, at times they were elves others humans, sometimes males sometimes females.... I tossed a strangulation in there with That attempting to kill the main character as I sent him through the mail to do so, that was quickly mooted with happiness... Then Kaz’Kali threw in elves with chains capturing the protagonists. When it came to my turn... I surmised slaughtering the two characters was not an option by the looks on their faces. I do not care to disappoint my friends as I seem to fail them frequently of late so I believe I gave an acceptable conclusion. The two characters through their trials and tribulations at the hands of incubi bonded in their torment. They then escaped their capture living life as they would until they died, eventually. Tas finished with That running off with another hand...Everyone seemed content. This caused me to genuinely smile, as for the first time in a while not one seemed disappointed, however short lived. 

However.... I feel I may have made a mistake, because of my lack of understanding. As later it was revealed to me by Zinaji, that my words of offering to show my weapon and a display of my stamina to Tsubaji was not as I thought, that the drawing in the sand was not of a sword but of a phallus in nature. My misconceptions of what was going on caused me to make a date with Tsubaji from what was explained to me by Zinaji. Kaz’Kali also had earlier spoke I was missing the meaning entirely, yet never explained as to what the meaning was. I was grateful for Zinaji’s input as I will be better prepared for the interaction when it arises and not taken off guard, he also mentioned that Tsubaji may have been joking and not at all serious about it. These are all things to consider, although I was aware of interests in that nature, just as I am aware that is what the living need in the ways of life. I fail to realize at times there are those that find me attractive and wish to seek that interaction with myself as I am not living as they are. My lack of desires in the mating sense at times causes me to be blind to other’s intentions and agendas in my direction.

Although this may be an opportunity for something in the way I seek, I wish to become more fluent with my own emotions as well as learning how to respond and react to others with their emotions. Some things I have been practicing, such as allowing contact in the physical sense in my direction as well as reciprocating it, I attempt to pat those that seem weepy, or return hugs if greeted with them, I am aware that is not enough. If I explain my situation, as far as my misunderstandings as well as what I lack perhaps it will be understood and I can make a proposition of an exchange of services that will be beneficial to both of us.