#brokenxsoldier

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@brokenxsoldier

                 He’d been sitting at home when he heard something. His shield was picked up quickly before he followed the noises to his bedroom window where a man was standing... A certain one. One he’d been looking for EVERYWHERE.

                          “Bucky...”, his grip around the shield tightened despite his urge -- maybe even especially because of his urge to run over to his old friend and hug him. “How did you find ---- No. What are you doing here?”

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                             i can't take the PAIN away,                                                     but i'll do my best to  BEAR IT  with you

                                                                --------------------

             [ ooc ; a special happy birthday from me to one of the dearest people i know                here, brokenxsoldier​. you're just so incredible and sweet, you always seem                to be there for me and are just the most  perf  human being on the planet. i                don't even    know if i can put into words how amazingly wonderful u are. i                hope you enjoy this,        and thank u thus far for all of the feels and my sad                broken heart from this amazing thread we have. rp soulmates <3 ]

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brokenxsoldier:

Eyes hit the floor and he sighs, moving to perch on the end of the bed.

"An’ what am I meant to say?”

Bucky’s stomach twists uncomfortably, and he sneaks a look up at Steve, jaw tight. He knows precisely what he should say to the dame currently working across town, the girl he’s been seeing, dating and sleeping with, for the past 18 months — but that doesn’t make it any easier.

He stands, slowly, tugging on his discarded clothing, picking up the scattered pillows and sheets flung off the hotel bed.

             He's surprised it's even a question, coming from him. He looks at him over              his shoulder, a steady frown on his lips, brows furrowed together, creating              a crease between them ------ an expression that     never    seems to fade              anymore after they do this. 

                                        ❝ You're gonna tell the truth.  ❞

             He takes Bucky's cue and starts dressing as well,      pulling on his boxers              before finding his jeans.      They'd always come to a hotel, especially after              Steve flat-out REFUSED to do this in Bucky's bed, the bed he shared with              a girl who no doubt didn't know any better   . And now, as this relationship              s t i l l ensued with this woman, it was reaching a breaking point for Steve.              Greedy as he is,  he can't fathom as to why Bucky hasn't broken it off with              her, hasn't fessed up yet.

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thwippingwebhead replied to your post “                          [ ooc ; having so many feels about...”

If we're talking about Hydra!Cap then just imagine all the heroes and agents who idolized him and based their lives around his example coming face to face with what he's become

[ OHHHHH YOU OPENED A DAAAAANGEROUS CAN O' WORMS THERE, BUDDY 

you know what ?

                                                         let's talk

let's talk about those people that idolized steve rogers, captain america ( with bucky barnes, in this instance equally ( tho probably more so ) they are as fucked up as each other ) who fought the last standing menace, hydra. this is the man who risked everything for his country, hell, the WORLD. and let's talk about those people seeing steve rogers today: a cold, quiet, cynical, very much DANGEROUS person who has come out of this worse than imaginable. the man who gave everything ------ and LOST it all, too. and losing that, losing everything he had and everything he fought for, has made his outlook on the world so dark, that when people exlaim, 'look, it's captain america!', he wants to turn and hiss, 'that's NOT who i am anymore'

let's talk about the fact that in the facility, when steve and bucky were thrown in the cell together, how the world outside them dwindled, WENT ON WITHOUT THEM. no rescue ( tho i'll sure as hell bet the commandos tried to find them ). no hope. just TORTURE, day in, and day out. and the torture wasn't exclusive for either of them; they wiped them both, they beat them both, nothing was off limits. and bucky's come back one day with a prosthetic, like nothing steve has seen, and it's then that a deep, ANIMALISTIC protectiveness surges out of him. that he knows that bucky's safety is paramount, important above all else: the ONE MISSION he will follow through on for the rest of his life

and continuing this thought, because hydra would be compromised eventually, they'd get in, the SSR could get them out or their facility could be abandoned, idek, hydra throws them in a cryo chamber, lets them essentially ROT in suspended time, until one day shield finds them. shield finds captain america with bucky barnes, both having survived the fall, the war, but really, they DIDN'T. they didnt survive because the men shield finds in that chamber aren't the men that walked side by side in the videos, in the old SSR films or army regulation files. 

steve won't align himself with shield. he sure as hell isn't aligned with hydra. his ONLY allegiance is to bucky. plain and simple. because in that cell, as they waited for death for weeks, months, whatever it was, bucky was his constant. his stability. he was his gravity that kept him going. because the purpose of bucky's life was to in turn give purpose to steve's. it's a dependent cycle that relies so heavily on one another, but somehow, it works, and somehow, they make it happen

but on the subject, let's also talk about bucky and steve after the war and after cryo

because steve refuses shield and he refuses any sort of control over them and over the world. people offer them help COUNTLESS times ( one doesn't go through that hell and come out the same on the other end ). they refuse it. steve doesn't need more DOCTORS poking at them, prodding for flaws when they're plain and simple enough. bucky's programming is broken and flawed ( he was more of a guinea pig than anything, and steve was too, but bucky received more of it, by far ). steve's sticks somehow, in mild ways ---- his due diligence being that he's a SOLDIER, and the rule of following orders never leaves him. as a captain, he's used to giving orders too. bucky, tbh i don't think he was crazy about going overseas in the first place. his being a soldier and the principles he followed didn't align with steve's. the programming to make steve and EFFECTIVE soldier were easy enough, it was a matter of changing the mission and the protocols. bucky was broken from the beginning, from zola's table. that was a harder challenge, and it was too much on bucky

so when bucky loses it, breaks down and can't focus or concentrate or hear over the S T A T I C in his brain, steve takes over. he's his CO, he has to. but as his CO, he violates these unspoken rules between himself and bucky: that they don't be like hydra, that they don't become what they wanted. yet there are times when speaking ORDERS at him in russian are necessary. there are times he takes advantage of the power he has over bucky to keep him safe, keep him where he wants him to be. bucky doesn't obey blindly by any means, but he certainly doesn't argue most of the time whens steve's voice is a low HISS in his ear, an overpowering tone that leaves bucky without any desire to argue. because steve is there for his safety, his protection, and steve knows what is best. even if that best is what may be the WORST THING for him.

and dude i've written an essay but this is the SMALLEST BIT of my feels about hydra steve, esp in regards to bucky. but maybe u get a grasp of ho W B ADLY I NE E D THI S TO HA P P PEN NNN N ]

[ ps brokenxsoldier bc ur bae and 107% the reason for my pain <3 ]

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Send “✉” for a text that wasn’t sent.

meme | brokenxsoldier​

[ text: dumb jerk ]: sometimes i don’t think i’m good for you. and i know                                  what you’d say, like you always do, that i’m the best                                  guy you’ve ever met, that i’m exactly what you need…                                 but there are times i’m not sure. i worry i hurt you more                                 than i help you.[ text: dumb jerk ]: i try so hard not to compare you to who i used to know.                                 and i get that he doesn’t exist, and i know that he died                                 when he fell off that train… but sometimes when i wake                                 up it’s him i see, like in brooklyn back before the war,                                 when it was you and i in bed, the sun coming in and me                                 watching you sleep because it’s the one time you’re not                                 worried or stressed or scared of something i can’t see.[ text: dumb jerk ]: and i feel awful, because i swear to god i’m not trying to                                 think about him, but sometimes it just happens, i say                                 something stupid or make a bad comment, and i see that                                 look in your eyes that you’re somehow not good enough,                                 or not the right person… and you ARE, you’re the perfect                                 person, it’s me who isn’t perfect, because i keep screwing                                 up, i keep hurting you with what i say and how i act                                 around you because of what i’m used to.[ text: dumb jerk ]: it’s not an excuse. it’s not. i don’t want to make excuses, i                                 want to do right by you. and there are so many times i feel                                 like i can’t even get THAT right. [ text: dumb jerk ]: you deserve better. i know what you’d say, but… i’m not                                 perfect. not even close. not for you, even.[ text: dumb jerk ]: did you wanna order in tonight? 

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[ ooc; literally if you say one word to me about war verse i'll fuckin go off and give you ten million years worth of headcanon ]