#butimnotcrazy

[adelaideswifts]

#Tada @shannonlouise___ & I found a #tutu that fit me today!!!! After 3 days of #DanceMom-ing I finally got my turn at #Ballerinaring complete with my own photo shoot! #ILoveBeingADanceMom #ButImNotCrazy #WellThisVideoMayProveOtherwise #IfIWasntSoAwesomeThisWouldBeEmbarrassing #ItsBeenAwhile (at In Step School of Dance Incorporated)

[pretendingimnotcrazy2-blog]

First Post Of Few

I do this several times. I have a near mental breakdown and I decide, “You know what? I’m going to start a Tumblr blog, and no one will read it, because know one gives a fuck who I am or is interested in anything I have to say... but that’s okay, because I don’t need the attention.

But that always ends up being a lie, because after a while, I get tired of talking to no one, and I end up abandoning the blog anyway.

Also, because I always make the mistake of tying my identity to the blog somehow and I end up regretting it later. NOT that it has ever come to bite me in the ass... yet... but I always have to do SOME amount of self-censoring because of that (albeit probably not enough, considering I have a business to run and a reputation to keep).

That being said... here we are again.

Another day, another Tumblr blog.

This might be my only post. This might be the first of many. Who knows.

All I know is that THIS time, I’m keeping it 100% “anonymous.” At least in the sense that I’m not tying it to my professional identity in anyway, because... bitches gotta stay in business, ya dig? Great.

HERE’S THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT:

I suffer from anxiety. Sometimes that anxiety turns into panic attacks. Sometimes those panic attacks turn into complete and utter fucking mental breakdowns.

HERE’S THE LONG OF IT...

I dunno what’s wrong with me today, but I’ve had a day-long anxiety attack... which about 30 minutes ago started to manifest as a panic attack. This panic attack had me starting to question my worth to everyone that I love. It had me questioning why I bother putting in as much effort with them as I do, because they probably wouldn’t put in nearly as much effort for me if I just... stopped.

And the reason I started questioning that was because when I started to panic I IMMEDIATELY needed to talk to someone.

What about Girl 1? No... she’s working... plus, she’s too goddamn happy and overly supportive and right now I just need someone to listen. Not try to fix it.

I’m married... what about him? Yeah, no. He doesn’t get it. You’d think he would, but he doesn’t. He tries sometimes, but... he doesn’t get it.

What about Boy 1? He might actually understand what I’m trying to say... I know he deals with similar things, but for some reason I have this feeling like he could give two shits about my existence right now. No use in talking to him, I won’t get a response.

What about Girl 2? No, she’s probably sleeping. She’s dealing with her own shit,  and I really hate coming across too whiney to her. I know she’s be there, but it’d be a short conversation and I wouldn’t get out what I need to get out.

What if I left Girl 1 a message? She won’t get it now, but she’ll read it and response and you know... that’s... something, right? No... Because of the first reason I didn’t want to talk to her in the first place.

But I mean... really... what if I just texted Boy 1? Just a quick, “Listen, I dunno what’s wrong with me, but I’m fucking falling apart. I need you to pray for me... or something. Just... fucking answer me? I dunno.” -- But see, then that’d be allowing outside people to see just how fucking crazy you are, and that’s just... not okay. He’s seen enough of that to make you comfortable already.

I mean, and that’s a thing itself, isn’t it?

I’m a girl. “Girls are crazy”, right? Not me. I’m not crazy. I’m one of the “sane” ones. I don’t have this emotional trauma bullshit that most girls deal with that all guys hate.

At least that’s what I’ve convinced myself I need to put out there. So when I want to lean on the people I’m close to... mostly guys (Yeah I’m one of those annoying “one of the guys” kinda girls)... I can’t. Because I can’t let them know that I’m crazy.

But I mean it’s okay that I’m crazy, because at least I’m AWARE and I make efforts to contain it, so that counts right?

No. Because that makes me expendable. No one likes that kind of drama. Especially guys.

Which leads me back to...

If I feel like I can’t talk to these people... do they even really care about me? I mean I can think of specific instances that would prove that they do... but do they REALLY?

If I just stopped talking to them... would they even notice? Would they give two shits? Maybe I should just stop... right now... just stop...

...but see, if I did that, that would be playing games. Which is what crazy girls do... and I’m not crazy, remember?

So fuck! What do I do with myself right now?

Start a Tumblr blog, I guess.

[postmortemangst]

I hear the banging, like a drum. It's everywhere, in my head, in my morning coffee, in the water that comes out of my shower, under my bed. It sounds so far away, so distant but so fucking loud all at the same time. It's goddamn deafening. I can't make up my mind about it, if it's outside my door or right in my ear.