#bwhaha

[tbob-enthusiast]

double dog dares you to a best friend wrestling match

guys

guys I don't

I don't think that was wrestling

they really aren't beating the homoerotic allegations

fun fact! eating magic makes you bigger than your stupid annoying clingy noodly opponent! use that as you see fit

[queewp]

trying to see if i like doodling him with antenna or not- if i do decide to he probs just hides it like 24/7 or smth

[looseinthecatroom]

Part of me (the part that respects his craft >.>) honestly kinda wants to see Alex punish them for not asking more questions of Myriad before pulling the trigger, and maaaaybe not cutting the best kind of deal they could have with more information.

Bring me the pain. >=)

[ohmaiwhathavewedone]

"😘" (Ofcourse Glenn would kiss Mai!)

"Well? Pucker up buttercup!"

[leeknown]

seungmin looking into the cam when he got the pingpong ball in twice in a row.... cute

[lallemxnt]

this is so funny and cute at the same time<3 

[decayman-a]

‘Pinky up like a princess’. Yeah, sure, cause preventing his fucking quirk from activating is feminine and snobbish now. 

“Hey, anon,” Tomura says, definitely not annoyed. “I’ll raise a different finger for you.”

Aaaand, yes. He’s flipping the anon off. Cause that’s so much better.

[54daysormore]

Jugs-tae-poe-sition

Summary:  Yoongi loves photography. Taehyung loves photography. Yoongi likes eating good food and dogs and holding hands. Taehyung likes holding hands and dogs and eating good food.  Yoongi does not, dear God, like kids.  Taehyung, thank God, loves kids. But when his brother dies, it’s Yoongi who suddenly has to look after four-year-old Jimin and three-year-old Jungkook.

A/N:  FIRST!  This story reached 500 kudos on AO3, my first and only story to do so!  Wow!  THANK YOU so much!  I’m floored.

In honor of that, people on Twitter asked me to do a Q&A, so I answered their questions from Curiouscat there.  They’re also below :)

Next, this one’s a long chapter...like, thirty pages worth...a lot happens...as always, I love to hear your thoughts and comments.

Also, this is my 1000th post??  We crazy today, folks.

The italics in this story are past conversations or thoughts.

More notes at the end.

WC: 13,124

Warnings: Some bad words, sexual content (like, there’s a lot of sex talk in here; if you’re uncomfortable, let me know, and I’ll let you know where to skip stuff, etc.)

Masterlist

27. It Was Harder Than He Expected…

28.  Yes or No?  It’s Not That Simple

         “Jin?  Jin?” Tae said frantically, banging the door open and jogging down the small hallway without waiting for a reply.

        “That better not be who I think it is,” he heard Eunnie say before he burst into the kitchen.  “Tae, it’s Sunday brunch.  You know that—”

        “Tae-tae!” Hoseok said, flinging his chair back so quickly it toppled to the floor before he ran over and smashed into Tae’s legs.

        “Hoseok!  Sit back down right now,” Eunnie snapped, tapping the table for good measure.

        “Hey, Hobi,” Tae whispered down with a smile at the boy before shooing him off.  He sent a wave to Jiwo who giggled but kept stuffing her face with pancakes at the table like a good little girl.  Grunting a little as he put his chair back, Hoseok managed to resume eating as if nothing happened, though his parents knew better.

        “Tae, you know that Sunday brunch is for family,” Eunnie said slowly, her chopsticks looking a little menacing in her grasp.

        “I know, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t an emergency,” Tae said, twisting the bottom of his shirt and looking at Jin for support.

        “You say that every time, Tae.  You lost your phone?  Emergency.  Can’t find your eighth alley cat?  Emergency. Not sure what to take a picture of? Emergency.  Not everything can be an emergency, Tae.”

        “Eunnie,” Jin said slowly from the other side of the table, watching his wife carefully.

        “Jin.  No, tell him to come back later.”

        “Eunnie,” Jin said again, but Eunnie pointed her chopsticks at him, her hand shaking a little.

        “Sundays are for family, Jin.  The few hours we can actually all be together.  Tell him to leave and come back later.”

        “Eunnie, Tae is family.”

        The slamming of Eunnie’s chopsticks on the table and the scraping of her chair across the floor made everyone jump, but it was the glimmer in her eye that made Tae shrink into himself a little and lean against the counter to get out of her way.

        “Kids, apparently family time is over, so go upstairs.”

        “But I want to play with T—”

        “Now,” Eunnie said, staring across at Jin as Hoseok and Jiwo mumbled before obeying.  They each shot a sad look to Tae as they walked past him, and when Eunnie turned away from the table, Tae flinched but reached out to her as she walked past.

        “Eunnie, I can, I can come back later, really, if—”

        “No, please, he’s all yours.  I’m glad you can always depend on him to be there for you,” Eunnie sighed, no fight left in her voice.  She even squeezed Tae’s arm as she went past like she did so often, but he still hugged himself after she was gone, the ache in his stomach from more than just hunger.

        “Come sit down and tell me all about it,” Jin sighed from the table, placing his head in his hands.  He felt a little too sick and shaky to eat, but Jin pushed his unfinished plate toward him, and he knew it would be better to eat than be forced to, so he took a few bites before he couldn’t wait any longer.

        “I kissed him,” he blurted out, his foot already tapping underneath the table.

        “Who?”

        “Who?  Who? Yoongi!  Who else would I be kissing?”

        “I don’t know, Tae,” Jin sighed, lifting his head to stare at his friend.  His palm cupped his face as he leaned on the table, his entire body looking tired.  “I can’t keep up with everyone.”

        “I—that’s uncalled for,” Tae mumbled, poking at the bowl of rice before taking a large bite to busy his mouth.

        “So?  How was it?”

        “It was—it was great.  Or I thought it was.  I don’t know.  He seems really reluctant.  Like, I think he liked it, but he was acting like he didn’t.  All closed off or something.  And then this morning he was really odd.”

        “How so?”

        “Just—I don’t know?  Cold?  Snappy?”

        “Did you try to wake him up for morning sex? Because let me tell you, most people hate that, actually.”

        “What?  No.  We didn’t—I didn’t.  No, I just said I had to leave, and he was like ‘oh, okay, leave then,’” Tae said, doing a poor imitation of Yoongi’s voice as he waved his hand around.

        “You left him?”

        “Well, yeah, I had to come talk to you.”

        “Tae,” Jin said.  “Tae,” he repeated until his friend looked up from his plate. “Sometimes you’re such a moron you worry me, you know?”

        “Again, uncalled for,” Tae mumbled, grabbing Hoseok’s plate to finish his pancakes.

        “How many times did you call me crying the morning after some guy fucked you and just walked out?  How many times have you whined and complained to me about how much you wish someone would just lie in bed with you until you absolutely had to get up because you love cuddling so much?  How many damn poems have you written about how simply holding someone is the most intimate, close, personal, trust-filled, beautiful way you can show someone you blah, blah, blah?”

        “None!  I haven’t written any poems,” Tae sputtered.  “And, and, a lot, okay?  I cried a lot, I know, but we didn’t even fuck.  We just kissed some.  And we did have to get up.  He had to. The boys were there.”

        “You kissed in front of his kids?”

        “His nephews,” Tae said, pointing his chopsticks at him.  “And no, they were asleep.”

        “Ew, you did it in the same bed?”

        “We didn’t do anything!” Tae sighed, throwing his utensils down and sulking down into his chair.

        “Tae, Tae,” Jin said, reaching out to keep Tae from sliding completely to the floor.  “Put yourself in his position for a second.  Clear your head and get out of your own ass enough to see things his way. He’s in well over his head.  He’s stressed and tired and exhausted.  And then you didn’t do anything except kiss him and cuddle him and then left?  Can’t you at least imagine that he might be upset?”

        “Why would he be upset?  I checked in with him.  I asked. I made sure everything was consensual. He’s really hard to read, but I think I figured him out, or at least I thought I did, and then—”

        “Did you ask him this morning?”

        “Ask him what?”

        “If he wanted you to stay.”

        “No, like I said, I said I had to go, and he said ‘okay’ and that was that.”

        “Tae,” Jin sighed, rubbing at his temples.  “He probably wanted you to stay.”

        “But he didn’t—”

        “You said you had him figured out.  If you are right, do you think he would have asked? Or told you why he said ‘okay’ even if he didn’t mean it?”

        “I—he—” Tae said before frowning and pressing his lips together.  Sitting up slowly in his chair, everything seemed to finally register in his mind, and he dropped his head onto the table, narrowly missing a messy plate, to groan. “I’m an idiot.”

        “Wait, can you say that again so I can record it?” Jin huffed, kicking him under the table.  “Figure it out, then?”

        “I guess.  He—just—people are complicated,” Tae sighed before lifting his head up slowly and frowning at his friend.

        “Yeah, but sometimes they’re worth it.  Is he worth it?”

        “Yeah,” Tae said slowly before nodding.  “Yeah, for sure.”

        “Good.  Glad I could help as always.  Now, Eunnie is complicated and worth it for me, so I am going to have to kick you out now, okay?”

        “Yeah, of course.  I am sorry, do you think I should?” Tae said, throwing a thumb behind him. Shaking his head, Jin stood up and started collecting plates, and Tae jumped up to help him.

        “No, you’d only make it worse.  I’ll handle it.  Always do.  Just go home, Tae.  Or back to Yoongi, since you figured out what he wants.”

        “Yeah.  Yeah, okay,” Tae said, bobbing his head and almost dropping the plates he was carrying.

        “Seriously, please go,” Jin said, smiling as he took the plates from his friend.  With another enthusiastic nod and a quick side hug to Jin, Tae jogged back out of the house and bounded down their steps.

        If he made a stop or two, he could be back within the hour, and surely Yoongi would forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, arms meant for cuddling well into the morning.  Tae was a bit of an idiot, but he knew what Yoongi wanted, so he could fix this.  He would fix this and never let it happen again.

          He wasn’t sure what he expected.  Not for whatever happened last night to happen. Not for him to freak out so quickly and easily so early in the morning.  Not for the uneasy feeling resting in his heart and making him keep checking his phone fruitlessly as he sipped his coffee as the boys ate.  Not for someone to knock on his door barely an hour after Tae had left and for him to want to ignore it while flinging it open at the same time.

        He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t to see Tae standing, slightly panting with a sheen of sweat on his brown, still dressed in his clothes from last night, with a coffee and small pot with a baby aloe plant poking out of it.  Part of him wanted to roll his eyes and slam the door in the guy’s face. That would show him.  Part of him wanted to let him back in and ask him to stay. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest and raised his eyebrow expectedly at the guy.

        “Hi,” Tae said, a little breathless. “Again.  I—these are for you.”  Yoongi looked at the objects being presented to him in Tae’s outstretched arms, but the guy’s eager expression required more of his attention.  Not taking the random gifts yet, he felt his gut twist a little when he realized he may have overreacted even more than he thought.

        “Did you—did you really leave just to go and get this?  I already had coffee.”

        “No, no, I,” Tae said, his face falling a little with his arms.  Before he could spill the cup, Yoongi reached out to grab the coffee from him, still hugging himself with his other arm while Tae cradled the pot in his hand.  “I had to go talk to Jin, and he helped me see I made a big mistake, so I wanted to apologize.  I should have stayed longer this morning, or asked you if you wanted me to stay longer, but instead I woke up and, and you weren’t there, and even though it was your apartment, so there wasn’t really anywhere you could have gone, I thought you had left.  And Jungkook was gone, too, so it’s not like you would have kidnapped Jungkook and left Jimin.  Can you even kidnap them?  Anyway, the point is, you were gone, and I panicked.  And then you came back in, because of course you did, and I freaked out even more because you hadn’t left,” Tae said, stressing his words.  

        “And I know it’s crazy, but that made me so excited I had to go tell Jin, and I just wasn’t thinking.  And then I could tell you were upset, or you seemed upset, but you said you weren’t.  Did you know you do that a lot?  Say something you clearly don’t mean.”

        “Lots of people do,” Yoongi said, trying to hide any expressions from showing up on his face as Tae frowned and continued to ramble on.

        “Yeah, well, I think I figured you out, and then you went and—look, okay, no, for now I just came to apologize for leaving you. I brought this little guy as an apology. His name is Randle, so I hope you take good care of him.  I expect to have visiting rights, though, so I can make sure you’re taking good care of him.”

        “Randle?”

        “Yeah, he’s a,” Tae said, staring at the blob of green, “a plant.  For you.”

        “It’s an aloe,” Yoongi said slowly, finally sticking out his other hand for the pot.  Nodding sagely, Tae handed it over, stuffing his hands in his pockets once it was relinquished and rocking back and forth on his heels a few times.  “You’re welcome to visit him anytime.  I promise to take good care of him.”

        “I don’t doubt it,” Tae said, smiling a little. The sight made something clench in Yoongi’s stomach, and he looked up at the ceiling before taking a deep breath. Letting it out slowly, he stood up straight as much as his constantly hunched shoulders would allow him, both of his hands now awkwardly full.

        “I’m sorry, too.”

        “All forgiven,” Tae said cheerfully.  “But, and I know you’re busy, but when can I have you all alone this week?”

        “Sorry?” Yoongi stuttered, trying not to choke.

        “We need to have a very mature, sit-down talk where we discuss things.”

        “What—what things?” Yoongi muttered, looking down at his new plant child.

        “Adult things,” Tae said vaguely.  By the time Yoongi looked back up at him when he didn’t explain further, he had to look away again when Tae winked.  “Sorry,” he laughed, not sounding sorry at all. “Your face is just too cute.  Let me know, yeah?  Friday or Saturday would probably be best for Namjoon, so make sure he knows to spend the night.”

        “How do you—why?”

        “Because I want a do-over,” Tae shrugged.  “Need to get it right.  With no kids around.”

        “I,” Yoongi mumbled before kicking his socked food at the lip of the doorframe, “will see when he’s available.  But I can’t promise anything.”

        “That sounds like a good start,” Tae said, still smiling.  Looking over his shoulder to make sure the boys were still safe and distracted, Yoongi sighed again before looking out at his neighbor.

        “I did tell you last night you’ll have to be patient with me.  I didn’t really mean to get mad this morning.  I wasn’t mad.”

        “I know, hyung.  Or, I suspected.  I’m glad to know for sure, now, though.  I do have to say, I think I’d prefer you not saying anything than being mean, though. I’m really fragile.”

        “Sure,” Yoongi said, rolling his eyes.

        “I’m serious!  I don’t like being yelled at,” Tae pouted.

        “I didn’t yell,” Yoongi clarified, and Tae only shrugged, though his lips thankfully returned to normal.

        “Sometimes the volume doesn’t really matter, does it? Look, I don’t blame you.  I know I’m a lot to handle, more work than a plant,” Tae said, gesturing toward Randle.  “I guess it’s just, while people walking out is never fun, it’s at least definite. It’s clear.  I’d rather you just be clear with me.  Don’t let me be the ass who assumes things, and I’ll try not to jump to conclusions, too.  I can be patient.  But you’ll have to be with me, too, you know?  I may have you figured out, but I can’t read your mind or your body language completely yet.”

        “Oh, one day you’ll be able to read my mind?” Yoongi joked.

        “Only if you let me,” Tae said seriously before beaming again.  “Anyway, text me about a time, yeah?  I’ll let you get back to the boys.  Water Randle a lot so I can see how much he’s grown next time I’m over!”

        “Sure thing, Tae,” Yoongi said, smiling softly as his neighbor practically bounded away.  He didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that too it was easy to over-water succulents; the very thing they needed the most could easily kill them if given in excess.

        The idea stayed with him the rest of the day, after he put Randle down and drank another coffee and found his hands were shaking from more than just caffeine.

        It was absurd to think that he needed Tae, and even crazier to think that he would die without him.  But too much of him would kill him, too.  An excess of anything, even something good, could kill anyone.

        After all, Yoongi’s brother had died, and he had filled his time doing good deed after good deed, so Yoongi should be careful. He really didn’t have too much time to think about Tae, so he totally did not keep getting distracted throughout the day and the rest of the week, his thoughts straying to what Tae wanted to talk about.  No, he balanced his time wisely and worked and took care of the boys and cleaned his apartment and went to the market and cooked meals and handled everything like he always did, because he was Min Yoongi, in control of his emotions and actions and future.  He could handle Tae.  He would handle him by not thinking about him anymore than was absolutely necessary.

        Apparently that was more frequently than Yoongi first thought, but he really wasn’t sure what he was expecting.  Not for Tae to tell him on Thursday that he had arranged for Namjoon to come watch the boys the next night.  It wasn’t that he had forgotten, and Tae didn’t insinuate that he had, and it wasn’t like he didn’t want to spend time with Tae.  It had been hard to concentrate all week just thinking about what Tae had in mind, after all, but it was something else that had kept him from talking to Namjoon.  Something stupid and irrational and ugly, some lie telling him he didn’t have time for Tae that grew into Namjoon not having time to help him that exploded into him not having time to do anything for himself.  He knew it was a lie, an irrational one at that, but keeping himself from Tae wasn’t going to hurt anyone.  He could always use the excuse later that he had been too busy to ask Namjoon ahead of time.

        Except then Tae went and asked his friend for him. And now Yoongi had no excuse. Sure, he could still tell Tae no. He could lie to him.  He could pull away before he became entangled, but he didn’t want to do any of that.  So the parts of him that felt betrayed that Namjoon agreed to babysit overnight, the parts of him that felt embarrassed that his friend would be assuming he and Tae would be doing things, the parts of him that felt weak that Tae had to ask Namjoon for him, he tried to put aside come Friday night.

        Still, they were parts of him, and no one can really leave parts of them behind.  He wasn’t expecting Tae to accept and like every part of him.  No one was perfect enough to do that.  He didn’t expect the impossible.  He wasn’t sure what he was expecting.  And that was the problem.  He hated not knowing, so by the time Namjoon arrived, he was already a bit of an anxious mess, cleaning the counters for the third time and grumbling about having nothing to wear.  Namjoon, thankfully, was used to him in such a state, but Tae wasn’t, and he didn’t want to see him stressed.  He would think it was because of him, and Yoongi didn’t want that.  He couldn’t have Tae thinking that it had anything to do with him, that it was his fault.

        He needed to calm down, and the first thing he would have to do is change.  Tae had said to wear something “comfortable” for staying in, and just the thought of the vague instructions had sent him reeling, so he would have to have Namjoon help him, even if his friend would tease him.  But first, he would need a hug.  Namjoon understood, and he thankfully didn’t tease too much and ignored the boys just enough for Yoongi to feel for a second like everything was going to be okay.

        Namjoon’s hugs were a little magical like that, and, as expected, while he teased Yoongi about being unable to pick out what to wear on his own, he thankfully threw him a pair of sweats to change into in the end, insisting his white shirt that he practically lived in was the most comfortable thing he owned.  Yoongi hated a little how he couldn’t argue with his best friend, but he was relieved more than anything.  So relieved, in fact, that by the time he shuffled over to Tae’s, he was almost only excited about spending time with the guy.

        Maybe something good could come out of the unexpected, Yoongi kept thinking to himself.  Something good could come out of spontaneity.  Something good could come out of talking to Tae.  Something good could come out of the door opening in front of him.

        “Hi,” Tae said brightly, his smile distracting Yoongi enough from his thoughts that he couldn’t help but smile back.

        He wasn’t sure what to expect, but with Tae, that didn’t worry him as much as it usually did, and that was certainly more than he could have ever expected.

          When it came to getting to know people, Tae often encountered many problems.  First, he was too impatient.  He wanted to know everything about the person immediately.  He rarely could wait to draw out information.  He never wanted to make any uncomfortable intentionally, so he could be patient, but he wanted to know when he wanted to know.  

        Secondly, he seemed to come across as too pleasant and happy and outgoing to some people.  This was never a problem to him, as he didn’t see what was wrong with being so, but it tended to scare some people away.  “Those people are not worth your time,” Jin always told him.  But he was better at learning social cues now, even though he often was just the one pursue and chase because he wanted to get to know and hold and keep forever. “You treat people like stray animals too much,” Jin once said, which may be a little true.  

        So his third problem with getting to know people is he got attached too quickly.  He knew it.  Jin knew. He knew that Jin knew it.  He fell too hard and too fast for people, platonically or romantically.  He struggled with keeping his life separated from theirs.  He wanted to integrate and merge and be one immediately.  It was dangerous and alarming and annoying to people. Tae knew.  But he was fighting against his nature if he was anything but friendly and a little bit desperate.

        He had wanted to get to know Yoongi since the day the guy almost punched him when he broke something in one of his moving boxes two hot summers ago, but he had always been too afraid to.  Now that he had been given the opportunity to, he didn’t want to mess it up.  He had a lot riding against him, he thought.  He was afraid of his past tripping him up, or, worse, of himself screwing it up.  But he wanted to be himself.  

        The problem with getting to know someone is he didn’t know how to get to know them.  In his effort to make Yoongi comfortable enough to talk to him about some pretty serious things, he had no idea how to get him comfortable enough to do so.  For some people, getting them drunk made them spill all of their secrets.  For others, sex, or physical intimacy, touching and kissing and holding close would make people whisper their dreams and fears into his ear.  And, for some, which caused the biggest problem for Tae, it simply took time.  He had no idea what would work best on Yoongi, but he did know that the right atmosphere was essential for creating comfort.

        So it was when Yoongi walked into his apartment on Friday night right on the dot at seven because the guy was always punctual, an impressive and admirable trait in Tae’s eyes, that his favorite low-fi playlist was playing softly in the background, most of the lights were off as the sun hadn’t quite set, he had pulled all of his pillows to the floor in front of the couch, and he already had a glass of wine ready for his date by the time the door was shut behind him.

        “Oh, trying to get me drunk already?” Yoongi said with no bite in his voice.  His sarcasm was getting easier to pick up on, though Tae still couldn’t tell all the time whether he was being serious or not.  “You sure it’s okay if I drink?”

        “If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t offer.  Please,” Tae said, indicating he should try it. “I literally know nothing about wine, but Jin said it was a good one.  You can take it home later if you don’t finish it all.”

        “Finish it all?” Yoongi scoffed before taking a small sip and humming around the rim of the glass.  “Seriously, don’t let me finish all of it.  Unless, again, the intention is to get me drunk.”  Raising his eyebrow, Yoongi watched as Tae sputtered a little.

        “No, no, just to help you relax and get comfortable.”

        “Oh, well, if that’s the case, I’d feel better if you at least had something.”

        “Oh, sure,” Tae said, turning around to look for another glass.  He, to his own surprise, actually had another wine glass, and he poured out the equivalent of two tablespoons into his glass, raising it up to clink with Yoongi’s as his neighbor laughed.  He took the tiny sip as Yoongi took another one, and he couldn’t help the way his face scrunched up as he pushed the glass away from his mouth, smiling when Yoongi laughed at him again.

        “How do you stand this?” Tae said, smacking his tongue and licking his lips to try to get the taste off.  Drinking more, Yoongi shrugged.

        “Guess I just have refined taste.”

        “Right, sure, well I’m going to drink some Sprite to wash that down, gross.  Have all you want and make yourself at home,” Tae said, opening the fridge and looking over his island at Yoongi wiggling his toes up and down as he looked around the place as if there was something he hadn’t seen before in the small space. “What, did you walk here barefoot?”

           “Oh, yep,” Yoongi said, looking down at his feet.  “All the way.”

           “Your feet must really hurt,” Tae hummed, pouring himself a drink and watching the way it bubbled and sprayed everywhere on its own.

           “Well, it’s hard carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders,” Yoongi mused.

           “Oh, please,” Tae scoffed.  “I’ll give you a foot rub later if you want.”

           “Uh, no, that’s, that’s okay,” Yoongi muttered then, finishing his glass quickly and pouring himself another one.  Tae watched him under his bangs, observing how he had dressed comfortably like he had suggested.  He had black sweats on with another white shirt that was almost see-through.  The short sleeves caught Tae’s eye.  While he had seen Yoongi plenty of times shirtless now, it felt different, somehow, seeing the tattoos on the man’s arms.  Or it was seeing Yoongi look so pale and soft in his apartment, like he was ready to lie down in bed and cuddle and be kissed gently while he closed his eyes and got all quiet.

           Tae pinched his own wrist to help himself focus before pushing off the counter, grabbing his drink and gesturing toward his mountain of pillows.

           “Well, let me know if you change your mind.  I have good, strong fingers,” he said, smirking even as he turned away to leave Yoongi standing flustered in his kitchen.  He didn’t call the guy over; he had already invited him to make himself at home, though he wasn’t sure what that would look like to Yoongi in someone else’s apartment; Tae was almost afraid Yoongi was going to start cleaning up his messes, even though he had cleaned some earlier, but thankfully the man shuffled over with his wine glass in his hands.  He stopped at the edge of the pillows, though, eyeing Tae a little oddly.

           “Okay, so, here’s what I was thinking,” Tae said, putting his Sprite enough to the side so he wouldn’t accidentally knock it over.  “We cuddle and watch mindless television like every other couple in the world, and when you’re drunk enough, I’ll tickle all your secrets out of you.”

           “Co—” Yoongi blinked before rolling his eyes, taking another sip of his wine. “I’m not ticklish.”

           “Oh,” Tae said before sitting up a little and grinning wickedly.  “Oh, hyung, you’ve made your first mistake.  You know now I have to test that theory.”

           “If you value your life, you won’t.  I’ve been known to hit anyone who tries to tickle me.”

           “Oh, hyung, you’re no fun,” Tae pouted, flopping back in his pillows.

           “What’s with all the pillows, anyway?” Yoongi said, poking at one with his toe as if he was afraid a mouse was going to scurry out from underneath it.

           “I like pillows.  They’re comfortable.  Perfect for lying on, sitting on, hugging.  Do you want to watch TV, or skip all that?”

           “I really don’t watch a lot of TV,” Yoongi said, grunting a little as he squatted down and tried not to lose his balance finding a comfortable spot among the mound of feathers and polyester fiber.

           “Me either, honestly.  It can’t really hold my attention.  Except things with subtitles.  So I watch a lot of anime and foreign shows, though I’ve seen the classics.  Here, pick something,” Tae said, tossing Yoongi the remote as he hopped up to turn his music off.  Fumbling a bit, Yoongi managed to point the thing at Tae’s TV, not looking over when Tae sat back down obviously closer than he was before. While Yoongi had his legs out in front of him crossed at the ankles, Tae sat in a butterfly pose, leaning forward with his hands on his ankles as he watched the screen.  Yoongi wanted gratuitous violence and lots of cussing, if Tae remembered correctly, so after a few seconds of fruitless searching, he took the remote from Yoongi who just worked on his drink to go to a movie he had put on his list a while ago.

           “This will be perfect,” he said, pushing play and throwing the remote back behind him on his mostly empty couch.  Yoongi didn’t really seem to care as he settled down and slowly worked on his drink.  More out of something to do than anything else, Tae sometimes reached for his own, the sticky, syrupy, sweet soda much more enticing than the dry, bitter wine Yoongi was somehow still managing to down.

           Tae didn’t want to get Yoongi drunk, but he was hoping the alcohol would loosen him up some.  The atmosphere seemed to be working, too; clothes can certainly help people relax. Tae had always thought that Yoongi looked uptight in button-ups and slacks.  He looked as out of place as Tae feels in similar clothes.  His sweats suited him.  Tae had always noticed how small Yoongi looked.  How frail and thin.  But the guy’s personality has always seemed so big and strong that Tae always rarely noticed how small he was.  Sitting next to him, though, Tae couldn’t help but see how big his legs looked compared to Yoongi’s.  He knew his torso was bigger, too, and his waist, but their hands were about the same size, and that thought made him smile to himself.

           “What’re you looking at?” Yoongi mumbled, staring at Tae out to the corner of his eyes.

           “Nothing,” Tae said, wiggling a little and looking back at the screen even though he had no idea what was happening.  Yoongi hummed again, and for a few minutes the only sounds came from the TV and their light breathing until Yoongi put his glass down and shifted a little further into the pillows, his arms folded over his chest with his fingers laced together.

           “Don’t fall asleep on me now,” Tae said, looking back at him.

           “I’m not on you at all,” Yoongi said, closing his eyes.

           “Hey, come on,” Tae said, reaching over to poke him without thinking.  His finger stopped inches away when Yoongi’s eyes shot open and the guy glared at him.

           “I am serious about hitting you if you try to tickle me,” he said seriously enough for Tae to withdraw his finger.

           “Okay, okay, but don’t go to sleep yet?  It’s not even eight.”

           “You told me to get comfortable.”

           “Well, yeah, but not to sleep.  At least not yet.  I wanted to talk first.”

           “So talk,” Yoongi said, closing his eyes again.  Frankly, Tae was a little miffed.  He turned until he was facing Yoongi and took a deep breath, pressing harder on his ankles as he leaned toward the guy.

           “Can you open your eyes, please?  It feels like you’re shutting me out.”

           “Oh, sorry,” Yoongi mumbled, opening his eyes quickly but leaving them half-closed as he looked over at Tae.

           “Thanks.”

           “Sure.  What did you want to talk about that we couldn’t discuss in front of the kids? I’ll have you know, I’m a pure, innocent child myself, so whatever you can’t say in front of them you probably can’t tell me, either.”

           “Sure, hyung,” Tae said, rolling his eyes.  “I just wanted to discuss the other day so we can be on the same page for when we sleep together again.”

           “Okay,” Yoongi said slowly, still watching Tae.

           “So, I, like, want to tell you about why I freaked out.  And if you feel comfortable or want to share when I’m done, you can tell me, too, maybe?”

           “Okay,” Yoongi said slower and softer.  He watched as Tae took a deep breath before plunging in.

           That’s what it felt like for Tae, diving in, throwing it all out there, laying it all bare.  He had done it before, though sex usually came first.  The feelings followed the physical, and he wanted to try things differently this time.  Could he convince Yoongi to like him for himself instead of just for his body?  He really didn’t know, but he was ever the optimist, and he was comfortable enough to share.  So he did, trying to be conscious of Yoongi’s reactions the entire time, on high alert for the slightest uncomfortableness, disgust, revulsion, or regret for coming over in the first place.  He knew what each of those looked like even if he didn’t know how to really make Yoongi comfortable.  

           Sometimes people were just easy to read.

            Looking at Tae was harder than Yoongi expected. Not because he didn’t want to look at him.  He wanted to look at him all the time.  And he loved making eye contact with people when talking.  It was one reason why Namjoon and he were such good friends. They both valued spending quality time together, and that meant putting their phones away and just being with each other.  But his own squeamishness sometimes made it hard for him to look at people when he was talking about himself.  

          That wasn’t what was happening with Tae. Instead, it was Tae’s openness, his ease in talking about himself that made Yoongi awed and yet insecure.  Tae was confident in a different way than his friend Jin had been.  Tae’s confidence seemed more natural, especially since Yoongi could detect a hint of insecurity behind it.  Tae was working hard to try to please him and not mess things up, Yoongi could tell. The lighting and wine were perhaps an effort trying a little too hard, but Yoongi still appreciated it.

          He also was an extremely empathetic person. He cried more than he would like to admit, though he was usually good at hiding it—“Are you crying at that dog commercial again, hyung?” “No…”— He just found it easy to feel and understand enough of someone else’s plight to feel uncomfortable or sad or happy with and for another person.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to listen to Tae’s story.  He wanted to get to know the guy.  But re-living it with him was anything but comfortable.  But Yoongi knew sometimes life had to get hard before it got easy. No, never easy.  And never comfortable, really.  But bad times can lead to better times.  That’s what he kept telling himself while Tae talked.

          That, and, how could such a beautiful person have so much shit happen to him and still be so positive and gorgeous and positively gorgeous?

          “So, I mentioned the ex-boyfriends before.”

          “The assholes, yes.”

          “The—well, yes.  But, okay, no let me start at the beginning.  The first time I had sex, it was with someone older.  Not, like, creeper older,” Tae said, waving his hands around before leaning back on his ankles, “just older.  He had more experience while I had none.  Not like I hadn’t experimented on my own, but I hadn’t been with anyone, you know?  But I knew I liked guys.  Knew since I was probably twelve.  Was positive by the time I was fourteen and met Jin.  This guy, he was one of Jin’s friends, and, hey, um, you’re not going to judge me, are you?”

          “No, Tae,” Yoongi said softly even though he was frowning in anticipation of what he was about to hear.

          “Okay, okay.  Well, I was probably too young to do anything, but he seemed genuinely interested in me.  And because he was more experienced, I let him lead me.  And it wasn’t great, per se, because what first time is?  I mean, movies and shows make it out to be this quick, cute, easy thing when it is in fact not, right?”  Yoongi barely nodded, not wanting to think about his own first time at the moment.

          “It’s gross and messy and painful.  Or, maybe it’s not supposed to be, but it was.  But the guy was sweet enough, I guess.  Or, I didn’t know any better.  I didn’t know what I liked, you know?  But I thought it was normal, so it kept happening.  I even thought not coming, as long as he was satisfied, was enough.  I thought me giving him what he wanted would bring us closer together.  When really it wasn’t giving.  He was just taking.  And he took a lot, and then he left.  We weren’t even officially together, so I don’t know why it bothered me so much.  I chalked it up to being young and naïve. I didn’t love him, I just,” Tae sighed, flopping his hands again.  Yoongi swallowed because he didn’t know what else to do.

          “So, my first official boyfriend, little mysterious, dark hair, killer smile, everything just fell into place easily. I did what I knew how to do and what I thought I liked.  I think he really liked me, in the beginning.  He was extremely sweet, and probably just as messy as me, so we got along well.  But he couldn’t get past my forgetfulness. It wasn’t even—okay, no, no,” Tae said, taking a deep breath.  

          “The point is, I bottomed, right?  And there are all these stereotypes about people who bottom, but one is that they’re more emotional.  That’s a bunch of bullshit, because it’s just a position, not, like, a state of being, but Hi—uh, this guy obviously believed them, so he kept saying I was too clingy.  Too much like a girl.  But I really thought I was, I don’t know, playing my part right.  I wasn’t trying to act more like a bottom, or whatever. Maybe a better word would be a sub, even if we weren’t like, into any of that.  Just, the more submissive one.  Anyway, I was just being me.  I’m an emotional guy.  I am a bit clingy.  I mean, you know,” Tae said, waving a hand at Yoongi.  He remembered to nod lightly to give Tae a clue he was still listening, though he felt like he could tell where all of this was going, and he really wanted it to end soon.

          “So, the first time he left after we fucked, since I was used to him staying, I seriously cried.  Bawled like a baby.  I had no idea what was happening.  He told me it just confirmed I deserved to be the bottom.  Which, I don’t know, I believed him, even if I know now he was wrong.  I thought feeling sad when someone abandoned me made me weak.  When, really, isn’t that just a normal human reaction?  I mean, do people, can people really just fuck someone and leave without feeling anything?  I know the answer’s yes, apparently, but I can’t.  I can’t do that.  Can you?”

          “Wha—” Yoongi said, surprised by the sudden question but more rattled by the way Tae was looking at him with wide and curious eyes that were completely open.  They were pulling him in, and he floundered for a second before diving in, clearing his throat.  “No. No, I can’t do that.  Never done well at the casual hook-up.”

          “Right?” Tae said, sighing a little.  “I just don’t get it.  I didn’t then, either.  Obviously I knew better, but I thought I was wrong.  It was a whole mess.  Anyway, after we broke up, I fell back into the same pattern with my next boyfriend.  Some part of me thought if I loved him enough, he would love me back how I wanted, or something.  Even when I found out he was cheating on me, I thought we could get past that.  I thought his words meant something. Obviously they didn’t, but, whatever, live and learn.  All this to say, when we broke up, I realized something.  The whole time, every time I had been with anyone, I was always the one giving.  

          Sure, it felt good most of the time, and sometimes I really thought that we were connecting or actually sharing something special, but I realized I wasn’t being me.  I was being who I thought they wanted me to be.  Or, I was being who they wanted, but it wasn’t me. Ultimately, I think that that was why we didn’t work out.  Sure, I forgot a lot of stuff, but I can concentrate and focus when I want to. Maybe I never loved them, either. Maybe I was looking for something they couldn’t provide for me, either, and I wasn’t about to change them, you know? So I told myself, I promised myself, I haven’t forgotten,” Tae grinned, a little twinkle in his eye, “that the next time I pursued anyone, I’d try to actually be myself.  Not that it’s been easy.  Old habits die hard, they say, or whatever.  I keep second guessing myself and doubting and worrying that I’ve messed up with you.  But I am trying to be myself so you can actually decide if you like me or not.”

          “Who, who do you want to be?” Yoongi asked, bending his knees to relieve a bit of the pressure on his back as he kept looking at Tae. “I mean, how are you different with me than with other guys?”

          “Oh, well, I think, fundamentally, it’s the same. I like to take care of people. Which, I know, I know,” Tae laughed, the sound alone making Yoongi’s heart thump, “doesn’t make much sense when you look at my apartment, but it’s a pro and a con.  I threw myself into every relationship 100%, constantly there for the guy except when I forgot something, okay, I admit, but my heart was in it all the way!  And that’s the same.  I tend to, uh,” Tae paused, clearing not wanting to freak Yoongi out, “fall hard and fast?  So love comes easily to me.  And I know that scares a lot of people.  But that’s me.  Not to say I love you yet,” Tae squeaked, laughing a little at himself.

          “But yeah.  Um, I like to take care of people.  And I did that bottoming, but I’m not going to do that anymore.  I mean, with the right guy, I think doing whatever feels safe and natural is best, but if we ever have sex, I’m going to top, okay?  I’m going to take good care of you.”

          “Oh,” Yoongi breathed, his eyes completely open now. He knew that Tae was expecting some sort of response, but he looked at the way his eyes narrowed and the way he licked his lips and the way he leaned forward, and he was pretty sure his brain short-circuited.  It’s not that he hadn’t thought of having sex with Tae.  On the contrary, he had thought of it more than he’d like to admit, but it had always been a bit of a fantasy.  For Tae to so blatantly just say it was so, well, Tae of him.  He opened his mouth, even though he didn’t know what he was going to say, but Tae jumped a little and beat him to the punch.

          “Oh, shit, I mean, I need to stop assuming.  I just think, you have this vibe, I mean, when I first met you, I definitely thought you preferred topping, and maybe, oh, well, you’re bi, right?  So you probably switch.  That makes sense.  Well, it’s not a deal breaker.  I can make that work.  Like I said, with the right guy, I’m sure—”

          “Tae,” Yoongi said, choking a little on nothing. What alcohol had been sailing smoothly through his veins had all but evaporated.  “I—I, god, I hate this.  Bottoming and topping, shit, who came up with that?”

          “Would you rather I said fucking or being fucked?” Tae said, completely serious.

          “No, god, no.  Look, obviously I topped or whatever with Sunmi unless she rode me which technically counts as—no, okay, there’s not, that’s not—do you really think people who bottom or are more submissive are weak and emotional?”

          “No!  No,” Tae said adamantly, “I mean that’s what people think. But that’s ridiculous.  No, no, I don’t think size or strength or emotions have anything to do with determining what people like in that regards, yeah?”

          “Yeah,” Yoongi said slowly.  “I just—hold on, I need another drink.”

          “I’m sorry,” Tae said as Yoongi got up slowly, taking his glass with him.  “We can drop it.”

          “No, it’s, I mean, I didn’t know this is what you wanted to talk about, but, spontaneity, right?”  In all honesty, Yoongi needed a moment to clear his head, so pouring himself another glass was more an excuse to think than it was to drink. The drink helped, too, though, even if it made his throat feel more parched afterwards.

          “Okay, look,” he said, spinning around and leaning on the island at a safe distance from Tae who looked like a proud but hesitant king on his throne of pillows.  “When Sunmi and I dated, we were really good together.  Like, knew each other’s likes and dislikes.  Could finish each other’s sentences.  Knew every button to push, which is a good and a bad thing.  So, yeah, for a year or so I topped, as you keep saying, and did all the traditional manly things that is expected of a guy in a relationship with a girl.  

          And then one night she came home really late, so I was already asleep, and she curled around me, and then everything changed. And I realized I preferred being held, okay?  I like being the little spoon, okay?  And I liked when she made decisions for us.  I wasn’t threatened, or whatever, by it.  If anything, I trusted her more because it meant she trusted me and knew me well enough to know what would help me which would help us both in the end. So, whatever that means.  And yeah, like I said the other day, I’m not a fan of people leaving after.  Sunmi wasn’t that way.  Sunmi would never.  But everyone since then,” Yoongi said, trailing away to take another sip of his wine that maybe really was a bitter as Tae said it was.

          “After Sunmi, you’ve?”

          “I’ve mostly fucked.  Sometimes been fucked,” Yoongi said, setting the now empty glass down a little too hard and crossing his arms over his chest.

          “So you like to switch?”

          “I like to not think so much,” Yoongi snapped, frowning.  “And not be questioned so much.”

          “Okay,” Tae said softly, pressing his lips together. He got quiet so quickly that Yoongi wished he would just keep talking.  He hated the way Tae was looking at him, like he forgave him already and was going to wait until he was ready to talk about things, like he wasn’t overreacting and wasn’t being too defensive, like everything was fine and going to be fine and—

          “Do you want to finish this movie?” Tae said, throwing a thumb at the TV.  Yoongi’s eyes glanced over the screen, unaware of what was even happening.  He shook his head slowly and watched as Tae dug around in the couch before turning it off, the quiet filling the room so quickly that Yoongi thought he heard someone giggling next door.  “I’m hungry, do you want something?” the guy said, throwing the remote down again and hoping up.  Humming non-committedly, still clinging to the counter behind him, Yoongi watched as Tae rummaged around in his fridge before shutting the door and whipping open a cabinet.  

          “I have shrimp chips, yes.”  Grabbing the bag, Tae cackled a little as he skipped back to his pillows and flopped back down on them, opening the bag with a loud pop and proceeding to crunch on a chip.  It was Yoongi’s turn to be a little miffed.  He hadn’t expected Tae to drop it so quickly, even though that was what he thought he wanted him to do.  But Tae’s words echoed through his brain: “Sometimes you say something you clearly don’t mean.”

          “Is that really it?” he huffed, lifting himself off of the counter with his arms still crossed.

          “What?” Tae said, his mouth full of chips.

          “Are we doing talking?”

          “You seemed upset, so, yeah,” Tae shrugged. Yoongi blinked a few times at the guy before sighing.  He made his way back toward the pillows slowly, sitting down by Tae and grabbing a pillow to hold in his lap.  “Want one?” Tae said, offering him the bag, but he only shook his head.  “No shrimp chips, got it.”  The things were incredibly loud, or Tae was just a loud eater, or the room had just gotten so quiet that everything seemed louder.  He settled back into the pillows, trying to get comfortable again, but he had to say something.  

          “Sorry,” he finally mumbled, but Tae only shrugged.

          “It’s kind of a big topic.  I should have been more careful.”

          “It’s not, really, it’s not a big deal,” Yoongi shrugged back.

          “Well, not to upset you, but you got really defensive and sounded angry, so it must be a big deal.”

          “I’m sorry.  It’s just—can you tell me what you meant?  When you said you figured me out the other day?”

          “Really?” Tae said, putting his bag of chips down and turning to face Yoongi.

          “Yeah.”

          “Are you sure?  You won’t get upset?”

          “I—I won’t get upset,” Yoongi nodded, sitting up to face Tae, too, the pillow a welcomed wall to protect him as Tae leaned forward, his eyes searching all of Yoongi’s face for something.

          “Okay, then.  I think you want someone to take care of you.  You want your autonomy, of course.  You’re not a baby.  You’re strong and independent and really smart and mature and have your whole life together.  But you need and want help.  But you think you don’t deserve it, so the second someone offers, you push it away or shut down.  You’re gorgeous but won’t accept it.  And you want to give yourself over to someone you trust, but that is hard, maybe impossible right now, for you.  But you want to.  You’re definitely, if you’re into that kind of thing, giving off sub vibes to me.  But you’re also fighting yourself.  I can tell by the way you look at me and lean in toward me and lose yourself a little sometimes around me.  I don’t care what you did with anyone else, but I think you want me to hold you and tell you what to do and take care of you.  Am I wrong?”

          Tae was not wrong.  Tae was exactly right.  But to admit that?  To open his mouth and agree?

          “I’m not.  I really don’t think I am,” Tae said, his hand coming up to use one finger to push Yoongi’s hair out of his eyes.  “Because you have that look now, like you hate what I’m saying because you know I’m right, but you can’t deny it, either.  Are you scared?  Whatever you’re scared of, you don’t have to be.  I would never hurt you.  Are you embarrassed?  There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.  I won’t do anything you don’t want me to.  I’d never force you to do anything.  And I know it takes a lot of trust, and it will be a while until you know me like you knew Sunmi, and I know I must be patient, so I will.  I just need you to tell me I’m right so I know what to do.”

          Tell him he was right?  Agree that trust takes time?  That Yoongi wants to agree with him but is more afraid than Tae is to mess things up?

          “Yoongi?” Tae said softly, his hand resting against Yoongi’s cheek.  His palm that Yoongi knew he was leaning into.  He knew there was no need to deny what Tae was saying.  He had figured him out.  Quicker than Yoongi expected.  He noticed before Yoongi even noticed, really, so why did he need to hear Yoongi agree?  He could see, couldn’t he?

          “Yoongi?  Can you open your eyes?” Tae said, but Yoongi kept them shut.  Tae wanted him to be comfortable, so he would be, here behind his eyelids in his own head.  Not that it was always a comfortable place to be.  It was messy, one part of his life that he couldn’t keep clean.

          “Okay, well, keep breathing, yeah?  Listen to me.  Don’t shut me out, please?” Tae pleaded, his voice deep and calm like an ocean under the night sky.  A calm before the storm, surely.  “Can you lie down?  Just to be comfortable.  I’ll be right here unless you want me to go.  Lie down for me, yeah?” Tae coaxed, his hand leaving Yoongi’s face only to slide down his arm and tug on his hand a little.

          “Yoongi, lie down, okay?  I’m going to get some water for you, but I’ll be right back.” His fingers slipped away from Yoongi’s before he could do anything, and Yoongi was at least glad that the apartment was so small.  Glad he could hear exactly what Tae was doing.  Walking with his heavy feet across the floor.  Clinking a couple of glasses together.  Splashing water into the cup.  The sounds made him want to get out his phone and smash some glasses of his own.

          Rationally, he knew he had no need to fear Tae.  He hadn’t hurt him before.  He had no reason not to trust him, either.  He had helped enough with the boys for Yoongi to know that he would be careful and kind.  Tae wasn’t anyone Yoongi had been with before.  He wasn’t his brother.  He was just Tae.

          “Here,” he said, and Yoongi opened his eyes to see a glass in front of his face.  “Drink this, yeah?  Better than that gross wine.”

          “Yeah,” Yoongi had to agree, because the water certainly quenched his thirst like the wine couldn’t.  It was soothing and cold and brought him back to his senses just a little, though he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Tae.  Tae, who waited until Yoongi was done with the glass before taking it away, his feet once again leaving, the glass once again clinking, except Yoongi watched him this time.  He watched as he came back to the pillows and stood over Yoongi until he craned his next up to look at him.  The smile that met his gaze made him feel undeserving, but Yoongi felt that a lot around Tae.  The guy deserved more than just Yoongi’s attention, to be sure, but he could at least try and give him that.  So he looked at him and met and kept his gaze until Tae’s smile changed into one of understanding.

          “You’re right,” Yoongi said, only to have Tae nod and reach for his face again.

          “I know,” the guy said, stroking his thumb across Yoongi’s cheek.  Something about the fingers on his head behind his ear made Yoongi burn, but he could be stubborn when he wanted to be, and he wasn’t going to look away now.  “Thank you for telling me, though.  I do have to admit, however, that it does make me a little sad.  That you don’t believe you’re gorgeous.”

          “’cause I’m not,” Yoongi muttered, hating how much the image before him flickered as his eyelashes fluttered open and shut.

          “You really are.  It’s okay that you don’t believe me yet.  But I hope you will one day.  One day you’ll not feel uncomfortable when I tell you.”

          “Sounds like you have a whole future planned,” Yoongi mumbled, trying not to think too much about how close Tae’s thumb was to his mouth.

          “Does that freak you out?” Tae said with a grin. “I know I’m a bit weird.”

          “A bit?” Yoongi said, though he couldn’t find any bite in his voice.  “Just sounds like you, I don’t know, have thought about this a lot.”

          “I have!  Okay, I’ve been waiting to ask you out for a long time.  I’m sorry it took so long.  Really.  And I know we’ve only gone out a few times, and this is totally not third date territory, but can I date you date you?  Only you? Can I be your boyfriend?”

          “My,” Yoongi said, finally looking away.  His eyes only met Tae’s legs, though, his long red pants so vibrant he had to look back up at Tae, whose smile had only slightly faded as the smallest hint of hesitation had come into his eyes again. Yoongi hadn’t quite understood how everything was so easy for Tae.  But he realized it wasn’t, not really.  

          Tae could climb to the ledge and jump easily, yes, but he still needed someone to catch him when he fell.  Yoongi had trouble climbing up in the first place, much less jumping.  Tae wasn’t fearless, he was just more optimistic.  He knew what Yoongi was going to say before he even asked, but he was still giving Yoongi a chance, and it was trusting him to say yes that gave Tae the smallest bit of doubt.

          “I,” Yoongi said, wanting to just say yes but finding himself blabbing instead, “don’t have time for you.”

          “Oh,” Tae said, his smile immediately fading and his hand slipping from Yoongi’s face.

          “No, I mean,” Yoongi said, stumbling to his knees and grabbing Tae’s wrist to keep his hand close by.  His fingers went stiff, though, so Yoongi leaned his cheek into it, desperate for him to just hold onto him again.  “I mean how can I say yes when I know I’ll feel guilty about not being able to just be available whenever you want?”

          “Yoongi, I don’t expect you to be available 24/7. Who would expect that?  That’s ridiculous.”

          “I just have the boys, and work, and I really, really like you, Tae, I promise.  But I’ll mess this up if you give me a chance.”

          “Why would you say that?  Why would you self-prophesize something not working?” Tae frowned, trying to pull his hand away, but Yoongi grabbed onto his forearm with his other hand.

          “Please, I’m trying to tell you you don’t want to date me.”

          “Then why are you clinging to me like you want me to?” Tae snapped, his eyes wide as his mouth dropped open.  He sucked in a giant breath even as Yoongi’s hands started to loosen as he sat back.  “Just say what you actually want, Yoongi.  Do you want to be my boyfriend?  Yes or no? It’s that simple.  Yes or not?”

          “It’s not that simple,” Yoongi muttered.

          “It really is.  Yes or no?” Tae said again, his fingers finally moving of their own accord as he knelt down in front of Yoongi and peeled Yoongi’s hand away from his arm so he could hold it in his own, his other hand scratching a little behind Yoongi’s ear.  “Yes or no?”

          “Yoongi?”

          “Yes or no?”

          “Hyung?”

          “Yoongi?  Yes or no?”

          Yes or no?  If only if things were really that simple, Yoongi thought as he ducked his head, the weight of Tae’s hand reminding him to stay present even as he closed his eyes again.

            Saying yes or no had never been easy.  Yoongi’s mind was full of flow charts.  Anytime an option was presented before him, he could think of multiple different outcomes, mostly negative.  Thinking of countless potential outcomes was a way to stay safe. But it was also exhausting.  And sometimes what he predicted didn’t even happen, especially when dealing with people.  It was hard to predict how other people would act.

          But he had thought of what saying yes versus no in different scenarios would have done.

          He could have said no to taking the boys, for instance.  But that would make him a bad brother and a bad son and a bad uncle.  It would have resulted in the boys being raised with his parents, and while Yoongi has days he’s afraid he’s scarring them permanently, he knows they’re safer with him than his mom and dad.  Saying no would have been, in many ways, easier, because saying yes meant spending more money and having less time to himself, but he’s glad he said yes.

          He should have said no when his brother wanted to get involved when he was getting screwed over.  He kept insisting he had it under control, and he should have told his brother to butt out.  But he hadn’t said not to.  He hadn’t asked for his help, either, though, so sometimes people took silence as a yes simply because it wasn’t a no.  His brother had walked away with bloody hands, and Yoongi spent the night smashing glass on his phone app.

          He could have said no to dropping out of college, but he said yes when Namjoon asked him if he was done.  He said no to classes and yes to real world experience. He said yes when Sunmi asked if they should break up and no when she asked if he was sure.  Because just saying yes or no really was never simple. The words were, sure.  Short and to the point.  But behind their syllables lay meaning and motive, and sometimes people said one thing when they meant another.  Sometimes a no meant yes and yes meant no.

          Yes or no?  

          Yoongi knew what he wanted to say when he woke up, but opening his eyes to the now dark room was confusing and disorienting. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, noticing the clock reading 10:39, and looked around the room for any sign of Tae. He wasn’t on the pillows beside him or on his bed or the couch or in the kitchen or on the patio.

          There was a gray cat, though, pawing at the door and mewing loudly.  Yoongi watched it for a second, trying not to freak out, wondering how long it had been there and what it wanted.  The sound of the toilet flushing made his head snap up to the small hallway, and sure enough Tae soon emerged, wiping his hands on his pants.

          “Oh, hey,” he said, pausing when he saw Yoongi sitting up.  “You’re awake.  Feeling okay?”

          “Need to pee,” Yoongi mumbled, getting up slowly and lumbering past Tae who stepped aside.  His mouth certain felt disgusting, so he looked for mouthwash or something while he was in the bathroom, settling for swishing around some toothpaste which was better than nothing. Yawning as he shuffled back to the room, he too paused when he saw Tae.  The guy was crouched down on his patio petting the cat and, presumably, talking to it in little whispers.  Feeling like he was intruding, Yoongi busied himself by getting more water before returning to the pillows, his spot he had previous occupied still warm as he sat back down.  He sipped his water slowly, looking up over the rim of the cup at Tae and shifting uncomfortably when he finally stood up and slid the door open to come back in. Keeping his foot out to keep the cat from getting in, Tae smiled at Yoongi in the dark.

          “Have a nice nap?”

          “Sorry,” Yoongi mumbled.

          “Did you have a nice nap or not?  Yes or no?” Tae said, standing with his hands on his hips by his bed.

          “Yeah, but I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

          “When you’re tired, you’re tired,” Tae shrugged before throwing a thumb toward the bed.  “But we should go to sleep for real, okay?”

          “Okay,” Yoongi said, standing back up and taking a pillow and his cup with him.  He sat on the edge of the bed as Tae picked up the pillows, returning some of them to the couch but most to the bed.

          “You like the left side, right?” Tae said.

          “Oh, yeah, but it’s okay if—”

          “I can literally sleep anywhere,” Tae smiled, “so it doesn’t matter to me.  Here, let me take that,” he said, reaching out for Yoongi’s glass that he gave him easily, though it left his hands empty that he placed in his lap as he bounced his knees a little.  “Hey, hyung,” Tae said when he was putting Yoongi’s drink down.  He took the few steps back to Yoongi, standing in front of him and nudging his knees with his own as he smiled down at him.  “Let’s play a game.”

          “Okay, what game?” Yoongi said slowly, looking up suspiciously at Tae.

          “It’s called yes or no.”

          “You just made that up,” Yoongi scoffed.

          “How would you even know?”

          “Okay, what’s the prize if I win?”

          “I don’t know, can’t you just have fun?”

          “A game with no prize if you win?  Sounds fake.”

          “You sound fake,” Tae huffed.

          “How do we play?” Yoongi asked, smoothing his hands out over his knees.

          “I ask a question, and you answer yes or no.”

          “That’s it?”

          “That’s it.”

          “This sounds suspiciously like when I make cleaning up their toys a ‘game’ for Jimin and Jungkook,” Yoongi said, giving the word air quotes.

          “Meaning it’s educational and fun?  You got it!  Okay, we’ll start with an easy one.  Do you like coffee?”

          “Yes,” Yoongi said, tsking and rolling his eyes.

          “See?  This is easy! Good job,” Tae beamed.  His tone wasn’t condescending, but Yoongi still felt like he was being ridiculous, so he rolled his eyes again.  “Okay, do you like jazz music?”

          “It’s not my fav—”

          “Yes or no, hyung.”

          “Okay, yes.”

          “Cool, me too!  I used to play the saxophone, actually, but I kept forgetting to practice, so I lost my touch.  Now, do you prefer digital to manual photography?”

          “Yes, you know—”

          “Good job, you’re doing great,” Tae smiled, tapping his finger against his chin and thinking again for a second.  “Oh, you were the youngest in your family, right?”

          “Yes.”

          “I’m the oldest, but you already knew that. And you prefer dogs to cat?”

          “Yes.”

          “Understandable, but cats are amazing.  Niko out there is so sweet,” Tae said, pointing to the cat who was currently giving itself a bath on Tae’s patio.  “Have you lived in Seoul all your life?”

          “No.  Deagu,” Yoongi clarified, watching Tae’s face light up.

          “Really?  Me too! I figured, based on your accent. That’s so cool!  Us Daegu boys have to stick together.  Is Namjoon from Daegu, too?”

          “No.”

          “But you met him at university?  And he’s younger than you?”

          “Yes and yes,” Yoongi said, drumming his fingers over his knee. “Tae, what—”

          “And you had fun bowling the other night, right?”

          “Yes,” Yoongi sighed.

          “And you liked that I kissed you?” Tae said, cocking his head a little when Yoongi didn’t respond immediately.  “Oh, come on, I know you did.  You even told me you did!  You liked when I kissed you, yes?”

          “Yes,” Yoongi said slowly, his voice a mere whisper.

          “Aw, hyung, don’t get all shy,” Tae laughed before his face got serious again.  “You liked it enough for me to do it again, right?”

          “If you—”

          “Yes or no, Yoongi.”

          “Y-yes,” Yoongi mumbled, staring down at his hands that were picking at his sweats now.  He watched as his hands were soon covered by Tae’s own, the man’s weight pressing into him as Tae’s face peered into his.  “Why are you like this?” he sighed, still not looking up at Tae grinning at him.

          “You’re really fun to tease.  But, also, I’m trying to figure out why it’s so hard for you to admit what you like and want.”

          “Most people just assume and then take.”

          “Well, I think we can both agree most people are assholes, yeah?” Tae said.  He stood back up, and Yoongi’s head raised as he retreated, but Tae’s hands pulled on his, effectively spreading his legs so he could step in between Yoongi’s knees.

          “Yes,” Yoongi agreed, wondering if they were even still playing the game when Tae let go of his hands to carefully grab his face.

          “Still want a kiss, right?”

          “Yes, Tae, god,” Yoongi sighed, rolling his eyes. Tae moved so quickly, his fingers cupping Yoongi’s neck and tilting it up toward him as he bent down, that Yoongi’s eyes didn’t even have time to focus back on Tae before he was kissing him. His surprised grunt was muffled, and his hands flew off his knees a little before he dug them into sweats, balling up the material in his fists as he closed his eyes, only blinking them open immediately when Tae pulled back.  He tried to focus unsuccessfully on the mole on Tae’s nose as Tae’s fingers scratched at the hair on the back of his neck.

          “Do you want more than one?  Am I being too mean?”

          “Yes.  Yes,” Yoongi pouted, feeling Tae laughing in his face as his eyes crinkled in mirth.

          “Okay, okay, sorry,” Tae grinned before bending back down.  Yoongi could feel his back arching as he tried to reach up toward Tae, and now that he was ready, he kissed back immediately, a pleased hum vibrating through Tae’s mouth toward his own.  

          “You’re just so cute,” Tae breathed, kissing the edge of Yoongi’s mouth and making Yoongi chase him a little.  Yoongi needed him to shut up, so he struggled a little against the hands on his cheeks, trying to press up into Tae’s mouth again, but the guy only withdrew with a chuckle.

          “Slow down.  The game isn’t over.”

          “Tae.”

          “Yoongi.  Will you be my boyfriend?”

          “If I say yes, do I win?”

          “Yep, and you can have any prize you want,” Tae beamed, stroking Yoongi’s cheek and fiddling with his earrings.

          “Okay then, yes.  Now kiss me again.”

          “Boy, you’re really demanding,” Tae teased.

          “I think you prefer the term high maintenance?”

          “I’m serious, though, Yoongi,” Tae said, his face looking so.  “You really mean it?”

          “Yes, Tae.  I mean, you’ll have to be patient with me.”

          “Me too, I know, hyung, I’ll do my best. That’s all I can ask of you, too.”

          “I know—I think, I mean, I haven’t—”

          “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Tae said, shushing Yoongi.  “Stop thinking so much.”

          “I can’t just, stop thinking, Tae, if I—” Yoongi said, effectively shutting up when Tae leaned down to kiss him again.  His hands flew up in surprise again, too, but this time he grabbed onto the closest thing, Tae’s vibrant red pants, and clutching to the guy’s thighs made Tae choke and peel away from Yoongi for a second to breathe.  

          “Okay, whoa,” Tae said, his pupils wide as his hands slipped from Yoongi’s face onto his shoulders.  “Hold on,” he breathed, kissing Yoongi’s forehead and standing up straight, Yoongi’s hands slipping from his pants.  “Come here,” Tae said before Yoongi could be too confused, though, his hand reaching out for him.  Eyeing it before placing his own in it, Yoongi stood up when Tae pulled on him a bit, and he let Tae maneuver his hand around Tae’s waist, keeping it on his back when Tae let go.

          “Didn’t want to crink your neck,” Tae explained as he put his own hand on Yoongi’s waist, his large fingers practically engulfing it.

          “That’s not a word.  It’s crick,” Yoongi said, frowning up at him.

          “Really?” Tae said, his other hand moving Yoongi’s hair out of his           forehead.

          “I’m just saying—”

          “Stop saying,” Tae said, tugging on him until their feet and hips were colliding and Yoongi had to bring his other hand up to Tae’s chest to balance himself.  Yoongi did stop speaking when Tae kissed him again.  He felt himself slowly stop thinking, too.  He was too busy concentrating on the pressure from Tae’s warm fingers on his waist and the grounding hand on his neck that was keeping him from leaning too far away.  He was thinking about how good it felt to be held and to hold someone, how his fingers and toes couldn’t stop themselves from curling as a shiver ran through his body. He licked his lips, almost forgetting for a second they were occupied, but the lick Tae gave back was enough for something high and low to rumble through his throat.

          Yoongi already knew that he liked Tae’s lips, but he learned that he liked his mouth, too, the way the guy seemed to be trying to steal Yoongi’s air while simultaneously passing every breath he had to him.  He almost forgot to breathe through his nose after a few seconds, gasping as he pulled away and felt Tae pull him even closer, squishing his hand caught between their chests, as he kissed up his jaw toward his ear.

          “God, you feel good,” Tae mumbled into his skin, the heat of his breath or his words alone making Yoongi’s hair rise.  “But I can’t get you too excited.  We gotta go to sleep,” he said even as he tugged barely on Yoongi’s hair, just enough for his head to tilt to give Tae better access to his ear.  He placed the softest, quickest kiss to it before coming back down Yoongi’s jaw, kissing the side of his mouth and then his nose before he lifted his head away.

          “Can I—let’s take your shirt off, yeah?  I promise I don’t expect anything from you tonight.  Just want you to be comfortable.  You usually sleep without your shirt on, right?”  Still trying to catch his breath, Yoongi simply blinked up at Tae. “Yes or no, hyung?  Do you usually sleep without your shirt on?”

          “Yeah,” Yoongi said.

          “Okay, me too.  Arms up, yeah?” Tae said, his grip loosening on Yoongi so much Yoongi fell into his chest a little to keep him close.  “Okay, in a second,” Tae chuckled, putting his arms back around Yoongi and holding him for a second.  Closing his eyes, Yoongi pressed his cheek against Tae’s black shirt, unsure if it was his own or Tae’s skin that was burning through the material. He counted to sixty before lifting his head, smiling a little when Tae beamed down at him.  As he seemed to be waiting for a cue, Yoongi let go of Tae’s shirt and stepped back enough to raise his arms, and Tae made quick work of his shirt, throwing it somewhere in the corner, and before Yoongi could even cross his arms over his now bare chest, Tae had discarded his own shirt, too.

          “Okay, bedtime!” he said, brushing past Yoongi to climb into his bed, patting the space in front of him over and over until Yoongi moved around to the left side of the bed to crawl into.  “Hyung?” Tae said once he had pulled Yoongi close to him. Trying not to think about how much of their skin was touching, Yoongi looked down at Tae’s hand covering his own and entwined their fingers, bringing it up to his chest before humming in response. “Thanks for giving me a chance. I’ll be the best boyfriend I can, I promise.  You’ll do the same, right?  You’ll do your best like you always do?”

          “Yeah, Tae, I’ll do my best.”

          “God, how did I get so lucky?” Tae mumbled, rubbing his nose up Yoongi’s neck, causing him to squirm a little to get away from the hot puffs of air hitting his skin.  He settled down when he felt Tae’s leg thrown over him, though.  He knew resistance was futile.  Not like he wanted to get away from Tae.  He could say that and mean it, now. He knew he wanted to be with Tae and be close to him.  His body or his brain might fight him occasionally, but he knew Tae would be patient.  

          For now, he tried not to think too hard about what his yes would mean, what saying yes would result in, about why saying yes was the right choice.  He tried not to make chart after chart in his mind and tried just to think of Tae’s fingers holding his, Tae’s chest rising and falling along his back, Tae’s hair tickling his skin whenever the guy started to nuzzle him like a giant cat.  

          And Yoongi definitely tried not to think about how Tae made him want to never look away and run and hide at the same time.  He tried not to think about him telling him he didn’t need to be afraid or embarrassed. He tried not to.  But Yoongi’s mind was a world of its own, and it was a long time before he fell asleep despite how comfortable it felt to be sleeping with Tae.  His body was relaxed and knew it could trust Tae.  His mind would just have to catch up sooner rather than later.

A/N:  Me, after writing and re-reading this chapter: That seagull meme taking a deep breath and then screaming.

Okay, wow, so much has happened.

Of course, the most important part is RANDLE the aloe plant!!! DUH!

Also, PLEASE let me know if you’re confused about Tae and Yoongi and their dynamic.  It only makes sense to me because I’m writing them and know their backstories, etc.

I do want to remind people that “top” and “bottom” is only a position, not like, a state of being.  I think those words get misused in fan fics a lot.  Also, this is NOT about to turn not a BDSM fic, haha, but Tae’s use of the word “sub” does fit Yoongi in many ways.  Again, let me know if you have questions, otherwise more will be clear as we go.

Now, on to questions!

1.     What gave you the inspiration to write Jugs-tae-poe-sistion?

a.      Honestly, I’m a sucker for single parent AUs, and I love kids.  I just thought of mint haired Yoongi with tattoos taking pictures and Tae taking pictures, and it just started to happen.  “Pink Bird Houses,” another one of my single-dad AUs, was so loved that I figured people wanted more similar stories, so here we are 😊

2.     When and how did you get into BTS?

a.      Some time in the spring of 2017, a couple of my students were telling me to listen to them.  I am REALLY weird when people suggest music to me. I usually go “Okay” and then never do. I don’t know why—I need to find things myself?  Anyway, I heard a couple of K-Pop songs that spring and then didn’t think anything of it.

b.     Later in the year, around October, I was visiting my granddad who was dying in Tennessee.  I was taking a walk and asked one of my friends who I knew liked K-Pop to send me a list of chill songs.  While it wasn’t chill, haha, “Monster” by EXO was on the list, but so was “House of “Cards” (my friend plays the chello). “Monster” caught my attention immediately, but “House of Cards” was the chill vibe I was looking for. Anyway, my friend mentioned other BTS songs to listen to, and that night I watched a ton of music videos.  “Fire” was the first one, and I was hooked.  Life went on, but that December I spent my two weeks off consuming as much BTS stuff as possible.  “Just One Day” mirror (appeal ver.) got me into the group as people, because I noticed Tae, and I had to know why he was so goofy.  Anyway, the rest is history, I guess 😊

3.     Do you have any pets? If you do please show pics!

a.      I do!  Arya is my dog.  She’s a corgi-German shepard (I know, weird).  She’s about 8 years old.  I’ll post a picture on Twitter.  My other dog, Stark, lives with my parents, but I see him often.  He’s 9 and such a little fancy pants, haha.

4.     What’s your writing process like? Do you work out the whole story first and know how it’s going to end? Or do you let the story develop as you go?

a.      Oh geez, um.  It depends.  I always try to write character driven stories, not plot driven stories, which just means I make my characters and let them run the show.  That means some of my stories take on a mind of their own. In “54 Days or More,” I wasn’t expecting what happened with Jin, for instance.  In “Speechless,” I had NO clue how it was going to end when I started. Right now, Namjoon in “Jugs-tae-poe-sition” is like “hey, give me more screen time!” so I’m like “okay, here!” when I thought he was just going to be a minor side character.  Some of my story ideas start with the end, so I work my way there, but mostly I just have an idea and run with it.  I envy people who can plot out their stories; that sounds a lot less stressful.  However, I simply am not one of those people.  It makes finishing stories VERY difficult, but I am someone who likes to know where I’m going, but I rarely do when writing.

5.     Have you been to a BTS concert?

a.      Yes!  Two, actually!! September 16th, 2018 in Dallas, and May 4th, 2019 in LA!  I am SO BLESSED to have gone twice!

6.     When did you start writing??

a.      In general?  Haha.  I was homeschooled, and my mom made me write in a diary every day when I was growing up. Around the age of ten I started to write for fun.  My first completed story was about forty pages and very similar to Lord of the Rings, as I had just read it.  I loved fantasy as a kid and wrote several stories in that genre.  Around the age of sixteen, I stopped.  In college, I wrote some, as I was an English major and took two creative writing classes that I both excelled and struggled in.  After college, I spent a year where I wrote a poem every day (though I missed a few).  In terms of fan fic, I just started last year in May of 2018!

7.     What hobbies to you have/ fun thing you like to do?

a.      Writing! Ha!  I read a lot.  I love to walk when the weather’s nice.  Baking and cooking, and I used to watercolor and cross stich a bunch.  Just imagine grandma activities; that’s me!

8.     Besides BTS what other musicians do you like?

a.      My other favorite band is Twenty One Pilots, whose music saved my life on more than one occasion.  I also love Ed Sheeran.  Other artists include Jon Bellion, Bastille, Mumford and Sons, Kill it Kid (RIP, they disbanded), and Troye Sivan. K-Pop includes Seventeen, Monsta X, iKon, Day6, The Rose, and TXT!