#by kakyuu

[suninthecentre]

Enmusubi: It’s done! Congratulations! May you live happily ever after!

Youko: I hear that the new Shikigami is an actual god. The god of matchmaking apparently, in charge of love and bond. 

Yasha: Well she doesn’t look that strong. Love bond is useless if it can’t be used to win fights.

Ibaraki: Oi, Miss, my friend doesn’t pay attention to me lately, can you fix it.

Enmusubi: Sure! I’ll exchange your red thread to an iron one!

Onikiri: I demand to be UNTIED with Minamoto No Yorimitsu, RIGHT NOW!

Enmusubi: Uh..cutting your thread requires hydraulic shears, I can’t afford it just yet...

Youko&Yasha: Is that how it works??!

Youlo: This has always been my dream! To have a harem in the guild!

Yasha: Those stupid SSR are all going to fall into depression once they breakup, and then it will be my chance to step up!

Youko&Yasha: Cut - all - the - red - thread - in - this - guild! Do it!

Enmusubi: .....

Kidomaru: Oh~ Something interesting happening. Do you need help? Beg me and I’ll help you.

Enmusubi: No I’m fine.

Enmusubi: Done!

Yasha: What do you mean by this, you garbage collecting hobo?

Youko: Ha, young lady, you might not know this since you are new. We are the absolute seniors and most ferocious bullies of the guild, you won’t easily get away if you try anything funny on us, am I right --

Youko: Ya..Yasha?

Yasha: Um...yea...Youko...

Caretaker of foxes & guardian of Yasha: Is this Enmusubi no Kami, we want to talk to you about —

Tamamo: ...destiny.

Aobozu: ...scriptures. 

Enmusubi: Is this too late to ask you for help?

Kidomaru: Now that it’s much more chaotic you think of me. 

Yasha: Youko!

Youko: Sha sha!

[suninthecentre]

WECHAT (whatsapp) check ✔️

LOFTER (tumblr) check ✔️

WEIBO (twitter)  check ✔️

Enmusubi: “I wonder if the pants are removable....”

Kidomaru: “Don’t you DARE take off other men’s pants!“

Onikiri: Why does my belt keep sliding off today..! This is the third time already, fortunately Master didn’t see it... 

(Onikiri hiding in the corner holding his pants)

[suninthecentre]

*loose cloth*

Yorimitsu: “Look at you, such is Demon King.”

Yorimitsu: “Bare chest, loose cloth, completely indecent!”

Shuten: “What about it?” *still very loose*

Shuten: “Cloth? Mah wife did this.”

Shuten: “He sits on me all the time I can’t even get him off.”

Shuten: “Do you have one?”

Shuten: “Would yours do this?”

Yorimitsu: “You are asking for death! You are sick! No decency! Onikiri...Onikiri wouldn’t... Oeyama must be destroyed!”

[suninthecentre]

King Emma: “For the Ghost Festival this year, we are inviting friends from Heian-Kyo over for a celebration. Welcome, Seimei-sama!”

Seimei: “Hello everyone.”

Hangan: “Hozuki-sama, I’ve heard of your fame and deeds, would you like to have a drink together?”

Ibaraki: “My friend is a demon king of Oeyama, but he has gotten decadent ever since some incidents, and now he’s obsessed with wine and women.

Ootengu: “Dark Seimei-sama is so devoted to the work of justice that he often forgets to eat or sleep, I hope he can relax a little sometimes.”

Hangan: “.....my problem is rather shameful comparing to yours.... I just wish Emma-sama would pay the.... employment benefit that she promised me, but I don’t know how to ask...”

Hozuki: “Hangan-sama shouldn’t feel ashamed. Proper payment is a basic motivator for hard work. You should talk to your boss straight about it.”

Enma: “The employment benefit that I promised you? I was wondering when you were going to ask.”

Hangan: “THANK YOU ENMA SAMA!”

Hozuki: “Good bosses never delay payments.”

Hozuki: “Your problem about the hard-working boss... you may think of it as a blessing rather than nuisance.”

Hozuki: “Everyone has unique hobbies. Some like to play games, some like to chase idols, some like to whip, some like to be whipped.”

Hozuki: “Why can’t someone find work a hobby?”

Ootengu: “Exactly! I should feel honored to serve someone like Dark Seimei-sama! I’ll help him complete the work of justice before these garbage return to Heian-Kyo! Thank you for the advice!”

Hiromasa: “Hey where are you going? Come drink wine and dance with me.”

Hozuki: “Next, Ibaraki-sama’s problem...”

Hozuki: “It’s one that I deeply sympathize.”

Hakutaka: “Hehehe, young lady, you’re so cute.”

Hozuki: “Obessed with wine and women.....”

Hakutaka: “Do you have a boyfriend?

Hakutaka: “Impossible! You are so cute!.”

Hozuki: “......”

Hakutaka: “Would you consider me?”

Hakutaka: “Let me treat you to a drink—“

Hozuki: “SUPER ANNOYING!”

Hozuki: “This is what I do usually. Hope this helps.”

Ibaraki: “But I don’t want to hurt— I mean, I can’t beat him, I’m destined to lose to Shuten.”

Hozuki: “Is that so? It would be a problem if you aren’t as powerful as him. You need a strategy. Perhaps try matching his weakness with your strength?”

Fem!Iba: “Can I get some wine from the demon king?

Shuten: “I hate you cross dressers. Don’t you have anything else to do as a man. Tanuki, give him some wine and let him go.”

Shuten: “Even if I have to jump off Mount Ooe, even if I have to die single, I would not look at you once!”

One month later.

Onikiri: “This is the invitation to their wedding, it would be an honor if you attend.”

[suninthecentre]

Kagura: “I used the last mystery amulet behind Seimei’s back and this guy came.... Who is he...?”

NPC: “He looks annoyed, I don’t dare to ask...”

Kagura: “So please help me take care of him before Seimei comes back.”

Sp ichimoku: “I told you moments ago that I’m Ichimokuren....”

Hannya: “Isn’t that just another skin of the stupid Yasha.”

Yasha: “Have you even seen skins drawn out by amulets?!”

Yoko: “Exactly, that’s definitely not Yasha, he has to at least show buttcheeks.”

Yasha: “What did you say!?”

【The Damage Squad】

Ibaraki: “Hey, new guy, wanna be a demon of Oeyama?”

Shuten: “He’s got qualifying horns and attitude.”

【Horns✔️Crankiness✔️Chest ✔️】

Onikiri: “Looks like a damage type indeed.”

【The CC Squad】

Ootengu: “Be careful, those guys over there are known for attacking their own teammates. If you are capable of crowd control, you should come to our side.”

Yuki Onna: “We are the winning side.”

【The Passerby Squad】

Orochi: “Do you want to see the little goldfish? No you can’t eat too much candy! .... alright alright, I’ll buy it for you.”

Sp ichimoku: “Quit guessing, I’m Ichimokuren, I’m not joining any of your teams.”

NPC: “Hahahah, you’re joking, how can you be that goody-goody Wind God.”

Ichimoku: “He is not lying.”

Ichimoku: “Long time no see, the other me.”

Yoko: “Oh no, are the brothers going to fight?”

SP Ichimoku: “What an irony. People used to not believe that the Wind God is kind, and now they think that someone who’s fearsome must not be the Wind God. How pathetic.”

Ichimoku: “We are not as we were before, and these people are not the people as they were before.”

Ichimoku: “We are now just shikigamis of the Heian-kyo.”

Ichimoku: “You know, this place is not that different from home. Seimei offers us shrine and sacrifices (food and shelter), and there are millions of believers (fans) that worship us, you can capture their praises using any device like this which is called a phone. Select any that you like, Android or ISO?”

Susabi: “Welcome.”

Miketsu: “Welcome!”

<Successfully joined>

【The God Squad】

[suninthecentre]

Orochi: I am Yamata no Orochi, an ancient God who has been sealed in the crevice between Inkai and Ankai...

Orochi: ...until one day, onmyojis of the Minamoto clan found me. They offered me food as sacrifice, and in exchange, I performed some minor miracles. We developed a good relationship.

Orochi: But today, strangely, they brought a bunch of mikos.

Orochi: Is this some kind of show before the meal?

Orochi: Humans are fragile, impermanent, and.. very creative??

Orochi: “I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING BAMBOO RATS TODAY?” <-snake god

Orochi: “DON’T THROW IN PEOPLE IF YOU CAN’T CATCH RATS!”

Orochi: My precious oil...! Don’t melt... ! These people cause me so much trouble... Gotta get them up quickly...

Orochi: Let me just mould them back, I’m really good at that... How did they look again... umm... Nine beautiful ladies right? Beautiful ladies —

*beautiful ladies in the eyes of snack-god*

Onmyojis: “Ohohohohhhh!! Orochi sama!! Yamata no Orochi is appearing right before our eyes!!” “That’s the snake god!” “Awesome!”

Orochi: Ha? You are calling that action figure my name!?

Yurimitsu: “You finally showed up, Orochi sama!”

Orochi: “I’m here alright?”

Bikuni: “Orochi sama~”

Orochi: “I’m here...”

Dark Seimei: “Orochi sama!”

Orochi: “.....”

Orochi: “Leave me the color number of your eyeshadow before you go.”

*Orochi arrives with anger*

Seimei: “Excuse me who are you?”

Orochi: “I am Yama —“

Ibaraki: “Seimei what the hell are you doing! We’re all waiting to farm Orochi 10!”

Seimei: “Coming, coming... let’s continue the conversation later!”

Orochi: “Young man, how do you go to the shrine?”

Onikiri: “On... on the left.... the world is beautiful don’t lose hope.... (somehow he looks familiar?)”

[suninthecentre]

(Background: According to Japanese folklore, Orochi is Shuten’s father, and Shuten is left in a Buddhist temple at a young age.)

Seimei: “Shuten-sama, Shuten-sama, I think I just drew out your father!” Shuten: “What are you talking about, are you taking advantage of me, bold head?”

Orochi: “Shu…ten?”

Seimei: “You’re here, Orochi-sama…” Shuten: “Ah…” (Dad? These onmyojis really did get him out from the crevice between inkai and onkai, are they insane?)

Orochi: “You dyed your hair?” Shuten: “Huh?”

Orochi: “You were born with black hair like me, not this chicken-feather-color. Also, what are you wearing? The sleeves are missing, as well as protection on your waist, you should be wearing proper kariginu. What do you have in that giant goard? Sake? Don’t you know how I got sealed? You don’t learn at all?!! I sent you to a temple so that you would stay away from these stuff, but you don’t seem to chant scriptures nor abstain…”

Seimei: “Don’t be mad, Orochi-sama, Shuten is the demon king of Oeyama, he has become a great demon.” Orochi: “What is that? A music band? Acting like such a gangster, and getting surrounded by bad influences.”

Shuten: “OKAY WHO IS IT THAT TURNED ONIKIRI AGAINST ME AND SENT ENEMIES TO ME TO HAVE MY HEAD CUT OFF? WHO ARE YOU PLAYING DAD TO?”

Orochi: “A belated teenage rebellion? That’s my mistake. Time for me to fill the educational void that I owe you for the past hundred years.”

Ibaraki: “Friend, what’s happening?” Shuten: “Nice timing, Ibaraki, come and help me teach this irresponsible man a lesson.” Ibaraki: “Who is the offender! How dare you!” 

Ibaraki: “TAKE MY—“ Shuten: “My dad.”

Ibaraki: “–SALUTE! Father!”

Orochi: “You are?” Ibaraki: ”I’m Ibaraki Doji.” Orochi: “What is it in your arms?” Ibaraki: “That’s Ibaball.” Orochi: “Oh, how old is the kid now?” Shuten: “Wait…Are we still fighting?” Ibaraki: “Hush, you disobedient son.” Ibaraki: “Just gotten two, he can’t talk yet. Sorry for the disrespect earlier, father.”

Yorimitsu: “Yamata no Orochi-sama, I have been trying to find you. Please come to the clan with me to finish the work of glory.” Orochi: “No, I don’t have time, gotta take care of my grandson.”

[suninthecentre]

Seimei: “Onikiri got confused during Demon Encounter boss fight for the first time and killed the entire team. It reminded him of some bad memories, so now he’s consumed by guilt and misery… Can you comfort him for me?” Shuten: “Don’t take it personally, Onikiri. As a demon king of Oeyama, we kill one or two teammates casually, that’s a long-standing tradition.”
Ibaraki: “Yes, I’ve done the same, just aim at Seimei next time and it will be fine.” 
Seimei: “……”