I say “happy” because for many this is a wonderful and empowering time of year, when identity and diversity can be celebrated maybe more freely than usual. However, there will be others too who find this month difficult, challenging or confusing. Maybe you haven’t quite figured yourself out yet, don’t feel comfortable with the labels you’ve chosen (or any labels for that matter), or are struggling with your identity. I do not whatsoever consider myself an expert on these matters; all I can do is share my experiences and what I’ve learnt, and hope that it can make some people’s Prides a little brighter.
Personally, I’m very sure of my sexual orientation and have been for a long time. I am asexual. However my romantic orientation continues to elude me…..like, honestly I don’t have a clue! There are so many different labels out there, which is of course wonderful, but it can be horribly disheartening when none of them fit quite right. Over time I’ve come to realise that my romantic orientation is a weird mix hetero, demi, and ace all rolled up into one. None of these labels alone feel appropriate however, and I’ve come to terms with the fact that how I experience romantic attraction cannot be summed up that easily.
Like I said, occasions like Pride month aren’t always happy and wholesome. At times such as these in the past I would begin doubting myself, and would feel guilty and insecure about that fact that I have no label. If there are any of you out there struggling with this, believe me I feel your pain. But consider this….
YOU ARE COMPLETELY FREE TO BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.
I have to give credit here to the lovely Madi @sighsofthetimes, who has shared some beautiful nuggets of wisdom with me over the last few days. They quite rightly point out that labelling is like boxing you into one specific corner, saying “THAT is what you are, this is how you MUST feel.” Obviously labels can be extremely helpful, especially at the beginning of discovering your identity when you’re still figuring out exactly how or if you experience attraction. It can give you a perfect starting point, a foundation on which to build on, because sexuality is fluid, and you are always changing and discovering new things about yourself.
From here on though, that label can just get too restricting. There’s no room for growth or fluidity. There are a whole bunch of reasons why labels might feel inappropriate for you, and guess what, all of them are normal and completely valid!
- Maybe you experience attraction towards both men and woman, but sometimes one more than the other.
- Maybe the intensity of your attraction varies according to gender, emotional connection, or just your mood that day.
- Maybe how you approach relationships is different for different people. Madi for example, who does feel attraction towards woman, cannot necessarily see themselves settling down with one, whereas a long-term romantic relationship with a man seems more appealing.
- Maybe you have a hard time differentiating your sexual feelings from your romantic feelings, thus labelling your orientations becomes an absolute minefield (this is very much me!)
- Or maybe you just feel attraction with no rhyme or reason, regardless of all the factors, and searching for the right label is one continuous headache (also me)
This is why so many people like to identify as “queer” – it’s so beautifully vague! Not having a label leaves you free to say “I like who I like and that’s enough” rather than “Well, this is my identity and God forbid that I ever start having feelings for someone who I’m not “supposed” to like.” Not having a label can be scary, not to mention awkward when someone asks how you identify and you haven’t got a straight answer! It’s like you need a label to prove how you feel, because your word alone isn’t enough. But try to learn to love the freedom that comes with this! You don’t have to conform to any stereotypes or worry about “not being gay enough.” Just be exactly who you are, and accept all feelings as they come, no judgement, no fear, no shame.
I hope that this has helped a least a few people to feel a little more comfortable with their identities this month. HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE!!
(Honestly I really cannot thank Madi enough for all that they contributed. This post is as much mine as it is theirs. What a team!)
