i've been going through the letters almost offhandedly. the edges of the wound held together by ignoring it, and it was draining. looking directly at grief is ridiculous, it'll take your head in it's hands and bang your shit around so violently that begging for mercy becomes just some other thing you do. and all it's really doing, besides holding your face to the fire and ripping your heart out, is this: he died, is totally gone. he loved you, in whatever way he did. you loved him and that was beautiful. he's gone now, in the form that you knew him in. it was all a gift, his life was lived and it was a gift. it was like thunder rolling in on a softening, electric summer dusk.
it SORT OF gets better but real slow. like, in spirals. one day you'll be like I'M FINE then the next day you will not be. you really won't! but it becomes less STRIDENTLY HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
i'm back now when he was a little over a year old. when you said what you did to me, took my face in your hands and pulled me in for a kiss, my head to yours, i knew exactly what you meant, and was surprised and deeply delighted by it. you had given shape to what was true. you said it and that was that. your gentle blue gaze—you said it matter of factly, without inflection and like anything true and holy, it just went right down into some of the hidden abysses, sober. ragged. the surrounds came into overwhelming focus. here we are. snow fell around us. i remained silent for a long time, listening to something behind your words. you said: i see it. all of it. your life and your death. it was winter. a tremendous force can be raised by just standing in love, no consolation, no empty edifying justifications. there's no warning. let's survive tonight (this strange form of life), and the next one. when you love someone, they know survival skills, this is what we have and what we have to work with, and they know how to surrender, they know how to look.
the next morning we made hot chocolate. i lay on the bed, malcolm next to me kicking a little in his dreams half awake and very aware of us both. we were watching small animals outside make tracks through the new ground cover, and mt regan emerging from shadow. from that moment on (and believe me, i marked it) there was no easy way, i mean without consequences, to abstract anything. or not trust my life. i mean, powerful initiatory experiences etc whatever assholes, but i know a few things.