Wait, what? Diabetes!
Just last week–-or was it two weeks ago?--I let a nurse suck blood from my arm. She seemed nice enough but sometimes I’d rather smell bad breath than peppermint. After that, some lab guy, probably name Lucas, ran my sample through his diabolical centrifuge. I’m sure he cackled. He had to have cackled.
When the results were posted online, I grabbed a scone and gave them a look over. I’m not a doctor but I can read the word “high” and there were a bunch of those on my chart. TO THE INTERNET!
Now I’m sweating. My fasting glucose was 184. Decent bowling number, bad for sugar. And my A1C was a 10.
I didn’t know what an A1C was but the Internet agreed a 10 is super not good. At all. The Internet screamed. YOU HAVE DIABETES, A-HOLE.
I dropped my scone and made a quick panicked appointment with my primary care physician who doesn’t remember my name even though he’s had his finger in my butt a couple times.
He looked at the chart and agreed with the Internet. YOU HAVE DIABETES, A-HOLE.
And this is when things got surreal. After dropping this life-altering diagnosis, he simply told me:
1) Lose weight
2) Check your feet everyday when you get out of the shower.
3) Don’t eat noodles.
4) Take these medications.
Boom. Done. I was excused. Not even a pamphlet.
Where’s my pamphlet? I want my pamphlet!
Left with nothing else to do but freak out, I freaked out. Luckily my wife, Julie, is the only person in the world who can reel me in when I fly to space. We regrouped and made another appointment with another Doctor who I’ve seen in the past, Dr. Dyehouse. He’s awesome. I got a pamphlet.