In which Jake compares himself to Guinea Pigs.
[Jake and Amy at their dining table, putting together their Pregnancy War Room]
Amy looks up from her binder-making and smiles when she sees her husband’s brow furrowed in concentration as he carefully lays a strip of green tape along the top of a week in their giant calendar. He presses down on the tape firmly, then leans back to survey his work.
“Look at that, it’s straight!”
Amy laughs and hands him a sharpie. “Would you like to do the honors?”
“Yeah, go ahead. You’ve earned it.”
She watches him write the word “Ovulation” in the center of the tape in slow, careful print. If only he could use the same penmanship on his work assignments…
“Ovulation’s when your egg leaves your ovaries and is ready to be fertilized, right?”
Amy nods, touched Jake had apparently taken it upon himself to read her subsection of the “Biology” tab in Binder No. 7C as well as his own.
“Well, either the ovaries release two eggs, or the zygote splits in half.”
“And triplets are the same, right? three eggs are released or the thing splits into three?”
“So your ovaries can release any number of eggs. Like five or six or whatever.”
Amy opens her mouth to say something, but Jake continues before she can.
“Theoretically, if it goes crazy and releases, like, fifty eggs, we can end up with —”
“Jake, what the fuck.” She really wonders where he gets his ideas sometimes.
“I’m not saying we should have fifty kids, but it’s possible, right?”
“No, it’s not. We’re not guinea pigs.” Jake gives her a shit-eating grin at that, and Amy rolls her eyes in exasperation. “You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah, but I’m your idiot.”
“Stop quoting that Die Hard fanfic you binge-read last week and get back to your calendar.”
They work in silence for a few minutes until Jake pipes up again. “Speaking of guinea pigs, you know how Charles brought some into the precinct? Well, I have insider knowledge that he and Rosa are hiding them in the back somewhere.”
Amy shrugs. “I know. I saw Rosa with pet food the other day, and Charles was covered in fur this morning.”
“Oh.” Jake pauses for a few seconds, then says, “You know, they’re really dumb animals.”
Amy raises an eyebrow but doesn’t bother looking up from the list of vitamins she’s currently putting together.
“Yeah, Charles was telling me. All they do is eat, sleep, and have sex.”
Amy reluctantly puts her pen down, predicting what Jake’s about to say seconds before the words leave his mouth:
Amy groans and ignores him.
Jake finishes July and grabs August. He reaches across the table for the blue “menstruation” tape, brushing her wrist gently in the process. When Amy looks up, he says casually, “You know, Guinea pigs can have up to 8 babies per litter.”
“If we’re so much better than them, why can’t we have—”
“Babe, you can’t compare yourself to Guinea Pigs. Humans are very different from them. For example, you can solve five felonies in a week, and they need help finding their way out of a cardboard maze.”
“We’re not going to end up with a hundred kids.” Amy smiles. “You can stop worrying.”
“Oh, thank god.” Jake breathes a sigh of relief. “But quints would be cool, right?”