Dion's "what have I done?" Before he falls unconscious hurts me more than anything else in this damned game. The burden and guilt he places upon himself - the atonement he wishes for - he's made it nigh impossible to reach. He knew from that very moment that only death would absolve him, because he could not ever forgive himself. And if you can't forgive yourself, you will never feel forgiveness from anyone else, regardless how much they DO forgive you.
That's why he plainly states that his life "ended" then when he speaks to Joshua and Clive. And when he mentions he does not fear death - no, he doesn't. He CRAVES it. He wants it. He does not want to survive- he merely wants to assist the Rosfields and then be laid to rest.
He didn't JUST send Terence away because he owed a debt to Kihel, or just to keep him safe. He sent Terence away so that he would not have to watch Dion die. Because Dion knows Terence wouldn't have left his side. He'd have gone to origin with them, hell or high water, and he would have seen Dion die. And Dion didn't want that.
If there's any positive to this, he is truly at peace when he takes his last breath.
~~
And on Terence's side - he KNOWS. He knows what Dion is doing. He's not stupid. He knows Dion casting him away was not a "break up" - he KNEW what Dion was planning. You don't know someone your whole life and find yourself blind to their intentions (especially after dating 10 years).
So why didn't he push harder to stay? Because no matter how badly his heart hurt, no matter how many pieces it broke into, no matter how much he will miss Dion and yearn for him the rest of his life, he wanted to give Dion some peace. If finding Kihel and giving her some money and safety was something he wanted so badly, it would be a "loose end" he didn't tie before he died and Terence couldn't do that to him. Nothing he could say or do would change Dion's mind.
Nothing.
But part of him still has hope that Dion WILL return. That's another reason he doesn't fight too hard. Because he thinks there's a chance Dion will survive and that he can help him find the will to live again.
But it hurts. It hurts so much. He's been so in love with this beautiful, precious, darling soul for practically their entire lives and all he wants to do is be there for him. Help him. Stay at his side.
And he can't. Because that isn't what Dion needs of him.
And so he leaves, and he cries, and he hopes and prays and grieves.
This is not a narrated fanfic, just detailed glimpses. Spoilers for endgame.
When Dion and Terence meet, they are quite young. Duty still weighs heavily upon their shoulders, but they are afforded moments to be children.
After running about for what feels like hours, Terence finally concedes. He plops down by a tree and tries to catch his breath. Dion plops down beside him, hand over his chest as he wills his heart to slow back down.
"My heart is racing." He says, and this catches Terence's attention. He places a hand over his own chest and grins. "Mine, too!"
A curious Dion leans over and rests his head on Terence's chest, hearing the quick beat almost immediately. He pulls back wide eyed, but smiling. "Yours is faster than mine."
-----
In disbelief, Terence surges forward and listens to Dion's heart. It's definitely a bit slower than his own, and he pouts.
Dion laughs.
They're pre-teens. After a long day of studies, Dion seeks out his dearest friend in an attempt to wind down. Terence had spent the day training, and was more than eager to have a few moments with Dion.
They spoke of the day's hardships and the burdens they knew they'd bear in the coming years. The weight of it all takes its toll on Dion, who ends up laying his head on Terence's shoulder.
Terence, slightly surprised, stiffens up and does not move. It takes some time for his body to relax once he realizes that Dion is merely sleepy. He talks and talks and talks, until Dion begins to feel a bit heavier on his shoulder. There's a slow, involuntary descent of his head down to Terence's chest as consciousness leaves him.
Terence takes it in stride, and lightly pats his friend's back in a comforting manner as he continues to talk. Eventually, Dion politely interrupts him and asks him to speak lower.
"I can hear your heartbeat. It relaxes me."
And so Terence whispers from then on, smiling softly as his friend eventually falls asleep in his arms.
----
As teenagers, their time together begins to lessen. Terence is busy training, and Dion is busy with his studies, training, and learning the burden of Bahamut.
The times they get to share together become more precious. Often filled with hugs, unintentional cuddles, and comfortable silence.
Terence falls very ill one day, unbeknownst to Dion. When he comes to visit his friend, he's surprised to see him bedridden.
Terence's cheeks are flushed, and his eyes can barely stay open. His skin is burning hot to the touch, and there's a rattle in his chest that worries Dion to his core.
Despite Terence's protests, Dion crawls into bed with him in an attempt to comfort him in some way. He pulls Terence in against his chest and tells him stories of the day. After some time, he expects Terence to fall asleep- he hopes that he will, to fight off this illness. When he looks down and sees Terence is still awake, he frowns. He pulls his friend in closer and lays his ear down over his heart.
"Close your eyes," he says, and Terence does. "And listen. I pray it shall bring you the peace to sleep."
Terence falls asleep moments later to the sound of Dion's steady heartbeat.
----
They're eighteen when they share their first kiss. It's a rare night together beneath the stars, with no duties or burdens in sight to ruin such a peaceful moment.
They lay in the grass, sharing stories and laughing softly into the night while everyone else is long asleep.
"I will labor as long as it may take to find myself at your side again, my prince." Terence says, and Dion feels a warmth spreading in his chest. "No matter the trial or tribulation, I will rise the ranks to be your second in command. This, I swear."
Dion thinks he has never heard Terence sound quite so serious before. It causes hope to blossom inside of him at the thought of being able to spend more time together, like they used to.
"Then I shall patiently await the day." Dion replies, looking over at Terence. He's surprised to see Terence is already looking back at him. "I would have you, and only you, at my side."
The look Terence fastens him with makes his heart race a little faster. There's a certain adoration in his eyes, and it works to soften Dion's own gaze. Long has he found Terence to be an attractive man - but now? He is simply gorgeous. Bathed in starlight and all his vulnerabilities exposed -
It draws Dion nearer. And nearer. And nearer.
"Dion-" Terence breathes, but not a single moment later does Dion bridge the gap between them and press their lips together.
Terence's response is immediate. He leans into the kiss and wraps his arms around Dion's waist to keep him close. Dion smiles softly into the kiss, allowing it to continue for a moment longer before pulling away. His hands rest on Terence's cheeks, but slide down to either side of his neck. Here, he can feel Terence's pulse thrumming just as quickly as his own and oh --
Oh, he's in love.
"Your heart is racing." He says, bumping their noses together gently. Terence huffs out a laugh at that, bringing one of his hands up to lay flat against Dion's chest.
"As is yours, my prince."
Dion thinks he would like to keep Terence now and forever. So long as he breathes, no harm will ever come to this beautiful, loyal man.
----
They are twenty five when Dion first discovers ashen skin on his forearm. It hurts, far more than any wound he's sustained up until that point in his life.
And he knows, this is the price he pays for Bahamut.
Terence is a painfully observant man, and it doesn't take him long to notice that Dion winces ever so slightly when his arm hits against the edge of a table, or brushes someone else's. He waits until they're alone in the tent that night to utter a word of it.
And when he lifts Dion's sleeve to look at the wound, his heart clenches tight in his chest.
"No - No, I will not see this spread. You mustn't call upon Bahamut, my prince. It will be your death."
Terence's words are desperate and pained, and it makes Dion's chest ache. He has no choice in the matter - as Bahamut is the hope and light for his people. And his father - well, his father thinks Bahamut the finest battle strategy.
It is his greatest burden to bear, and much to his dismay, it is Terence's to bear as well.
"You know as well as I, it is nigh impossible to refuse Bahamut." Dion says after a few moments.
And Terence, Great Greagor, he cries.
Dion comforts Terence to the best of his ability, running fingers through his hair and lightly scratching at his scalp. Terence continues his work despite his tears, adding salve to the afflicted spot and wrapping it with the utmost care. Much to Dion's surprise, Terence presses two fingers to his wrist after all is done, checking his pulse.
Terence frowns, and Dion raises an eyebrow in question.
"This curse takes toll in more ways than one. Your pulse is unsteady, my prince. I beg you rest, so that your body may heal from this great stress."
Dion cannot fathom the fear and pain Terence must feel - cannot fathom if the roles were reversed and he was instead tending to Terence's slow death.
He sighs, and leans forward to press their foreheads together.
"Unsteady as it may be, it will continue on. If for naught other than you, my love. I shall rest as you have asked of me, but I pray you may rest at my side as well."
Terence never was one to deny a request.
----
+1
They're twenty nine when Dion draws his last breath. Despite having been sent off to watch over Kihel, Terence knows his prince is in danger and sets off to find him once the skies settle down.
He comes across a motionless body on the shore and prays, prays harder than he has in his entire life, that Dion may still live.
Blood paints Dion's face, stemming from a wound atop his head. Though it looks painful, Dion's expression is at peace. Fear grips Terence as he calls Dion's name, gently shakes him, rubs his knuckles down Dion's sternum --
Naught wakes his sleeping prince.
"Dion, please. I beg you, open your eyes." He cries, laying his head down against Dion's chest. If there is any hope at all, it will stem from what Terence may hear inside his breast.
Only, he hears silence. Not a single beat. Not a shuddered breath.
Silence.
It's Kihel who gently pulls him from Dion's chest after he screams. Her gentle arms wrap around him, holding his head to her chest as she rubs up and down his back. She, too, mourns Dion - Terence can tell by the hitch in her breath.
Oh, but she is far stronger than he.
His heart beats on while Dion's slumbers, and all he can do is wish their roles could reverse and Dion could be here to live the life he always deserved.
Terence, who is more apt to follow his heart than his head. Terence, who will force himself to follow his head despite what his heart screams. Terence, who silently suffers from time to time because not being able to properly love the man who has completely and wholly stolen him hurts. Watching this very same man, this beautiful, righteous, strong, unyielding man, wither away in front of his eyes with naught but a "I have to" // "I don't have a choice"
It fucking. Hurts.
The overwhelming need to protect Dion from himself, to protect him from Bahamut, from his duties, his position, his pain- and not being able to, or not being allowed to. It's suffocating.
Terence would happily follow Dion into the jaws of death and not think twice. He would coddle that man, kiss his wounds, care for him when he needs it most. Guard him from all the wounds that come for his delicate little heart --
But he can't. He's not allowed.
All he can do is soak up every ounce of affection he's allowed to give and receive on Dion's timeline. All he can do is endlessly love this beautiful man through everything that happens. All he can do is promise that he will obey Dion's every word and order, and stand unwavering at his side.
And if Dion sleeps a little later than usual, hair a mess and softly snoring wrapped up protectively in Terence's arms --
Well, maybe he will just pretend he didn't know the time so he could soak up every possible second he gets to have holding the love of his life close enough to him to feel their hearts beat against one another.
Just thinking about how Mid's hug was not only the last hug Dion got in his life, but also the last gesture of affection he had as Dion. Clive and Joshua climbed all over Bahamut, but Mid's touch was the last deliberate act of affection he ever had in his life.
That hug is so important to me for so many reasons. Not only does it show Mid's heart and soul, her warmth and her absolute unending kindness - but Dion being awkward about it hurts me. It's meant to be a little funny I reckon, but it hurts me because this man is not used to hugs unless he sees them coming/initiates them. He doesn't expect people to give him affection. He doesn't understand why someone WOULD, especially someone he doesn't know very well at all.
And like, fucking bless Mid's sweet soul for giving him something he needed and deserved for the last time before he passed.
Happy Halloween, don't think about modern Dion and Terence watching silly horror movies and Terence being genuinely spooked out by them, therefore clinging to Dion like a second skin.
Talking with @fllameshield about dominants not only being able to detect/sense each other's aether and presence, but their heartbeats as well. Which we all know, is very relevant to my interests. But it's interesting in its own right - and I'll tell you why.
I think specifically of Dion and Barnabas, and Clive and Barnabas.
We have two pairs of what we could say are each other's biggest threats/enemies. There is much dislike between them.
Heartbeats, as a whole, taking my rose colored and biased glasses off, are regarded as very intimate things. Romantic partners listen to each other's heart. Family members do it, too. As do close friends. It's very sweet, very intimate, and 7/10 times comes with a very positive experience (you cardiophobics are valid, don't worry. I see you. I understand you. And as a cardiophile on the complete opposite side of the coin of you, I support you).
Keeping this in mind, most people would have absolutely zero desire to be intimate (romantically, platonically, familial, ect) with their arch nemesis. And assuming that most people relate heartbeats to intimacy, having no choice but to detect and track your nemesis' heartbeat could be considered a form of forced intimacy.
Barnabas, who literally cannot stand Dion, has no choice but to sense this gentle little flutter of a heartbeat from him when he wants nothing but to CEASE it.
Dion, who literally cannot stand Barnabas, has no choice but to sense that slow, booming heartbeat when Barnabas is nearby.
You get the point I'm trying to make. They're mortal enemies, but they know each other's heartbeats, the most private/personal/intimate thing about them, better than those closest to them - and not even by choice.
Dion is not a picky eater at all. He will eat just about anything you put in front of him. Terence is a little pickier, so sometimes you may see him gently scraping food onto Dion's plate.
It's such a shame that dion is the type of person who would literally like, "oh, is my existence bothering you? I'm sorry, I'll go exist elsewhere."
He's so good and so gentle and so sweet and so kind, and yet the way he feels about himself is so shitty. He has the strength and the gall to stand up for what he believes in to the best of his ability, and to stand up for others, but if he inconveniences anyone he cares about in any way, he will scramble to fix it.
just like how he feels that terence is better off without him, because he only brings pain, pain, and more pain to him.
