#caffeine chatter

[caffeinewitchcraft]

every few months i try to figure out how to build a website so that if tumblr ever gets nuked i dont lose all my writing and every few months i have to remind myself that i am a fish trying to climb a tree

[caffeinewitchcraft]

A 75 yo man proudly came into the cafe wearing an Ultra Maga hat. I excused my barista from the register to handle the transaction.

"The hat is customizable," he said, struggling with the velcro patch on the front. "If I need it, I have an ICE one too. I pick based off the business i walk into."

"Customizable is an important hat descriptor," I said. "what can I get you?"

"You wouldn't believe how offended people get these days," he said. "And I'm supposed to do something about it if you're offended? You chose to be offended!"

"We all have hundreds of thousands of decisions everyday," I said. I thickened my accent. "That's what my stepdad always said. But I can make one easier - we have a delicious Ethiopian roast available."

"Like if I told you you have a bull ring," he said, "because bulls have rings in their noses. Is that offensive?"

I laughed. "I've heard that before."

"It's a joke, but people get offended. Maybe you're offended."

I looked at him. I smiled. "You aren't trying to offend me though, right?"

Of course he was. I was being friendly and the friendlier I was, the faster he switched topics. He was saying anything inflammatory he could think of to see if I'd take the bait. After about 20 minutes of my redirecting and deescalating, he settled into a more normal interaction. He took up too much of my time showing me a product I'd feigned mild interest in to get him to stop talking about getting accused of inappropriate behavior at work. When we finally disengaged, he spent 10 minutes trying to catch my eye again. When he failed, he left.

There's this new breed of customer who insists on trying to incite political conversation through their clothing and, when that doesnt work, their snide little comments. If I owned my own business, maybe I would have given the guy the fight he wanted. But I work for a corporation and I love paying my bills so I deescalated.

Anyone wearing that type of shit and preying on workers for their own spank bank material is a brainless fucking sheep.

[caffeinewitchcraft]

Today a woman pulled through drive thru. After examining the menu, she asked, "What's the difference between the blended version and the iced version of that drink?"

My barista on the headset tried. "Uh...one's blended and one's...not."

A note of impatience. "But how are they different?"

My barista turned to look at me.

I switched on my mic. "The blended version is more like sweet treat milkshake vibes and the iced version is better if you're looking for a caffeinated going to work moment."

And somehow it was the correct answer.

Half of my job is responding to nonsense with nonsense and I think it's truly beautiful that that's communication.

[caffeinewitchcraft]

Today at work some wild turkeys got in the drive thru and I had to go out there to chase them off which I was not a fan of as my last interaction with a wild turkey was in 2014 when it had the bright idea of sprinting directly into the path of my oncoming bicycle and I was sent tumbling over the handlebars so violently my flannel sleeve tore

So I went out there and got them out of the way but one sort of lunged at me and in that moment I realized that if I got attacked by a wild turkey in front of a line of customers watching me do battle, I would simply close the store. I have the power to do that, I could do that and I would do that not because I didn't think I would win against the turkeys but because the embarrassment of the fight would actually be too much for me to handle. And I love embarrassment, i go on tons of first dates just to savor the awkwardness, so the realization that I do have lines was a lot to take in at 730 in the morning as I stood vulnerably in front of this turkey

Then the turkeys left and i felt myself retreating from this newly realized line like the tide going back out to sea

[caffeinewitchcraft]

Growing up, one of my dad's favorite quotes he'd say whenever he found me writing came from a movie called As good as it gets. In it, Jack Nicholson's character is asked how he writes women so well. He responds "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." My dad would later bastardize this quote to "I think of a man and then take away all logic."

rather than teaching me anything about writing, what this taught me was that my dad was never going to be able to understand a woman's point of view because he was proud he couldn't understand it. He thought of himself as "logical" and anything other as "illogical." I've met other people like my dad who won't read books with female main characters because it's "unrelatable." Growing up, most of the largest series in the world featured male characters with an occasional female side character. When an MC is a woman/nonbinary I hear "why do they have to be X?"

(and this is about ten times louder when a MC dares to not be a cis male or is a person of color)

At the heart of writing there is storytelling. And, at the end of the day, there will be people who don't want to understand that story. Not because it's not well-written or important but because it doesn't fit their world view. they don't want to hear about a main character that's female, nonbinary, black, disabled, fat, queer, etc.

Write those stories anyway. Bang on their doors and plaster those words everywhere they can see. Get comfortable telling your stories and get even more comfortable making those people who cover their ears uncomfortable.

There is community in what we do and in the stories we tell. Don't let those people who are proud that they don't understand diminish the great things you're going to contribute to that community.

(Edit for clarity: changed wording around cis male for specificity)

[caffeinewitchcraft]

Absolutely sobbing over this story I wrote in 2011 about a senior high school class being forced by the US govt into an alien exchange program (the idea behind it being the MC is loved in the new culture because she shares the same empathic abilities)

---excerpt----

As leaving early meant going home, Sandra was often the first to instigate group activities which made her more popular than she had been any other time in high school.

It was during one such day during 5th period math which was, in fact, 5th period Monopoly that the man in the black suit marched into class without so much as a “by your leave”. Sandra and her peers perked up at this intrusion. No one so formal had ever graced their classroom, besides the principal, before. Speaking of the principal, he was hot on the suit’s tale, face an ashy white while he nervously wrung his hands.

“Good afternoon, students,” said the suit, acting as if it were usual for an entire class of energetic high schoolers to be struck dumb, “I am Agent Morrison from the Department of Defense. I am here on behalf of the President of the United States to thank all of you for your sacrifice for this country.”

He paused for a moment, clearly expecting some reaction. Lynn was the first to start laughing, albeit weakly.

“Sacrifice? I guess you could call high school that.” A few other kids began to chuckle with her and began to outright laugh by the end of her statement. The Agent stared impassively until silence once again descende

“What is the meaning of this, Principal?” Our teacher, Mr. Boar asked directly. 

The principal licked his lips. “The school has been commandeered by the US government.”

“Do we need to evacuate?”

“Yes,” Principal nodded, “We do,” pause, “But the students have been commandeered as well.”

Pandemonium.

--- end excerpt---

Like it thrills me how much I clearly loved writing even back then. As I try to get over this latest stint of writer's block, reading my old work reminds me I like what I do (and have gotten a little better at it in the meantime)

[caffeinewitchcraft]

hey y'all i know that we'd all love to take the new lord up on his offer of wine and merriment in his halls, but we ALL know it's a trap to lure us into solving the phantasm problem haunting his ancient abode which has undoubtedly caused him many sleepless nights. i remind you that he was WELL warned by all three elder councils in the surrounding villages (which, by the way, includes the sole survivor of the last noble massacre) and he didn't listen. so those are his ghosts now to do with what he will and anyone stepping up to alleviate him of his griefs is a fool, a traitor, and an imperial apologist

[caffeinewitchcraft]

Spent an hour sobbing about how we are losing crafts then realized I can do something about it which is why I now can really fuck up some lace tatting while waiting for my bobbins to arrive

Paper making fears me (once I can make a lace bookmark)