#callifyouneedme

[jesslikeafox]

I like coming here because I can hear the forest breathe. I like talking to Jehovah here.

[jesslikeafox]

[jesslikeafox]

Someday

[jesslikeafox]

I’m going to be back in Portland soon.

And I kno that it has gotten bad there, and everything is different. It just feels like I’m going back home. Going back to friends. Going back to lovers.

[jesslikeafox]

I saw your message and I will be missing you forever and I’ll always love you.

[jesslikeafox]

My brain is being mad and hurting. I’ve been so very confused trying to find answers.

[jesslikeafox]

Chrysanthemum

[jesslikeafox]

I haven’t felt like this in a while,,,,

Last nite i had such a vivid dream of Chris getting married. And for some reason, cause this is a dream, he called to let me kno.

Looking at this lucidly, idk why some people do this. It’s like on shows and movies and novels. I think it’s popularized for intrigue and for two beloved characters to get one last.. idk, the point is, i don’t like it.

Back to the dream, in my head i was gonna StOp ThE wEdDiNg. And i even remember driving to Portland in my dream to do this with my dog in tow. But when i got there, i was sorta like, this is dumb. I remember i was in sorta a dark green room and i had my meeting clothes on, maybe i was in a room at the Kingdom Hall. But i just sat on my knees and cried and cried and cried. It was dumb for me to try and stop a wedding especially over someone who doesn’t consider me anymore. He’s a different person and he likes different people now. He doesn’t want to be with me obviously, pls can i move on. These were the things i told myself to pick myself up off the floor. And i did and i moved on and away from the whole situation. There is really nothing i can do cause it has nothing to do with me.

I woke up with tears in my eyes and my heart weighing as much as a smoothie left over nite in a freezer. I woke up wishing i would just die cause i didn’t want to visit these feelings. I struggled this morning. I still have his number and sometimes i am so tempted to text him. Like this morning. I want to call him, i want to be with him.

And i take a deep breath, and i stare at the wall. My eyes start to flood with big Miyazaki tears.

I think why on earth does it have to be this way. Is this the only piece missing from my stupid little life. Plus i kno that one day he’ll probably get married and that’s cool and good for him. I really wish i would give this up tho. Honestly, i haven’t felt like this in a reallllly long time. And maybe it wont ever go away; I’ll revisit it every once in a while in a dream or something. I just wanted to talk about it; i wanted to see it. But now I’ll maybe turn my day around by getting a scone from work or something. Pioneer meeting is today.