#calmsmilewildthoughts

[missambermoon]

The way I just saved a dozen kinktober graphics so I can start organizing the chaos that is my Kinktober 26 writing folder

They’re right next to screenshots I took of some new inspo that hit the other day from some less-than-sfw source material

Oh my photo gallery looks filthy

[missambermoon]

I don’t want to be this person, okay?

I want to- no, I’m trying so hard to be the person that goes with the flow and doesn’t need to have the “what are we” conversation and talk everything out to understand what I’m feeling, but-

But, I’m not that person, okay, I’m not, yet. Right now, I’m the person who needs to talk everything out because I’m driving myself insane trying to figure out what’s going through my own head.

So here I am, babbling to you, already wishing I had never brought this up, because, God-

It could ruin everything.

[missambermoon]

I just want you to be happy.

I just want you to be happy. But god damn it, I want to be the one to make you happy. I couldn’t stand it knowing that someone else is making you as happy as I once made you. I know I could love you more than she ever could. I already do. I always have. And I always will. 

[missambermoon]

I thought I was safe.

People say that when you’re crying it’s best to take a shower. That way, you can’t tell the difference between the water and your tears. Maybe something is wrong with me, because although the water stung my red skin, I could unmistakably feel the tears burn down my face. That’s when I truly knew that I was not okay.

[missambermoon]

You sent it at 4:09 pm. My movie didn’t end until 4:19. For a whole ten minutes, I was completely okay. I was so unaware that I was a few short minutes away from heartbreak, and I would read something that crushed every fiber in my being. I was allowed to smile for only ten minutes more. Since then, I haven’t.

The movie had a happy ending, so why couldn’t I?

[missambermoon]

I am so sick of being in love.

I am so, so sick of loving more than I am loved. I’m so tired of giving all that I have to someone, only to be crushed in the end with nothing to take from it but this empty, painful hole in my chest. So many times I have stitched it together, and so many times have I trusted too much in someone to hold the knife they use to pierce it again.  They keep telling me, Trust in love. Open yourself to them. They won’t last otherwise. You have to tear down your walls and allow yourself to be happy. But why should I allow myself to take down my walls when all that comes of it is pain and betrayal? Too many times have I heard the word “forever” and “always.” At the same time, I have not heard it enough in return. I should have learned by now not to let people in, and not to fall for them. I am so sick of being in love.

[missambermoon]

Calm Before the Storm

I've been doing so well lately. Lately means just the past few days, but that’s so much improvement from how I felt the past few months. 

I know I’m in the calm before the storm, but for once I’m not concentrating on the disaster awaiting me. Anyway, there’s no time limit on this calm, who’s to say it can’t last forever?

[missambermoon]

I only wish you happiness.

God, how I wish I could be there right now.Next to you, holding you.

How I wish that I could have been with you up until this point, at your darkest hour. How I wish I could have been beside you on your descent. 

How I wish that we had not come to meet the way we had, through the Devil. He had seemed so innocent, had he not? But he took you away, the way he once had done to me. 

How I wish our bond had been stronger than the one between the two of you. But of course, I understand. I would have picked him over me any day. 

But still, I wish you had not. I wish you had seen through his power that he continues to hold over you today, and I wish you had chosen me. Our friendship, relationship, if you must. Was it not important as well? 

But oh how I wish I was able to tell you back then, in the peak of our break, my feelings of you. I realize now that our bond was more amplified in my eyes than in yours. My confession would not break from me though, as I could see where your wants did lie. And how could I have possibly asked you to break from what you wanted?

How I wish that we had met in the hour of another day, aside from the path of the Devil. and that there were no side whisperers of our fate. Just the two of us, bonding as we did, I believe we could have been just fine. But I realize that is not reality, and I must not hold onto my foolish ideas. 

So now, how I wish that He will hold you, and speak to you as soft as I would. And tell you of your beauty, and tell you that all will be all right. I wish that he shows you all the love I have for you, so at least you may feel it from someone. 

I wish that one day, maybe one day, we will fall onto the same path again, and things may have the chance to turn out differently.

But for now, I only wish you happiness.