#cantstopworrying

[lost-atlantean-blog]

So why is it I can talk to a stranger but not to my loved ones? Why is everything in my life changing so much? Why am I so different now? …Basically, What the hell is going on? Talking to Dr. Gifford made me realize a lot. But it also brought a lot to my attention I hadn’t even noticed before. I have a lot to think about and a lot to figure out. This time away has also made me realize how I need time to myself a lot more often and for more extended periods of time. I’m just a mess and I never knew how deeply Cancer can affect you other than physically. I also never bother to think about how deeply everyday things can bother you. As I’m getting older im starting to understand what my mom went through raising me and keeping a roof over our heads and all the other problems I took for granted. I’m really going through a lot inside my head and I’m not sure what to do or who to talk to about it anymore. I don’t want Mike to be this sick, I don’t know if I can take care of him. How do you take care of someone who can’t move their head, or can’t walk? How do you deal with an Alzheimer person? I spent so much time helping care for elderly and handicapped people with my mom and then taking care of my mom, it consumed most my teenage years, I don’t want to have to do again and I’m not even sure I can. I’m so scared of it I can’t think straight. I can’t handle the arguing between the guys and the yelling and everyone not being on the same page anymore. This isn’t what I signed on for. Everyone was so patient with me during my cancer scare and ordeal but I’ve barely gotten over it and everything else starts falling apart and I feel like my wants and needs are just not important. It’s like “you survived the cancer and got good news so it’s over with and I don’t need to worry or think about you anymore”. Things were so much better when we first got here, I can’t believe how far we’ve fallen from then. I wish things could be like they were or at least somewhat like that. I do know I need to get rid of a lot more stuff and downsize a great deal and stop buying things that aren’t that important anymore. Staying in a place like this makes me realize how much I can. Really do with out. Now I just to put it into action. I need to change a lot about my life if I want to survive without the help of Psychological help.

[shansydea-blog]

I didn't even WANT to take pictures on the journey. (You read that right.) I lost my apetite and couldn't eat even half of my plate during dinner, even after it being the first time I'm eating proper food in days (and any food in thirty six hours). I can't fall asleep, even though I'm tired as heck and I'm in my room on my own much much comfortable bed where I've wanted to return to for so long. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm back home with the people I love but my mind is still back at school where certain events took place with the staff that could cause me to be failed this year. And I can't stop thinking about how one of the Physiology assistant professors told us that thirty students had been failed in Anatomy. THIRTY. Out of two hundred. Which means one in every eighteen students has failed. And that's just in Anatomy. The departments have all decided to take their anger from certain unavoidable fallacies this year and be absolutely ruthless during our finals. And none of my classmates deserve any of this, because nothing that went wrong was of their fault at all. But me? I deserve to fail. I'd avoided any kind of studying or academic related activity for literal months, and in addition to that went totally AWOL for two months without an explanation. I wasn't even supposed to be allowed to write these finals because my attendance was so low, but I guessed they overlooked it while issuing out the hall tickets and it wasn't really that big a deal. But now I'm sure they're going to take one look at my attendance and fail me. On second thought, I guess they won't even have to look at my attendance to fail me, with the way I'd performed in these exams. I've accepted that it's inevitable, and I ought to stop worrying about it and constantly thinking about it but...I just can't, no matter how hard I try. #todayinthelifeofshan #shanstudies #examstress #medicalschool #cantstopworrying

[nosuchthingasfriendssndfami-blog]

Why do I over worry about everything!!!