Secrets And Rules
"I'm really not happy with you right now, Chakotay. I trusted you." Kathryn said as she swiveled slightly in her chair. They were nearing Borg space and she really didn't need this. Not right now. Chakotay leaned forward, placing his hands palms down on the edge of her desk. He turned her computer so she couldn't be distracted. He wanted her to feel his frustration. "Well gee, I guess that trust should have included this too. I mean I wouldn't keep something this major from you. Especially since our common goal is to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. Or has the great Kathryn Janeway given up?" He achieved what he wanted, the look on her face said that had she something in her hand other than her favorite coffee cup, she would have launched it at him.
Swallowing her anger, Kathryn stood abruptly. She walked to the window, and stared out at the darkness, trying to shake off the memory. It wouldn't budge. It was so vivid she could almost smell the scent of lavender wafting on the breeze.
Sensing the struggle, Chakotay walked over and stood behind her. Gently, he began rubbing her shoulders like he had on New Earth. She didn't stop him, and he could tell she was trying to hold on to composure. He turned her to face him and lifted her chin so she would look at him. He saw the tears she was holding back, and the pain of the memory that was still holding her hostage.
Kathryn knew as soon as he began rubbing her shoulders that she was going to lose the fight of holding herself together. But there were rules to follow. The rules that for so long had made her life easy. No feelings, just follow the rules of Starfleet, and everything would be okay. But Kathryn had long ago realized that the rules of Starfleet are what had landed her crew and the Maquis in this situation. Because in the eyes of Starfleet the Maquis were a threat.
Looking into the dark eyes of the "threat" in front of her, she longed for his embrace. She knew all she had to do was ask. Ask, and the pain and the worry would abate for awhile. Ask, and she could forget for just a little longer. Ask, and she could break another restraining Starfleet rule. Ask, and things would be very different between them.
"All I wanted when I began looking Kathryn, was to understand what was driving you. It was never to hurt you. Never to fracture your trust in me." Chakotay said as he stepped away. He had turned away from her. More to cover his own pain that he felt but didn't understand. He stopped at the edge of her desk and drummed his fingertips slightly. "Hell, I wasn't even sure what there was to find." He turned back to her to find that she had nearly closed the distance between them completely.
"Then why didn't you just ask me?" Kathryn said as she resisted the urge to touch him. "Why?" Chakotay asked, as he kept the remaining distance between them. He decided to let go of the anger he felt, but knew he had to control it. "I didn't ask because I knew you wouldn't answer.." he began, "I knew you'd do exactly what you always do. Shut down, and push away. You have pushed all of us away in some way or another!" He realized he had raised his voice and took a deep breath.
"Not this time. This time you don't get to hide and shut down. You don't get to make the rules Kathryn. For once, you get to just answer." He stopped and let the air hang for a few seconds. Rubbing his hands over his face, he asked quietly, "What the hell are you so fucking afraid of Kathryn? Feeling? Fighting off the fear of not making it home? I'm sorry but fear is natural. Not feeling or trying to isolate so you don't feel is not natural."
Chakotay stopped, and in the silence you could have heard a pin hit the carpet. He looked at her for the first time since he had begun his tirade. Her face was flush with color, and she was looking at the floor the way she did when she was thinking. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and the breath he heard her draw was shakey.
Still looking at the floor, she realized she didn't like Chakotay's anger directed at her. Even worse she realized he was right. She shut down, and tried not to feel. But this secret was important, and had been nagging at her for years. She looked up at him, and in that instant, the second she saw the smoldering storm in his eyes, she knew not only could she not explain about Audrey, but he wouldn't tell a soul. It was time to break some rules, and share a secret.