I’m somewhere between a beer and an Earl Grey tea. On the one hand, I don’t feel like drinking tonight, and on the other, it’s way too hot in the house to have a warm beverage. But the tea is probably the direction I’m going in.
I haven’t written in forever. I haven’t written here, nor on my professional blog. I’m so bogged down in life that I have difficulty pulling my head out of the sand to try and fix what went wrong. Nothing really went wrong, I just feel like I’m in the wrong place. I should have taken more time to find a job I’d actually understand and enjoy. I should have been patient. And now I’m stuck in a place where I’m both uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time. I like the people well enough, I have a steady paycheck, I’ll have benefits...but I hate the work. I want to knit on my downtime instead of asking for more work that I’ll half-ass because I don’t understand if I’m doing it right. If I ask, I get a non-answer that puts me back to square one. I don’t like working in this manner.
I tried applying for a job related to my field...except it’s 1.5 hours away. That’s 3 hours of driving total every day if I get it. I’m not sure if it’s worth the gas...especially in California.
I’m working on art here and there. I wish I had more of a drive to get myself to work on the big project (felted taxidermy deer) when I get home from work. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. I also wish I had the drive to get up earlier because I can be more productive in the mornings. But, alas, I’d rather sleep. Also, reading. I want to read more, and that hardly happens. Dylan said he’d like to read one of his books to me, but of course when I’d like him to, he’s not here. He just left this evening to go on yet another ship for the weekend. This is the third one this summer (I know, it’s September, but it’s still super hot here, so it’s still summer in my head).
Also, I feel like my friends have all left. I know everyone has their own lives, and I totally understand that. I have my own life. But I know I’ve done things that are wrong, and I want to apologize to anyone and everyone I’ve hurt lately. I want to make things good between me and everyone and be happy. So, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
I think now I’ll have the beer instead. I just thought of something productive I can do that won’t take very long (morning art schedule?) and then I’ll knit for a little while.
Thanks for listening.