Living under one roof while separated. Is it the right decision for me?
If you’re considering separating, you may be wondering whether separating under the one roof is the right decision for you and your family. As with most things involving separation and divorce, simple questions often lead to complex answers. Ultimately, it depends on: Your financial situationYour relationship with the other parentThe age of your childrenYour relationship with your childrenWhat decisions you and the other parent have made regarding care arrangements in the short, medium and long termWhether anyone in the home is at risk of harm Let’s take a closer look at each factor.
Your financial situation
If you’re like many families, you live from week to week, paycheck to paycheck. Either one of you is working full time while the other remains home to look after the children, or you both work. And even if you both work, chances are the majority of one salary pays for the education and care of your children. So, before you do anything, you need to work out: How much money is coming inWho is contributing and what percentageWhat expenses you haveWhen those expenses are dueHow the mortgage, rent, groceries, and utilities will be paidWho will pay for those expenses moving forwardWhether these arrangements will be short-term or ongoing Also, it’s important to remember that if you continue to share expenses but don’t separate your bank accounts, the court may reject your application for divorce. You can check here to see what the court looks for when deciding whether you remained married, or separated.
Your relationship with the other parent
Look, if you’re choosing to separate, your relationship obviously isn’t ideal. However, if you and the other person can maintain an amicable relationship, your chances of successfully living under one roof while separated are higher. In amicable relationships, both of you are more likely to be open minded, flexible, and understanding. Not only will this approach serve you well, it will also demonstrate positive communication models to your children. On the flip side, if your relationship with the other parent is acrimonious, continuing to live together under the same roof for anything longer than a couple of weeks will only damage the relationship further. Sadly, the majority of separations fall into this latter category. The primary reason being a lack of trust resulting from gambling, infidelity or secret spending. If you’re going to remain under the same roof while separated, you want to trust that the other person is paying their share of the bills, and isn’t bringing new partners home. So, if either of you is gambling, bringing others home to rub the other person’s nose in it, or aren’t contributing to your share of the bills, remaining under the one roof is likely to be unsuccessful.
The age of your children will determine your level of involvement.
The age of your children
Newborn babies are helpless little creatures. They’re incapable of feeding themselves, getting dressed, and going to the toilet in the appropriate place. For this reason, you may decide that if you have a newborn or toddler, the best thing to do is hang around and lend a hand. Not only will this help you develop a bond with your child, but it will also help share the burden of raising a child. If your children are primary school age, they still require plenty of assistance in their everyday lives. You can teach them how to make breakfast, prepare their lunch, and get ready for the next day the night before. Depending on your work hours, you may also be able to drop your kids off or pick them up from school. You may be surprised just how much they love having you pick them up if the other parent normally does. Don’t underestimate the value children place on spending time with you. As your children move into the teenage years, they’ll start to form their own identity. They want to be cool like the other kids (which means not being seen with you) and start to run their own lives. This doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with you. It simply means they want to decide how, and when, that time is spent. It’s important at this age that you still provide guidance and support to your children. Particularly for teenage girls and mid-teen boys. Provide them guidance, a listening ear, and strength to help them back to their feet. If your children are working, they may even choose to help pay some of the bills. This will ease the financial burden. It may help you decide whether you’re best to stay or move out.
Your relationship with your children
More important than their age, is your relationship with your children. You may have fallen into the trap of working longer and harder to pay the bills. This means less time at home, and less time with the kids. If you’re also the disciplinarian, this could lead to the children believing you’re always cranky and never around. You can fix this, however. Chat to your boss to see if you can work flexible hours. Maybe that’s leaving early one day a week. Or working long hours one week so you can take a day off the following week or leave early every day. As for the discipline, there’s no reason you always have to be the bad guy. The best time to address bad behaviour is when the incident occurs. If you’re not around, you shouldn’t be the one doling out the discipline. Do some research and chat with the other parent about how they can discipline the children when behaving poorly in their care. Being more active in your children’s lives, and showing them you have a loving, caring side also is invaluable. Not only will a good relationship with your children help you now, it will also help your relationship with them when you and the other parent are living separately. So, if your relationship with your children could be improved, now is the time to work on it. And that leads me into the next thing to consider.
What decisions you and the other parent have made regarding care arrangements in the short, medium and long term
Look, some guys want to be involved in their kids' lives, some don’t. At the same time, there are plenty of dads who want to play an active, ongoing role in the lives of their children but the other parent won’t let them. As I mentioned in the previous section, you really need to consider what sort a relationship you want with your children. If you have children aged 3 and under, and you and the other parent aren’t planning on you playing a role in their lives, get out now. Most children aged eight or older don’t have a recollection of anything prior to age four. Therefore, if you aren’t going to be around, it’s best to leave now before your child has memories and recollections of you in their life. If you are going to be around, you need to consider in what capacity? For example, if you want to spend more than every second weekend with your kids, you need to take a look at how your life is currently structured. Most men work long hours, Monday to Friday, and only see their children late at night or on weekends. In most cases, if there is a dispute regarding the care of children, the Court will retain the status quo. That is, however, things are now, shall remain. While this may appear unfair in light of laws regarding equal shared care, if you can’t demonstrate that you can provide that shared care, there’s little the Court can do. And don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger. So, if you want to play a bigger role in your children’s lives moving forward, you need to make the necessary changes now. Therefore, living under one roof while separated makes sense in this instance.
If there's any risk of harm, you need to reconsider living under the one roof.
Whether anyone in the home is at risk of harm
Finally, the biggest thing to consider is whether anyone in the home is at risk of harm or abuse. This consideration isn’t just because you are separating. You should consider this is each of your relationships, whether intimate relationships or not. Regardless of your answers to the previous factors, if anyone is at risk of harm, the person inflicting that harm or abuse should seek help and remove themselves from the premises immediately. You can’t unbreak a broken child. And they can never fathom how someone who is supposed to love them could harm them. Therefore, if you or the other parent are abusing or harming your children, you should not live under the same roof while separated. Abuse and harm of any kind are learned, and often, victims go on to become perpetrators. The easiest way to break the cycle is to remove the offender from the environment before they harm the children. If you are being abused, record the event in a diary and report the incident to police. Everyone has the right to feel safe.
Final thoughts?
As you can see, there’s quite a lot to consider. Only you can decide whether living under the same roof while separated is the best solution for your family. In addition to the financial and relationship considerations, you need to consider past, current and future circumstances. Ultimately, each situation is unique. I hope this blog has helped you decide the best outcome for you and your family. Read the full article