PRIMARY ARCHIVE: "Things That Hotch Would Prefer Not to Know About."
SECONDARY CLASSIFICATION: "Things That Shouldn’t Be in an FBI Database But Are."
DOCUMENT TYPE: Unclassified Internal Report
PAIRING: Spencer Reid x BAU GN!Reader (Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn.. sort of)
WC: 1.3k (This was supposed to be a blurb)
CASE STATUS: Refer to attached report. (No spoilers.)
SUBMITTED BY: D. Morgan
ARCHIVED BY: P. Garcia
CASE NO. 001 | The IKEA Disappearance: A Tactical Search Mission
SUBJECT: A simple furniture shopping trip turns into an FBI level search mission after Spencer inexplicably disappears inside an IKEA.
INVESTIGATING AGENTS: D. Morgan, P. Garcia, Scout (Reader), S. Reid
Case 000 | Case 002 | Case File Index | Criminal Minds Masterlist
There are many mistakes to life. Some unavoidable, and some not.
Well the situation Scout was currently in, they would argue that this would land in the latter. But apparently the BAU has a penchant for trouble and a thirst for dramatics. When all that should've happened was to buy a couch.
Everything was set up and ready to go, Penelope The Personal Hype Women was ready to freely judge and give much needed advice in the bounds of a very pixelated video call, with Derek Morgan, the go to person proficient in interior decor. The two HR baits were meant to help Scout in their gruesome indecisive search, being fully prepared to be bullied into a decision
That was supposed to be it. That was the plan.
But Spencer Reid had not been a part of the original plan.
He originally had no interest in furniture shopping. A place so popular that becomes the host to what he resents the most: Germs. Through every touch, sneeze and snot they systematically increase without any bounds. A place where statistically, 78% of people buy something they don't actually need. So no, he was not interested by the least.
But all of those reservations were knocked down when Derek made an offhand bet.
"Come on, Pretty Boy, what’s wrong? Afraid you’ll get lost in IKEA?" Spencer scoffed at that idea. One of the tactics used to track down unsubs were through geographical profiles. Something he was extremely proficient in.
"IKEA layouts are designed specifically using a concept called long natural way. It's a one way system that helps customers avoid shortcuts by making them stick by a preplanned path. So, theoretically, it is next to impossible for someone with strong spacial and geographical intelligence to get lost"
"So you're saying you can't get lost?" To which Spencer nodded confidently. Morgan smirked, already setting a trap. "Wanna bet?"
And thus, they started a competition based on confidence that had their dignity on the line.
Having been a BAU agent for a while now, Scout should have known that the addition to their ragtag team of furniture finders (which for the record was a terrible name) would create nothing but chaos. Because the moment they stepped into the colourful maze of IKEA, Spencer started analysing the layout. So instead of shopping or giving helpful advice, he was walking through the store like it was some sort of case study.
"Did you know IKEA uses something called the ‘Gruen Effect’? It overwhelms the senses and disrupts logical decision making, which increases impulse purchases." Spencer's eyes were flashing from one place to other but the very enthusiasm in his words were something Scout found endearing. But their track record of being called for a case while on off was pretty bad.
"Uh huh, Fascinating. Would love to know more about this later. But for now, Couch. Please pick one." Scout pried, waving her phone to various options. But in Spencer’s excitement he unintentionally ignored her.
"The showroom paths are designed to mimic a psychological maze. Each section leads naturally to another, that is why around 80% of IKEA purchases are unplanned. Statistically speaking, the everage time spent in the store is 2 hours."
"Man, if you spent half as much time picking out a couch as you do analyzing one, you’d be done already."
"It’s important to understand the mechanisms that influence human behavior." Spencer was still unbothered by his statement.
30 minutes had passed in the search, Scout and Morgan had actually started looking at furniture, distracted by arguments over colour pallets and which was better for durability. What they didn't notice was that Spencer had stopped talking for a very long interval.
"Uh, did The Good Doctor just vanish?" Garcia was the first to notice his disappearance. This was the first time Scout and Morgan actually looked around.
"Oh yes, he's just.. uh" Scout was frowning scanning the room.
"Hold on where is he? Meanwhile Morgan took a page out of Scout's book and full on moved in a circle.
"Hey Derek, can you call him, my phone is.. busy right now" They were not worried. Yet.
But when Morgan gets no answer to the call. That is when it actually sets in.
"Oh. My. God. You lost Spencer in an IKEA." Garcia was now fully invested in this.
"No, we didn’t. He’s gotta be around here somewhere." Morgan tried his best to not let anyone overthink.
"He’s literally a 6'1 genius in a cardigan. How hard can he be to find?"
"Oh, babe. I have faith in you. But also? I’m already making a missing poster." This was going sideways way too fast. Scout's eyes widened in alarm.
"No, no! that is not necessary!" But by the look of Garcia's face it seemed like she had already started. They just had to do this on this very unassuming day?
Morgan took charge and grabbed one of the store maps.
“This man has three PhDs and still got played by a Swedish furniture store.” He grumbled under his breath as he studied the map. Apparently, he left no opportunity to roast Spencer.
“Okay, okay. I’m hacking IKEA.” Garcia took the initiative of using her skills to good use and started tracking Spencers last known location through IKEA's cameras."
"WHAT?!"
"Not in a bad way! Just… mildly unauthorized." Waiting a beat, Garcia went through facial recognition, she finally found the lost genius. And starts guiding them like a real FBI op. "Alright, I have a visual! Target was last seen near the bookshelves."
"Why am I not surprised?" Morgan pinched the bridge of his nose.
"New question, should I make the missing poster or a found in the wild meme. Be honest." Scout was already dragging Morgan towards the bookshelves.
"Garcia, PLEASE NO" Unbeknownst to Scout Morgan was texting Garcia the answer.
When they find Spencer he was in a very deep conversation with an IKEA employee. When he saw the two walking towards him, a minor blush painted his face.
"…Why are you in the children’s section?" From couch to children section, Scout was confused.
"I got distracted and ended up near the books. Then I thought I found a shortcut, but it led me here."
"You had a MAP, Genius." Derek pointed out. Spencer looked down and lo and behold it was pressed between his arm.
"The map was misleading." At that point both Scout and Morgan were looking at him in disbelief.
"Are you telling me you.. an actual genius.. were outsmarted by a furniture store?"
"Statistically speaking, 70% of people struggle with IKEA navigation. That’s SEVEN out of TEN." Spencer's hands were pacing and moving around in emphasis.
"Ok, but you have an IQ of 187." Scout took this as their chance to insert themselves in the situation. They weren't going to buy a couch either way.
"…Which is why I wasn’t lost. I was gathering data." Garcia was already cackling, and clicking away on her laptop slightly confusing Spencer. He looked at Scout for answers to which the only response he got was a shaking head.
"So. Much. Confidence." Morgan, again, was copying Scout by Shaking his head, though in a different context.
"A tragic downfall" Scout agreed. This was when Garcia yet again inserted herself in the conversation, effectively cutting them off.
"Guys, please. The missing poster needs a dramatic title."
"He went out for a couch and never came back" Rossi dryly said. He had gone to Garcia for something that seemed so nonsensical now, but was more interested in the particular incident at hand.
"That is completely inaccurate" Spencer scoffed, offended at the very statement.
"But is it though?"
CASE STATUS: Successfully Resolved
ADDITIONAL NOTES: INTERNAL USE ONLY
Target was recovered near the bookshelf.
Scout never got their couch (the real tragedy of the day)
Garcia completed the missing poster. (And enjoyed every second of it.)
Spencer insists he was never lost. (No one believes him.)
Morgan is still roasting him. (For the foreseeable future.)
Rossi’s official stance: "Sure, kid."
TAGGED PERSONNEL: Contact author for notification requests
CASE SUGGESTIONS: Submissions for additional reports are open and under review
PRIMARY ARCHIVE: "Things That Hotch Would Prefer Not to Know About."
SECONDARY CLASSIFICATION: "Why Derek Morgan Should Not Be Allowed to Assign Call Signs."
DOCUMENT TYPE: Unclassified Internal Report
PAIRING: Spencer Reid x BAU GN!Reader (Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn.. sort of)
WC: 1.8k (I am giving up on the concept of blurbs)
CASE STATUS: Refer to attached report. (No spoilers.)
SUBMITTED BY: D. Morgan
ARCHIVED BY: P. Garcia
CASE NO. 000 | The Rookie Incident: Call Sign 'Scout'
SUBJECT: A field op turns into a branding incident after Scout follows their instincts.
INVESTIGATING AGENTS: D. Morgan, P. Garcia, Scout (Reader), S. Reid, E. Prentiss, J. Jareau, D. Rossi, A. Hotchner
Case 001 | Case File Index | Criminal Minds Masterlist
It was a beautifully alarming day when Scout was offered to join the elite workforce of the Behaviour Analysis Unit. A place where only the best were chosen and strong willed stayed.
Scout still couldn't believe that they were selected. Even standing in front of the brightminded team didn't solidify it.
Of course, they knew that they had been chosen for a reason, and they were like a hound with a good nose for detecting clues.
And it was just that and more that impressed Aaron Hotchner enough to formally invite them to the team.
However, the dead never did sympathise on good news. It came with the job.
Scout's first case was brutal. Though it is always worse when children are involved.
Seeing the team in action, bouncing ideas was a marvel, which only made them want to prove themselves even more.
So, when they were on a hunt to track the unsub in the dark ominous forest and being grouped with Derek Morgan and boss Aaron Hotchner, they were more than eager to prove themselves in the field.
And they did just that when they found a sign of movement. A small scuffle of feet that wouldn't have been noticeable if not acutely aware.
Rather than alerting the group, Scout made a mistake that haunts them for the rest of their miserable life. Instead of waiting on the team, they act on Instinct and move ahead.
The passion and the energy of movement screeched to a stop with jerk. Morgan had pulled them back before they had moved too far.
"Whoa, slow down there, Scout. You tryna clear the whole place on your own?" Scout? Looking at Morgan in disbelief, did he really decide to pull up nicknames at a time like this? They had a name.
"I had eyes on the suspect-" But even the most plausible of distraction wasn't going to move The Derek Morgan from it.
"Nah, that’s it. You’re Scout now." The smirk lighting his face really gave away the amount of chaos he wanted.
But before any retort from the offended party could come through, Garcia took it upon herself to abuse the comms.
"Morgan, Stop assigning codenames on the field." Thank God for Hotch.
"Oooooh, I LIKE THAT. It is so fitting!" This was going to be a long day, or whatever was left of it. Even more reinforced by Hotch's disapproving stare.
If that was not bad enough, things took a turn to the worse when the team were getting status updates on the unsub by Garcia.
"Alright, Scout, what’s the situation on your end?"It seemed like the beautiful bubbly blonde really had it out for them.
"Garcia, don’t encourage this-" Scout huffed.
"Too late, sweetheart. It’s in the database now." Morgan bit back a grin feeling the barely hidden glare that Scout was throwing at him. Man, it was fun.
"Scout, Hotch and I are tailing the Unsub, need backup."
The only bright side to the day was that the Unsub was roughly tackled and shackled by Aaron Hotchner.
Now back at the precinct, Scout took the chance to finally have some time alone. It was their one goal to avoid confrontation or any attention from the team.
They sat at the best place they could, at the corner end of the seat. Tuning out the conversation between the legendary profilers.
It is just how it is with profilers. They simply could analyse any individual with bare minimum information. And the favoured topic for today was Scout themselves.
"Scout called it before any of us saw it." Prentiss said it so offhandedly and matter of factly that Scout raised their head from their phone slowly and blinked at Prentiss.
".....Excuse me?"
"Good catch, Scout." JJ nodded, with her signature warm smile, as if she wasn't conspiring against them.
"Are you two serious right now?" Scout's eyes bounced from Prentiss to JJ and back to Prentiss. Staring at the pair in horror.
"What? It suits you." The warm smile shifted to a teasing smirk as JJ leaned back in her chair.
"Better than the last nickname Morgan tried to give someone." Prentiss shrugged.
"Hey! I stand by ‘Thunder Legs!’" Morgan playfully clutched his chest in mock offense.
Spencer Reid was beautifully multitasking between reading his book, that Scout couldn't really see, and listening to the conversation.
"That was objectively terrible." Not even looking up from his book.
"Some of us are still trying to forget it." Rossi muttered into his cup as he sipped the shitty coffee.
From the uncalled for bullying against Scout, they got some valuable information. That Morgan's nicknames never did stick. It was like a casual comment that they could shake off. So they just had to wait it out
Right?
Then Hotch spoke.
"The team is with you for a reason. We don’t work alone."
"Oh. We’re doing this now." Scout stiffened , realizing where this conversation was going.
"What he means is, next time, don’t run off like a one person search party when you’ve got backup standing right there." Morgan grinned, not disagreeing with hotch, not one bit.
"Or at the very least, use your comms instead of playing hero." Hotch seemed terrifyingly calm as he look at Scout.
"…I wasn’t playing hero." They muttered, wishing that the chair would melt into the ground and thus let her disappear from this situation.
“Actually, statistically speaking, going off alone in high risk situations increases the chance of error by 72%. It also reduces response time in case of an emergency, which is one of the primary reasons why law enforcement teams operate in pairs or units rather than alone.” Reid adjusted his sleeve as he went into full genius mode.
Scout blinked at him, processing what he said. And tilted their head slightly like a puppy.
"That’s a great fact, Reid. Very helpful. Do you just… store all of these in a mental filing cabinet?"
"Essentially, yes."
"You’re a human pattern recognition machine." Scout grinned slightly, slightly teasing, but also not?
Reid paused for a bit, as if he was considering his words. Not entirely sure if it was a compliment or an observation.
“…I suppose that’s true.”
"Kid, you just got called a machine and somehow didn’t take offense." Morgan grinned, watching the exchange with an interest.
"That’s how you know it’s love." Rossi smirked over his coffee.
"EXCUSE ME??" Wow, they were such a broken record today
Spencer blinked once. then twice to thrice. Before shaking his head and returning to his book.
"That’s… not what was happening."
"…Sure."
"Okay. But this nickname thing? It’s not happening." Scout huffed, trying to salvage their dying dignity.
"Aw, you’re right. You weren’t playing hero. You were playing Scout." Prentiss reached out and pat Scout's shoulder in mock sympathy.
"Exactly. Scout called it first." And in came JJ fully seizing the moment.
"See? It fits." Morgan's grin never faded, it seemed it was growing, like he won the lottery.
"It does make sense contextually. ‘Scout’ is a term used for reconnaissance and forward observation, typically in military or survivalist settings. It implies someone who moves ahead of the group, gathering information before the rest arrive. It’s actually quite fitting." Reid nodded along.
"Wait, no-" The very horror this situation was, it was awfully unsettling how quickly this is catching on.
"Better than ‘Thunder Legs.’" Rossi gesture with his coffe, fully enjoying the moment.
"Welcome to the team, Scout." Hotch effectively cut the banter short, but this was far from over.
The first time Scout set their eyes on Spencer Reid. Sorry, Dr. Spencer Reid. They didn't expect such achievements from one at such a young age. He was pure brilliance without an ounce of arrogance.
He was impressive to say the least. And on the plus side, he never addressed Scout by their nickname, but by their government name.
Until today.
It was many cases later, mid briefing, the team deep into analyzing the unsub’s patterns. The conference room was buzzing, theories bouncing back and forth.
And then it happened.
And without even thinking.
"Just like Scout said the pattern of the unsub-"
“…No.” Scout whispered as they froze in the sheer horror of Spencer used Derek's appointed name.
And it got louder.
“…No. NO. No, no, NO.” They snapped.
By the sudden outburst, Spencer paused. Confused what exactly made Scout to react in such a way.
“…What?”
“Et tu, Spencer??” Scout pointed at Spencer dramatically, their face twisting in the utter betrayel of this moment.
It was like the room stilled.
Even Hotch glanced up at their antics.
“…It seemed efficient.” Spencer was genuinely confused at why everyone was looking at him.
But Scout wasn't done. They were gasping. Playing horrified with their hand on their cheast.
“Spencer. No. You were my one SAFE ZONE.”
“Oh, this is great.” Morgan leaned forward as he watched the drama unfold.
“Just like Scout said.” JJ smirked as she leaned back in her chair.
“Mmhmm. Just like Scout said.” Prentiss followed along.
“Oh my god.” When will this end?
“I’d put that on a plaque.” Trust the rich guy to make the souvenir.
Scout was sending many pleas for this to stop, and it seemed like Hotch heard their thoughts.
“Focus.”
“Welcome to the rest of your life, Scout.” Morgan whispered
“…I can’t believe this is how I die.” Scout's eyes widened, forcing their eyes on the table.
But what really sealed the deal was Rossi.
Scout had been fighting against that name for weeks. Weeks.
Morgan wouldn’t drop it. Garcia put it in the database. JJ and Prentiss found it hilarious.
But at least Spencer had stayed neutral. Well as nuetral as he could.
And then today happened.
They were in the BAU Kitchen, Scout was making coffee while they ranted.
"I am NOT Scout, This is a stupid nickname." They grumbled as they stirred their coffee.
"Whatever you say, Scout." Oh boy, did Scout really want remove that grin from Morgan's face.
“I swear to God-” They muttered under their breath.
And in came Rossi, pushing the final nail into this:
"You say that now, but one day, it’s gonna be on your tombstone." Rossi entered casually delivering the deathblow.
Silence.
"I'm sorry, WHAT??" The Reaction to Rossi's statement was mixed. Garcia had burst into tears as she laughed.
“OH, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.”
“Dark, but solid execution.” Morgan stifled a laugh, offering Rossi a fist bump.
The only consolation they got was Rossi giving a dry glare towards Morgan until he retracted said fist.
“That was a little intense.”
“But… not inaccurate.” JJ agreed with Prentiss, clearly amused.
“…This is my life now.” Scout said in realization as they looked between the offending people.
“I’m just saying, kid. You might as well accept it.” Rossi tried comforting them with a useless pat on the shoulder.
“Ohhh, that was so good.” Garcia wiped away the tears seeping out as she laughed at their demise.
“…I give up.” They sighed out as the rubbed their face.
“Good choice, kid.”
CASE STATUS: Emotionally UnResolved
ADDITIONAL NOTES: INTERNAL USE ONLY
Scout actually likes the name (don't tell anyone)
Reid is still adjusting to the nickname (maybe)
Morgan is fully prepared to add the name to Scout's tombstone.
Hotch might stop him (he will not)
TAGGED PERSONNEL: Contact author for notification requests
@princess-ofthe-pages
CASE SUGGESTIONS: Submissions for additional reports are open and under review
PRIMARY ARCHIVE: "Things That Hotch Would Prefer Not to Know About."
SECONDARY CLASSIFICATION: "How Not to Secure A Suspect: A Live Demonstration"
DOCUMENT TYPE: Unclassified Internal Report
PAIRING: Spencer Reid x BAU GN!Reader (Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn.. sort of)
WC: 1.9k (Again)
CASE STATUS: Refer to attached report. (No spoilers.)
SUBMITTED BY: J. Jareau
ARCHIVED BY: P. Garcia
CASE NO. 002 | The Houdini Gambit: A Lesson in Restraint
SUBJECT: A takedown turns into a handcuffed disaster after Reid becomes the star of a magician’s obsession
TW: Criminal minds stuff
INVESTIGATING AGENTS: D. Morgan, P. Garcia, Scout (Reader), S. Reid, E. Prentiss, J. Jareau, D. Rossi, A. Hotchner
Case 001 | Case 003 | Case File Index | Criminal Minds Masterlist
An unassuming day was something none of the BAU agents were used to. Quite frankly, with the nature of their job, it was something like a sighting of a blue moon.
Which is why today was no other.
It was the same drill. The same seats. The same dynamics.
Scout resided on their designated place, sandwiched between JJ and Spencer. Their seat was decided prematurely when they joined. JJ and Spencer at a glance were the royalty of giving comfort.
If only Scout knew about the chaos, they brewed inside.
Everyone was fully attentive to what was being presented at screen.
Another day. Another serial killer. Another life cruelly taken away.
"Ladies and gentlemen, and our very own doctor of wizardry. I present to you the works of 'The Magician' Vince Moretti which no self respecting Magician would ever call themselves if they were a serial killer. Leaves a bad taste." Garcia scrunched her face as the slides transitioned into various forms of utter brutality man could recreate.
“A magician turned murderer, that’s new.” Prentiss raised her eyebrow.
“Not just any magician. It seems he worships the old school greats. Houdini, Thurston, Copperfield—but mostly Houdini. And not just ‘wow, cool tricks’ kind of worship. More like ‘this is my divine calling’ kind of crazy.”
“And now he’s killing people instead of pulling rabbits out of hats.” Morgan leaned forward, which was mainly shifting in his seat, clearly unimpressed.
“Exactly. Our guy believes ‘escape artistry’ is the ultimate test of human skill. He doesn’t see these as murders. He sees them as failed illusions.” Garcis replied grimly as she clicked through the crime scene photos.
“Each of the three murder victims was placed in an ‘escape challenge’ as in trapped in a situation where a real magician might have survived. Our fourth victim was the first to get out alive.” JJ noted. It is truly a marvel how quickly she caught on. In the total non sarcastic way (Love you, boo ~ Garcia)
The slide finally landed onto the victims. Three failed challenges. A glass tank. A fire rope. A locked coffin.
“That’s terrifying” Scout muttered as they grimaced at the scene. Not quite used to the desensitised killers’ actions yet.
“The question is, does he want his victims to escape? Or does he want to prove they never stood a chance?” Hotch nodded, as he flipped through his file.
The somber moment was broken. Garcia’s face suddenly lightened up as she clicked for another slide.
“Oh, now for the fun part.”
“There’s a fun part?” Scout’s question went unanswered. Sort of. (It had to be done sweety ~ Garcia)
“‘True escape is only for those with minds as sharp as a blade. A true challenger will find me. Someone who understands misdirection. Someone…’”
“Don’t say it.” Morgan groaned, already knowing where this was going.
“‘…like Dr. Spencer Reid.’”
“…Did you piss off a magician recently?” Scout blinked a bit. Then turned to look at Spencer.
“Why does this keep happening to me?” Spencer was exasperated at the amount of times this has happened. Not even rubbing his temples brought any relief.
“What can I say? You’re inspirational.”
The whole team is staring at Reid, who looks mildly distressed.
“Okay, but objectively, this is kind of a compliment. He thinks you’re the only one smart enough to catch him.” Prentiss followed Rossi’s lead.
“Yes, because serial killer fan mail is always flattering.”
“Congratulations, Pretty Boy. You’ve got yourself a stalker with a flair for the dramatic.”
“He even called you a challenger. That’s, like, a villain origin story setup.” Scout nodded, mock serious.
“Please tell me I don’t have to personally go in after him.” Reid was absolutely done at this point. Only Hotch was his solace now.
“You’re not going in alone. You and Scout will approach first. Morgan and I will follow as backup.”
“…Fantastic.” It seemed Reid had aged a few years as the conversation progressed as he regretted his entire career path.
“Cheer up, Genius. At least he didn’t call you a sidekick.” Silver linings.
Scout and Reid were prepared to face Moretti. Well as prepared as they could be. Neither of them had experienced a Magician Serial Killer, even if the latter had years worth of more experience.
Very Reassuring.
Entering the quaint building did nothing to ease the building up stress. It had everything that horror movie does. Those ‘props’ or ‘scenes’ that scream run away. Far far away from here.
That thought was tied in with a creaking sound. Typical.
And like the most idiotic characters in the self made episode, the two followed.
Spencer lead this dance and Scout followed behind him.
And in as they followed the sound to a dusty living room. Or what was meant to be a living room. There was nothing, absolutely nothing.
“Ah, the great Dr. Reid. The mind reader. The one who sees all.” Moretti appeared seemingly out of nowhere. The grin on his face was nothing but sinister. His hands were menacingly playing around a pair of cuffs.
Scout jumped at the sudden sound.
Why? They don’t know. For a magician they should’ve expected that. But it went unnoticed by the offending man. He was fixated by Spencer.
His eyes unwavering from Spencer’s figure as he took a step towards Moretti.
And Scout took a baby step, ready to pounce if the grand magician decided to try to unleash his last act.
“You believe this is a game of misdirection. But in reality, your illusion is unraveling.” Spencer’s face was as expressional as a board. Completely calm as he analysed Moretti.
The only response he got was a booming laughter, bouncing at every crevice of the room. His manic energy was increasing. His grin, bigger. His eyes, excited.
“Oh, but the best magicians never reveal their secrets, Doctor.”
“Secrets are pointless when you are surrounded with no escape.” It was the first time Vincent Moretti’s crazed gaze landed on Scout.
He didn’t respond. Just tilted his head and watched.
He didn’t respond and that was creeping Scout out.
He didn’t respond.. In words..
He lunged at Spencer. Scout only saw a struggle between the two and moved in to subdue the Unsub.
But Moretti was one step ahead of both of them.
He grabbed both their wrists and snapped the cuff on them before any of them could react. Taking both their surprise to his advantage, he escaped. Leaving smoke behind to put insult on injury.
Scout looked down at the cuffs, giving it a firm tug.
“Did he just.. Ninja vanish?”
“That;s not even his best trick. He also picked my pocket.”
It was a tug of war and words between the two until the team came barging in.
“…This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” Morgan smirked at the sight.
“Garcia needs to hear about this immediately.” JJ already had her phone out to record.
“Okay, so tell me why my favorite little genius and my rookie in training are currently DEFYING STANDARD FBI PROTOCOL?” Garcia’s voice squeaked in the comms.
“Garcia, not now.” Hotch rubbed his temples. “Where is Moretti?”
“He disappeared.” Hotch took a deep breath in. and out. And in again.
“Of course he did.” followed by a sigh.
“All right,” he said, sharp now, switching into command mode. “Morgan, JJ, sweep east of the perimeter. Prentiss, Rossi, check the warehouse exterior. If he’s injured, he’ll find cover. We move fast.”
And then his eyes landed on the two people still awkwardly linked together by cold metal and mutual regret.
“Scout. Reid.”
Scout straightened like they were about to be deployed into battle. Reid looked away, trying to casually pretend he hadn’t just suggested Moretti wouldn’t escape.
Hotch continued, tone flat.
“Go to the car.”
There was silence. Then:
“Wait what?” Scout blinked. “Are we being benched?”
“It’s not a bench,” Hotch said, already turning away.
“It's so bench. This is a time out.” Scout nudged Reid dramatically. “He sent us to the car like we’re toddlers who drew on the walls.”
“Technically, it’s more like administrative separation from the crime scene for operational clarity-”
“Okay, genius, we’re being babysat. Let’s just call it what it is.”
Spencer sighed. “We’re going to the car.”
“This is the most FBI version of being grounded I’ve ever seen.” Scout muttered under their breath as they started walking.
It was a while after they were joined by JJ and Morgan in the car. It might have been personal because Hotch decided on the seatings. Morgan chose to drive and JJ was not so subtly recording the two.
“Are you really going to make us stay like this all the car ride?”
“Yes” The two were really enjoying this.
“So, how’s it feel, Genius? Finally outplayed by a magician?” Morgan looked at Spencer from the rear view with the biggest grin.
“…He didn’t outplay me. He relied on an unpredictable variable.” Spencer huffed, trying to cross his arms but the cuff and Scout not letting him.
“Oh, am I the variable?” Scout was now on the last leg of exasperated.
“Technically, you’re the assistant in the act.” Morgan mocked.
The car ride was silent after that. At least for the first five minutes, mostly because every attempt to adjust the cuffs ended in some form of passive aggressive elbow bumping.
Scout eventually gave up and leaned against the window. Reid was still trying to angle his wrist into a position that looked vaguely more dignified.
“Next time,” Scout mumbled, “I’m wearing a hoodie with zip ties instead.”
The SUV finally rolled into the garage.
Scout was out of the car before Morgan even finished parking, possibly to escape the humiliation, possibly just to get some distance from the world's most spatially unaware genius still rubbing his bruised wrist.
Reid stepped out after, fixing his cardigan with what little dignity he had left.
Now back at the BAU, Scout and Spencer were both freed from the piece of cuff.
By the time they got back upstairs, the rest of the team was already pretending not to wait for them. Badly.
Garcia practically beamed from her desk the second she spotted the duo.
“My little magical misfires return! Did you two enjoy your teambuilding exercise?”
Scout deadpanned, “I have seen my life flash before my eyes three times today.”
“You should’ve waved at mine while you were at it,” Spencer mumbled.
Morgan patted them both on the shoulder as if proud. “Tough day in paradise, huh?”
“Effective immediately, all field agents are required to review cuffing procedure.” Hotch didn’t even look up from the folder as he said it.
“That means you, Rookie,” Morgan added with a grin, nudging Scout.
“…This was still improbable.” Spencer rubbed his wrists in disdain.
“Not impossible though.” Scout responded flatly with their arms crossed.
“Next time, just buy dinner first.” Rossi walked pasted at this point unfazed by their antics ignoring the chaos that followed.
CASE STATUS: Resolved (With Added Embarrassment)
ADDITIONAL NOTES: INTERNAL USE ONLY
Vincent Morreti was arrested 6 hours after his amazing escape (a lot of self control was tested by Scout and Reid)
All agents had to go through lessons of handcuffs (They're salty about it)
Morgan and Garcia subsequently were called by HR from said lesson (They have no regrets)
JJ absolutely refused to delete the footage (It's good content)
Rossi somehow made it worse
Hotchner is half an incident away from having an aneurysm (He won't be going down alone)
TAGGED PERSONNEL: Contact author for notification requests
@princess-ofthe-pages
CASE SUGGESTIONS: Submissions for additional reports are open and under review
