Report Overview
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
BEHAVIOURAL ANALYSIS UNIT
PRIMARY ARCHIVE: "Things That Hotch Would Prefer Not to Know About."
SECONDARY CLASSIFICATION: "How Not to Secure A Suspect: A Live Demonstration"
DOCUMENT TYPE: Unclassified Internal Report
PAIRING: Spencer Reid x BAU GN!Reader (Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn.. sort of)
WC: 1.9k (Again)
CASE STATUS: Refer to attached report. (No spoilers.)
SUBMITTED BY: J. Jareau
ARCHIVED BY: P. Garcia
CASE NO. 002 | The Houdini Gambit: A Lesson in Restraint
SUBJECT: A takedown turns into a handcuffed disaster after Reid becomes the star of a magician’s obsession
TW: Criminal minds stuff
INVESTIGATING AGENTS: D. Morgan, P. Garcia, Scout (Reader), S. Reid, E. Prentiss, J. Jareau, D. Rossi, A. Hotchner
Case 001 | Case 003 | Case File Index | Criminal Minds Masterlist
An unassuming day was something none of the BAU agents were used to. Quite frankly, with the nature of their job, it was something like a sighting of a blue moon.
Which is why today was no other.
It was the same drill. The same seats. The same dynamics.
Scout resided on their designated place, sandwiched between JJ and Spencer. Their seat was decided prematurely when they joined. JJ and Spencer at a glance were the royalty of giving comfort.
If only Scout knew about the chaos, they brewed inside.
Everyone was fully attentive to what was being presented at screen.
Another day. Another serial killer. Another life cruelly taken away.
"Ladies and gentlemen, and our very own doctor of wizardry. I present to you the works of 'The Magician' Vince Moretti which no self respecting Magician would ever call themselves if they were a serial killer. Leaves a bad taste." Garcia scrunched her face as the slides transitioned into various forms of utter brutality man could recreate.
“A magician turned murderer, that’s new.” Prentiss raised her eyebrow.
“Not just any magician. It seems he worships the old school greats. Houdini, Thurston, Copperfield—but mostly Houdini. And not just ‘wow, cool tricks’ kind of worship. More like ‘this is my divine calling’ kind of crazy.”
“And now he’s killing people instead of pulling rabbits out of hats.” Morgan leaned forward, which was mainly shifting in his seat, clearly unimpressed.
“Exactly. Our guy believes ‘escape artistry’ is the ultimate test of human skill. He doesn’t see these as murders. He sees them as failed illusions.” Garcis replied grimly as she clicked through the crime scene photos.
“Each of the three murder victims was placed in an ‘escape challenge’ as in trapped in a situation where a real magician might have survived. Our fourth victim was the first to get out alive.” JJ noted. It is truly a marvel how quickly she caught on. In the total non sarcastic way (Love you, boo ~ Garcia)
The slide finally landed onto the victims. Three failed challenges. A glass tank. A fire rope. A locked coffin.
“That’s terrifying” Scout muttered as they grimaced at the scene. Not quite used to the desensitised killers’ actions yet.
“The question is, does he want his victims to escape? Or does he want to prove they never stood a chance?” Hotch nodded, as he flipped through his file.
The somber moment was broken. Garcia’s face suddenly lightened up as she clicked for another slide.
“Oh, now for the fun part.”
“There’s a fun part?” Scout’s question went unanswered. Sort of. (It had to be done sweety ~ Garcia)
“‘True escape is only for those with minds as sharp as a blade. A true challenger will find me. Someone who understands misdirection. Someone…’”
“Don’t say it.” Morgan groaned, already knowing where this was going.
“‘…like Dr. Spencer Reid.’”
“…Did you piss off a magician recently?” Scout blinked a bit. Then turned to look at Spencer.
“Why does this keep happening to me?” Spencer was exasperated at the amount of times this has happened. Not even rubbing his temples brought any relief.
“What can I say? You’re inspirational.”
The whole team is staring at Reid, who looks mildly distressed.
“Okay, but objectively, this is kind of a compliment. He thinks you’re the only one smart enough to catch him.” Prentiss followed Rossi’s lead.
“Yes, because serial killer fan mail is always flattering.”
“Congratulations, Pretty Boy. You’ve got yourself a stalker with a flair for the dramatic.”
“He even called you a challenger. That’s, like, a villain origin story setup.” Scout nodded, mock serious.
“Please tell me I don’t have to personally go in after him.” Reid was absolutely done at this point. Only Hotch was his solace now.
“You’re not going in alone. You and Scout will approach first. Morgan and I will follow as backup.”
“…Fantastic.” It seemed Reid had aged a few years as the conversation progressed as he regretted his entire career path.
“Cheer up, Genius. At least he didn’t call you a sidekick.” Silver linings.
Scout and Reid were prepared to face Moretti. Well as prepared as they could be. Neither of them had experienced a Magician Serial Killer, even if the latter had years worth of more experience.
Very Reassuring.
Entering the quaint building did nothing to ease the building up stress. It had everything that horror movie does. Those ‘props’ or ‘scenes’ that scream run away. Far far away from here.
That thought was tied in with a creaking sound. Typical.
And like the most idiotic characters in the self made episode, the two followed.
Spencer lead this dance and Scout followed behind him.
And in as they followed the sound to a dusty living room. Or what was meant to be a living room. There was nothing, absolutely nothing.
“Ah, the great Dr. Reid. The mind reader. The one who sees all.” Moretti appeared seemingly out of nowhere. The grin on his face was nothing but sinister. His hands were menacingly playing around a pair of cuffs.
Scout jumped at the sudden sound.
Why? They don’t know. For a magician they should’ve expected that. But it went unnoticed by the offending man. He was fixated by Spencer.
His eyes unwavering from Spencer’s figure as he took a step towards Moretti.
And Scout took a baby step, ready to pounce if the grand magician decided to try to unleash his last act.
“You believe this is a game of misdirection. But in reality, your illusion is unraveling.” Spencer’s face was as expressional as a board. Completely calm as he analysed Moretti.
The only response he got was a booming laughter, bouncing at every crevice of the room. His manic energy was increasing. His grin, bigger. His eyes, excited.
“Oh, but the best magicians never reveal their secrets, Doctor.”
“Secrets are pointless when you are surrounded with no escape.” It was the first time Vincent Moretti’s crazed gaze landed on Scout.
He didn’t respond. Just tilted his head and watched.
He didn’t respond and that was creeping Scout out.
He didn’t respond.. In words..
He lunged at Spencer. Scout only saw a struggle between the two and moved in to subdue the Unsub.
But Moretti was one step ahead of both of them.
He grabbed both their wrists and snapped the cuff on them before any of them could react. Taking both their surprise to his advantage, he escaped. Leaving smoke behind to put insult on injury.
Scout looked down at the cuffs, giving it a firm tug.
“Did he just.. Ninja vanish?”
“That;s not even his best trick. He also picked my pocket.”
It was a tug of war and words between the two until the team came barging in.
“…This is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” Morgan smirked at the sight.
“Garcia needs to hear about this immediately.” JJ already had her phone out to record.
“Okay, so tell me why my favorite little genius and my rookie in training are currently DEFYING STANDARD FBI PROTOCOL?” Garcia’s voice squeaked in the comms.
“Garcia, not now.” Hotch rubbed his temples. “Where is Moretti?”
“He disappeared.” Hotch took a deep breath in. and out. And in again.
“Of course he did.” followed by a sigh.
“All right,” he said, sharp now, switching into command mode. “Morgan, JJ, sweep east of the perimeter. Prentiss, Rossi, check the warehouse exterior. If he’s injured, he’ll find cover. We move fast.”
And then his eyes landed on the two people still awkwardly linked together by cold metal and mutual regret.
“Scout. Reid.”
Scout straightened like they were about to be deployed into battle. Reid looked away, trying to casually pretend he hadn’t just suggested Moretti wouldn’t escape.
Hotch continued, tone flat.
“Go to the car.”
There was silence. Then:
“Wait what?” Scout blinked. “Are we being benched?”
“It’s not a bench,” Hotch said, already turning away.
“It's so bench. This is a time out.” Scout nudged Reid dramatically. “He sent us to the car like we’re toddlers who drew on the walls.”
“Technically, it’s more like administrative separation from the crime scene for operational clarity-”
“Okay, genius, we’re being babysat. Let’s just call it what it is.”
Spencer sighed. “We’re going to the car.”
“This is the most FBI version of being grounded I’ve ever seen.” Scout muttered under their breath as they started walking.
It was a while after they were joined by JJ and Morgan in the car. It might have been personal because Hotch decided on the seatings. Morgan chose to drive and JJ was not so subtly recording the two.
“Are you really going to make us stay like this all the car ride?”
“Yes” The two were really enjoying this.
“So, how’s it feel, Genius? Finally outplayed by a magician?” Morgan looked at Spencer from the rear view with the biggest grin.
“…He didn’t outplay me. He relied on an unpredictable variable.” Spencer huffed, trying to cross his arms but the cuff and Scout not letting him.
“Oh, am I the variable?” Scout was now on the last leg of exasperated.
“Technically, you’re the assistant in the act.” Morgan mocked.
The car ride was silent after that. At least for the first five minutes, mostly because every attempt to adjust the cuffs ended in some form of passive aggressive elbow bumping.
Scout eventually gave up and leaned against the window. Reid was still trying to angle his wrist into a position that looked vaguely more dignified.
“Next time,” Scout mumbled, “I’m wearing a hoodie with zip ties instead.”
The SUV finally rolled into the garage.
Scout was out of the car before Morgan even finished parking, possibly to escape the humiliation, possibly just to get some distance from the world's most spatially unaware genius still rubbing his bruised wrist.
Reid stepped out after, fixing his cardigan with what little dignity he had left.
Now back at the BAU, Scout and Spencer were both freed from the piece of cuff.
By the time they got back upstairs, the rest of the team was already pretending not to wait for them. Badly.
Garcia practically beamed from her desk the second she spotted the duo.
“My little magical misfires return! Did you two enjoy your teambuilding exercise?”
Scout deadpanned, “I have seen my life flash before my eyes three times today.”
“You should’ve waved at mine while you were at it,” Spencer mumbled.
Morgan patted them both on the shoulder as if proud. “Tough day in paradise, huh?”
“Effective immediately, all field agents are required to review cuffing procedure.” Hotch didn’t even look up from the folder as he said it.
“That means you, Rookie,” Morgan added with a grin, nudging Scout.
“…This was still improbable.” Spencer rubbed his wrists in disdain.
“Not impossible though.” Scout responded flatly with their arms crossed.
“Next time, just buy dinner first.” Rossi walked pasted at this point unfazed by their antics ignoring the chaos that followed.
CASE STATUS: Resolved (With Added Embarrassment)
ADDITIONAL NOTES: INTERNAL USE ONLY
Vincent Morreti was arrested 6 hours after his amazing escape (a lot of self control was tested by Scout and Reid)
All agents had to go through lessons of handcuffs (They're salty about it)
Morgan and Garcia subsequently were called by HR from said lesson (They have no regrets)
JJ absolutely refused to delete the footage (It's good content)
Rossi somehow made it worse
Hotchner is half an incident away from having an aneurysm (He won't be going down alone)
TAGGED PERSONNEL: Contact author for notification requests
@princess-ofthe-pages
CASE SUGGESTIONS: Submissions for additional reports are open and under review
