Where I’ve been to where I’m at
Where I’ve been....I didn’t want to start my first blog post introducing myself with how I grew up. I grew up average(For the most part I think), in the average house, with the average family, going to average public school. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Instead I wanted to start with where my life started to get a little more interesting. Where I started to become the woman I am today.
Skipping over the start of my anxiety and depression (we will get to that later), I wanted to start in high school. When I got kicked out of that same average home, when all my friends abandoned me (or maybe i did), and I clung to my only hope, the abuser.
Junior year of high school, I started dating this guy. I wouldn’t have described him as “my type”. Probably the opposite, really. He was hard and thuggish. He was one of those guys that followed you through the years with his persistence in trying to pursue you, no matter how many times or how hard you turned him down. Maybe that’s what started to draw me to him. The way he tried to impress me actually was starting to become kind of charming. I don’t think I would have been as easily charmed by him if it weren’t for my situation, and need of someone to lean on, But thus began the worst three years of my life.
I don’t want you guys to get me wrong here. He wasn’t the bad guy....not at first. He only became that later. At first he was the one that was there when I had nobody. At first he was sweet and understanding. At first. I want you guys to understand that he took care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself. I thought I was in love, And I thought I could make it if this was my life long partner. (But let’s just foreshadow a little bit again with...) I was so so so very wrong. The whole way through. It was a real life nightmare trying to get away from him, But again we will get to that later.
Growing up everyone carves this image for you. You’re supposed to go to school, get good grades, graduate, and then move on to college. You graduate college and from there move on with a family and a career. I literally did none of this. Or if I did, I did it backwards. I collected my lazily, and barely earned diploma and never walked the stage, and never moved on to college. Instead I moved on to live with my then boyfriend, and continued to royally screw up my life. So with this perfectly carved image, that I so crookedly tried to follow, nobody prepares you for the real world when that path didn’t work out. Nobody told me how hard it was going to be when I finally saved up enough money to move into my very first apartment and finally escape an abusive relationship.
40 years ago(the baby boomers age) life came fairly simply. You could get a minimum wage job and earn enough to buy a decent home and support a family. Now minimum wage barely affords a one bedroom apartment. I lived paycheck to paycheck for my first year in my first apartment, alone with my dog mokah, barely affording to feed us.
I lived my first year on my own constantly looking over my shoulder scared to death I would run into my ex. I lived in fear while also trying to gain back the life I lost while I was with him. It was exhausting. Not much had been accomplished that year, but the best thing that’s happened to me so far also happened that year. I reconnected with my now boyfriend, Jade. He showed me everything I had been praying for, and so much more. I fell so easily over him. This time, my “type” of man had been updated, redefined and totally redesigned. He was my godsend.
Jade blessed me (sooner than expected) with the gift of life. That’s right you guys, I was pregnant, and within the first three months of our “established” relationship.
Even though I was head over heels for this god given man, I was terrified. I’m only 20, how was I going to raise a child? We didn’t even have a solid foundation to stand on yet! How is jade going to react? It’s only been three months! Maybe I should abort. No, I couldn’t. I may never have this opportunity again.(doctors told me I’d probably never be able to get pregnant). My mind was going insane with questions that had no answers. But none the less we went for it. We had a beautiful baby boy, and three months later started it all over again with a beautiful little baby girl.
Now I get to finish writing this from my phone, in the bathtub in my own, three bedroom home, with a lemon bathbomb, and blue cornflower petals, while Jade watches our two beautiful babies in the other room. We used our circumstance, and created a solid foundation, and more importantly, a life worth living. This is where I’m at.
Though I am contented with the life we have created I know this is only the beginning of our journey. Looking back and seeing how far I’ve come, only makes me realize how much farther I can go. So though this blog is going to start with my past experiences, I also can’t wait to share my new journey and all the emotions and thoughts as they come to me. This is me. Scrapbooking expressions, From a caterpillar to a butterfly.