Breaking Free from Religious Guilt: My Journey of Faith, Doubt, and Self-Acceptance
Introduction: A Journey Through Faith and Doubt
Growing up in the Philippines, being part of a deeply religious culture is often more than just attending mass; it shapes how you see yourself and the world. For me, being raised in a devout Catholic household was filled with traditions: rebultos, statues of saints, stood watch over our home, their gazes unblinking and ever-present.
Like the serene Child Jesus or the Virgin Mary, they saw as each guest brought their stain on our floors. Supposedly, they can eavesdrop on our private conversations and snatch them up as they pass through telephone lines. Despite that, I had to whisper and cover my mouth as if the statues were actual people with keen eyesight and sensitive ears.
God was watching. God was listening. He observed every action, thought, and word. This belief gave me comfort as a child, thinking that an All-Powerful Being was protecting me. But as I grew and my understanding deepened, it became a source of inner conflict, especially when my own thoughts began to diverge from what was considered “right”. It was later I realized that some of our beliefs were just self-righteous.
The Emotional Weight of Questioning Beliefs
I was taught early that questioning faith was wrong. It was a sin that could invite punishment, whether divine or parental. To my conservative, religious family members, the mere act of questioning and doubting was already blasphemy. But how could the gift of human curiosity and intellect be seen so? The expectation was clear: obey without doubt, limit desires, and strive for heavenly rewards. It was a paradox I struggled with: how could we be free if even our thoughts were monitored and judged?
Still, I tried my best to be a good Catholic boy. I didn’t want to disobey my parents. So I prayed the rosary with my grandmother and recited nightly prayers. None of these erased the unease I felt under the sense of surveillance from an Omnipotent Being. How can I be comfortable with the idea that even showering or private moments were under divine watch? I had to flush the toilet with the seat closed when taking a dump. I had to close the curtains while I hurriedly put on my underwear and shorts. This constant awareness that "even my thoughts were sins" led to self-censorship and anxiety. For a child, this burden can be suffocating.
Experiencing Religion Beyond Home
When I moved to Riyadh and later returned to the Philippines to attend a Catholic school, the teachings became more rigid. Religion transitioned from personal devotion to mandated routines, where worship was no longer an act of love but an obligation. One was not a good Catholic if one failed to meet certain criteria–power-hungry men made criteria I suspected with nothing better to do.
We were told that every blessing was solely God's doing, leaving little room for recognizing our own achievements. My questions resurfaced, intensified by seeing that faith wasn't just shared by Catholics. How could we claim to be the only true path when there were Muslims, Buddhists, and others?
The Clash Between Faith and Personal Identity
My greatest struggle came with understanding my sexuality. I was a teenager at this point. For years, I tried to deny that part of myself, feeling only guilt, fear, and isolation. Every lingering glance to any handsome boy in the class scorched me with guilt, making me recoil.
In my mind, I was not just different. I was inherently flawed, an "abomination" unworthy of God's love. This shame made every moment of teenage curiosity feel like a prelude to condemnation. While all teens face discouragement for exploring their identity, being LGBT compounded this pressure, making me believe that acceptance and safety were unreachable.
Finding Truth Beyond Religion
College opened my eyes to a world outside religious constraints: philosophy, science, art—contributions from diverse minds that religion alone couldn't offer. I began to see life beyond strict dogma, realizing that the world was far more colorful than black-and-white beliefs. I listed my grievances: how could anyone be sure of an afterlife? Why was it acceptable to judge others harshly under the guise of faith? I saw relatives who were fervent in church but quick to gossip or judge others' choices, highlighting a painful hypocrisy.
Over time, I learned that who I am and what I feel is normal, and I embraced that. The freedom to accept myself brought a sense of peace that religion had denied me.
Conclusion: Moving Forward with Understanding
This journey taught me that true morality is not defined by blind faith but by understanding, empathy, and authentic living. To anyone struggling under the weight of religious guilt, know that goodness comes from who you are, not just from attending church. Your worth isn't determined by following every rule but by finding your true self and being kind to others. We can honor traditions and our past without being trapped by them, creating a world where faith, identity, and personal truth can coexist.
Words: Ejay Diwas
