Killian accidentally sends his best friend a dick pic. [Spoiler alert: his best friend is David, not Emma.]
Once upon a time the lovely @captainwiley wanted to write a fic for the above prompt. The ladies of the Hub wanted that best friend to be David and so I stepped in to take one for the Captain Charming trashcan. Just 9 months later I finally have finished it. Dedicated to all of you guys, but most especially @mahstatins she knows why.
Warning: this is romantic captain charming, so if that’s not your thing, give it a miss. Also if you don’t like the word dick, you probably won’t like this fic.
“Have I ever told you how much I love you? Because I do you know. Really and truly. You,” Killian stumbled slightly finally feeling the impact of all the rum he’d consumed, “you are my best friend, and I’m not just saying that because we live together, you truly are the best. Apart from Dave. I think I love him more than you, I hope that’s ok.” He patted Belle’s arm in a conciliatory gesture.
Belle arched one eyebrow at Killian, “you really think I don’t know that Killian?” she crooked a finger to beckon him closer. He swayed, but managed to stay upright as he leaned in. “I know that you love love David. ” She grinned devilishly, before continuing in a stage whisper, “I think he love loves you too.”
It took Killian’s rum-addled brain a minute to process what Belle was saying.
“Wait. You think that Dave and I are” he waved his hand in the air, forgetting about the glass of rum in his hand and sloshing some of it on the floor. “That we are in love? Don’t be foolish, lass, he is a fine young man, but he is not for the likes of me.”
“A wannabe pirate?”
“A man.” Killian clarified. “My Dave only has eyes for beautiful ladies and so he could never be mine.” He sighed, the alcohol exaggerating his action into something comically melodramatic. “More’s the pity.”
“You know, Killian, for a perceptive guy you can be so blind sometimes.”
“Whatever do you mean m’lady?”
“You’ve never noticed the way David looks at you?”
Killian tried very hard to think of the way David looked at him, but his head was spinning and it was hard to focus on anything. All he could think was how happy he felt when the man was around.
And how horny the thought of David made him feel right now.
“Killian?”
“Sorry, what did you say?” Belle was smirking at him.
“Did I lose you to the memory of dreamy Dave?” Belle asked in a teasing sing song voice. “You think he’s gorgeous, you want to date him, kiss him and marry him.”
Killian could only groan in reply. “Now is not the time for Miss Congeniality quotes Belle. It is never the time for Miss Congeniality quotes.”
“And yet, you knew what I was quoting immediately.” Killian’s usual quick wit had slowed down and he couldn’t think of an appropriate reply. In fact, the only thing he could think about was David. And his strong arms, his stupid, gorgeous face and everything that might be in his jeans.
He didn’t fancy his best friend. He didn’t. He just needed to get laid. Maybe Graham would oblige? He pulled out his phone, completely ignoring Belle, and squinted at it, fumbling but eventually managing to type out just one word: “pics?”
He was quite proud of the accomplishment. He did after all have only one hand and did not have full use of his fine motor skills at that precise moment in time.
He shoved his phone back into his pocket and turned his attention back to Belle.
“Texting Lover Boy?”
“You could say that.” He felt his phone vibrate, and pulled it out of his pocket, licking his lips in anticipation. Graham, true to form, had sent him a fabulous photo. He bit his lower lip, tilting his head, “oh yes” he muttered under his breath. His ex really did have a great dick.
Belle shook her head at him in resignation.
“I just have to go use the facilities m’lady, I shall not be long!”
“You know, you always use fancy language when you’re drunk, it’s a sure sign that you need water.” Killian wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“You can’t trust the stuff, m’lady.”
He stumbled towards the toilet and locked the door. The lighting was a little dark in the room, but there was a nice big mirror. He pursed his lips for a moment, trying to decide how he wanted to do this.
He pulled his shirt out of his trousers, and unbuttoned it. He pushed down his trousers and boxers and his semi-hard dick sprang free. He stroked it a few times, then fumbled for his phone. Using the mirror he composed what he believed to be an artistic shot and snapped away.
He brought the phone up to his face to examine the result. He smirked to himself then sent the pic to Graham.
When he returned to Belle she was waiting for him with a large glass of water. “I thought you got lost in there.”
“I just had something urgent that I really needed to take care of.”
“I bet you did.” Her tone was unimpressed, but Belle had a little smile on her face.
Half an hour later Killian still hadn’t heard back from Graham. An hour later, still nothing. After two hours with no reply, he finally gave up and went back home with Belle when she suggested they leave.
Killian woke up in the morning with a pounding headache and a churning stomach. He staggered to the kitchen to grab water and blessed pain relief before heading back to bed to hide.
Wondering at what went wrong with Graham last night, he checked his phone: one message from Graham, sent this morning.
“No pic for me? Shame, I thought you were up for something last night. Next time ;) Gx”
Killian frowned. He clearly remembered taking a photo and he was sure he had sent it. He checked his phone’s history and froze: He hadn’t sent his dick to Graham. He had sent it to David.
Fuck.
***
It was early o’clock and David was fast asleep when he was woken up by his phone beeping at him. Bleary eyed he grabbed it - a shot of panic ran through him at the sight of Killian's name. What could he need at this time of night?
His heart beat faster as he opened the message - then faster still at what it contained.
It was a dick pic.
Killian had sent him a dick pic.
A pic of Killian's dick was now sitting in his inbox. (And what a dick it was.)
It was fair to say that he wasn't really processing the situation that well. He just couldn't help but stare at it. Surely it couldn't have been meant for him.
Could it?
No. Killian was not the type to send intimate photos to anyone unsolicited, it's most definitely not good form. The best thing to do would be to delete the pic and move on.
And totally ignore the tightness in his chest that overcame him at the thought of Killian wanting to send such a photo to anyone but him.
He locked his screen, rolled over and tried to get back to sleep.
“Ruby say you accidentally received something that wasn't meant for you, what should you do with it?”
“Just give it to the person it was meant for.”
“Like a message?” he practically squeaked.
“So pass the message on - why are you being so weird about this?” Ruby eyed David suspiciously, he squirmed uncomfortably, why did he think he could ask her about this without really asking her? She always could sniff out his secrets.
“Nevermind,” he answered quickly, trying to brush it off, but apparently this was the wrong thing to do, cluing Ruby in to the fact that yes, something really was going on.
“No, no, no. Tell me more about this message… Have you been accidentally intercepting declarations of love?” He couldn't help but picture the image Killian had sent. It was most definitely not a declaration of love. The Killian he knew and loved would send something far more poetic to express himself, this was nothing more than a declaration of horniness, even if it was akin to a masterpiece chiseled by a Greek God...
“Why David, you're blushing!” Ruby interrupted his thoughts. How had he forgotten that Ruby was there? He truly was fucked when it came to his best friend. “Did you get a booty text, Dave?” He could feel himself blushing harder. “Wait. Did you get a dick pic?” Ruby squealed her question with delight - and apparently his flaming face was answer enough. “You did! Who sent it? How do you know it wasn't for you?”
“Killian would never -” He realised his mistake a second too late. Ruby's eyes widened with undeniable glee and she made a grab for his phone. Luckily he had the presence of mind to snatch it out of her reach.
“Oh come on David,” she whined with a pout, “you have an actual picture of Killian Jones’ perfect dick on your phone, you have to share it.”
“What makes you think I kept it?”
Ruby raised a perfectly groomed brow at him in disbelief. “One: you and I both know that deleting it would be a crime against anatomy. Two: you and Killian have been in love forever and this is as close to his naked dick as you have managed to get yet. And three, perhaps the biggest giveaway of all: you are clutching your phone like it contains actual state secrets and you practically growled at me when I reached for it. You cannot tell me that you're that concerned about me reading the no doubt thrilling tale of when you and Robin are next going to watch the soccer.”
David gaped at Ruby for a moment before deciding that what he desperately needed right then was some advice. Hadn't he gone to Ruby because he'd known she'd work it out? He leaned in and looked at her earnestly. “What do I do now?”
“Send him your dick then go enjoy hot, sweaty sex with the love of your life?”
David blushed harder than ever, completely flustered by the suggestion. “But - I - I can't - I…”
“Look David, you have a few options. You can pretend that you didn't get the pic, save it for your wank bank and continue to live in misery. You can talk to Killian, although I have no doubt that you will find some way to avoid telling him how you really feel. Or you can take a leap of faith and just show him that you want him.”
“But he was sending this to someone else!”
Ruby shrugged. “So he likes to fuck. Was that really news to you?”
“But -”
“David, please. I know this is hard for you, but you've got to decide if he's worth the effort or not. You can't expect him to just sit around waiting for you to be his Prince Charming and sweep him off his feet. The boy’s gotta eat!” Ruby's trademark wolfish grin spread across her face. “If you play your cards right, he could be eating you.”
David thought about Ruby's words all morning and all afternoon. And the more he thought about it, the more sense they made. Killian wouldn't hold it against him if their chemistry was all in his head and at least he would know once and for all if his romantic fantasies of riding off into the sunset and true love kisses were nothing more than foolish dreams.
Still, it took more than a few fingers of the nice rum he bought specifically because Killian loved it to work up the courage to do anything. He was just tipsy enough to decide that Ruby was right, he should just send Killian his own pic and be done with it. If his best friend never mentioned it, he'd have his answer. Before he could second guess himself he took a pic and with a deep breath, sent it to Killian.
As soon as he sent it, he wished he hadn't. It was a stupid, stupid idea, what was he thinking? He shut down his phone and buried his face in his hands, wondering how he'd ever look Killian in the eye again.
***
Killian had spent all day swinging wildly between a studied nonchalance and deep despair. He felt like he was at war with himself, simultaneously thinking “so what? you've got a great dick, Dave is lucky to have seen it” and “well done for fucking up the best friendship you've ever had”.
He was just deciding that he really should actually feed himself at some point today when his phone beeped with a message from David Nolan. He took a deep breath and opened it.
His jaw dropped.
David had sent him a dick pic in return.
He didn't know what to do with himself. Did this mean that David liked him too? Killian cringed the moment the thought came into his head. He was acting like a teenage girl with his first crush. He was better than that and he could handle this like an adult. He would call David and ask him out.
It went straight to voicemail and his thoughts immediately turned dark. He had to fight hard to not despair. This was a bold gesture. David was likely just unsure of how he would react to it. He needed to do something bold in return.
And that's how he found himself knocking on David's door, with flowers in the crook of his arm and debating on the appropriate opening line. “Looked like you were having a hard time, need a hand?” was too porn movie. “Will you marry me and allow me to make love to you all night long in celebration of the start of our life together?” was too intense. “Wanna fuck?” was far too crass.
The opening door stopped his thoughts dead. “I got your message and I…” words failed Killian. He held out the flowers he'd bought, hoping they'd somehow convey “I'm madly in love with you and desperately need to kiss you right now”. David took the proffered flowers silently, staring at Killian with bemused wonder.
Killian instantly regretted his hasty dash to his beloved David's door. David turned to set the flowers down and Killian felt like a man awaiting the gallows. He scratched at the spot behind his ear - his nervous tell - and waited to hear the verdict.
He was studying his shoes intently when David grabbed him by the lapels and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. He was momentarily stunned, but threw himself into the kiss, revelling in the feel of David's lips, the heat of their bodies pressed together, the love and passion and relief that coursed through him at finally, finally, being exactly where he belonged.
When they parted for breath they stayed close and David's grin of adoration made Killian's heart leap.
Killian felt light and so good that he damn near giggled. It wasn't the time for some grand declaration of love, this was the time for innuendo and fun. “David, you looked like you were having a hard time. I thought you might need your devilishly handsome best friend to lend a hand.”
“Damn right I do,” David growled, dragging Killian to his bedroom, where they stayed all night and most of the next day.
It was definitely the best terrible mistake that Killian had ever made.
