#ccruz

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Eliana Luz. A force of light on gray days. She feels everything at 190%. The smallest joys are met with full belly laughs. The most minor upsets are met with full on sobs. She walks with determination and a swagger beyond her six years. She eats like it's her last meal almost every time. She gives the tightest bear hugs that could tackle you to the ground.

She didn't say anything besides Mom and Pop until she was about three years old. I found her one day, in the corner of the room with a book of animals pointing each one out and trying her damnedest to get the words out. Til this day, the word "elephant" has never been said with such determination as that day, and has never sounded sweeter. She still struggles with saying most words, but is trying so hard every single day. She has taught me that you can say so much and you can say it loudly, with no words at all.

I see you, my big girl. I hear you.

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How sad that when it gets cold, most people forget about the beach. And yet the tides keep pulling in.

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I'm so grateful that I have these small humans in my life. Even though it's not easy, even though the days seem so long, and some days I just don't have it in me to be all that I should, I am so lucky to have this love. And this one here...she will always find me on my bad days and lay her head on my shoulder. The world may think you're so disconnected, but you always seem to know, and always find a way to connect to the very heart of me and mend what needs mending. With a touch, a look, a cuddle. Without a single word, you just seem to know. Thank you for the reminder: that I AM enough, that I AM loved, that I AM needed...that tomorrow is another day.

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Do you ever think about the last couple of years and just...sob uncontrollably?

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Filling all the empty spaces with pointless noise, trying to give it meaning.

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Last week my father-in-law passed away. We've been family for over 15 years and it was very much not expected. But life (and death) doesn't wait for you to be ready for it. He was a big man, in every sense of the word--big personality, big opinions and big ideas. We were very different people and we probably didn't agree on many things but I think we had a somewhat decent rapport--all things considered. I so wish that circumstances in the end were very different. I wish...so many things. Mostly, I hope that he found grace and was at peace in the end. I hope that the people he impacted and left behind are afforded the same grace and peace. As they grow older, I will tell his granddaughters that he was many things in life; but really he was a visionary in many respects. And for all his unfinished endeavors, it was his vision for those around him that spoke to the potential in him.

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It was just two weeks ago that she ran off. Just a moment and she was gone. It has been such a stagnant year and I think she felt it that day in her bones and just needed to run. No shoes, no sense of danger, just ran out into the big wide world.

When the twins were younger, they would see open land and just dart out if you weren't holding their hand. They'd slow down a bit, even look back sometimes and laugh and we'd catch up, hearts beating out of our chests, thanking the heavens that their little legs didn't allow them to outrun us. Did she look back this time? Did she laugh? I thought I knew fear before, but I was so wrong. I couldn't and still can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. What if she's in traffic, what if she has a seizure, what if she goes off with someone, what if she finds water. What if? I've had literal nightmares of all the parental worst-case scenarios before. Things you probably never imagine, but that real-life moment was fear tenfold.

When they said she was found and fine, I didn't breathe a sigh of relief. She was fine, she was safe--but I think I took an extra breath and I still haven't let it out. This was just an hour of our lives and I've never been more scared. But she just wanted to go. Sometimes we all just want to get up and go.

I kept thinking about how she may have tried to get to a playground because she loves to swing and will literally swing for an hour nonstop. So since that day I keep taking her to the swings whenever I can. Trying to show her that soon we'll be getting back to how things used to be. So I'll just keep pushing and watching them swing. I'll keep pushing. It could be a few minutes or literally an hour. Regardless, I'll keep pushing because for about an hour one afternoon, I almost knew what never again felt like.