Lately, youâve been thinking about having a baby.
Or: the fertility clinic au
Part 2
masterlist
You walk around town like itâs written on your forehead that youâre about to let some strange man get you pregnant.
It might as well be a scarlet letter pinned to your breast. A sign taped to the back of your shirt. Kick me. Iâm letting some guy knock me up. Or better yet, Iâm with stupid, with the arrow pointed up at you.Â
Obviously thatâs not true. Youâve done a good job at keeping this under wraps for the most part, not even your closest friends hearing about the man that propositioned you in the fertility clinic waiting room. You might've had half a mind to call one of them about it on the drive home, but by then youâd already filed it away as future gossip material, imagining bringing it up at drinks to the shock and delight of your friends.Â
Then night falls, and you grow weak.
You wake up with post-text message clarity the next morning, but thereâs little you can do to backtrack now. You gave the man your name and number. You spoke to him on the phone about it, albeit briefly. Sure you could call John again and tell him that you thought it over a little more and decided against it, but thenâ
âItâs gonna cost four thousand dollars.â
Your coworker lets out a hissed breath, wincing. âThatâs not cheap.â
Itâs a pea-soupy summer morning, all hot and humid with the sky tinted a yellowish colour from forest fires up in the country, the hazy light seeping in through the windows in the office kitchen. Not a cloud in sight. You wouldn't call it a particularly pleasant morning, with the weather as overcast as your mood, but it could always be worse.
Sheâs the first person outside of a few close friends that youâve told about going to the clinic at all, but she reacts exactly as you thought she would. Itâs both affirming and annoying; itâs not so bad hearing from someone else that four thousand dollars is a bit pricey for a single person, but part of you wishes sheâd try to convince you to go through with it. You need someone to push you in a directionâin any direction.Â
You nod, mouth screwed into a grimace. âAnd thatâs only for a single try. I think she said it would be closer to, like, twelve thousand dollars altogether.âÂ
âSo are you gonna do it? Or are you gonna keep looking around?â
âI have another appointment next week,â you half-answer, getting cagey all of a sudden.Â
The truth is, that appointment isnât the only thing youâve got on the books. Thereâs another dot in your calendar for a few days before, one that seems to glow ominously when you stare at the date as it slowly approaches, lumbering forward one ground-shaking step at a time.Â
You wonder how long you can go without telling anyone. Theoretically, you could keep up this ruse for the rest of your life, pretend you always went through with the treatment. Lie through your teeth when your friends ask you if you know anything about the donor. No, they didnât tell me anything, I just picked a profile with a good medical record and family history.Â
Donât think about how you live in the same city. Donât think about the likelihood of running into him around town with the baby in tow.Â
You shake your head. Those are concerns that you can foist off onto a future version of you. All the current you needs to worry about is making this all a reality.Â
You donât know what to wear out to dinner with him. Itâs both a date and not, more of a prelude to the later events of the night. Part of you wonders if you should just text him your address and tell him to skip the preamble and come on over.Â
The only reason you donât is because a little voice at the back of your mind insists that you at least do your due diligence and screen him a little more over dinner. You can always back out at the last minute if a few too many red flags pop up.Â
(You tell yourself that as if a strange man offering to knock you up within five minutes of meeting werenât a big enough red flag on its own.)
John meets you at the restaurant looking every bit as handsome as the day you met him, once again nearly taking your breath away. A little more buttoned up this time though, actually quite dashing in a proper dress shirt and suit jacket, even his shoes polished.Â
You have a second to think about calling it off. A second to consider turning tail and getting as far away as possible. Maybe, with enough time, you could scrape together the money for IUI. You could wait a year, or take out a loan with your bank, or pray for a decent enough raise to manage it on your own.Â
But then, as the time before, he turns his head and locks eyes with you.Â
It would probably be a good idea to take a picture of him, maybe even a picture of his ID, and send it over to one or two of your friends, on the off chance that he turns out to be a dangerous man, but you donât need to be inundated by a barrage of text messages and phone calls from your friends trying to talk you out of it. Youâve made up your mind.Â
Walnut and burgundy furnishings decorate the large room, and the amber glow of candlelight and antique wall sconces saturates the restaurant in a dark, sensual bloom. A server guides John and you to a table right in the middle of the room, a better table than you mightâve hoped to get on your own. You eye him sideways when he pulls your chair out for you.Â
His demeanour is so relaxed that if you didnât already know the purpose of this dinner, you could be forgiven for assuming that you were out on a real date. John certainly acts the part.Â
âYou know, we didnât have to do this,â you start awkwardly, eyes gliding over the room to look at all the other well-dressed patrons, some presumably out on actual dates.Â
âCall me old-fashioned, but I was taught that dinner comes before the rest of the evening.â
âI just mean you didnât have to. I wouldâve been fine justâŠâ getting right down to business, you leave unsaid, hoping that he doesnât make you spell it out.Â
âWeâre two civilized adults. I thought we might get to know each other first.â
âWell, what do you want to know about me?â
âThis is as much for me as it is for youâdonât you want to know anything about the father of your children?â
You wish heâd keep his voice down. He isnât wrong though; it would be a good idea for you to take his candidature more seriously, actually ask him questions about himself and his parentage. He already emailed you a recent STI panel and bloodwork results, both done through the fertility clinic back when he was still keen on donating, but it wouldnât hurt to learn a little more about him.
âAlright. How old are you?â
âForty-six.â
You nod, pleased with yourself for guessing it right. âWhat do you do for work?â
âJust some work for the government,â he says, brushing the question off. âWhat else?â
That piques your interest though. âOh, come on. What are you, M16 or something?â
âNo, nothing like that,â John laughs, genuinely amused enough for you to believe him.Â
You roll your eyes when he doesnât elaborate any further though. âFine, leave me in the dark. Anything else you want to know about me?â
âWhere are you in your cycle?â he asks, blunt as a hammer.
A classic spit take moment. Itâs a good thing you havenât ordered a drink yet.Â
âI think itâs, uhâŠitâs coming soon actually. Um. Next week or so.â
He chews on that for a second, mulling over the timing. âThatâs fine. We should still be able to make it work.â
There he goes again, making comments that leave you fish-mouthed and stunned, jaw slack with disbelief. Never able to conjure up a good enough retort.Â
When the server comes by to take your drink orders, both of you still deliberating over your food, John orders a beer for himself and a mocktail for you, not even bothering to consult you about it.Â
âNo alcohol,â he reminds you before you have a chance to ask.Â
To be fair, the spicy blackberry-basil concoction that the server comes back with a few minutes later is a refreshing burst of fruit and fresh herbs, but that doesnât excuse the overstep. You ignore it only because you know thereâs no use getting worked up when youâve already made your mind up. Itâs a peccadillo in the grand scheme of things considering what heâs doing for you.Â
Conversation flows surprisingly well over dinner, but at the back of your mind, you canât stop thinking about how at the end of the night, heâs going to take you home and fuck you. It creeps back in whenever you let your guard down for a split second.Â
So, do you have any hobbies? (In three hours, this man is going to strip you naked and have sex with you)
Do you have any siblings? Any twins running in the family? (In two hours, this man is going to climb on top of you and fuck you until he puts a baby in you)
Itâs a lot to keep in your head at the same time.
âHow long have you been thinking about doing this?â John asks apropos of nothing, the earlier thread of your conversation evaporating on the spot. Â
âI mean, Iâve wanted to have kids for a long time, but actually planning to have themâŠmaybe a couple months?â
âWhy now? Why not wait a little longer? Wait for someone to start a family with?â
Youâre not sure why heâd ask you that, why it would matter. Itâs none of his business, quite frankly. You almost want to tell him that, let yourself get righteous, get angry, but you find you canât fully commit to the anger. It wouldnât change anything. You arenât being forced to answer him.Â
âI could ask you the same thing.â
âIâm not much of a family man myself. âLeast not when I was younger, when it counted. Never had the time nor the inclination. Work took me all overâit just wouldnât have been fair if I had a wife or kids waiting around for me. But since it didnât seem like having a family was in the cards for me, I thought it would be a waste of good genetics.â
âOh.â Itâs arrogant, but itâs as good an answer as any.Â
He waits a beat then lifts an eyebrow when you donât reciprocate. âSo? Why didnât you wait?â
âI did try, but there wasnât much out there, and I wanted a baby more than I wanted to be with someone, soâŠâÂ
Leave him to fill in the blanks. He met you at the culmination of that longing after all, even changed the course of it, disrupted your plans to place himself at the centre of them.
At the centre for a time, you remind yourself. Not forever.Â
After that, he keeps the conversation light, only delving into superficial topics to help pass the time. You excuse yourself after finishing your meal to go to the bathroom, and come back to two coffees laid out on the table with sugar and cream in pretty porcelain cups laid out between them. John must have ordered for you again in your absence. Good thing you like coffee.Â
The bill is also there, discretely tucked under Johnâs napkin, and that makes your stomach flip, realizing that only a coffee now sits between you and the end of this night.Â
Then, at a certain point, when all thatâs left in your cup is the dregs, sugar spoon bone dry on your plate, John gives you a look from across the table that says itâs time for you both to go.Â
Well, here we go, you think a little hysterically as you push back your chair to stand, nearly jumping out of your skin when his hand comes down on your back.Â
At your car, you sway back and forth on your heels. âYou can, uhâŠfollow behind me, if that works.â
âWhy donât you give me your address and Iâll meet you there?â
You bite your lip, pretending to deliberate, then acquiesce.Â
Let him think heâs pulling one on you. Youâre bringing him home instead of the other way around because you donât want to have any memory of a manâs bed when you think about your pregnancy journey. If itâs going to be you alone, then it should be about you alone. Your decision to go out and pick a man to father your baby.Â
His participation will be a short blip in your life. A minor footnote. Youâll remember it in bursts throughout the rest of your life: staring at a carton of cream in the dairy aisle of the local grocery store; garden spade buried hilt-deep in a plot of soil, blue bigleaf hydrangea in a pot beside you, sweat dripping down the bow of your lips; your babyâs face, for the rest of your natural life.
In your foyer, his hands glide around your hips, pulling you into his chest, and you realize abruptly that âshortâ might not have been the most accurate interpretation of whatâs about to happen.Â
(Honey, youâve got a storm coming)
âThis off first,â John rasps, pulling the bottom of your shirt up and over your head, blinding you for a split second before he yanks it over your arms.Â
âGetting right to it, huh?â you joke nervously.Â
âThis is what you wanted, isnât it?â he asks, staring down at you assessingly, as if staring into your soul. That cuts the humour from the moment. Vacuums it from the room, leaving behind only the crackling, blistering heat of his gaze and his intentions.Â
âYes,â you whisper. Neither of you mention the tremble in your voice and how unsure you sound.Â
It doesnât stop him from undressing you though. Bra pulled down under your breasts, pushing your tits up into his face like an invitation, one he accepts without question, pulling your nipples into his mouth one by one, hands on your hips to hold you in place when you try to squirm away. Not that itâs badâitâs amazingly good after all, toe-curlingly good to have a man run his tongue over your areolas and suck each sensitive nipple to a stiff peak, until youâre on the verge of comingâbut itâs a lot, a lot that you have to wrap your head around, your bra pinched off shortly after that and underwear next. Â
Your touch is hesitant at first, fingers barely gliding down his arms and fisting in the fabric of his shirt to jerk it up, but he makes it easy for you to get lost in it, your nerves fizzling out in the heat and fervor. Â
You donât even notice that John has walked you backwards into the bedroom until he pushes you down onto the bed, the mattress bouncing under you. âOne second, loveâneed to get all of this off myself.â
You watch transfixed as the suit jacket comes off first, shrugged off and discarded. He undoes only a few buttons before wrenching it over his head, eyes on you the whole time, his stare never breaking. Scalding hot.Â
Thatâs how you know that despite all his lofty words, this isnât some favour heâs doing you. He wants this just as badlyâwants it with a vigour that you donât even know if youâll be able to handle, aware that you are just flesh and blood. Thereâs a prickle at the back of your mind, a whisper reminding you that nobody knows that heâs here, that heâs a hot-blooded man about to slake his lust with your body.Â
Then he slides the elastic waistband of his boxers down his thighs and your mind goes blank when you see the flushed, heavy shaft droop between his legs.Â
The two of you work together to shove a pillow under your hips, John fetching it from the top of the bed and you lifting your hips to give him easier access. You donât have to ask why.Â
Nestled between your thighs, John looks up at you with heavy-lidded eyes and says, âLetâs get you all softened up to start, alright, love?âÂ
The first touch of his lips to your sex sends a lightning bolt up your spine, and then itâs practically an open mouth kiss. Tongue running up the seam of your lips, pushing into the clenched hole at the centre, the bristles of his beard scraping up the insides of your thighs and the thin skin of your labia.Â
Itâs good, but itâs taking too long and your heart is a rabbiting mess and you can barely think or see straight, so you tangle your fingers in his hair and try to push his head away. âThatâs okay, John, I just wannaâoh fuck, can you please just put it in?â
âNo, baby, itâs good if you come first,â he murmurs. âHelps it take.â
That floods your system with a frenetic, crazed exhilaration. Baby fever bubbling and boiling, frothing spilling over the top like a pot left on the stovetop for too long.Â
You gasp when he tucks a couple fingers into your hole to stretch you out, a perfunctory, almost clinical motion. Just enough to loosen you up for him, unmindful of the way you squirm and whine, rolling your hips to get him to go faster. He does not.Â
It doesnât take much effort on his part after that to get you to come, too worked up and wound up, core squeezing his fingers like a vice until he gives your clit a suck and you squeal, oh, too much, breath ripping through your chest.
Theyâre wet when he pulls them out, and he dries them off by rubbing them on your belly.Â
The shadow of his body draws over yours as he climbs on top of you. Itâs as physical as it is visual though, Johnâs hands always on some part of your body, dragging up your legs and over your arms, fingers spreading over your belly before he runs a hand up between your breasts and over your throat, lingering there just long enough to close around your throat and hold for a second, then skating up to cup your jaw.Â
And then heâs all big body on top of you, coaxing your legs around his hips, one hand squishing your cheeks when he bends down to kiss you. You can taste yourself on his lips, the tongue pushing into your mouth musky with the flavour of your cum. Youâd protest if you could, but you canât, his mouth slanted over yours and demanding.Â
âCâmere,â he mumbles against your lips when he draws you in for another kiss, sawing his cock up and down between your folds, coating his length with your juices, until itâs there suddenly, breaching you.Â
You have to grab him, loop your arms around his shoulders and squeeze to ground yourself. Itâs a lot to take in. Heâs a lot to take in.Â
âI know, love, I know,â John murmurs soothingly. âDeep breaths, okay?â
You listen to him, letting a shaky breath out. It helps you relax. Barely, but enough to ease the strain a bit.Â
He nuzzles his nose into your temple, his breath fanning out against your ear. âA little more, love, alright? You gonna be brave for me?â
âOhâjust get on with it,â you gasp when he eases in another inch, and John laughs in your ear.Â
It feels genuinely romantic like this. Your arms wrapped around his neck and his hips slowly rocking into you, whispering sweet nothings like, there we go, youâve got it, that feel good, love? When he fits his hand around the back of your neck and lifts your head up for a kiss, you swear you see stars.Â
The kiss is too much. Too intimate. You wish you wouldâve set that boundary ahead of time. It feels pointless now, trapped under the heavy weight of his body and impaled on his member, sucked into it, lips slotting and melting over each other, his tongue running over yours. Heâs a good kisser at least, practiced from a lifetime of it. No awkward schoolboy tonguing.Â
Too good. You wonder distantly how many other women heâs slept with (probably more than you have any business knowing). If heâs ever gotten anyone else pregnant. Your nails dig into his back instinctively at the thought and he gasps a wet and guttural sound, hips bucking harder.Â
He gets rough enough to loosen a bolt of fear in your chest. All of a sudden, it becomes bright and clear in your mind. Thereâs a grunting, sweating man over you, all two hundred plus pounds of him laid out on top of you, with no protection between you. Raw cock plunging into your pussy. You can barely get a full breath in.Â
âFuck, Iâm close,â John grunts, and your eyes flick down instinctively, trying to see past the dense mass of hair on his chest towards the length of his cock sliding into you. Heâs pressed too close though. When he catches you looking away from him, he clamps his hand around your face again, forcing your gaze back up. âNo, none of that. Eyes on me.â
You think you must gasp. Some horrified sound must escape you because you can feel the aftereffect of it, the big hollow where it used to be.Â
His other arm wedges under your back to pull you closer to him, thighs spreading to brace his weight against the mattress before driving into you harder, deeper, the big, concentrated energy of him inescapable.
You can sense it the second before heâs about to come, his eyebrows digging in and his jaw going tight, the vein in his forehead prominent.Â
âChrist, youâre gonna take it, arenât you?â he snarls. âAll this fucking cum.âÂ
On the next stroke in, you dig an ankle into the muscle of his ass and squeeze your inner muscles around his length, grinning hazily to yourself when that makes him shout.Â
And then, oh, he surges in and you feel it, hear it, sense it all around you, his fingers from the hand wedged under your back digging hard into the side of your breast. Hips forcefully pumping into you and pushing his cum in deep, your own orgasm lost somewhere in there, a small, forgettable part of it all.Â
Eventually, he stops moving over you, letting his cock slip out of you on the next stroke out. You hiss when he does, clenching up involuntarily. With nothing plugging it inside though, his cum leaks out, dripping down the crack of your ass and onto the pillow under your hips.Â
Johnâs hot breath fans over your face as he pants, slowly winding down as well, the red flush in his cheeks still stark, though gradually fading. Itâs only in the cooldown that you realize how claustrophobic it is being trapped under him, the sheer weight and heat of his body flush with yours becoming more and more uncomfortable, almost unbearably so.Â
When he slumps off to one side, you can finally breathe again, the air rushing into your lungs. Thereâs sweat in your skin and tears in the corners of your eyes, everything tacky and humid, the frantic beat of your heart only beginning to slow down. The stiffness in your shoulders only dawns on you after a few minutes like that, and you push yourself up onto your elbows just to try to work some of it out.Â
âNo, donât get up, love. Weâre just gonna lie here for a bit,â he instructs, pushing your shoulder back down. âBetter chance of my boys getting the job done if we keep it all in you.â
Of course he just wants to make sure that it takes. That way, you donât have to do this again. âOh yeah. I, uh, I didnât think about that.â
He doesnât just mean lie there, of course, though your body would like nothing more than to sink into the plush embrace of sleep. Instead he means keeping your hips propped up on the pillow now saturated with cum, and curling you into his side, separating your thighs again to palm your cunt, sliding his fingers through the wet.Â
Itâs a goopy, sticky mess that John plunges his fingers into, pushing it back up inside of you and shushing you when you whimper, a little gaped from his cock but sore to the touch.Â
For much longer than you anticipated, he lies there on his side beside you and keeps two fingers pushed up inside you, blocking any cum from leaking out.Â
âHow long do we have to do this for?â you ask, voice all high and tight in your throat.Â
John hums, unconcerned. âTen, fifteen minutes.â
True to his word, he keeps you there for the full fifteen minutes. Only the sound of your breathing fills the room, quiet otherwise aside from the enormously large weight of his presence, too familiar now with the private corners of your world.Â
He doesnât warn you before idly circling your clit with thumb. You jerk, nearly biting through your lip. âJohn!â
âRelax, honey, Iâm just making you come again.â
âI know that, Johnâah, ah, ahââ
A leg hooks over yours, his thigh heavy enough to keep you pinned without even much strength behind it. His fingers donât so much as twitch inside of you, buried to the fattest knuckle while his thumb circles the tight bud of your clit over and over again until youâ
You havenât finished the thought by the time he draws his fingers out, pearlescent strings of cum webbed between them. He hums approvingly when he sees that, pulling your thighs further apart to admire his work. âGorgeous. That ought to do it for now.â
Your heart skips a beat and you stare up at him, exhausted, the sweat on the back of your neck now cold.Â
Lately, youâve been thinking about having a baby.
Or: the fertility clinic au
Part 1
masterlist
It must be the mother of all quarter-life crises for you to be as torn up about this as you are.Â
(âMother of allââwhat an apt phrase for a time like this.)
Two of your friends have babies and suddenly itâs all you can think about. Chubby cheeks and wrinkly fingers; diaper bags stuffed to the brim and shrill baby screams piercing through the house.
You try to help them out as best you can in those first few months, coming over with dinner wrapped in foil and snacks in Tupperware for the exhausted parents, offering to help run errands or tidy up the place while they try to catch up on sleep. The picture perfect friend.
You never thought itâd hit you like this until it does. Baby fever Ă la max. Even the word âfeverâ undersells itâthe feeling that overtakes you is like a blazing inferno, burning away every other want or desire apart from the one currently tearing you asunder.Â
Itâs all you can think about from that point on. Babies, babies, babies. The milky smell of their heads, the flexible cartilage of their noses, their pudgy, wrinkly yawns and soft sighs. You make excuses to visit, offering to babysit whenever they look like they could use a night out, your agenda so transparent that anyone with eyes could see it.Â
All you can think when you look at them is that your life has been looking a lot like a house of cards these days: all style and no substance.Â
They get in your head, alright. That ominous they; not a specific person or group, just a nebulous, widespread opinion permeating far too many corners of your world. All that fearmongering about babymaking windows and that talk of rapidly vanishing fecundityâyour eyes nearly bulge out of your head when you come across a TikTok of a thirty-six year old calling her eggs geriatricâand by the end of it, you swear you can hear your biological clock booming between your ears, one swinging gong after another.Â
Youâre able to keep the beast at bay for a bit by tricking yourself into thinking that itâs just in your head. Just one of those things. Youâre getting olderâof course at some point youâd start to worry about the things you never got a chance to do. FOMO. Regrets blooming into full-blown crises. Itâs only natural that it would start to get to you eventually.Â
Trying to convince yourself of that is not enough to shake the damn urgency from your blood though. Youâre like a dog with a bone, too many late nights spent scrolling through parenting forums and conception tips, neither of which are of much use to you as a childless, partnerless person not currently trying for a baby. What does it matter to you if smoking reduces your chances of getting pregnant by forty percent? You donât even smoke.Â
You might actually want to have a baby though. Mindblowing after all this time, to think that maybe it wasnât just a fleeting fancy.Â
Mindblowing, then abruptly terrifying.Â
Your present situation is a bit dire. Itâs been several years since you last had a partner, none you ever wouldâve ever considered having a baby with. Absurdâworse than absurd even. And despite everything, despite the self-imposed countdown ticking away in your head and the stress causing your spine to curl in a half-inch more every single day, you are, thankfully, not desperate enough to reach out to any of them.Â
So you try. For a short period of time, you make a real, concerted effort to find a partner, going on three dates in a week, each more appalling than the last. Itâs the last one that breaks you, your date not only unbearably dismissive to the waitstaff but also entirely uninterested in discussing anything about your life, completely preoccupied with recounting the minutiae of his own life story.Â
A swing and a miss. You made an effort at least, put yourself out there. Tried to do things the old-fashioned way.Â
Itâs the twenty-first century though, for goodnessâ sakes; there are more ways to start a family than just the tried-and-true method.Â
And thatâs how you wind up here, at a fertility clinic on a Tuesday afternoon, PTO plugged into your work calendar with a secretive little âAppointmentâ reason left for being out of office. Itâs no office-busybodyâs business though. They donât need to know about the increasingly debilitating need to have a baby thatâs been overtaking you these past few months.Â
It would clear a lot of things up, but it still isnât anyoneâs business.
The waiting room is a simple, unadorned roost of a room, the walls lined with plastic eggshell-like chairs for all the eggs soon to be hatched. An oddly sterile space for the purpose it serves. It would be a little uncomfortable if it werenât like every other waiting room in existence, minus any snivelling sick people.
There are other people besides you. Or rather, there were people. People that have already come and gone, not quite so anxious as to turn up an hour early for their two oâclock appointment, their stomachs grumbling from skipping lunch.Â
And so after the third couple goes in for their appointment with the specialist, youâre left on your own for a bit until a new person walks in.Â
A man this time, all by his lonesome.Â
And boy is he a specimen so fine that you canât help but hope that heâs come to make a deposit. If they let you pick your donor based on build and gait alone, you think youâd have your man right here. You can barely drag your eyes away from him, glued to the rounded muscle of his back, gliding over the curve of his shoulders and up the thick of his neck.
After a brief conversation with the receptionist to check in, he drums his fingers across the counter and takes a seat on one of the little egg chairs along the wall facing yours.Â
Where he then proceeds to lift his head and lock eyes with you.Â
In retrospect, you wish you could describe it as a magical moment, but in reality, you just freeze in place, embarrassed at being caught staring. Heâs a decently handsome enough man to be good fodder for any later self-care. Square-jawed and bearded.
Good hairline for his age, which you donât want to take a crack at guessing, but if you had to, it would have to be somewhere around his mid-forties. Maybe late. But it touches him in just the right way, evident in the lines on his forehead and the pull of the skin around his eyes, his beard just ever so slightly flecked with the barest hints of grey.Â
The writing on the threadbare shirt he has on, almost hidden beneath the plaid shirt layered over it, is barely legible after countless washes. You can almost see straight through it. If you pinched the fabric between your fingers, you think your nails would poke right through. You could rip it right off him, get a better look at the dense pecs that you can just barely make out through his shirt.
You swallow, that thought catching you off guard.Â
Despite your own embarrassment, his gaze holds steady. Some people arenât born with shame as a built-in foghorn. Some people look out into the world and genuinely believe it is theirs to conquer, raised on a diet of self-confidence and boldness, free-range audacity.Â
Heâs bold enough, in fact, to rise to his feet and cross to the other side of the waiting room, taking a seat right beside you. He sits down beside you like you're old friends, like there's nothing strange about a man sitting beside a veritable stranger in a completely empty room.
Itâs such a bold move that you donât even know what to say at first, head turned towards him in the chair next to you now with some dumb expression on your face, gobsmacked.
âCan I help you?â you hear yourself ask, years of socialization coming to the rescue. Thank god the gears start turning in your head after that brief second of bewilderment.Â
âNot at all.â And what a voice too, as if his looks werenât enough. All unintentional deep-chested purr, leonine English rumbling out of the depths of him, Northern accent to top it off. âJust thought I might introduce myself. Be polite, seeing as how weâre both here for the same reason.â
Unless he ran ahead of a wife still on her way up the elevator, you donât think thatâs the case. You glance around him just to double check the door. âAre we?â
âMaybe a pick-up instead of a drop-off in your case,â he concedes, a droll little note curled up in his voice. âBut thatâs not so different when the end resultâs the same.â
You swallow and force an awkward smile, ignoring the way your heart speeds up. âYeah, I guess so. Anyway, nice to meet you, um, circumstances aside.â You hold out a hand, which he doesnât hesitate to take.
âNothing wrong with the circumstances, but pleasure to meet you too, love.â
His palm feels huge around yours, a warm, firm grip that only yields a few moments later when you have to make an effort to pull your hand away, holding on for the fleetingest of seconds, long enough for a spark of anxiety to shoot through your chest.Â
You hope thatâs the end of it when he finally lets go of your hand. Not because you donât want to chat up an incredibly attractive stranger, but because you couldnât imagine the timing being worse.Â
He, however, seems to have no qualms with carrying on. âHas it taken yet or are you shopping for donors today?â
Itâs a horribly invasive question, but you answer it anyway, all buttoned-up and ginger. âUm. No, Iâm just here for a consultation. Thereâll probably be a lot of paperwork before, umâŠbefore we get started.â
âA lot of nonsense for something I reckon we could get done a lot easier together.â
It doesnât register until it does. Then you just have to look at him and blink, confused.Â
âExcuse me?â you ask.Â
He cocks an eyebrow. âI havenât got this wrong, have I? You said youâre here for a baby?â
âUh, yes, thatâsâthatâs what I just said.â
âAnd Iâm here to help someone like you have a baby. Seems like weâd be making both of our lives easier if we just skipped all the red tape and saved you the expense.â
ââSave me the expenseâ?â you repeat, stunned.Â
âWonât cost anything the natural way.â
You know what heâs insinuating, but you canât believe it. You actually canât believe that this manâa stranger, handsome as he might be, good-looking as he might be, husband-envy-inspiring as he might beâwould openly proposition you in the waiting room of a fertility clinic. Offer to get you pregnant âthe natural wayâ, as if it were a cold drink on a hot day. A side of fries with your order.Â
âIâIâm sorry, but thatâs incredibly inappropriate,â you eventually wheeze out.Â
That gets a laugh out of him, one of those amused huffs that erupts out of him like a bear flicking a bee off its snout. âCanât be cagey about this sort of thing, love. You have to be direct when you want to get things done.â
âYou do know weâre in public, right?â
âIâd be happy to take this somewhere private.â
The heat under your cheeks might actually result in a physical burn. âIâŠthink Iâm going to find somewhere else to sit.â
âAh, donât worry about that, love, Iâm gonna head out anyway.â A satisfied smile tugs at his mouth. âI think I got what I actually came for.â
Your frown deepens. âYou havenât even been called in yet.â
âNot what I meant.â
Before you can ask what he means, he shifts in his seat, leaning closer to you for just a second, but long enough for your heart to suddenly go wild and your pupils to go big as dinner plates.Â
âHere,â he grunts, lifting a hip to pull his wallet out of his back pocket, flicking it open and plucking out a business card. He flips your hand over and puts it down on your palm. âThatâs my number. When youâre done here, give me a call. Iâm sure we can come up with something better than this.â
He taps the card in your hand with a finger. It ricochets through you, the tap rippling up your arm and chest, nearly rocking you back in your seat. Everything he does must be punctuated with the same echoing weight.Â
He nods to you on his way out, a secretive smile on his lips, just the barest hint of a lift that you mightâve missed had you not been staring at his face. All you can do is stare though, still absolutely floored, practically speechless as you watch him leave.Â
And then youâre alone again, in an entirely different headspace than when you first sat down.Â
âJohn Price?â the receptionist calls out from behind the desk suddenly, but with the man gone, thereâs no one else in the waiting room apart from you. âMr. John Price?â
You blink, stun-locked. You canât have been the reason he decided to back out of his appointment at the last minute. He mustâve decided to bail at the last minute before throwing a Hail Mary in an attempt to get laid.Â
That has to be it. He wouldnât leave because of a brief interaction with you.Â
The waiting room feels a lot emptier without him now that heâs gone, as if by being made aware of his presence, everything has been indelibly altered. Changed. Slightly less interesting somehow.
You hover somewhere between bewilderment and affront until a flicker of giddiness steals in. Tamp that back down. He's gone, and with him the impossible audacity of what just came out of his mouth. You stare at the door that he just disappeared through, lips parting around a reply you'll never get to deliver, then let out a sharp, disbelieving scoff. The gall.Â
And yet, despite yourself, you can't quite smother the giddiness bubbling low in the pit of your stomach. Your fingers curl around the business card in your hand.Â
Eventually itâs your turn. You almost miss the sound of your own name until a lady in purple scrubs repeats it, sending you shooting to your feet. You follow her as she leads you down a hall and towards an open office just as clean and spartan as the waiting room. All there is in her office is a desk, a bookshelf, and a mobile ultrasound machine. Practically empty for all intents and purposes.
Ok lady, you think, sitting down across from her, whatâs it gonna take to put a baby in me?
âFour thousand dollars,â she says matter-of-factly, the earlier part of your conversation long forgotten after hearing the price.Â
That just about knocks all the wind out of you. âOh,â you bleat, the prospect of ever getting pregnant suddenly a sad and distant dream.
âPer cycle,â she further clarifies, much to your dismay, sliding a couple pamphlets your way. âWeâre always hopeful that itâll take on the first cycle, but we typically see about three to four cycles of IUI before conception occurs.âÂ
IUIâintrauterine insemination. The sperm they have to shove up inside you to try and knock you up. At four thousand dollars a pop.Â
âThereâs noâŠfirst time discount?â
âExcuse me?â
âLike the, umâŠlike the home buyerâs loan.â
She seems vaguely apologetic when she shakes her head at least, though that doesnât really ease the sting. âNo, unfortunately. Most of our customers are first time parents, soââ
It wouldnât make much business sense. âYeah, no, I get it.â
You do your best to pay attention to the rest of the conversation and ask the right questions, but the sticker shock makes it hard to focus. At some point, the consultation must end because she sends you off with a folder full of pamphlets and QR codes to scan, and a follow-up appointment booked two weeks out for a blood test and a pelvic ultrasound.
No music on the drive home, just silence to let the events of the day marinate.Â
You know itâs likely just this clinic. Itâs not like there arenât other, probably cheaper clinics. But itâs the principle of the matter, the one factor that you hadnât considered in this whole endeavourâyouâd assumed, obviously, that raising a child in and of itself wouldnât be cheap, but you hadn't even contemplated that the run-up to actually getting pregnant might be so cost prohibitive.Â
If you even get pregnant. You exhale in a rush, the thought hitting you like a sledgehammer. God, you might not even get pregnant. You might go through the whole treatment, waste thousands of dollars, and go half-crazy begging the universe to let you get knocked up, and it might not even take.Â
Dinner is a glass of white wine and burrito straight from the freezer, in no mood to cook or clean even a single dish. You should be cutting down on your alcohol consumption in anticipation of fertility treatments, but thatâll be a task for a later, less devastated you. Youâll rinse the hot sauce off your plate when youâre done eating and leave it in the sink for tomorrow morning.Â
Itâs not how you wanted the day to end. You were hoping to come home invigorated and inspired, already prepping for the next steps in the process. Instead it feels like youâve taken a massive step back.Â
Occasionally you like to look up flights to other countries just to imagine what it might be like to get away from your life for a bit, but the ticket price always brings you back down to reality.Â
This isnât like that though; this isnât some temporary flight of fancy or some pie in the sky that youâll spend decades chasing down in your dreams, hoping for just a single bite or even just a whiff. This is something you actually, genuinely want. A baby. Something you can take with you into the future, something you can build your life around.
Thereâs got to be another way.Â
Itâs a physical weight in your front pocket. You can feel it now, burning a hole in your hip. When you pull it out, the name John Price is printed on the card in a crisp, typewriter font, his phone number and occupation printed in the same sized font just beneath it.Â
You stare at the card long enough for your eyes to go dry. Blink. Breathe out, reluctance giving way to acceptance, as tentative as it might be. It certainly wouldnât be the strangest thing to ever happen. A fun night with a good-looking man, with the added benefit of getting a baby out of it, no strings attached. Not the most irresponsible decision anyone has ever made. Some people join the army, after all.Â
A shiver runs up your spine when you remember the way he worded it though. Sweat on your upper lip that you have to lick off, the salt sinking into the ridges of your tongue. You donât think he meant turkey basters and plastic cups by getting it done âthe natural wayâ. You saw the way he looked at you. Â
You could do it for a baby. Let himâand here, you have to squeeze your eyes shut and cover them with your fistsâlet him do what he has to do to get you pregnant. Cut out the middle man and just let him fit the heavy weight of his body over yours and pry your legs apart to let him sink between yourâ
It always hurts in that big, bright way, like a thousand sticks of dynamite blowing a tunnel open through a mountain, giving you a way to pass to the other side. Like whispering the same wish over and over again until your lips go numb and your voice goes hoarse, your plea still unheard after all these years.
Perhaps it would hurt less to desire if you could fill that hole every once in a while. If you could wet your tongue with the taste of satisfaction, of a want fulfilled, of the opportunity to say to someone, âOh, look what I gotâ or âLook at what all my work has amounted to.â
Thatâs never been the case though, has it? Never been lucky enough for a wish to come true. You work like a dog for the barest scraps of what you know youâre worth (what you know and what every day seems less and less true).
Vacations that you never had enough money to take, jobs that never came to fruition, mistakes that couldnât be undone, memories that you could never remake, friendships that grew apart or that never materialized altogether.Â
Itâs not all doom and gloom. You have a good job and a decent network of friends and acquaintances, parties you attend on occasion and warm nights at home curled up in bed. You have a roof over your head. There's more than enough in your life to be grateful for.
But the wanting never goes away. That, you have in spades. That, you have in heaps and bounds. That multiplies itself tenfold.Â
And it happens that way with your heart too.
Thereâs a coffee shop down the street from your office with a decent amount of seating and an app to order your drink ahead of time, and every day at around two, you order your coffee ahead of time and walk over to pick it up, rain or shine.Â
The same chairs are always filled by the same people. Plenty of them youâve even grown to recognize over timeâstudents bent over thick textbooks, elderly men creasing newspapers in ink-stained hands, and laptop screens glowing with blank Word documents, scarcely a sentence added in the time it took to order and finish their coffee.
You recognize most of the takeaway regulars as well.
Theyâre harder to remember at first. Quick to come and quick to go. Hard to commit their faces to memory. But some give you no choiceâsome boisterously loud or ostentatious in dress, eye-catching enough to hook you like a fish, drag your attention down river with them.Â
Then, to him.Â
He, like you, comes in every day around two for his afternoon coffee. He, unlike you, comes striding in full-chested, confidence nipping at his heels, no world-weariness weighing him down.Â
Hard not to notice him. Of course you notice him. He takes up space like a living sun, all bright smiles and radiant energy, handsome in the way that, when men are, they draw people in like moths. You feel no better than a moth sometimes, particularly in his presence.Â
Tea-coloured eyes. What you notice at first is that thereâs a beautiful man waiting for his coffee next to you, a tall man with the sculpted physique of an athlete, all long limbs and broad shoulders tapering into a lean frame, and what you notice next are those tea-coloured eyes, honeying under the sun.Â
You stare so long that you only realize how dry your eyes have gone when the door swings shut behind him.Â
Itâs no wonder then, that you latch onto his presence like so, a little flutter in your chest on your way to the coffee shop every time after that first time, hoping that youâll cross paths again.Â
And you do. Cross paths again, that is. Only a few times those first couple of weeks, and then seemingly all the time, the two of you always in at the same time.Â
That isnât unusual. There are plenty of other familiar faces picking up their afternoon coffees at the same time as you, people that you recognize at the mobile ordering station and laptop stickers that youâve come to memorize, the same people sitting at the same seats. People like routine; youâre no different. Neither is he.Â
It comes over you like an ague, a desperate, eager thing, quiet enough at first when youâve only seen him in bits and pieces, not studied him at length yet, but itâ
It grows.
It grows like a vine in your chest, weaving around your heart and squeezing until you can feel it with every beat.Â
You donât entirely blame yourself. How could you? You swear youâve never seen anyone even half as good-looking as himâbroad-shouldered and lean, perfect smile, perfect teeth. Haircut always fresh, his edges neat. He squints with the force of his smile, always effusive with his gratitude and praise, so earnest in his kindness that it makes your teeth ache.Â
Heâs objectively a handsome man. Perhaps the handsomest man youâve ever seen. What else could you do but go a bit crazy?Â
You donât know what to do with yourself when he doesnât show up at the same time as you. Your schedules are so in sync that youâve grown to expect him, fattened and spoiled by the timeliness of his presence. But he doesnât owe it to you to show up, and there are days when he doesnât, held up for some reason, or maybe simply not in the mood for a coffee.
You practically drag your feet on the walk back to the office, a sorry sight. Pathetically despondent. You hardly know what to do with yourself the rest of the afternoon, oscillating between dejection and self-reproach. Itâs pathetic that the mere absence of your crush would reduce you to such a state, hardly able to concentrate on your work because the stranger that youâve become infatuated with wasnât at the coffee shop where you see him for a total of twenty seconds every other day.Â
Forgive yourself though. Nothing youâve ever wanted has come without pain.
What you donât expect is for him to finally notice you.Â
It happens on a day when you cross paths rather than arriving at the same time, him leaving the coffee shop as youâre about to enter. Your heart skips a beat when you look up and see him staring down at you, both of you taken by surprise when you go to pull the door open and heâs already pushing on the other side.Â
âTraffic jam,â he laughs when you both lean left and then right at the same time, trying to let the other go around. âHere, Iâve got you.â
He extends an arm to hold the door wide open and angles his body to let you pass through. You thank him as you pass, your heart pounding against your ribs. His gaze follows you as you step inside, and you nearly jump when his voice calls a farewell after you, leaving through the same door.
You stand near the doorway for far too long, other customers coming in and going around you, cutting you annoyed looks on their way to the cash. Your drink must already be waiting for you on the counter and still you canât move. It takes someone actually stumbling into you to jolt you back into the present.Â
That wasnât part of the plan. Itâs thrilling, initially, a rush so overwhelming, so kaleidoscopic, that you ride it all the way back to the office and all the way home, replaying the memory again and again in your head until even you start to tire of belabouring it.Â
And still you roll around in bed that night thinking about it, heart racing even hours after your short little conversation, picturing it over again in your mindâthe crinkle of the corners of his eyes, the smile nearly pulling across his face, all white teeth and soft, supple lips.Â
The only problem isâ
Now he knows who you are.
You donât expect him to remember you after such a quick encounter. Heâs not the one thatâs been pining these past few weeks. Heâs not the one thatâs been beating himself up for crushing on a stranger.Â
But he does remember you. And not only does he remember you, but he looks for you the next time heâs in.Â
Itâs one of those days when you get there first, coffee already ordered and paid for by the time he walks in, in dark trousers and a quarter-zip today, and filling them both out nicely, the sweater clinging to the muscles of his arms. You expect him to head straight for the cash like he normally does, blessedly and lamentably unaware of your presence.
His gaze immobilizes you, stronger than any paralytic. Itâs what holds you in place as he approaches, the distance between you halved in an instant, and then fully collapsed, the gorgeous man in front of you doing what Zenoâs Achilles never could.Â
âHey stranger, no dance today, huh?â he asks, clearly addressing you. Â
You donât know what to say. This is your worst case scenario, your category five emergency. In the weeks youâve spent crushing on him from afar, you hadnât considered the possibility of him ever noticing you in return.Â
âSorry?â you croak.
He gestures with his thumb towards the door. âFrom the other day, remember?â
You donât know how youâll make it through this interaction without making a fool of yourself. âRight. Haha. I guess the dance floorâs closed today.â
You could throw up on the spot. Of all the abysmal conversation rejoinders there have ever been in the history of humanity, the one you just offered must rank comfortably near the top.
For whatever reason though, whether divine intervention or something more dastardly, he chuckles, amused. He seems to like talking to you. Seems to like you even. That only becomes clearer when he approaches you the next day, and then the day after that, and then every day when you stop by at two p.m. for your afternoon coffee, your coffees now handed out together by the barista, as if you had ordered them that way.Â
The small talk alone almost makes you consider switching to a different coffee shop. Itâs too much pressure. You feel sick with anxiety at the thought of him figuring you out.Â
And he will figure you out. You havenât exactly played it subtle.Â
Then he gets your number. Somehow. And your name too, pried so easily from you that you donât even notice, like freeing a pearl from a clam; barely a flick of his wrist and you offer it up without a second thought, embarrassingly malleable.Â
You get his too. Kyle Garrick. He spells it for you as he watches you save his number into your phone from over your shoulder, so close to you that your fingers fumble with the keypad, mistyping it almost four times before getting it right. Â
Kyle doesnât seem to care that you can barely seem to string together a sentence in front of him. If anything, it seems to endear him to you. Â
His attraction makes itself apparent in tender words and a new penchant for touch, a hand always reaching out for you.Â
At first, itâs nothing more than the casual brush of his fingers against yours as he picks up your coffee from the bar and passes it to you, no different than a handshake or a high five. Ostensibly perfunctory. But that too changes over time. A fleeting touch becomes a hand at the small of your back as he guides you to a table for a quick chat before heading back to work, fingers squeezing your shoulder when he laughs at a joke you didnât realize you made, and quick hugs that grow a little longer each time.
Maybe. Or maybe youâre imagining it.Â
âSo when are you gonna let me take you out for real?âÂ
That snaps you out of the daydream, reality crashing down with such force that it leaves your ears ringing. His words leave you dumbfounded, gaping up at him in that stupid way that you canât seem to suppress.Â
âFor real?â you repeat.
âOn a date,â Kyle clarifies, as if the word alone werenât enough to wreck you.Â
âOh.âÂ
You tell him yes because the word no evaporates from your vocabulary. By the time it returns, heâs already gone, disappearing into the world (likely an office building around the corner from yours, but it might as well be Timbuktu).Â
This isnât what was supposed to happen. You were supposed to pine in agony until you died.Â
Itâs everything you ever wanted, and yet, you couldnât want it less in the moment, terrified for some reason that you canât quite articulate. You count down the days with growing apprehension, jitters giving way to a full-body sweat.Â
Youâll break it off at a later date. That thought comforts you to a point. At some point, there will be a moment for you to bail entirely.Â
The problem is the longer you say nothing, the harder it is to say anything at all. Already guilt stays your tongue when all you want to do is tell him that you canât do this anymore. You need to leaveâgo anywhere else, run home and lock the door behind you, never go back to the coffee shop again.
But thereâs a text in your phone telling you the time and place, and every time you look at it, it leaves you feeling off-kilter. Sea legs without leaving dry land.Â
What is it about you that you feel the need to run as soon as you get too close? What about this isnât what you want? Do you even know what you want?
Of course you know what you want. You want love and affection.Â
But having is not wanting. Wanting is safe. Itâs the having thatâs dangerous.Â
You contemplate cancelling on him about a dozen times until suddenly itâs too late, the man in question standing in the lobby of your building to pick you up. He must know someone in the building because heâs deep in conversation when you spot him, his head turning to meet yours at the same time, as if even in conversation, he wouldnât allow himself to be distracted enough to miss you. Your heart squeezes when he wraps it up in the same breath, crossing the lobby to meet you.Â
Dinner is a restaurant in a different part of town, one youâve seldom spent time in before, trendy in the way that would unnerve you were it not for the abrupt realization that to everyone else, this is simply a familiar part of town.Â
To some, the restaurant must be familiar as well. There might even be regulars. To you however, the small, dimly lit room with the booths on one side and the chairs lining the bar at the other, an eclectic assortment of framed photos and decorative porcelain plates on the wall beside you, is lovely, uncharted territory.Â
Over dinner, Kyle peppers you with question after question until your head spins, each answer that leaves your lips betraying some nervous tendency towards clandestinity. You have to keep some things to yourself. You have to keep some things private.
You have to shut your mouth before youâ
âA long time,â you reply without thinking, the whole world blowing open when you admit it. You hadn't even consciously registered the question before answering. When was your last date?Â
Kyle doesnât seem phased by it though, warm smile somehow warmer than the blood boiling under your skin. âI must be one lucky man then.â
He sweet talks you into agreeing to a drink after dinner, probably sensing the nervous animal in you, the fear about to take flight.Â
You assume he means a drink at a bar until youâre standing in the kitchen of your apartment, Kyle standing behind the island with a bottle of wine in one hand, uncorking it with practiced ease. When it pops out, you flinch.Â
What a strange thing, to lose time like that. You lose it again after he pours you both a glass, coming to on the couch with his arm around your shoulders, pinned between him and the side of the couch.Â
He turned the television on, you notice distantly, staring at it through your glass, red wine sloshing from side to side. Itâs not a program either of you would care to pay much attention to, possibly by design.Â
âDo you have, umâŠany plans tomorrow?â you ask, swallowing when he drags his fingers over the bare skin of your upper arm.Â
âNope,â he answers, playing with the sleeve of your shirt now.Â
You can hear it coming from a mile away. He makes it too obvious with his fingers trailing over your skin and the heat of his gaze searing into the side of your face.
The sky outside your window is black, the moon only a sliver of its usual brilliance, but your living room is bright, turning the window into a mirror reflecting the two of you, the picture of a couple in repose.Â
You watch his reflection lean over yours in the window, his lips grazing your doubleâs ears, your breath catching when his touch yours as well. âIf I give you an inch, youâre going to run a mile, arenât you?â he murmurs.Â
Thereâs a lump in your throat when you swallow. âNo,â you lie.
He must see right through you though. Must see the creature inside you about to succumb to its instincts.Â
He must be good at chess, you think to yourself, staring down at him with a stupid look on your face as he lowers himself to lie flat on the bed between your legs, spreading your thighs wide enough to wedge his shoulders between them. Any game of strategy.Â
If you never give your opponent a moment to breathe, they canât gather themselves enough to retreat.Â
That thought crumbles to dust when he makes you watch him lick the first stripe up the seam of your pussy, crudely spreading your lips with his tongue. Nothing more substantial materializes after that.Â
He eats pussy like he hasnât had enough to eat. Lips and tongue and hollowed cheeks when he sucks your clit into his mouth and your back nearly arches right off the bed, twisted into such a complex shape that you almost donât know how to unravel yourself. Fingers grasping at his head, his ears; rasping over the coils of his hair, fingers committing the texture to memory.Â
Your thighs tremble and squeeze, pried open again and again every time you try to shut him out. The muscles in his arms barely even bulge with the effort it takes to keep your thighs spread.Â
You are wound up in ways that would be a challenge to anyone, but Kyle doesnât seem to care. He just holds you down and forces you to come on his tongue, rolling it over your clit until you actually start crying. Big, belting caterwauls. His poor baby, he croons.Â
When have you been someoneâs âpoor babyâ? Someoneâs darling, sweetheart, honey, thatâs it, Iâve got you, that felt good, didnât it? God, youâre so pretty, I canât believe you let meâ
He flicks his tongue over your sensitive clit and you yelp, reaching down to slide your hand between his mouth and your swollen sex only for him to lace your fingers together and pull your hand to the side and lick it again.Â
âItâs still sensitive,â you complain, and he lifts a brow, unmoved by your bellyaching.Â
âSo what, you got twitchy little orgasm legs, that means Iâm not allowed to lick your pussy anymore?â
âNo,â you hiss, embarrassment warming the blood already pooled under your cheeks.Â
Warm hands rest on either side of your face as he eases his cock in for the first time, holding your gaze in place as sinks in to the root. All you can do is squeeze your eyes shut.Â
They donât stay shut for long. He pries them open without words, without touch, every ounce of his ardor poured into you and lifting your own to the surface.Â
Sweat drips from his forehead onto yours. The sweat makes his hands slip up and down your face with the force of his thrusts, fingers tugging on your lips and pulling them apart, sliding over your gums and teeth.
âYou are the most beautiful thing Iâve ever seen,â Kyle pants, sweat dripping off his forehead and onto yours, eyes darker than youâve ever seen them, glassy and feverish.
âDonâtâdonât say that,â you gasp.
He dips his head down to press his forehead against yours. âYou canât tell me that. You canât tell me what to do.â
Whatever this is, itâs nothing like anything youâve experienced before. Proper lovemaking. Real kisses with passion, with fervor, with delight; the messiness contained between you, in the sweat rolling down your back and soaking into the sheets, the saliva dripping from his mouth into yours, the squelch of his shaft splitting you over and over, never giving you a second to catch your breath.Â
Coming a second, no, third time is painful, like a thing wrested unwillingly from you, and you fall back on the bed windburned. Kyle follows you down, hips bucking into yours faster and faster, his own end nearly on his heels.Â
He comes with a grunt, without warning; a sudden surge of heat and warmth, his fingers biting into your cheeks where he holds your face in his hands, his lip curling up into a snarl that you swear you can almost hear, andâ
You expect it to be over after that. For him to roll out of bed and pull on his pants, maybe give you a courtesy kiss for a job well done before leaving you to stew in the mire of another rejection, the small win eclipsed by the enormity of losing him.Â
What you donât expect is for him to lay down beside you and pull you into him. Kyle laughs softly when he notices your stiffness, jostling you slightly in an attempt to coax you into relaxing.
âThatâs right, baby,â he chuckles a touch breathlessly, pressing a kiss to the bridge of your nose before relaxing back down. âIâm not going anywhere.â
Coffee the next day is different than usual. Early for one, the sun still a syrupy morning gold, not yet the starchy afternoon white, and in a different location than usual, the coffee machine on your kitchen counter hissing through its second cup of the day.Â
Kyle maneuvers around your apartment too naturally, a stark contrast to the way you scurry from the bedroom to the bathroom like a stowaway. Heâs entirely at home in your space though, helping himself to coffee and breakfast, only glancing at you for permission, the slightest cock of his head and arch of his brow, and you fold under the pressure instantly.Â
When you try to skirt around him, he wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you into his side, the touch of his lips against your chest shocking you still, electrical impulses still skittering under your skin.Â
âI can feel your heart racing,â Kyle teases, caramel-smooth voice sending a low vibration through your chest.
And why shouldnât he? Your heart is racing after all. âIâm nervous.â
âI know you are, baby,â he murmurs. âThis is hard for you, isnât it?â
It is. A few too many years on your own have turned you to stone, the slightest touch almost too much to handle. Youâve long learned to expect anything you touch to shock you.Â
âWant me to make this easier on you?â he asks gently. Youâre not sure what he means by that, but you have an inkling.Â
And wouldnât it be nice to not have to worry? To not have to second guess what you really want or what you should do?Â
You nod.Â
âOkay, honey. Then you donât have to do it. No telling me to go away. Iâve got it from here.âÂ
When Kyle takes your phone from your hand, you donât stop him, even typing in your password for him when he turns it towards you, watching over his shoulder as he shares your location with his phone.Â
You exhale shakily, the tightness in your shoulders easing. There he goes with that oyster shucker again, opening you up.Â
So be it. What use is there in protecting something thatâs already his?Â
He comes into your life like nothing less than divine intervention.
A fender bender, of all things. Itâs a bad day and youâre distracted, too busy thinking about your dad calling to tell you that he lost ten thousand from his retirement fund when the stock heâd invested in crashed and how youâre supposed to help him out of this mess, and the roads are slick with that last snowfall of early spring, still unsalted even hours after the snow started.Â
So when you slam on the brakes at the last second after noticing the car in front of you stopped at a red light, your car slips on the ice and slides forward, hitting the back of the stopped car and sending it forward a foot. Itâs quick and sudden, and though you stepped on the brakes early enough to avoid a worse collision, your head snaps forward with the jolt and the seatbelt yanks you back violently, winding you.Â
Your hands go tight around the wheel, eyes so wide that they nearly pop out of your head as you stare at the car directly in front of you. All of the dread in the world pools in your mouth and then down your throat when you swallow, heart galloping in your chest. You almost canât believe it for a second.
Then the car in front of youâa big, fuck-you SUV that only worsens your anxiety because of all cars to hit, it had to be someone with a fancy, brand new car that probably has a lawyer on speed dialâputs their hazards on and the driverâs side doors opens and reality snaps like a rubberband back into you. With shaky hands, you put your car into park and put your hazards on as well.Â
âOh shit,â you whisper under your breath. An understatement.
A tall man in a brown parka steps out of the car and stares at you through the windshield, a stern expression on his face. He has a beanie pulled down over his head and a full beard, and for a second, the mental image of a bear emerging out of its den flickers in your imagination, all snow-dusted and irritable.Â
Heâs grizzled and older than you. The only consolation is that he doesnât match the image of the driver that you had in your headâno seven thousand dollar suit or bluetooth earpiece; instead, he seems like the kind of man whoâd drive an old pickup or a schooner, wearing an Aran sweater and a skipper's cap, with a pipe hanging from the corner of his mouth. He seems out of place in the middle of the road in your small town.Â
But he is real, and even though you watch him march over to you, you flinch when he raps on the window with his knuckles.Â
âRoll the window down,â he instructs, voice muffled through the glass, and you do because the command cuts through the buzzing in your ear. When you do, he reaches into your car with one hand and pops the lock, then takes a step back to open the door. Youâd freak out if the situation were different, but you must be in shock because all you can do is stare at him dumbly as he leans into the car and undoes your seatbelt. âCâmon, sweetheart. Out.â
It doesnât take much coaxing to get you to step out of the car. All he has to do is step back and you get out, knees nearly buckling, like jelly under you. He holds your elbow to steady you. Your elbow feels delicate and tiny in the width of his palm.Â
âYou alright, sweetheart?â he asks, looking all over your face.
You want to answer him, but all you can do is whimper, âIâm so sorry.â
âHey, none of that. It was an accident. You alright though? Anything hurt?â
âUhâŠI donâtâŠI donât know.â It hasnât really sunk in yet, you think. Maybe tomorrow youâll be sore all over, but right now you feel fine. On the verge of shaking out of your skin, teeth nearly clattering together, but more or less okay.Â
âNothing too bad then. Wanna give me your insurance so we can deal with this, sweetheart?âÂ
âOh. Yeah. Sorry. Let me justââ You move to reach back into your car to fetch your purse, but he stops you, insisting on getting it for you.Â
And you let him, docile like a doll, watching as he leans into your car and across the seats to grab your purse, big frame looking comically large in your little car. Looking like heâd barely fit in the front seat if he tried to get in.Â
He comes back out with your little purse in hand and opens it, handing you your wallet and purse by its strap. Your fingers are still shaking when you pull out your insurance information and hand it to him. Everything feels surreal and muted, and the tears are going to flow at any minute now if you donât get a handle on it.Â
He must notice because a knuckle fits under your chin and lifts your head up. âHey, whatâs wrong?Â
âNo, no,â you say, reaching up to swipe your fingers over your eyes. âIâm justâIâm really embarrassed. Iâve never been in an accident before.â
âNothing to be embarrassed about.â His voice is much softer now, pitched low in the way handlers talk to spooked animals. He puts his thumb to your chin, holding you in place. âNo one got hurt. Couldâve been worse than it was, and weâve both got insurance, so whatâs done is done. I donât look mad, do I?â
Trapped between his thumb and knuckle, you can only give a slight shake of your head. âNo.âÂ
âThen letâs just take it one step at a time and no tears. Okay?â
You sniff. âOkay.â
âOkay. Iâm going to call the insurance, so you get back in the car and sit tight, alright?âÂ
You nod.Â
âGood girl,â he says, a hint of praise in his voice. âPut the heat on too. Itâs too cold for that jacket.â
That makes you go warm all over, flustered and tongue-tied. Thankfully, he doesnât seem to expect a response out of you. The only thing he expects you to do is get back in the car and turn the heat back on, the warm air billowing into your face when he leans in to crank it up all the way.Â
Though most of the sound is muffled from inside the car, you turn down the heat and crack the window open slightly to hear him give his name to his insurance company. John Price. Even his name evokes the image of him somewhere else in the world, settled into the nooks and crannies of history.Â
John handles everything for you while you sit in the car like he told you to, settling everything with the insurance companies and calling for a tow truck right after that. You donât realize that, of course, until the tow truck pulls up in front of his car and he comes back to usher you out of your car.Â
âHow am I supposed to get home?â you croak. The tow truck driver hitches your car to the bed of the lift and pulls it up, your little car looking pathetic all alone up there.Â
âIâll drive you home then bring mine in later.â
âWhy canât I drive my car to the garage too?â Youâre petulant now that youâve learned that he wonât bite, and you know itâs petulance because you donât actually put up much of a fight to get your car taken off the tow truck.Â
That petulance trembles when his expression grows stern again. âYouâre getting it checked by a mechanic before you get behind the wheel again,â he tells you in no uncertain terms, eyes daring you to contradict him.
You donât. Itâs hard to argue with someone so adamant on your wellbeing. A mechanic in later days will tell John, with you by his side, that your car was mostly fine apart from some slight damage to the bumper, but that you made the right call to bring it in just in case the frame cracked during the accident.
Johnâs arm will be around your waist at the time and heâll pull you tighter into his side when the mechanic says that. And what do you do but go with it, curling into his side like itâs natural. Youâll have already fucked him by then anyway. Itâll be no less forward than letting him take you for coffee and then back home, following you up to your apartment and into your bed.Â
Now though, you let him usher you into the passenger seat of his car and shut the door behind you, the wind cutting off abruptly. It only comes back when the door opens on his side.Â
You rattle off your address and watch bemusedly as he programs it into his GPS and hits save. You donât have the temerity to question him, to poke a hole in the bubble of familiarity ballooning around the two of you. The real world seems far away in his car, like youâre in limbo, the rules different here somehow.Â
âHow about a coffee?â he asks at the next light, putting his hand on your thigh and shaking when you donât respond right away. âDoes a hot drink sound good right about now?â
âI guess?â you say. In truth, it sounds great, but youâre losing the thread of this conversation, your old preoccupations getting further and further away from you.Â
John gives your thigh a squeeze, lingering for a beat before pulling away. âGood. Itâll be a nice little pick me up before we go home. My treat.â
Lately, youâve been thinking about having a baby.
Or: the fertility clinic au
Part 3
masterlist
You feel like mangled prey the next morning. Nipples sucked raw, crotch a tacky mess of cum and sweat, flakes of it dried between your thighs, throat hoarse from screaming his name. Every inch of you aches when you try to move, the energy sucked out of you like marrow from a bone.Â
You feel like something torn from every angle, limbs just barely attached to your body. You vaguely recall him waking you up in the middle of the night by rolling you onto your stomach, a big arm hitching your hips up and positioning you just right before thrusting into you without any warning, no time to process waking up, the room around you still pitch black.Â
When sleep comes though, it comes hard, knocking you out until around mid-morning the next day.
Even then, when the sunlight splinters through your eyelids and rouses you back to life, it takes a considerable effort to even twitch your little finger, threaded through by a deep exhaustion. The bags under your eyes must be a wonder.Â
Your throat feels like sandpaper when you stick out your tongue to wet your lips, grimacing at the taste of your own morning breath. When you try to lift yourself up, your arm buckles, sending you toppling back down. Second timeâs the charm though. Thereâs a deep ache in your hips and joints that you only feel when you roll out of bed. Itâll likely linger into the rest of the day.Â
âWhere are you off to?â a heavy voice grumbles from the other side of the bed.Â
âA shower. Then coffee,â you croak, tucking your feet into a pair of slippers before waddling over to the door where you keep a housecoat hanging.
âPut the kettle on fâr me, darling,â John grunts, before turning over and burying his head back into the pillows. Â
The coffee maker boils and bubbles while you take a quick shower. Itâs not what you need, but itâll do until youâre alone, when you can take an hour long shower and luxuriate under the hot water with no thought to anyone waiting somewhere else in your house.Â
You sigh and shut the water off.
The breakfast table feels like a scene from a dream.Â
On the plate in front of you sits a satsuma orange, quartered, and toast with a thick layer of butter nearly spilling over the crust. Another plate sits on the placemat next to yours, piled high with toast, beans, sausage, and two fried eggs, a stark contrast from your plate.Â
At the sink, the man you let spend the better part of the night rutting between your thighs washes a pan. You stare at the meaty, undulating slabs of his back muscles until youâre nearly hypnotized, only snapping out of it when he shuts the water off, laying the pan down to dry in the dish rack.Â
âThatâs all youâre having?â John asks, gesturing at your plate with his fork.
âFor now,â you respond. âI might have something later if Iâm still hungry.â
âOf course youâll be hungry, youâve hardly got anything on your plate. Hereâhave one of my eggs.â
He holds his plate over yours and uses his fork to push one of his fried eggs onto your plate. It flops unceremoniously onto your toast.Â
You decide against snapping at him because itâs too early and youâre far too tired. You slice open the yolk with the side of your fork instead, staring at the yellow spill over the sides of your toast.
There is a moment over breakfast where you begin to wonder whether John will leave at all. He eats his breakfast and drinks his tea with no real sense of urgency, no indication that he believes that heâs overstayed his welcome. You donât want to come out and say it, but you can feel yourself getting antsy, your leg jittering under the table.Â
Then finally: âWell, this has been lovely, darling, but Iâve got to get going.â
Euphoria swells in your chest at the announcement, but you force it down, schooling your expression into something understanding. âYou sure you donât want more tea?â
The wry look he gives you lets you know that he can see right through your feigned dismay. âNo, darling, I think that was enough for now.â
Shrewd man. Far too shrewd for the likes of you.
You send him off with a kiss on the lips and a look so heated that it nearly singes. And then heâs gone, the door locked behind him and his footsteps growing fainter and fainter until they disappear altogether.Â
And then, and only then, can you finally exhale.Â
Itâs one of the first weekends in a while where you feel no compulsion to go out or do practically anything. All you want to do is laze about. You make a batch of iced tea and plop yourself in front of the TV, feet tucked under your thighs and phone open in your hand, both screens on at the same time.Â
It feels so good to do laundry after making a mess of everything. You strip the sheets and throw them into the washing machine the second Johnâs out the door, your clothes from the night before not far behind. Later, you cobble together lunch from whatever you have in the fridge, and when supper comes around, you order takeaway, barely cracking open the front door wide enough to snatch the bag off the stoop before retreating back inside.Â
Heâs still there though. Every time you get a twinge in your hips or an ache in your belly. Every time you glance towards your bedroom on your way to the kitchen and you see the sheets, all clean and neat now, though you can easily recall what they looked like just a few days agoâa tangled, filthy mess of cum, spit, and sweat.Â
Unlike your sheets, the stink of Johnâs presence isnât easily washed away.Â
By the time Monday rolls around, you feel normal again. Like youâve caught your breath after a long sprint. No bout of Sunday scaries this time, not after the weekend you had, but still you come into work with your head on a bit of a swivel, feeling a bit like an emperor in invisible clothes. Waiting, against all odds and rational sense, for someone to read the signs of your weekend on you.Â
No one does, of course. No one says a word because no one notices a thing. You might have expected that if you werenât so on edge, but paranoia has a way of twisting the mind. By the time lunch comes around though, and no one has said more than a pleasant word to you, you start to let go of the anxiety. Better late than never.Â
The latter point doesnât apply to your period.Â
Tuesday is better. You pass a flower shop on your way to work and stop to smell the roses for a change, the heavy weight on your shoulders barely a feather in the light of a new day. Itâs that time of summer where every colour is at its most saturated, the pinks and greens and golds and oranges so intense and vivid that their colours seem to almost pour out of them.Â
And then itâs Wednesday.
Wednesday is a croissant, the buttery flakes scattered all over the wax paper that you use as a plate, and an iced coffee. Itâs a series of boring meetings at work that barely move the needle. Itâs a long, circuitous drive home that ends at least once in a dead end because of all the construction going on downtown. It is, in every sense of the word, a profoundly boring day.
The first thing you do when you get home is collapse on the couch for a solid half hour, shoes just barely kicked off at the door. Supper can wait until later. Your stomach grumbles when you think about it, but you just donât have the energy to cook, all of it eaten up by the stress of the drive home.
This is how the rest of your life is going to look. With a baby, for sure, but still, just you. Just you to come home from work and cook and clean and do it all. And even though itâs what youâve been working towards, youâre a little morose thinking about it.
Thereâs a knock on your door. You lift yourself up to sit, frowning at the door. The bell follows soon after.Â
You know itâs John before you even check. Call it a sixth sense or intuition, but when the bell rings, your breath catches and your stomach clenches, and you know itâs him on the other side.Â
He comes bearing gifts at least. A stack of takeaway containers in a brown paper bag. Even just the smell has you salivating. You can almost imagine that you let him in, that you took a step back and waved him inside, interest and appetite piqued by the smell of greasy food.Â
You didnât though, a sneaky little voice reminds you. You let the door open just enough to poke your head out and he was there on the other side, taking up every inch of space, as if someone had suddenly built a wall right outside your door. And he was gentlemanly about it, smiled down at you and asked you how you were, but his foot was against the door and then wedged between it and the frame, working it open gently with his leg and shoulder, pushing his way inside. Polite all the while, of course, announcing the meal that heâd come with and dropping a sweet kiss on the top of your head, but he did, in fact, push you aside on his way in.Â
Your problem is that you can always find a silver lining. Anyone with any common sense would tell you to kick him out tout suiteâshove him towards the door, bye bye, so long, thanks for all your help, Iâll let you know if I need you to come backâbut you canât help thinking that, you know, while you have him here, you might as wellâ
John catches you glancing towards your bedroom door and smiles, amused. âWe can get to that later.â
And he does.Â
Three times in one week. Thatâs how many times he comes over. He never leaves without at least folding you over the side of the couch and pumping a load into you, only satisfied when he dips thick fingers into a creamy centre and pulls them out wet, your trembling legs letting him know that the job is done.Â
You donât complain because what is there to complain about? You have a man at your beck and callâthough you havenât yet had to call himâwilling to help you make a baby and not asking for anything in return.Â
His involvement in your life extends beyond just the bedroom though. You suffer through mid-morning headaches for a week before realizing from the label on the jar that someone must have swapped your instant coffee for the decaf version. John doesnât deny it when you bring it up.Â
Prenatal vitamins are the next thing shoved down your throat, albeit not literally. Fresh, organic fruits and vegetables as well. And grateful as you are for him saving you the trip, you canât help but wonder if he realizes that you donât need his help. Eventually, youâre going to have to be self-sufficient. You canât get used to John bringing you dinner or picking up your meds or getting your groceries because eventually itâs going to end.Â
He doesnât always stay the night. Sometimes he leaves right after the act or in the wee hours of the morning while youâre half-tucked under the sheets, limbs akimbo. His goodbyes are always a long, drawn out affair, even if it means pulling you from a dead sleep. Always a soft, slow kiss sipped from your lips and a little bit of tongue. One last once-over to make sure youâre okay. Sometimes he even fetches a glass of water to set on your bedside table for the next morning.Â
A pity you canât look forward to this for the rest of your life.Â
A week and a half later, your period arrives right on schedule.
It isnât a surpriseâyou warned John as much over dinnerâbut it does dampen your mood somewhat when you realize this means that you wonât be seeing JohnÂ
The next time John calls, you tell him as much.Â
âWe should probably rescheduleâIâm on my period this week.â
You can hear the raised eyebrow in his voice. âAre you going away as well?â
You frown. âNo, Iâm not going anywhere. Why?â
âThen why would we reschedule?â
âOh. Okay.â
Implacable. Unflappable. If you knew more about him, you wouldâve expected that from him, but you learn it too late. Instead, you find out about this particular character trait in the shower of all places, your cheek pressed against the wet tile and your hips canted back, Johnâs cock plunging between your legs, blood dyeing the water around your feet pink and swirling down the drain.Â
If youâd known that about him, you might never have let things get to this point. But the dice have already been cast; theyâre out of your hands now. All you can do is grip the reins in both hands and hold on for dear life.Â
Itâs difficult to imagine what your life will be like after this. Youâve spent so long waiting instead of living. Waiting takes up so much space, so much time. It fills the walls of your mind with its presence, a constant, irksome insistence, making the world youâve been running towards seem leagues away.Â
And then there are moments when it seems close enough to touch.Â
A month passes like a buzzing fly. Here one second and gone the next. You have an alarm on your phone that goes off while youâre scrolling in bed, waiting for John to come over, and you blink when you see a reminder for the first day of your period. You hadnât even felt it creeping up on you.Â
You pull your shorts and underwear off right there on your bed, checking the gusset for blood and feeling your heartbeat speed up when you find nothing there. Youâre late.Â
You call and catch him a couple blocks from your place, sounding half-crazy over the phone, but youâre coherent enough for him to double back and grab a box of pregnancy tests. One of the three-pack ones, splurging a little.Â
The second you let him in, John herds you into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, flipping the lock at the same time. Your stomach drops out from under you when you hear it click.Â
âHere. In this,â he says, handing you a small, plastic cup.Â
âWait, canât I just pee on the stick?â you ask, reaching for the box that he yanks away from your grasping fingers.
John shakes his head. âThis is a better method. Less chance of you missing or not wetting it enough. Weâll put the stick in when youâre done.â
âJohnââ
âWe can stand here all night talking about it, if youâd rather?â The slight furrow of his brows signals that his patience is wearing thin.Â
Youâve clearly been giving him too much leeway if he doesnât think thereâs anything wrong with putting you through the indignity of peeing in front of him.Â
You do it though. Hunched over on the toilet with your pants around your ankles and the cup between your legs, John leaning against the counter and watching you the whole time.You stare down between your spread thighs and into the bowl instead of meeting his eyes, half to ignore him and half to make sure that you donât miss.Â
When youâre done, you hand him the cup. Let him handle it while you wipe yourself off and pull your underwear back up.Â
The wait is excruciating. Three minutes of pins and needles, front teeth chipping away at the nail of your thumb. You wish that John would distract you somehow, but his eyes remain fixed on the pregnancy test, unwavering.Â
You nearly jump out of your skin when the alarm on his phone buzzes, practically leaping over him to grab the pregnancy test.Â
Your heart sinks when only one line stretches across the display. You turn the test this way and that, trying to make out even the faintest indication of a second line, but itâs clear what that one line means. Â
Taking it from your hands, John sets the test down on the counter and wraps his arms around you, cupping his hand around the back of your head as he pulls you into his chest.
âItâs alright, love,â he says in a low, soothing voice. âWeâll keep trying.â
His comfort is an unexpected balm. A firm pressure over a wound aching to open back up.Â
Itâs the first time he sleeps in your bed without making a move on you. You almost have half a mind to bring it up, but you bite your tongue just in time. Why spoil the mood when his arm makes as comfortable a pillow as any one of yours? You like the way his breath tickles the tip of your nose. The way he doesnât snore but breathes so heavily that he might as well.Â
Youâre glad that itâs him. This wouldâve been harder on your own, with no one around to make the heavy moments lighter.Â
Sure, you would have had your friends to lean on. But you wouldâve had them on weekends and at mocktail hours, not in the quiet of your bathroom, staring at a negative pregnancy test in only your underwear.Â
Youâre glad you have John.
Not everyone shares your opinion.
A lawyer friend (not a friend by virtue of being a lawyer, but simply happenstance) goes ashen when you finally break and tell someone about your arrangement with John.
âDid you hit your head or something? Are you out of your mind?â
You wince, sheepish, aware that you deserve the dressing down. âI know.â
âNo, you clearly donât know or you would have come to me about this before having unprotected sex with a stranger in order to get knocked up. Did he even get tested before sleeping with you?â
âObviously. Iâm not that stupid.â
âYou actually are that stupid. Did you have him sign anything forfeiting parental rights?â
Your lips form in a perfect circle and she groans, scrubbing a hand down her face.Â
A day later, she has something for you to give John to sign. Itâs long and technical, but you understand the gist of what a voluntary forfeiture of parental rights entails.Â
It shouldâve crossed your mind to seek out legal advice before all of this, but you hadnât been thinking that far ahead. Youâd sort of hoped it would be quick, that heâd spend one singular night with you, and two to four weeks later, youâd be pregnant. You hadnât expected it to take this long; you certainly hadnât foreseen John's active and prolonged involvement in the process.Â
Clearly, you havenât been thinking straight these past few weeks.
The next time John comes over, you hand it to him, expecting to have his signature by the end of the night. Not anticipating any resistance, and why would you? Your arrangement with him is predicated on this being a temporary affair.Â
His face gives nothing away as he works through the document. He might as well be reading a circular.Â
âVery official,â he remarks. You almost feel bad about springing this on him after everything that heâs done for you. Heâs been nothing but helpful and dependable since this started.Â
You feel so bad that you actually apologize. âSorry. One of my friends is just really paranoid. Itâs just a formality.â
John doesnât respond, flipping over to the next page, eyes still scanning the text.
âYou donât have to sign it right now,â you insist, guilt clawing at your stomach.Â
âNonsense,â he says, dismissing your worry. âI know this is important to you. You have to take care of yourself and our baby. Thatâs what matters most.â
Your stomach flips. Our baby. It doesnât alleviate the guilt you feel about ambushing him with a legal document when there are groceries on the counter still waiting to be unpacked, another one of his thankless gifts. It just notches the arrow, the bow pulled back to a taut full draw.Â
âDo you have a pen, love? I didnât think to bring one with me.â The arrowhead punches right between your ribs.Â
âNo, just take it home. I donât need it today. Please,â you stress when he tries to argue, trying to take the papers from him. âJohn, Iâm serious.â
He sighs, reluctantly handing you the contract back. âAlright, love, whatever you say.â
Thereâs a certain relief in getting that off your chest, even if it means putting it on the back burner for a while. Itâs not like you have to deal with this now anyway. You arenât even pregnant yet.Â
That must occur to John as well because he wastes no time divesting you of your clothes, his passion tonight a slow burn, a little ember cooking you from the inside.Â
Even he seems to be suffering from it tonight. He touches the head of his cock to your lips and sighs like itâs a shame he canât come in there. He doesnât mind wetting it though. Makes it a smoother glide when he gets you down on all fours, the floorboards chafing your elbows and knees with every thrust.Â
The next morning, you happen to glance down at the coffee table on your way to the kitchen and notice the contract missing. John must have taken it on his way out.Â
You never do see that little document again after that, and you never think to bring it up.
also love the idea that Simon has never eaten anyone out before because he thinks that's too intimate, so the first time he tongues his bird's cunt, she has to practically force him to do it because he always refuses to. knows logically that there's nothing wrong with it, and he's practically in love with his girl (or the closest he'll ever be able to get to love; some approximation of obsession and covetousness, the feeling that she's irreplaceable and all his), but it just takes him awhile to get over the hurdle of a lifetime of casual, surprisingly cold sexual encounters.
but once the seal is finally broken, and Simon realizes how much he likes it, he's always diving face first into her pussy whenever they're alone. tongues her pearl until she squirts on his face. licks his own come out of her whenever they fuck because she tastes like some holy mix of the two of them, her juices and his come. refuses to give her his cock until he's gotten his mouth on her first, softened her up with his tongue and fingers. sometimes gets carried away and ignores her hands scratching at his shorn scalp and trying to push his face away from her pussy because she just came for a third time on his tongue. only relents when she goes limp and he blinks, sluggishly thinking that they need to change the sheets.
fig. 1. hand in dog mouth | Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish x Reader
MASTERLIST · AO3
The first time he smells her from inside the woman's locker room, it brings him to a halt. The human voice in his head grows dimmer and dimmer until it ceases to make a sound.
or: the forced mating omegaverse au
tags: Size Difference, Size Kink, Omegaverse, Explicit Sexual Content, AFAB Reader, Stalking, Kidnapping, Heavy Noncon/Dubcon Elements
âFuckinâ gym isnae gieiâ me a free month even though ah have tae drive tae practically the other side oâ the country tae get a decent pump in.â
âMate, I canât understand you when you get all worked up,â Gaz sighs on the other end of the phone, probably pinching the bridge of his nose. A lot of their conversations end up that way, one of them quickly losing patience with the other until the call abruptly ends.
Johnny drops his gym bag in the back and slams the car door shut, rounding to the other side to get in on the driverâs side.Â
âAh said, they arenây refunding me fer the month even though the other location is on the other side oâ town. Thatâs a half hour back ân forth,â he gripes. The call switches to bluetooth a couple seconds after starting the car, Gazâs exasperated voice coming from the speaker instead of his cell.Â
âDonât you already get a discount?â
âThatâs jusâ fer beinâ a vet. This is completely different. Itâs gonna be closed fer a month fer renovations. Ah cannae do this fer a whole month.â
âHey, I know where you live. Arenât there other gyms around that you could go to instead?â
âAre ye out oâ yer fuckinâ mind, Gaz? Ahâm noâ payinâ ten quid fer a fuckinâ day pass when ah already pay out the nose fer a membership.âÂ
âNo need to get mad at me, mate, Iâm just giving you suggestions.âÂ
âWell, keep them tae yerself if theyâre all that bad.â
âOkay, this has been a great chat. I hope you blow a tire on the way there and try calling me for help so I can ignore it.â
The call ends with a loud beep and Johnny barks out a laugh as he reverses out of his spot, looping out of the lot and onto the main road.
He takes the highway because most of the slush and snow has long been cleaned off, though his wipers pump back and forth furiously to keep the snow flurries from sticking to the windshield. That already sets the tone for his evening. He nearly gets in an accident twice on the way there, everyone losing their ability to drive the second the weather is even slightly bad.Â
He should just be lucky his gym even has another branch. They couldâve left him high and dry for the month, forced him to go to one the other gyms in his neighborhood that donât offer the same range of weights and veteranâs discount.Â
Worse, he couldâve been left with no choice but to use Gazâs guest pass to his exorbitantly overpriced luxury gym downtown. Even the thought makes Johnny shudder. It could always be worse.
Itâs so much more than just the drive that he hates about the other location. Like the first time he came here months ago when an appointment on the other side of town made him think it would be more convenient to pop in rather than heading back home for his workout, the parking lot is packed when he arrives, and he has to circle the lot twice before a spot frees up.Â
The gym is similarly packed when Johnny walks in, and his mood darkens as he scans the weight section for a free bench. None in sight. Just meathead after meathead lining the far wall, huffing and puffing with each rep, dumbbells scattered around.Â
Headphones slipped on and music loud enough to make his ears ring, he heads to the treadmills instead. Better to just start his workout like usual and hope for the best.Â
The air stinks of sweat and hormones, alpha pheromones wafting through the gym and leaving not a corner untouched. Itâs one of the reasons he prefers the location closer to his placeâconvenience aside, his location is mainly frequented by betas and omegas, the odd alpha not having much of an impact on the overall vibe.Â
Itâs not that he doesnât have plenty of alpha friends (Gaz being just one of them), itâs just that sometimes he likes being the biggest, meanest thing in the room. Keeps him in line. Keeps him from being the stupid shit he is ninety-nine percent of the time, as Gaz would say. He likes to be the only one posturing.Â
So he doesnât relish being forced to work out with a million carbon copies of himself. Itâs nothing Johnny isnât used to at leastâa decade in the military and a lifetime of contact sport before that had been enough of an education in coexisting with other alphasâbut it leaves him on edge, muscles bunching up until his shoulders are nearly up to his ears.Â
Running loosens him up. Distracts him from the urge to sink his teeth into something tender and shake until it bleeds.Â
A brisk walk to a light jog to a full on sprint. Tongue suctioned to the roof of his mouth, sharpened canines throbbing. The most natural state in the worldâlegs pumping under him faster and faster, the faint memory of bare feet on a cold forest floor turning over loose soil with every stride. The steady pound of his feet against the ground rumbling through him.
Itâs a pale imitation of the real deal, but the taste of salt and rust on the back of his tongue keep him grounded. The beast in his chest rumbles its approval.Â
When a bench finally frees up, Johnny has to dash across the gym when he sees another alpha nearby eyeing his spot. He reaches the bench a few seconds before the other man though, slinging his sweat-drenched towel across the seat to claim it as his. The alpha hovers for a tense second, face screwed up in anger and nostrils flared like he might put up a fight for it.Â
Do it, Johnny almost growls, teeth itching. Try it and see what happens.
Lucky for both of them that the other alpha knows when to cut his losses. He shoulder checks another alpha as he stomps back to the leg press machine and nearly starts a whole other fight, but thatâs none of Johnnyâs business.Â
He cringes when he finally looks down at the bench only to find someoneâs back outlined in sweat. Entitled shitheads at this gym canât even be bothered to clean up after themselves.Â
The noxious miasma of alpha stench would make his eyes water if he werenât so used to it. Pungent and sharp, like gargling brine.Â
A month canât go by quick enough.
He leaves feeling worse than when he came in. Shoulders tight with tension and irritation crackling through him. Doesnât even bother throwing a halfhearted see you later to the front desk workers on his way out. The height of rudeness. Not even rude so much as just not him; Johnny likes to talk, he likes to be friendly with the staff. It speaks to the anger riding high in his blood that he canât even pretend.Â
To make it worse, his car is covered in snow when he makes it back, forcing him to spend an extra five minutes cleaning the shit off before he can finally leave.Â
Itâs untenable. He can mind his ego for a paycheck, but on his own time his patience curls up into a ball in his chest and goes to sleep. Itâs not a question of if heâll lose his temper but when. Inevitable. His pugnacity has always been his downfall; his Achillesâ heel. Always cutting himself down on a sharp tooth.
The rosary beads dangling from the rearview window sway with the car when he takes a tight turn.Â
âAh ken,â Johnny mumbles to himself, silver cross glinting under the stoplight. âAh can do a month. Ah can keep it together.â
The next couple of times are just as bad. Itâs always crowded during his preferred usual time and it always stinks, like the staff know theyâre fighting a losing battle trying to keep the place clean so they donât even try.Â
The sorry fuckinâ state of this place, Johnny thinks in revulsion, sneering down at yet another machine damp with sweat from the guy before him. It takes him a minute to wrestle down the impulse to chase after the other alpha and drag him back by his hair before shoving him face down into the puddle of sweat on the seat he left for someone else to clean up.Â
Only the threat of being permanently banned keeps his temper in check. That can only last for so long though.
Itâs gotten to the point where he seriously considers taking Gaz up on his offer to come with him to the gym downtown. Heâs a danger to himself and others here; a walking time bomb rapidly ticking down. Each day, something new tests the limits of his patience, like when he comes in one crowded afternoon only to find all of the lockers taken, the locker room stuffed to the brim with alphas and a few straggler betas.Â
He sits in his car with the heat on for an hour until the gym clears out, steaming enough to fog up the windows. Nearly turns right back around when he enters the locker room to find it absolutely demolishedâdamp towels strewn about, shower water all over the floor, and stinking to high heavens of sweat, body odour, and piss.Â
Thereâs still a dent in one of the lockers from the brief loss of his temper. He doesnât cop to it, but he makes a point to only use the lockers on the other side of the room from then on.
Heâs desperate enough to join Gaz at his fancy downtown gym all of one time, but the facilities there are so serene and sterile that his skin crawls the moment he walks in. Soothing spa music echoes through the three-story gym (no, wellness centre, the staff correct him at the check-in desk, and Gaz has to kick his bad knee to keep Johnny from howling) and verdant green plants grow from pots placed around the facility.Â
Like working out in the jungle, he thinks sardonically.Â
âHow can ye even concentrate here?â he asks, aghast, staring at the group of limber, flexible bodies stretching and straining in a group yoga class behind a nearby glass wall. He licks his lips.Â
Gaz rolls his eyes. âItâs not that bad.â
âAhâm noâ gonna get kicked out for breathing too loud, am ah?âÂ
âIf anything, youâre gonna get kicked out for public indecency,â Gaz sneers, looking down pointedly at Johnnyâs open hand inching towards his crotch. âCan you chill out, mate?â
âItâs noâ my fault! Theyâre arching their backs ân pushing their tits out. Ah shouldnae have to look at that when ahâm tryinâ tae work out.âÂ
âWould it kill you to not run your mouth off for five fucking minutes?â
Johnny mimes zipping his lips and then follows Gaz downstairs to the locker room, where the wall-length granite sink and infrared sauna make his eyes nearly bug out of his head.Â
To no oneâs surprise, he doesnât go back. Gaz doesnât ask him again either.
An appointment one day pushes his schedule back a couple hours and he shows up later than usual, his teeth clenched tight the whole drive over because he expects the worst. Double the occupants, double the meatheads.Â
But when he pulls into a near empty lot, the knot of tension in his chest loosens. Only a handful of cars, and most of them are parked near the take-out place at the other end of the complex.Â
Itâs practically a wasteland when Johnny walks in. A few people here and there, but otherwise deserted. Only a single person posted near the free weights.Â
Even the locker room is more palatable. Freshly cleaned and stocked with new towels. All of the showers have been scrubbed down and dried, the curtains tucked behind the holdbacks and waiting for someone to use them. Itâs like walking into a brand new gym.Â
âYeah, this is kind of the sweet spot,â a staff member tells him when he rocks up to the desk to ask about it. âWe get a lot of alphas that come here right after five, so when it empties out around nine, we have the cleaning staff come in to sanitize everything.â
âWell shit,â he laughs, pushing back from the desk and lacing his hands behind his head. âGuess yer gonna see me more often.â
True to his word, he starts showing up later and later, the streetlights plump and gold when he swerves into the parking lot and parks in the middle of two spots purely because he can. Thereâs a new bounce to his gait, a pep in his step.Â
It fucks up Johnnyâs schedule for a bit, but itâs well worth getting home well after midnight if it means that he gets the gym to himself. No one to complain when he groans and pants through each rep, sweat dripping from his face and body onto the floor, weights slammed against the mat with a loud thud every time he finishes a set.Â
(In truth, heâs no better than the alphas that plague the gym during the evening hours, but heâs long made peace with being a hypocrite.)
For a moment, it seems like life will at least be bearable until the month is over and he can go back to training at his regular gym. All he has to do is wait it out.Â
When it first catches his nose, he splinters down the middle.
It happens when Johnnyâs on his way out for the night, muscles warm and only slightly sore, the kind of soreness thatâll dissipate by the time he flops into bed. Itâs later than usualâcloser to one than twelve, and heâll feel it in the morning when heâs forced to get up at his usual hourâbut thereâs hardly anyone else in the gym and for that, itâs worth it.Â
The strap of his gym bag digs into his shoulder as he tosses a hand up on his way, saying goodbye to the beta manning the front desk on his own. A shame that heâs stuck on his own all night. It would drive Johnny crazy to be stuck at work with no one to talk toâitâs one of the reasons that he followed Gaz into private security when they both got out of the service.Â
He turns around, about to step out of the gym, when a peculiar smell tries to sneak past him. A slippery thing, silverfish quick and just as conspicuous.Â
He catches it though. Hunting dog with a purebred snout, he sniffs it the second it wafts under his nose and goes ramrod straight, egress forgotten.Â
The door to the women's locker room is closed, but he can smell the faint traces of the omegaâs scent clinging to it. She must have touched it on her way out. Must have placed her palm against the door and shoved. The alpha beneath his skin that wears his face stills as well, everything vanishing into the singular nature of the scent emanating from the locker room door.Â
In twenty-nine years, heâs never felt soâ
(unmoored, untethered
sinking into it like a stone, not coming apart but unraveling altogetherâ)
He breathes in again and itâs fainter now, but he can still smell it. Candy pink frosting, so sweet that his teeth hurt and his dick throbs. Juicy like a ripe peach waiting for his teeth. It wafts from the womenâs locker room, so subtle that itâs clear that whoever it belonged to is long gone. He must have just missed her, an hour separating them at most.Â
Itâs like nothing heâs ever smelt before. No omega in heat has ever made his head spin like this, every inch of him attuned to a single scent. Even slick on his tongue has never made him feel like this, rut thundering through his bones and snapping him into a new shape.
The hunger shifts from his throat to his stomach, settling in deep. And the beast under his skin that wears his face opens its maw, ropey strands of spittle stringing between its teeth.Â
âHey man, you good?âÂ
Johnny blinks, looking over his shoulder to find the guy at the front desk frowning at him. It snaps him out of whatever spell heâd been under. His alpha recedes beneath his skin again, hungering but quieter.Â
âUhâŠâ he clears his throat, pulling the strap of his bag back up onto his shoulder from where it slipped down. Gives the guy a thumbs up. âYeah. Sorryâlost my train oâ thought.â
The employee stares at him for a beat before mumbling, âOkayâŠâ under his breath and looking back down at the computer.
Johnny stares at the door for another few seconds before finally leaving.
He sweats all the way home. Worries, wonder, and woes. Blinks and suddenly his exit is next, another car behind him honking when he changes lanes abruptly without signalling. Haud yer wheesht, he thinks and flips the other driver off for good measure.Â
At home, he paces the length of his house thinking about that omegaâs scent until itâs time for bed. Then he tosses and turns until his sleep grows profound and swallows him whole like Jonah. Into the belly of the beast. Nothing to do but let it spit him back out like a peachstone.Â
Then morning comes and his jaw clicks when he yawns and his bad knee hurts.Â
But worse than the snow pelting his windshield on the drive to work and worse than the cold stinging his face when he parks and stops for his morning coffee is the memory of that smell.Â
Itâs not as if he doesnât have any experience with omegas. Despite growing up under the thumb of four alpha sisters, Johnnyâs been popular with omegas his whole life. His history with them is an assortment of sordid trysts and quick flings, good enough to scratch an itch but not enough to make him want to bite and keep.Â
Sticky, messy, syrupy ruts spent buried between an omegaâs soft thighs, gorging himself on slick and pussy; nudging his cock against pillowy lips and then thrusting down their throat, hand palming the base of their skull to hold them in place.Â
Itâs always been like that though. One and done; a couple days at most to work through the worst of his rut and then out the door, a messy kiss for the road before whistling his way home. Johnnyâs good for that. A romp in the hay, a roll in the sack. Generous with his fingers and mouth and cock.Â
Heâs never craved an omega like this though, never fevered like he fevers now. Itched like his skin was turned inside out in his sleep.
Waking up in the middle of the night panting, the covers under him drenched with sweat and his knot throbbing in his hand, already swollen and aching. Fisting his cock until he has no choice but to roll over and bury his teeth into his pillow, humping the mattress frantically until he comes, eyes watering with the force of his orgasm.Â
No tonic for this ailment. It simmers in his blood, infatuation decocting into full blown obsession.
Brontide as leitmotif and it rumbles in his ears.Â
Wandering through the city punch-drunk, always waiting for it to catch his nose somewhere else. In line at a salad bar, always a head taller than everyone else (which heâs still getting used to, which is still a strange new fact of civilian life); at a local venue with Gaz for a concert, scenting the air for any sign of them; seated at the back of the coffee shop across the street from the gym, eyes trained on the door.
Waiting. Always waiting.Â
And, hungering like a starved dog.Â
Saliva pooling in his mouth when he thinks of what itâll be like when he finally has them under him, desperate and cloying and wet.Â
Other omegas smell sickly to him now, off somehow. A facsimile of what he knows is out there waiting for him. Heâs not down for a quick fuck anymore. A hand on his chest and doe eyes blinking up at him makes him shudder now, grimacing down at the omega trying to compete for his attention when out there thereâsâ
His omega. Â
Just for him. Made to take his knot and clench around it and squeal when he pumps them fullâÂ
Hishishishishishis.Â
So he shrugs her hand off and sends her on her way.Â
Johnny spends weeks trying to line up their schedulesâhis and that elusive omegaâs whose scent still permeates the gym even though he never actually sees them in the fleshâto no avail. Even though heâs there waiting at the gym nearly every day, they must stagger their visits. Worse, they seem to come at irregular hours; some days, Johnny shows up and though he can smell the omegaâs scent, itâs flat, stale. Like theyâve been gone for hours, ages. Only the oil from their hands still embedded in the dumbbells on the rack.Â
He doesnât even care if anyoneâs watching when he brings one up to his nose and breathes in.Â
Then abruptly, the scent disappears, and with it, his soundness of mind.
A week gasping for air, flopping belly up. Breathing in nothing, not even the old, stale scent of his omega because theyâre gone suddenly without warning. The first couple of days are manageable only because he doesnât notice it at first, used to his omega taking a couple days off at a time to rest and recover, but then two days stretch into three. And then into four.Â
Johnnyâs long thought of himself as wild and self-reliant, not accountable to anyone or anything apart from himself. It takes four days to obliterate that notion.Â
On the fourth day, he wakes up and his agony crawls out of his mouth on spindly legs.Â
It follows him to work and back, an ache between his shoulder blades and a gnawing, wretched hunger for something he canât have because itâs beyond his grasp. Smoke now, lost in the ether. He drives across town before and after work, hoping that theyâll suddenly reappear and set his mind at ease, but the gym only smells of alpha funk and his own souring mood.Â
Too long without it. Heâs nothing but a shell of himself in its absence, without the scent of his omega to calm him down, and it makes Johnny realize that he wasnât doing well on his own before but just barely surviving. Barely keeping his head above water.Â
Ghost hauls him out of a bar by the scruff of his neck on Saturday night when he almost starts a fight, and only sinking his canines into the other alphaâs forearm calms him down. He slumps forward in the bigger manâs hold and whines when Ghost strokes a hand down his back and murmurs something vaguely soothing in his ear, his words muffled by the mask. He even lets Ghost drag him back home and curls up on his couch until a balled sock hits his head and he slinks into Ghostâs bedroom, dragging his feet the whole way.
His longing is excruciating. Pathetic. Like a dog with its own empty bowl in its mouth begging for scraps. Â
Gaz still calls every day because theyâve been joined at the hip since they first met almost a decade ago and itâs not long before he picks up on the shaky note in Johnnyâs voice, stilted conversations becoming wholly incomprehensible. Even Price calls him towards the end of the week to ask if heâs doing alright. No, sir. Yes, sir. Ahâm fine, sir.Â
âWas it Gaz who snitched?â Johnny gripes, cutting a side-eyed glare at the alpha on the bench next to him curling sixty pound weights and groaning like heâs getting sucked off at the same time. Still no sign of his omega.Â
âWell, it wasnât Simon.â
That makes him snort. Last time he tells that traitor a goddamn thing about his life.Â
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It makes the world seem fetid and bland, and he looks out at it through dull eyes, anger kindling inside. Makes his stomach cramp like thereâs nothing in it. It takes the sheen out of an oil spill, leaving only the mess and rot behind.Â
And then suddenly itâs back like nothing happened, stopping him in his tracks as he walks into the gym. They must have gone out of town for the week, on vacation or visiting family, something so trivial that heâd laugh if his innards werenât char and ash. If his alpha werenât half-feral, blotting out his thoughts for hours at a time, all instinct and anger and teeth taking over until he regains clarity and the sky is dark.
It nearly brings him to his knees when he walks into the gym and the smell of his omega blooms bright and nacreous. The gym staff eye him with growing uncertainty, but heâs hardly the most concerning customer at a big box gym (last week someone locked themselves in one of the bathroom stalls with a knife), so they leave him to his own devices when heâs finally able to move again.
His omega isnât there, of course. Johnny can tell from a quick glance around the gym and a sniff of the air. But they were, and thatâs all that matters.Â
Their reappearance sharpens his resolve. Runs it against a whetstone, his time of waiting coming to an end. He rolls his shoulders back and puffs his chest out in anticipation. It canât come soon enough.Â
Nothing stays silent for long when a wolf is watching from the shadows. Eventually it has to make a sound.Â
Itâs quiet in the gym at two a.m. (a far cry from his usual time, but the hunt demands sacrifice), only the sound of a single treadmill whirring and shoes hitting the belt disturbing the near silence.Â
Johnny smells you the second he walks in. It punches him right in the chest when he inhales and the ripe, sticky scent of his omega flows into his lungs. Mouth watering on instinct. Rutilant eyed, he tilts his head wolf-like and stares down towards the other side of the gym where a pretty thing fiddles with the settings on the treadmill, settling into a light jog.Â
Heâs buried under an avalanche of want so powerful and so swift that it collapses him down to base instinct. Thoughts disconnected and hazy, blooming like a bruise in his head.Â
Shouldnae be here, he wants to croon in your ear while he holds you down, almost swaying on his feet at the thought. Should be back in my bed at home takinâ my dick so deep in yer gorgeous cunt that ye can taste my cum on the back of yer tongueâ
The employee manning the front desk doesnât even look up when Johnny scans his pass and pushes through the turnstile, flipping to the next page of the magazine open in front of him.
Itâs better that way. Johnny doesnât know what heâd do if someone tried to stop him or get in his way.Â
The gym is deserted at this time of night, only the single treadmill in use and someone that passes him on their way out, a gust of wind at Johnnyâs back signalling their departure. Everything always works out in his favour. He suffers for it, but God rewards him for his patience.Â
He takes a seat on the closest available training machine and doesnât even pretend to use it. Johnnyâs never been much of a performer anyway. Instead, he drops his gym bag down on the floor beside the chest press machine and leans forward, elbows resting against his knees.Â
Heâs lucky that youâre too concentrated on your workout to feel the heat of his stare. Your phone rests on its side in front of you, an episode of a show playing to distract you while you run. Earphones in to block out the noise. He knows Ghost would tell him to correct that. Canât have his omega distracted while alphas lurk nearby waiting to dig their teeth into the supple lump of flesh sitting tantalizing just below the collar of your shirtâ
A bead of sweat runs down his temple and his dick twitches in his sweats.Â
There are cuffs in his gym bag. Tools of the trade. Itâs not as innocent as he lets himself think, but theyâre there in case things go sideways. Sideways like if you take one look at him and run the other way when you notice the way his half-lidded eyes barely blink as he stares at you.Â
And he canât have that. Not now that heâs found you.Â
His patience is unwavering when the circumstances call for it. Itâs a skill he picked up in the service, learning to channel all of the frenetic energy coursing through him into a tight point at the back of his mind, compressing it all down to a singularity that later heâll allow to expand and burn itself out like a dying star.Â
Not now though. Now he sits and he watches and he waits.
He stares at your ass while you run, crossfaded on his alphaâs slabbering hunger and his own need to wrench those leggings down your hips. When he has the luxury of time, heâll tie you to his bed by your wrists and ankles, belly down to make it easier on him, and sink his teeth into the flesh of your ass until itâs tender to the touch, until even ghosting his hand over your ass makes you squirm and weep.Â
Even the thought has a growl rumbling at the back of his throat.Â
Youâre not a very fast runner, but youâre quick enough. Like a rabbit, Johnny thinks and nearly laughs at his own joke. A distracted one at that, too concerned with whatâs in front of you to notice whatâs lurking right behind.Â
No matter. He sits and he waits.Â
Eventually, the treadmill starts to slow down, and with it, you. Panting to catch your breath. Fingers trembling when you pause the video on your phone and scrub a towel down your face to wipe off the sweat.Â
And for once the entire gym smells of nothing but a honeyed sweetness. Spun sugar and strawberry Angel Delight. Intoxicating and heady. It permeates the building, dragging him deeper into a drugged haze, dulling his senses, plugging his ears with cotton until the only thing he can hear is the sound of your rabbit-quick heartbeat going bump-bump-bump in your chest.
You must have been finishing your workout with a light jog because when the treadmill comes to a complete stop, you take another second to catch your breath and then step off to the side, draping your towel around the back of your neck and heading for the locker room.Â
Johnny feels himself rise to his feet but thereâs no consciousness behind it. No intent beyond primordial reflex, prey drive kicking in when you try getting away. He forgets about everything elseâthe employee at the front desk, his gym bag next to him. His knees donât even crack for once, the movement fluid, and when he follows you towards the locker room, his feet hardly make a sound.Â
Itâs to his advantage that you havenât noticed him yet, but heâll deal with that soon enough. The locked room door swings shut behind you and thereâs a second where he hesitates, better thoughts creeping past his alpha to whisper in his ear that he doesnât have to do it this way. Heâs never had trouble with an omega beforeâwhy use force now?
And then he hears a locker slam shut on the other side and instinct takes over.Â
Youâre half-undressed in the middle of the locker room when he walks in, clad only in your panties and bra, and his world narrows down to that moment. Everything in his life has led him to this. Like a red sea parting; the universe suddenly giving him a sign, beckoning him forth.Â
The door swings shut behind him and your ears twitch at the noise.Â
Heâs done this before in another life. Three strides and he slips right up behind you, arms winding around your front to pull you into his chest and covering your mouth with his hand. You freeze for a split second before going haywire, flailing in his hold, his hand muffling your screams.
âShh, itâs just me, doe,â Johnny shushes you, arms constricting around you. Relishing the feeling of your body against his, warmer and softer than he imagined.Â
You shriek behind his hand, twisting in his hold and trying with all your might to break free. Simple thoughts for simple creatures. Even when you try to bite his hand, Johnny only coos, cock swelling at the feeling of your tongue on his skin. The little kittenish licks just rile him up. He likes it less when you try to headbutt him, narrowly missing his nose when you throw your head back.Â
When he dips his nose into the crook of your neck, he canât help the growl that slips out of him.
âEnough oâ thaâ,â Johnny growls, words reverberating with his annoyance.Â
The sound makes you still, prey instincts as sharp as his. Smart girl. You know when not to push your luck. Heâs bigger and stronger, and his teeth are precariously close to your mating gland, which sits nestled in the crook of your neck.Â
He breathes in. Your scent is strongest there, at the base of your neck. A delicate layer of skin and then underneath it, your blood sings. Whispers praises high and sweet to him. A shuddering breath out.Â
You mumble something behind his hand. Tremble violently, your nails digging into his forearm with a biting sting.Â
He shushes you again. âNoâ here, babyâgotta take ye somewhere more private.âÂ
He pays no mind to the way you resume your screaming behind his hand as drags you deeper into the locker room and away from the door. Hardly needs to use any of his real strength, only a fraction of it. The fight you put up would almost be endearing, would almost make him go thatta girl and nip at the tip of your nose, if not for the way it triggers his instincts, an innate urge to dominate you into submission.Â
It isnât hard to wrestle you to the floor in the showers. Like play fighting, all bark and whine and keen, teeth snapping an inch from his nose until he pins you under him, snarling right in your face until you submit. That gets you to stop making a fuss. The last thing he wants is to deal with a front desk employee trying to play the hero by pulling him off you. Not that anyone could. Heâd rather this not end in bloodshed.Â
âThaâs better,â Johnny growls. âJusâ be nice, aâright?â
You shiver at his words, eyes wide and petrified, darting all over his face. Even tinged with your fear, how could he not preen under your gaze now that youâre getting a proper look at him? He knows what he looks likeârugged and strong, mohawk recently cleaned up and beard freshly trimmed. Not a behemoth like Ghost, but big for an alpha, broad shouldered and beefy.Â
Big for an alpha in a couple different ways, he leers.
âDonât hurt me,â you whimper, and that breaks his heart. How could he ever? How could he ever look at something as perfect as you and want to ruin it? His chest aches at the thought.Â
âNo, baby,â he whines, nuzzling his nose into the side of your face. âAh would never, baby, never. Dinnae be scared. Ahâm noâ gonna hurt you, doe.âÂ
He drags his nose down the length of your head, running his tongue over the rounded corner of your jaw. Your sweat tastes of wet roses and tart jam. Still intoxicating, but wrong, sour and sodden with fear. It makes his skin itch and his shoulders tense. You shouldnât be scared of him; his omega should never be scared of him.Â
âYe cannae smell it, doe?â he asks, pressing a soft kiss into your neck, lingering there so he can feel your pulse flutter against his lips. âAh can⊠Cannae smell a damn thing else when yer around. Sâall ah can think about.â
âWhat are you talking about?â you whisper, so frightened that you can barely squeeze the words out, fear choking you. He canât stand it. The thought that you might find him dangerous makes his throat burn, agony ripping his chest open and yanking his insides out.Â
He braces himself up on his forearms and forces his hand under your head, lifting your head up off the tile floor.
âHow do ah smell, doe?â Johnny rasps, shoving your face into his neck and holding you there until you have no choice but to inhale. He feels the way you shudder when you do, hands spasming against his chest. âSmells good, doesnât it? Just breathe it in, doe.â
You do, shakily. Then a deeper inhale, filling your lungs with his scent.Â
âIâoh godââ you groan, your hands suddenly fisting in Johnnyâs shirt and dragging him closer.Â
âJesus,â he curses through clenched teeth, dizzy with lust. He goes with it, laying more of his body weight on top of you, hind brain taking over.
A long, deep inhale. Your nose digs into his neck. âWhat is that?â you whine.Â
âSâthe best thing in the fuckinâ world.â An understatement. Johnnyâs eyelids fall shut when your tongue pokes out to lightly graze his neck.Â
So much pent up emotion and anguish and want only for it suddenlyâ
stop.
Motion succumbing to instinct, to fate. Everything else is collateral damage when fate gets in the way.Â
Your hands fisted in his shirt, scent ripening, fear replaced with something elseâstill sharp, but charged. Hesitant because you shouldnât want thisâit shouldnât even be a thought in your head to indulge the strange man who wrestled you to the floor and forced you to scent him, but then you get a good whiff of him and that thought shakes like television static, like a mirage, like a glass surface wobbling right before it breaksâ
When he pulls back, the world is different.Â
Youâre glassy eyed, so pliant now that he could do anything to you, anything at all. And then his eyes dip lower.Â
He cups your neck with a clammy hand and strokes a finger over the lovely gland at the crook of your neck. Itâs warm to the touch.Â
âLook aâ this,â he breathes, awed. Your hand flies to his wrist, fingers barely able to wrap around it.Â
âD-donât touch it,â you choke out, swallowing harshly. It has to be sensitive. Still, Johnny canât keep from stroking his finger over it again, soaking up the way his touch makes you shiver. Poor thing, gone so long without your alphaâs touch.Â
âAh cannae help it, doe,â Johnny whispers. He switches to his thumb, rubbing the pad of it over your gland until you whine and squirm, eyebrows drawn tight together. âDoes it hurt, baby? Do ye need me tae make it better?â
You whine, trying to weakly bat his hand away. âN-no, thatâs for my alphaââÂ
âAye, thaâs right.â His eyes gleam fulgurite under the fluorescent lights. âFer yer alpha.â
He digs his thumb in harder until your mouth opens on a silent cry.Â
His alpha drools a messy puddle beneath his skin, jowls sagging. It stares without blinking.Â
Itâs different than lust or bloodthirst. Darker; deep-seated. Heâs never felt this way before, and, if his gut feeling proves true, he never will again. Itâs like looking down a vast, dark hall, and seeing only one way out.Â
A damp shower room floor in a locker room is no place for him to take his omega for the first time, but he couldnât lift himself off you if he tried. His muscles feel far too heavy, like lead weights dragging him down, the gravity stronger here somehow.
âLetâs get this off,â he murmurs, sitting back on his haunches.
âWaitâwait, not here, alpha, pleaseââ
Your protests fall on deaf ears. He wrenches your bra over your head, mindful not to let the back of your head smack against the tile floor. âGentle, gentleâthere we go. Thaâs a good girl.â
Your panties come next, stripped off and tossed elsewhere. His lips follow the path of his hands, sucking kisses into your hips and thighs until your fingers thread into his hair and yank. He yelps, scalp tingling with pain.
âDo thaâ again, doe,â Johnny purrs, shuddering when you do. Eyes rolling back in his head.
His world tilts on its axis when he forces your legs apart and stares at the perfect slice of heaven between your thighs.Â
âDoe.â Voice broken, shredded. Running his thumb up the seam of your lips and moaning when your hole clenches at his touch and a drop of slick leaks out. âOh, doeâŠsheâs soâŠâÂ
Too awestruck for words. Language is beyond his grasp, too inadequate for the feelings coursing through him. Lacklustre, diaphanous thing. Thereâs no way to describe the feeling of leaning forward and touching his lips to yours, angling his head to give her a proper kiss, one with tongue and feeling. She kisses him back just as passionately.Â
The taste of you is incomparable. He canât believe he ever thought there was a world where he could subsist on just the smell of you. Impossible now that heâs had you on his tongue. He runs it up the seam of your pussy, the flat of his tongue spread wide to catch every honeyed dewdrop clinging to your skin, sucking each fold into his mouth to be extra thorough. The pearl sitting nice and pretty at the top gets a wet kiss for waiting so long for his touch.Â
He pulls back for a second to catch his breath. âSo pretty, baby,â Johnny whines, pulling the hood of your clit up with his thumb and sucking her into his mouth.
âOh my godââÂ
He buries his face into your cunt, the bridge of his nose wedged against your clit and making you howl. He doesnât budge even when you practically wrench his hair out by the roots, too committed to making your pussy squirt all over his face. Not an easy task with the way you keep trying to push him away from your cunt, but Johnnyâs always risen to any challenge.Â
You howl when he wedges his tongue in as deep as itâll go, thighs clamping around his head. Not a bad way to go, Johnny thinks in a daze, chin wet with your juices and nose nuzzling your sensitive little clit, making your whole body jolt. He can tell youâre close by the way your thighs spasm and your scent goes marzipan sweet, so lush and rich that his swollen cock leaks in his sweatpants.
Itâs easy to get lost in your pleasure; Johnny feels it like itâs his own, his low back aching with the force of your impending orgasm. He misses your clit too much to let her get lonely though, so he lets go of your hip to push a couple fingers into your hole instead of his tongue.Â
âCâmon, doe, lemme see ye come,â he whines into your pussy, thrusting all three fingers into your hole, half-lidded eyes with blown out pupils watching the way your pussy gobbles them up. âJust like thaââoh, there we go, baby, oh my god, come on, yesâlemme have it, doeââ
Your release is wet on his hand and all over his face. Little pussy still milking his fingers, the prettiest thing heâs ever seen.Â
A hush falls over the room, the moment almost devotional. He thinks you might be crying, but itâs hard to tell because the blood in his ears is too loud and his hand is wet with your come and he wants nothing more than to do it all over again until you canât even talk.Â
He rises to his feet in a daze, a deep red flush high on his cheekbones. His shirt comes off first, pulled over the back of his head and tossed behind him; his sweats are similarly discarded, tugged down and kicked away until youâre staring up at him in all his hairy, naked glory, cock flush with blood and heavy, drooping away from his stomach. Â
He laughs when he notices where your gaze has dropped. âLike what ye see?â
âI donât know about thisââ you start, but he pays your words no mind.Â
âCâmere,â he growls, suppressing the urge to wince when he drops to his knees again.
Johnny hooks an arm under your low back, hoisting your hips up until your ass rests against his thighs, making your back arch. It thrusts your tits up towards his face and he nearly goes cross-eyed staring down at your cute little nipples. They look lonely too.Â
He gets distracted again, forgetting about sinking his cock in your cunt in favour of hunching over to get his mouth on your tits. Sucks one until it's hard and pebbled against his tongue and circles his tongue over the soft areola skin, completely forgetting about your other breast. Itâs hard to pull himself off.Â
You yelp when he bites down, not hard enough to hurt, but deliberate enough to tick you off.Â
âThatâs too rough!â you hiss, grabbing him by the hair again.Â
âSorry,â Johnny gasps. He nuzzles between your breasts, practically purring. âAhâm so sorry, doe, ah couldnae help myselfâŠâ
Puppyish, he leans up to bunt his head under your chin, shuddering when your fingers loosen and hesitantly scratch his head.Â
ââŠOkayâŠâ you murmur, overwhelmed. He ignores you, too content with nuzzling into your neck while you run your nails over his scalp.
Being this close to you after weeks of nothing is almost enough. The air reeks with your scent. If it werenât for the ugly, festering ache in his belly, heâd be tempted to skip straight to this. Roll onto his back and pull you onto his chest, press his nose to the crown of your head and breathe in until it lulls him right to sleep. Maybe get a good belly scratch at the same time.
Then he inhales and the scent of your come on his chin makes his spine go stiff. Drool leaks from the corner of his mouth.
It canât wait anymore. The thing under his skin shakes with hunger, its greed a ravenous, frothing appetite that goes mindless when it waits for its food. Do it. Do it now.
He braces a hand against the tile floor to lift himself up and pets your cheek with his free hand. âAhâm gonna put it in now, okay, doe?âÂ
And he means it too, stomach cramping with eager anticipation, knot already filling up at the base of his dickâstill small enough to pop it into your hole, but not for much longerâbecause itâs everything heâs dreamt of since he first caught your scent in the air.Â
That must not be the case for you.Â
When you twist onto your belly and try to scramble away, he stares dumbly for a second before seeing red. Johnny crawls after you, dragging you back by your ankle when you get a bit too far away and flipping you over again. You hiss when the back of your head smashes against the floor, hands reaching up to cradle it instinctively.Â
You get it snarled right in your face, his anger erupting out of him like a geyser, like a dense fog rolling down from the mountains and spreading to everything below. âYe dinnae fuckinâ move.â
âI-Iâm sorry,â you breathe.Â
Even consumed by rage, he can smell your terror. Putrid, not the soft sweetness of your usual scent. Thereâs pain there too, and it makes his muscles tense like heâs ready to spring. Itâs what brings his alpha to the surface, the scorch of anger cooling slowly as you lie there trembling.Â
It doesnât feel good, but he canâtâhe canât let you go.Â
His hands flutter over your face, squeezing your cheeks and leaning down to plant kiss after soft kiss on your lips. âDoe, please, ye cannae do thaââŠah wanna be gentle, but ah cannae control myself if yeââ Johnny canât bring himself to say it, the image too painful to contemplate. Thereâs no reason on Earth that his omega should be trying to run away from him.
âO-okay, alphaâŠIâŠIâll be good.âÂ
His self-control is hairstring thin. âYer just nervous, right? Thaâ why ye tried tae run?â
âI-Iâm just nervous, alpha.â Itâs a neat trick, repeating his words back to him in order to calm him down. It works.Â
His chest deflates as he kneels there over you. Johnny stares into your eyes a few seconds longer, a subtle reminder not to fucking move, before he sits up again, rolling his shoulders back and tugging your lower half in again.Â
This time when he notches the head of his cock against your entrance, you whisper oh god oh god oh god to yourself but you donât try to run. It must seem inevitableâno way to fight him off or talk him out of it because thereâs a film over his eyes that reflects nothing back.Â
And then he slowly sinks his cock into you, your hole stretching around the mushroomed head. His jaw rolls on a shaky exhale.
Something in him cracks wide open andâ
something ugly slithers out.
âOh fuck,â he moans, voice cracking. His cock sinks in another inch, warm, wet heat sucking him in. âJesus, doe, ah cannae fuckinâ breatheââ
You flex your hips at his words, ankles digging into the divots above his arse and pulling him in until he suddenly bottoms out, cock stuffed to the root in the warmest, snuggest cunt heâs ever felt. It nearly makes him go mad; he gets so close to it that his face goes numb, the blood pounding in his ears. He curls over you, a string of curses slipping out of his mouth.Â
Youâre there when Johnny opens his eyes again, damp hair haloing you.Â
âIâm sorry,â you whisper, a tear slipping past your waterline and dribbling down your face. âI donât know whatâs wrong with meââ
âItâs okay, doe.â His hands run up and down your sides, soothing you. âSâjust instinct. Ye cannae help it any more than ah can.â
Your walls squeeze around his shaft, nerves making you tense up, and Johnny groans, his hand curling into a fist by your head. It takes every iota of his being not to come right then, buried to the hilt in your pussy with your ankles digging into his low back. He nearly does when you whine at him to move.Â
âOkay, baby,â he breathes.Â
Johnny tries to be gentle at first. Makes a conscious effort to rock into you with slow, smooth strokes, distracting you with a deep, wet kiss. Lips gliding together, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth only to graze it with his teeth, heat rushing through him when you tremble. Coaxing your tongue into his mouth and then sucking on it.
His control starts to slip when he tries to pull out and your ankles dig into his back, pulling him back in. The force of his next thrust makes your body shift, sliding up the wet floor. Too much. Be gentle. But he canâtâthe pressure in his core gets worse the longer he fucks you, an eagerness to reach his end building and building. All he can do is chase it. Bite at its heels.Â
âYer so pretty,â he rasps, petting your face with shaky hands and bucking his hips into yours until you canât hold back your pretty little moans. âPretty, pretty doe. Ahâve got ye, love.â
A few more like that, pounding into you until you squeak like a toy and he laughs, breathless and full of mirth. Buoyant. Revelling in the sound of you coming apart under him, all fractured pleas and kiss-swollen lips.Â
Perfect angel, all sweetness and moans and cream coating his cock, gleaming under the fluorescent lights every time he pulls out.Â
Thereâs a white ring at the base of his dick from the mess of your combined fluids. Johnny nearly passes out when he notices.Â
His bad knee aches from digging into the tile floor. Heâll feel it in the morning when he wakes up with bruises on his elbows and shins, muscles stiff and twinging when he moves, but itâs a price heâll happily pay to keep his pretty doe on her back with her legs spread.Â
Any lingering guilt about fucking you on the gross shower room floor evaporates the more you pant and the wetter you get because, he rationalizes, on some level you must want him just as bad. Not with the same fervour, not a bone bright ache that sucks you dry and spits you out like a peach pit, but close enough that you arenât pushing him away anymore.Â
He ignores the weak pressure on his shoulders. Pries your hands off so he can pin your wrists together over your head.Â
âBeen lookinâ fer ye fer so long,â Johnny croons. He ruts into you clumsily, losing any semblance of finesse. âSmelt ye weeks ago ân knewâŠknew ah had tae have ye.â
Your eyes fly open, stunned. âWeeks?â you gasp.
âThought ahâd lose my fuckinâ mind lookinâ fer ye.â His breath comes out ragged. âCouldnae sleep or eat or do anythinâ except jerk my cock raw. Shouldâve saved it all up fer ye, butâŠâ his laughter is a deep, brassy thing. ââŠyeâll still get a fair share.â
âYouâre disgusting,â you moan, and that makes him laugh even more, rutting into you like a beast.
âChrist, doe, keep runninâ that mouth.â
âYouâre aââ
dumb, nasty dog
sick in the head, fucking me with that big, fat dickâ
He grunts and his lip pulls back in a mean, crooked grin.Â
Itâs never been like this before. Like someone drilled a hole in the side of his head and filled it up with you. Youâre in every crevice of his mind and body, mycorrhizal tendril spreading through him.
âAhâm gonna ruin yer pretty cunt, doe,â Johnny rasps, neck soaked with sweat and eyes burning hot, pupils blown so wide only a glimmer of blue remains. âGet her nice ân soaked with my come.â
âAlphaââ you keen, for lack of anything else to call him and it makes his vision go blank.Â
Thatâs the only truth that matters to him. Like a divine callingâhis omega begging for him, asking for more more more. Itâs as close to love as heâs ever gotten; as close to heaven as he ever will.Â
Diving headfirst into oblivion. He clamps his hands around your waist to hold you in place and fucks into you with renewed vigour, losing himself in the pleasure. Any coherent thought evaporates, reduced to mindless instinct. His beast and him are indistinguishable; two sides of the same coin; he looms over you Janus-faced, a god of beginnings and endings.Â
He breathes out heavily through his nose, teeth gritting together and lips pulled into a flat line. So close to it, knot catching more with every thrust, almost too big to pull out.Â
The smack of his hips against yours fill his ears, drowning out your pleading and keening. Seismic motions churning beneath the tile floor keep a steady pulse. The lewd squelch of your pussy nearly drives him madâslick running down your thighs, pooling onto the floor beneath you, this place irrevocably changed because of your matingâÂ
If only youâd squirt on his dick too, he could die happy. Scream out alpha, alpha, alpha until you shudder and come.
And you do eventuallyâmilk his dick filthy sweet and cling onto him for dear life, nails scoring red lines into the flesh of his back. His muscles bunching under your touch.Â
âFuck, doe,â Johnny chokes, near tears himself. His perfect girl coming all over his cock, eyes rolling back in your head like itâs never been like this for you before. âThaâs right, thaâs rightâsuch a good fuckinâ girlâoh, babyââ
You need him. No other alpha can take care of you he would. Itâs not enough that he fuck you, not enough that he make you come, not enough that he see you through your next heat, he has toâ
Take it all for himself, every last fuckinâ inch of you his.
He bears down on you, scooping his arms under your back until thereâs no space between you, chests pressed together.Â
His eyes zero in on it. The nodule of flesh at the crook of your neck. And his teeth itch like theyâve never itched before, too large for his mouth.Â
âAlphaââ you sob, squirming in his hold. âAlphaâtoo tightââ
He canât respond. Mouth full of drool and teeth, fucking you harder than you should be fucked, cockhead trying to kiss your cervix with every thrust. Heâd crawl inside of you if he could. His thrusts only slow when his knot finally catches, the pressure making you sob when he tries to pull out and he canât, stuck inside you. Lazy grinds of his hips now, getting as deep as possible.Â
Itâs a shock to his system so profound that he canât stop shaking. His first knotâbetter than a ring, more binding than a marriage contract. The most basic, ancient covenant. Irrevocable.Â
Andâit feelsâ
Indescribable. His thoughts leak from his ears like tar. Eager, fevered. Eyes fixed on your mating gland, dropping his head to get a better view. Better up close, so close that his teeth graze it every time he pants, so sharp that one wrong move and theyâll slice right through, one twitch and itâs game overâ
You mewl and arch your chest, inadvertently thrusting your neck up too, so his canine drags across your glandâ
mine mine mine mine mine mine
The beast under his skin has a name and itâsâ
mine mine mine mine mine mine
(and his teeth just slipped, heâll say when you ask)
Ah dinnae mean tae, doe, honestâ
But ahâll take care of yeâ
Youâll never understand it, but thereâs a beast that lives under his skin and itâ
âyearns, craves, hungers, howls like its belly is still empty even after all this time, constantly aching no matter how much itâs fedâ
Sometimes Johnny wonders if itâs like this for other alphas. Whether they crave their mates with the same intensity, the same burning need smoldering in their veins. He asks Price once and gets an answer that neither confirms nor denies.Â
All Johnny knows is that your legs shake when you follow him out of the gym, the employee behind the front desk not meeting his eyes. Better that he not. Thereâs still blood and come on his chin, his grey sweats stained at the crotch. Youâre no better, shirtless under your puffy jacket, hat jammed on a bit too low on your head because he had to be the one to put you back together after taking you apart.Â
And though heâs sheepish on the drive homeâbecause whatâs his is yours now, and whatâs yours is hisâyour car still back in the parking lot until he can get someone to pick it up in the morning, he wears guilt like sheepâs clothing. It doesnât fit quite right.Â
âWeâll get ye a nice wedding gift tomorrow,â he placates when you huff, thumbing your swollen bottom lip at the next stoplight. Itâs tempting to lean in and suck it into his mouth, even now.Â
âIâm gonna max out your fucking credit cards,â you mumble, scowling at him. Still, you wrap your lips around his thumb when he slips it into your mouth.Â
You cup your hand over your punctured mating gland in lieu of a bandage.Â
Johnny cackles. Man plans and God laughs.
In the distance, thunder rumbles and your head turns towards the sound that only you and he can hear.