#celestial vents

[celestialbitch-art]

This is just for myself, I'll post it but it's just to feel slightly better. This is a vent and I'm not sugar coating it: I'm spiralling a bit now that I don't have a therapist...

Another Juno don't read, I'd rather you not see this

It's so weird seeing Juno mention me (without saying it's me) in his posts to vent and I'm just left here going "wha?"

Like I get it, 1000%, but also why didn't he just tell me dating me was making him feel sick?? Why did he let us date for as long as he did if the idea made him nauseous???

I thought I made it clear I was perfectly fine with being told no so why did he feel obligated??? Why did he just say he needed to work on himself??? Was he letting me down slowly as to not hurt me??? (That went greatly if that is the case)

Do I have like a hostile energy around me so he didn't want to tell me no??? Ik I can be a bit intense but I didn't think I was super intense that saying no will be bad

He clearly wasn't feeling good and I couldn't tell, he clearly didn't like the idea of dating he fucking told me and I selfishly went "oh that's okay we can still try!" I clearly wasn't paying attention and focused on myself if THIS is how he was feeling

I feel fucking awful for putting him through this, sure ig he learned more about himself thanks to us being together, but I still did this to him even if unintentionally

Jesus I normally feel awesome about being able to read ppl even over text but I'm clearly not as good at that either if I couldn't tell he was just ughhhh

Omg and I fucking told him I was suicidal like an idiot after our breakup, I probably made him feel even worse idk. Idk how he was feeling after I said that since I said I needed space to calm down since I was sobbing for days

God I shouldn't have said shit about how I was feeling, we wouldn't be in this damn mess if I didn't decide then I'll actually follow through with a stupid crush which I can't even remember if it was actually a crush or me being confused with a friend crush again

This is what I fucking get for thinking dating someone is a good idea, I clearly am not ready for that and probably never will be. God now I feel like I'm making it about myself, Juno was just venting and I spin it and make it all about me cause I'm a selfish cunt. Not everything is about me even if I'm mentioned

Man I really need to get back into therapy this is so bad and I wouldn't be posting this if I had someone to talk to irl but here we are

I'm probably just not gonna be online today after posting this, I'm just gonna be on magma to draw as per usual

[celestialbitch-art]

Ah fuck it, gonna post something very uncomfortable but I'm mentally drained (warning for SA, a bit of tmi, and definitely swearing)

This is a very..... Personal post that I'll delete later (probably) I'm just done with fucking having this weight on my shoulders bc of a fuckass (this is one way to learn more about a moot)

Literally wtf was wrong with my "dad" (dare I say his name??)

Why did he have to take pictures of me, made me feel afraid to say no cause he'd go after my brother, manipulated me into not telling my Mom cause it would "be my fault that he went to jail" (he said something different to my bro), make me feel terrible that I haven't forgiven him after 6 years, make me watch porn for fucks sake

I was fucking 9-10! I shouldn't have known any half of the stuff I did, I shouldn't have wanted to cut off my hands just because I touched myself (ik tmi but literally ugh), I shouldn't have had nightmares that he'd go after my sister, nightmares of him coming to me in the middle of the night to do stuff

I've given him about 20% of my forgiveness, no more no less, not for him but for me.

I'm so fucking happy he's in jail, probably getting his ass beat, he was a terrible husband and a shitty father and idc what he went through I shouldn't have gone through this!

Fuck you bastard, see you in 60 years if you're still alive!

[celestialbitch-art]

My Mom knows my Tumblr...

[celestialbitch-art]

Idk what to say here lol, cause idc if Juno sees this anymore

Alright so I sent Juno a text. Long story short, I'm not friends with him anymore, I felt like I owed that to myself after finally realizing a few things that Humble, Kal, and Junkie mentioned (mostly thanks to my irl friend)

So yeah I already feel bad but eh whatever I'll probably be happy in the long run and that's all that matters :3

I couldn't be mean in the text I sent tho, like I wanted to be but ik I'd feel like absolute shit if I tried lmao

[celestialbitch-art]

I just can't believe my cousin turned into the "person who cried rape"

[celestialbitch-art]

Aaaaanddddddd hard to breath what the actual fuck

[celestialbitch-art]

Love being a failure

Anyway how are you gays and aroaces

[celestialbitch-art]

Great more hypotheticals with my Mom where in this hypothetical situation I'm doing something I'd absolutely not do in the real world and get yelled at for it

Of course I didn't get yelled at when she was DIRECTLY next to my ear this time (keyword: this time) so there's a plus outta this