she remembers– happy that it seems to never fade away, the first memory of how was life with her father. how she were with her father. how tomie was undoubtedly a clingy kid when it comes to her father. she remembers her first notebook, a pencil, and a smile she wore when her father told little tomie she needs to learn how to write her name, acknowledging the meaning of a name. she remembers him wrote the kanji of komatsu tomie, she remembers it was hard to repeat those strokes but he guided her.
in france, she remembers ever holding her father's hand because the winter was cruel, when he rubbed her hand to spark even more heat, the same smile bloomed on her face. she remembers the photo they took, asking a stranger if they could help– all three of them, tomie in her father's arms and her mom rested on their side. so close and warm were they were surrounded with the cruel winter. and jesslyn remembers how everything changed.
if to ask questions why it did, she doesn't know why. how. what changed? all she remembers was how the distance stretched them apart. she grew far away from all of it she thought she would always have it close to her.
jesslyn thought the memory will fade along with the years passed by. torn in two, her feelings; she didn't want to remember them all, she wanted to keep it still in the carnal of her heart. the feeling of wanting to be loved was never weak, worn out it was ever be but she was happy the memories never fade.
****
the muffled roar of a car approaches closer as it grows louder with the screeching, the tires sliding on the wet pavement, making its way through the bend. jesslyn has been watching with wary with this endurance race, the weather is not helping. the schedules were set, there are non existent gaps in between where she could squeeze another date to follow up with the race. the team messed up with the launching date and she decided to not put a hand into it, to let them take a responsibility of a mistake they made, she still managed to attend this endurance race nonetheless, providing a major safety with the fact of letting the racer drive on a wet tracks.
"good work." jesslyn looks on her back, finding her father walking close to her. she inhales the freezing wind until it stings her nostrils, she averts his eyes. she sets back on the car approaching slower to the crowd with a deep rumble, a heaven noise.
"you should be praising the racer." she turns to her heels, stepping away from the previous spot as her father catches up to her side. in the brief moment of her looking down to her feet, she spots her father's hand on his sides, a complicated sensation kicks in then she squeezes hers back in the warm of her own coat's pockets.
jesslyn spent a quite long time thanking the durability test team as well as the racer who happily took part of the race, her father does the same but she does not care to act like they came up here together to work on something whatsoever. as people left, leaving the space empty but a car and a father and daughter, she stands on the side of the car, lining up her arm with the top of the window, "yeah, i did a good job too." she looks down on the new gtr and smiles, knowing this assembled metal, iron and machines are the result of a hard work, lack of sleep, lots of coffee and cigarette break. "thank you, dad."
he smiles. jesslyn sees it only for a moment as he moves to sit on the edge of the hood. silent strikes and she doesn't mind, sure her father too don't mind either. they're used to it. she remembers how silent became normal, standing in between a father and daughter who used to have at least something to talk. if someone would say tomie is a cheery, chatty kid with a smart mouth, no one would believe it and she understands, it doesn't matter anymore.
she remembers her first ride with the ae86, through the mountain in osaka, a fresh, beautiful scenery and window down, wind against her face, splitting her fringe in half making her face as round as an orange her father would laugh at her. she remembers him hoisted her up on top of the hood, sitting there as her father took several pictures of her. pain isn't what growing in her chest now but a question in her head, how does everything feel so strange now? it's like, those memories were never there yet they are too vivid to even be something she made up. she never made them up. they are real. she treasured them dearly. in the carnal of her heart.
"i will be back to kyoto." she breaks the silent, sliding to her father's side sitting on the hood. just like that day, staring at the summer sky. she notices her father nods, a faint smile on his face which she takes personally as the same as the one she saw back in osaka when he was looking at the pictures he took of her.
"how bad is it that she had to move away and stayed in okinawa?" jes has to put away her cellphone and stare at the screen over the silent that's lingering too long on the other side, brows knitting when it shows she's still on the line with her dad. she continues the quietness, keeping her one hand busy with some documents, when the door of her office clicks open at the same time jun clears her throat, jes rises her hand to signal her secretary as the woman dips back out of the door.
"there was a man lingering outside the residence few days ago. it was rather a bad decision and strategy if the purpose laid on spying the family. we got rid of him but i can't stay still and keep your mother in danger so i reassured she will be much safer in okinawa."
she gulps hard, stopping on her track with the papers as she rubs her temples trying to not let the headache get in to her.
"so kyoto and osaka are empty now?" jes takes a little stroll around her office, anxiety slowly build in as every word delivered by her father is nothing but more into a mess she had never imagine to be in the way.
"she'll be safe." the little reassurance erases just a bit amount of weight but it feels better than nothing. jes nods at his voice, "she has to. and how about you?" she paces another stroll, back and forth, heels clicking softly on the surface.
"i'll be flying to new york tomorrow." the previous meeting with the company's biggest shareholder hits back as she realizes it is the reason of her father soon arrival in the city. jiro indeed made such a scene during jesslyn's first grand meeting with the shareholders. his ways of putting her in the mud was almost successful, with accusations of favouritism over professionalism inside the clan, and one thing about jes not having enough experience in the field of the family's multinational manufacturer, which, it was enough to drive some of the people attending the meeting to question her ability. however, bad fortune wasn't on her side that day. she used the moment to drag him in the mud with her, might as well be done with it, while his credibility is creating a lot more questions than what he accused of her, the lack of mannerism and stained history of her own uncle with the company back in the 2019 helped into it.
"if only your brother is nothing like a greedy pig."
"tomie." she smiles wickedly at her father's tones of warning her. anger from weeks ago comes crushing back at the memory of how jiro almost ruin down her moment.
"oh, but you would agree, daddy." she walks towards the front of her desk, resting her bottom there after wearing out her legs with the little stroll she did out of her anxiety. while jun stunned at his own daughter on the other side of line, thinking of where does the attitude comes from: the sarcasm hitting a rightful spot, completely neglecting it's the fact that it's all copied from him, which the only difference is how jes delivers it more forwardly and bold with her choice of words.
"you do not worry, sir, i did amazing for the rest of the meeting despite that little pest on the floor, i didn't mind getting my hands dirty to flick it away." jun continues to be struck with no words but again, he cannot reply a word of to warn the choice of a language his daughter chooses since she is telling a train of facts and nothing else. jes rotates in her heels, walking few steps as she sits back in her chair, "renault was nothing but delightful with every single thing. they were not completely distracted with uncle jiro, however, i had a small additional talk about his accusations but they were only making sure things are handled. they knew, at least on their part, you made the right choice." jes straightens her posture when her secretary with eyes pleading saying she has no more option to hold back another schedule as the phonecall stays too long than she expected. she takes the folder her secretary offers and her laptop clutched tight to her side as the woman ushers her to walk out and telling jes she will get the rest of her remaining works handled. jesslyn hushes a small thank you at her as she clicks away fast in her step.
"i know you're sick with my words that i wish you'd still be in charge and i still need time with this responsibility but," she stops in front of the glass door of her next meeting, sighing through her nose, "those wishes still stand. and i'm sure all this would never happen. i don't mind backfiring your brother and step on his dignity all over again but if all this endangering mom and... you... i don't want it."
jun creates much more silent than jes ever created during phonecalls, there are seconds of no words before he speaks and replying back.
"you are doing amazing. keep it up. i know you can."
her head drops, staring at her feet before she lifts herself up, knowing the respond would never be satisfying to her nerves. "of course." she forces a smile to herself, ending the call with her thumb pressing too harsh on the screen.
the inner tension of the komatsu family is up still, it's all coming from the two brothers with their parents' favouritism that tomie once thought it's pretty much understandable but still has a pinch of wrongness in it. the man she met before, her father's older brother, komatsu jiro who as far as she knows him is a hardworking person—well, everyone is hardworking with a motivation. and he does have one, which, the elderlies in the komatsu house very much against his vision. being the oldest gave him everything shoved down his self that he had to carry and the perks is what he'd be holding in the future in his two hands, wealth kept him going. the old style of this family, and favouritism of male gender as a perfect picture for an heir for the future of the company was one of the requirement he could not fullfill. not even a daughter he could give in. a bargain once happened for if, he will have a son from a mistress, that being the company will have to fall in his hands for him to lead. and of course it could not one to be accepted but he tried. he had a son. as the elderlies was welcomed with the news, knowing it's a result of a forced affair, they gave him a condition which he accepted with no question because the man do not care about nothing but to be stepping on the position he desired for.
tomie was born a year after the news. her mother sentenced to a very heartbreaking fact that she will never be able to have anymore child. tomie did bring hopes, despite being a daughter inside a house full of misogynistic, old brains, sexist men, they were still desperate for a proper heir by the eyes of public and law to run their legacy.
jiro was raging with the news and rumors around him about jun's daughter to be expected as the next heir of the company as tomie served a level above perfectness of her intelligence, just like her father, while jiro's son was not even near her progress. he knew in that moment he had lost an opportunity. just as worst expected, a solid decision was made for jun to be appointed as the company's ceo, followed by jiro as the vice president which of course, he wasn't very satisfied with the spot.
and there the story continued with jun moving out of the komatsu residence for the sake of his little family and his desire to keep things hidden about tomie, his next in line to run the company, and for another reason of him not wanting his brother, jiro, to have any idea about his daughter. jun had noticed what no one couldn't seem to see how jiro put such a massive despise for his daughter and god knows what he would do, a person like him who would never be satisfied is wicked.
yokohama, august 23rd
as soon as she arrives in front of her office, her steps halted over the voice loud enough for a room that pretty much can keep a scream to stay inside and let the sound bounce wall to wall, no hole will serve a way out. so she just stands there, assuming her father is inside with someone but did not expect it would be that person with him.
he walks out with face red and breath balled inside his chest, forcing it to come out through his mouth as he grunts but then pauses the moment he catches jes standing just near in front of him. she leans her head down but jiro komatsu just walk away immediately with eyes raging towards her. the despise in those orbs are unhidden.
she knows what's the deal now.
"good afternoon." she steps in the room to her father face tensed up while facing the scenery outside. she still doesn't want to stay even for second, now knowing what deal is, she doesn't even want to be in japan at all.
"i'm sorry but if this is about family's issue, i don't think i'll be staying and listen to it—"
"don't come to japan."
"excuse me?" the cut completely stopped her, and jes is a little confused with her father now. rushed her to come all the way here now he asks her to not come to japan until he says so? she takes few steps towards her father, face confused.
"this company you're running is part of the family, tomie, and i will tell you again to not come back here until you get a confirmation from me."
she only stares at her father, too stunned over her own head creating to many questions about a situation she still can't really comprehend or more likely she does not put so much care into it.
"is it uncle jiro? do you think he would do something while standing on thin ice in this company risking his position?" she retorts, frown went deeper on her forehead. "jiro has lost everything for what he did in 2019." jun is right. his brother crushed his own life, putting the company in shamble, disheveled, with the stock price sliding down on its lowest for the first time in many years of being stable in keeping an excellent position among many other automobile manufacturers. jes wasn't around at that time but she caught up with the situation through her mother. she knew how her father took all the bullets while jiro ran to overseas to hide, leaving all his shame staining the family's name.
"the man got nothing to lose. he could do anything with whatever he has left in his hands." jes looks at his father then looks away the moment her father swifts to her direction. she keeps holding back the words of her assumption that her father is afraid to lose his wealth and essential position in the company, hurting her own heart that she again assumes he doesn't really care about her situation in this tight position.
"then what's his motivation? what would keep him going if the family will not have him back? there's no reason for him to destroy something, dad, you won't go broke, your wealth won't fall to him, you will not lose your position —"
"i cannot risk your life! i will never be able to look at you and your mother if i failed to protect you, and i don't want to witness your sadness if this affects your son —"
"my son?" her heart pounding twice harder and faster, her son's name leaving jun's lips has jes on the edge, an immediate anger rushes in her.
"does he know anything, ANYTHING, about my son?" she steps in front of her father now searching for his eyes to find his truth.
"no, he doesn't know even a bit about him or does he even exist, jiro does not know." jun grabs firmly on jes' shoulders, his face now truly shows how concerned he is, a bit of hopefulness in his orbs as his lips tremble. "listen to what i ask you to do and jiro will never lay a hand on your family."
jes cannot think for seconds when her son is mentioned and her mind running every single possibilities she could do to keep him safe. anything but him, please she pleaded in her tangled thoughts. her eyes find her father's again, this time she softens up to towards the old man, nodding to his request.
"few days ago two of the elderlies died of food poisoning. we decided to kept things inside the walls because it was uncommon and as we thought it's true, two of them who were the ones approving your position, there are six, four approved. they are important people in komatsu family and without the four on your side, it would be a piece of cake to step you down from your role. jiro would have the upper hand of the other two who were against you. this is an assumption, tomie, but please, i can't risk you into this." her father has a last second of staring at his daughter before looking away not giving jes a glimpse of himself or the chance of jes to know what he feels through the emotion he cannot hold back. "you have your own thoughts of me frightened of losing my wealth as much as you want, but i've told you everything i want you to hear, i can't lose my only daughter."
her face twitches at his last words. breathing now heavy as her eyes feel hot that she tries to blink it away. "what about mom?" jun still has his back facing his daughter, "she will be staying in osaka for awhile." her chest is less heavy, looking down to her feet, then up back to her father as her tongue feels stiff all of a sudden, numb and suddenly foreign over words. "what ... what about you?" her voice comes out small but the man hears her clear. "i'll be staying with your mother. don't you worry about us."
she takes a step back, turning around as her heels clicking away to the exit. "i will be in new york for the next few days, maybe i'll be staying long. i have requested renault to rearrange the meeting to be in the city instead of france." she says, departing towards the door, hand grabbing tight on the door handle and eyes fixed there, gambling with thoughts. "i'll be safe."
hours through the day, jes is sure it's good, as far as she can see and she does hope it will stay this peaceful until part of her body will touch the mattress.
demon works harder, it seems.
when her phone rings, a very clear grunt escapes her lips. she ignores it, for some seconds it goes on ringing and buzzing against the wooden glass plated desk while she is packing up her stuff, tidying up the space and papers, then it rings again, this time it pokes on her nerves but peeking at the screen and the name calling to her number, she paused for a solid 10 seconds before she picks the call, still surely annoyed.
"i'm busy."
"i believe you're off with everything by now, honey."
jes frowns at the name, feeling like it all drives back to her childhood life. a little odd in her chest now hearing it.
"mm-hm, i guess you know everything, dad. did you have the bodyguard told you about things i do daily? tell me when is the time i go to bed and kiss my son good night."
she is not sure herself where all this comes from. the way she talks to her father now, she was never the type to snap back, while she once thought she would love to try to, because keeping things that she is dying to tell locked down deep in her head is painful. maybe a little bit of what she is been keeping away is slowly flowing up to the surface by now. but she is not proud of it.
she is tired, her mind is near to explode, she was thinking of needing a little guidance, then as the usual, she cannot even put it into words, to ask for help. she is afraid of failing, afraid of losing track, afraid of being truthful and the probability of shame she has to take if there's any of it, she can't even cry to anyone.
"tomie, i just want to tell you that probably at the near end of the year you'll have to go to france, it's very important. they will have you scheduled into a meeting and more essential things coming up when you finally there."
there's a pause. she feels so childish for having these thoughts, she feels like it's not right, it's wrong, it's prohibited to feel weak and tired. jes walks to the center of the room, standing there in a continuously silent pause.
"i start to think that i'm not capable of this, this heritage, that shoved into me ever since the first memory i can recall, the responsibility –"
"you have to. i don't take anything but a yes from you. you must go."
the shame begins crawling in her back, spread all over her now. jes smiles, a hurtful curve of her face at the quick cut of his dad which she didn't saw it coming, that she hoped he would listen, at least for this one.
another silent fills in while jes still standing doing nothing but stare at the blank wall.
"i can't have this fall to somebody else, you have to know that. you gained everything this company needs, the choice i made is correct. you have to give it your all."
the words doesn't even make sense to her or probably jes just don't want to listen to any of words her father says. but she takes the little hint of it, she understands, at least in her own understanding.
"you will never listen, dad, if anything, you will only listen to yourself and have me mute the whole time ... by the way, i'd rather have you here face to face, we talk, we argue, you name it. my most respectful apologize, sir, this phone call is ridiculous."
she ends the call, shutting down her phone immediately, run off to place where she thinks it will help her cry this out.
jes' hesitation to take a cup of coffee is getting in her head. she is thinking that today she had a lot of caffeine, her heart was pounding abnormally which never happened before. is she afraid? maybe she is. to her the beating so clearly, she was shivering. but what's going to hold her eyes open for another hours to finish her work? the fact that she has a meeting scheduled next morning and it's a must for her to look decent, to look fresh, and not to look lifeless.
during some critical moments, her brain does create a lot of not so clever idea, including this exact time. instead of choosing to sleep, to give it a rest for an hour, she thinks of anything else to help her stay eyes wide open. she puts down the papers that its corner curved by the many hours she has been holding and flipping it page to page, over and over. as she walks to the kitchen, she spares some minutes to check on her son, ken, who's recently had a hard time sleeping after she went to the doctor to get a check on the boy because he has been crying a lot, said that he got a fever over his growing tooth.
this, is also the reason she has a hard time doing her work and been getting out of the space to stay focus.
jes whistles as she looks inside the fridge, then eyes to the door when she spots a bottle of suntory whisky sitting there unopened. she grabs it out, taking the glass that came along with the drink when it's given to her, she fills it up with ice cubes before pouring it full in the glass. no, she doesn't know if this drink need is neat or whatever, she just need to drink something. the first taste was odd, with her eyes squinting as she takes the second sip, shrugging at the more decent and apparently nice taste on her tongue.
"alright, where were we?" jes comes back with the glass of whisky and the bottle, in case the taste is going to be addictive for her likings. back to her laptop and papers, developing materials of her next meeting to bring back the matter of car paints which not only she assumes, as well as it is supported by facts in field she found them out herself, that the manufacturing shall bring back some of the classic taste. however, she can't lie, she does bring her own likes in this matter. going back and forth from work to her drink that is now is her third pour, she begins to feel hear eyes heavy but she is entirely awake and energetic. by the time she is done, jes looks over the clock ticking in 5AM, the bottle of whisky is almost empty. she grabs on her phone, mind begins to gear up into thoughts and a lot of anything else, she picks up on her emergency contacts, mindlessly sending texts before she flops the phone screen down on her desk. now standing up to go somewhere, feeling a huge amount of sorry in her whole body and soul suddenly.
next thing she remembered was her waking up and jumping out of the bed, totally in shamble as she thought she's late for her schedule. blamed herself for another bad choice.
everything feels so new. so odd. bizarre. she can't really say that she is happy, all her heart and mind synchronising into one that is relief. she's almost dizzy with people circled around her, clapping hands, bowing down and saying words to her, too she is not yet recover from the previous event of what she can say now it was successfully done, flawlessly, though she can't lie it was a nerve breaking moment. it's her first time, don't blame her.
jes spreads her lips into smile, her head slightly down to bow and hands clapping towards the employees. words "thank you", "let's work well together" over and over she chants until she walks back to her 'now' office, with one last long bowing. a little giddy to think about it.
and today, not in this company it's going to happen to celebrate, set up a fancy party and something a whole day long, no, that does not exist. jes immediately digs into her work, everyone is back busying into work, everything that needs to be done today, she is going to finish it all. she is craving to go home and sleep, thinking about her son and the warmth she will have to nap with the little boy, that adding into encouragement to do faster with all her work. besides, she will need to stay fit and energetic to hit tokyo and have that little trip with him.
two hours through her work, jes has gotten the rhythm quicker than anyone can ever do in this environment. she has the ability to collect any passion into her hands and using it well into the subject of what she would be doing and this one is the living proof. in fact, this work she is been drowning in is spontaneous, she has the choice to leave it and put it for tomorrow's work. jes has all her work scheduled, almost nearly 30% of it and the rest would be in her hand to manage, for some reasons, she needs it to be done quickly. since her stay is a little bit longer in japan, she narrows her work down for easier time management. even if it takes herself to overwork.
however, just how brilliant her work is, jes is still not prepared in the matter of her health. she is fine, nothing to worry or too chronic but her body would be having a time to adjust. now her head is banging, she's sure the world will be spinning the moment she stand up. the call on her phone desk waking her up while she's tidying her space, putting back everything in place and shutting down her laptop then picking the phone up. before the secretary can even finish her words, someone barges into the room, putting jes in shock for a brief moment before a smile comes back painting her face. futaba with a massive flower bouquet just as big as half of her body (jes' little friend is small small) almost completely covering her whole face as she clutches it close to her side, one hand holding a box which she assumes must be a cake when she comes running to her direction, yelling out her name.
"tomie-hime! congratulations!"
the particular name calling makes her giggle as she comes standing off of her seat, taking her friend into a hug. after a moment of sweet embracement, futaba breaks the connection, putting the cake on the desk and the bouquet as well as she is now staring at jes, so smiley.
"i can't believe my friend is a ceo—are you really tomie who couldn't even look at people in the eyes? and so shy? so scared of crowd? is this really you?" futaba holds to jes' cheeks, moving her head side to side, like she's inspecting something. the bombarding questions are way too adorable. jes always thought that her friend is the cutest human she ever met and she still is. she gives her a little nod, "I wasn't that bad by the way." she answers to her, getting a little dizzy.
"i'm so happy and proud of you! i bought you gifts as a celebration! my, you don't know how excited i am knowing you're here! it's been so long!" jes can't stop the big smile on her face, futaba's presence is such a mood lifting, anyone can feel it easily when being around her. she puts her palm on to the desk to prop up herself, trying to stand still as stomach feels like it's dropping.
"really, you don't have to—"
"oh god, tomie, your nose!"
"what?" as her lips moves, she feels warm streams down her upper lip and the immediate taste of iron stains her taste buds.
"you're bleeding!" her arm held and pulled by her friend as she puts her down the sofa, futaba is digging into her purse while jes is overwhelmed by the blood on her palm, on the back of her hand, her lips, her tongue, and a drop to her shirt, it keeps dripping, she cannot even think with the banging in her head. as futaba is pulling tissues out of her purse, jes starts to pinch on her nose, taking the piece of tissue and gently stuffing it in to stop the bleeding.
she watches how her friend's face turns sad, perhaps a pity towards her and jes softly assure that she's okay with a small head nod, while cleaning the crimson off her skin.
"i know this is overwhelming and you always wanna do great and spotless with your work—have always been like that since our school days." oh, she is fine with the pity face but sensing where this conversation leads into, she kind of want to avoid it. but futaba is just too good with her way delivering words, putting jes out of her own words that she can only sit and listen, most likely just too tired to counter anything now. "you always did amazing, tomie, still do even now. i mean, it's crazy how you don't realize it. don't overwork yourself."
again, a head nod is all she gives to her sympathetic friend while futaba sitting next to her just stare, the next thing she does is holding jes' hand.
"you're still tomie alright. overwork and putting everything first but yourself." she snorts. jes doesn't even know why she did it reacting to the truest fact her own friend threw at her. and that sends the tissue stuffing her nose flew away, making both of them burst into laugh.
"why are you laughing!"
"i don't know! why are you laughing then?"
jes just can't stand it and keeps her chest pumping air for laughing so hard and futaba, hand covering her mouth that opens wide and belly laugh spilling out.
"okay, alright, put a new one back in, you're still bleeding." as she hands a new clean tissue for jes, she still has a little giggle here and there while stuffing back her nose. her eyes gazes to her friend's holding her two hands.
"thank you, futaba, i'm finishing my work with ease because you're here."
"no, it's because you're amazing like that, all because of yourself. i'm only here maybe to be a reminder for that. you did well, tomie-chan!"
her heart fills up with nothing but contentment with the the words lingering around in her head as jes leans in for hug, or more like leaning for a short rest for her head and futaba still take her into another embrace.
"if only you can stay here longer." her voice muffled into jes' shoulder when she nuzzles to her hair and jes has her hand patting the back of her friend, a smile on her face.
you can do it, nothing about this would be the reason of the end of the world!
she never expected wearing heels would be this tiring— while heels aren't something foreign for her feet, perhaps the situation makes everything feel much more extra. she is not even near the word late, far away from the time set for the nerve wrecking situation yet jes walks like the rent is chasing her just meters away in her back. she has never been this nervous and she can say this moment is second to when she gave birth to her beloved son.
heart dropping in her stomach but keeps beating and kicking everywhere, sending enough feeling to throw up and if she does, she would just lay on the floor of this headquarter and wait for people to pick her up and tell her father through email, stating: i can't do this dad, i'm a failure. all those thoughts are killing time, without her realizing she is in front of the door, head turns left to the woman in the secretary desk greeting her. she smiles widely, bowing at her direction as the woman does the same while informing her the meeting is still 30 minutes away, jes just nods, smiling again as she walks in the room. her heart pulled back in place, dropped again as soon as she spots her father. why would i feel this nervous?
"tomie."
oh, the name makes her breath heavier. she has been living long enough with people well knowing her as jes and not tomie. not that dramatically long, but she has gotten so used to it while living her life away from her parents makes everything that left in the hometown tasted foreign.
"you're 30 minutes early."
"i saw the room is all set and ready." she makes sure she doesn't sound anything like shaking and nervous or too much emotion in her words while talking. she bows down, taking herself to a couch for a more comfortable approach she is going to have with her father. her eyes fixed to the man with his usual familiar attire she has been seeing her whole life, the same face with more wrinkles on his skin, hair now has gotten some additional of lighter color, everything on him is all familiar, something that she knows, she recognizes, but all that and never what goes on his mind. jes never knew what his father is thinking, what his thoughts towards anything, what his opinion on something, what his takes on nowdays economy, what does he think about his own daughter. not a single fact she can collect but all assumption towards the man. jes always got herself tired thinking about him, upset about him, sad that the lack of affection does get into her skin, and when she remembers those cards she made excitedly on his birthdays, on father's days, the day her mother told her that her father has successfully reached his dream, are left untouched in his office, she grows sorrowful of his existence.
"it's expected that you have learned through this matter." his voice stoic as jes looks up to where he is walking now, approaching her.
"i did." she says, more to herself about every single thing she spent her precious time into. the sofa dips next to her, sat there her father not glancing at all to her direction, leaving a big gap in between. jes still in her position, two hands holding each other while her thumb is rubbing the ring in her middle finger. she pulls the ring, switching it to her right ring finger.
the silence is killing her, she would like to just leave the room, run to wherever place which she can be alone and think about stuff that is not this draining. yes, sitting and do nothing while having mountain of thoughts to tell her father is draining a whole lot of energy. but she is stuck, she feels glued, she can't even move a leg though she is dying to flee away this situation.
"you'll do great."
the words are clear into her ears. for a moment, she just stares, words cannot be found. she even have a little doubt that her ears might be not working well. she almost say the word what? out loud only to be remembered that this is her father she's talking to— just as much as she is upset about him, she still have the respect rooting in her soul to not say such a word with the tone.
"i..."
"i'm proud of you, tomie."
and she never expected these to make her whole world feels like it's flipping to the good side. she can't cry now and ruin her face and reddening her eyes and makes it swollen but she doesn't have to power to stop it when her eyes start to get teary.
"oh noo, you're gonna make me cry now!" she chuckles, pushing her head up with her fingers gently pressing to her eyebags, trying to prevent any tears streaming down her face as she hears the sound of her father chuckling with her.
"thank you, dad." she gets all her courage to look at him directly with the said words leaving her lips. as she glances to her watch, it is 10 more minutes into her exclusive meeting. as that becoming her cue, she stands and walk her way in front of the man, bowing down now with her heart filled up with ease.
jes has heart running again, contentment surrounding her as she feels a rub on top of her head. as she straightens up, a firm hold his father gives to her shoulder, she smiles, laughs even as she can't contain more happiness in. her father nods to her unspoken words, just like the man knows what she is about to say, and he believes jes will go through this just as perfect.
