I might loosen my grip, but I won't ever let her go
little!jackie / autistic!jackie, cg!nat - post rescue and living together CW: minor ptsd flashback, some references to childhood trauma, accidents word count: 3196
Nat comes home to dimmed lights and the sound of animated voices crackling on the television. As she kicks off her boots and drops her bag by the door, she can hear Jackie murmuring something to herself. It’s a soft familiar voice, scripting out the tangential dialogue Nat’s become everso acquainted with these past few months. It’s all she needs to know exactly what headspace Jackie is in right now.
Nat turns to the living room, brushes her hands on her jeans, and smiles when she sees her.
Jackie’s sitting on the floor in front of the sofa with all her Calico Critters on the coffee table. They’re made up in an arrangement Nat’s sure has some sort of significance, and an episode of Powerpuff Girls is playing on the TV.
Nat approaches the smaller girl from behind and lightly touches her shoulders. As she sits beside her, she can already feel the day's stress beginning to melt away. The argument with her boss over the recent scheduling debacles and the angry customer who’d cursed her out over a fucking Nirvana record of all things - it’s all moving behind her. All that matters now is she’s content in the home she never thought she’d have with the person she loves more than anything.
“Hey, Jackie.”
Jackie grins at the sound of Nat's low voice. It takes her a second to react - she’s always a bit slow like this - but soon, she looks away from her toys and over at Nat.
“I made a new story,” she says. “This one-” Jackie picks up a kitten wearing a blue button-up and dress pants. “He just got caught having an affair. So now his wife - she’s taking all the kids and they’re leaving. They took the car and all the money and everything.”
Nat widens her eyes and resists the urge to laugh. Jackie’s stories have always been on the dramatic side. She’s spent countless hours by now rambling on about secret pregnancies, love triangles, and even murder. For as silly as it is, Nat would be lying if she said she wasn’t invested too.
“They’re gonna move to Sac-a-meno while he’s at work. And he has no idea.”
Nat stifles a snort at the mispronunciation. “Shit… that’s pretty intense.”
Jackie nods. Her eyes are wide in thought as she looks back at her arrangement.
“Bad word, Natty.”
“Right, sorry, Jack.”
“But, you can play too. Or you can watch.”
Jackie’s voice is flat and gaze stays on her critters. With her tongue poked out in focus, she carefully places the ex-wife (a deer in a frilly dress) and three baby fawns into a pink plastic car.
Nat smiles. For a while, she had thought the apparent disinterest was something to worry about. She used to tell herself it was a sign that Jackie had become bothered by her presence and just didn’t know how to say it. Now, after months of living together, Nat knows it’s the opposite. She knows it’s the Jackie that’s spent years hidden beneath a carefully curated mask - tied to her knowledge that she can flap her hands and bounce on her toes and still, Nat will be there.
“Who can I play as?” Nat asks. “Can I be…” She picks up a grey kitten wearing a collared shirt, tie, and argyle pants. “A cool butch love interest?”
Jackie purses her lips and furrows her brow. Her eyes trail to the kitten in Nat’s hand, then over to Nat herself, who’s looking back at Jackie with a cheesy grin. It takes everything Nat has not to laugh at the sight. Because sure, she already knows rejection is coming, but she can’t help it - she likes to tease. She likes seeing Jackie work through the process of figuring out how to let her down easy. Or, on the rare occasion that Jackie isn’t so patient, she likes to hear her idea of a seven-year-old insult.
“Um…” Jackie bites her lip. “Actually, maybe you can just watch.”
She takes the kitten from Nat and sets him on the floor beside her, off limits.
Nat sighs, but accepts the suggestion. She pulls her knees into her chest and watches in silence as Jackie goes back to mumbling to herself and the critters. It goes on for a few minutes before the younger girl turns to her once more.
“Natty?”
“Yeah?”
“How long would it take to drive to Sac-a-meno?”
“Uhhh…” Nat pauses. “I don’t know. Like a few days, maybe?”
“Oh.”
Jackie frowns. “Then we need a hotel. They can’t just be in the car all night. ‘s not safe.”
“Well, what about…” Nat grabs the stack of magazines Jackie keeps under the coffee table and places it on the surface. “This? If they’re behind the magazines, we can pretend they’re in the hotel.”
Jackie contemplates the idea for a moment. She tilts her head as she inspects the structure, then nods. With a quiet vroooom-ing noise, she rolls the car up to it and unpacks the animals. She’s quickly interrupted, however, by the sound of TV static crackling.
“Fuck- again?” Nat grumbles.
Jackie doesn’t get the chance to correct her before Nat is walking toward it and fiddling with the knobs.
“This piece of junk…”
They’d gotten it at a thrift store a few weeks after moving in. It was cheap - too cheap - and had been giving them problems ever since. Still, money was tight and replacing it was low on their list of priorities. So long as they slapped the screen every so often or mindlessly spun around the knobs at the bottom, it seemed to mostly resolve itself.
Thankfully, this time is no different. After a few minutes of tampering - the image reappears - now on the weather channel.
“That’s boring,” Jackie groans. “Where’s the other show?”
“Don’t worry, I’m finding it.”
Nat twists the knob again. She freezes, however, when she sees a flash of their old soccer team come across the screen.
“...almost two years since flight 2525…”
Nat swallows. She can see the reporters and how their mouths are moving but she can’t hear anything beyond it. There’s ringing in her ears and something’s echoing behind her - screams or something like them. It’s crashing down with the metal walls that once collapsed around her and swallows her whole. Nat’s spent nearly six hundred days trying to wipe it all from her mind yet it still attacks at full force. It drowns out any remembrance of what she’d been doing before - the only thing she can register now being the sound of fleeting sparks and frantic breathing.
Nat’s eyes harden as instinctive tears fill them. She tries to catch the air around her, tries to remind herself where she is and what she was doing.
Home, she thinks. Home with Jackie.
Nat’s toes curl into the carpet and soak in the scratchy sensation.
If she closes her eyes, she can vaguely see that day at the furniture store and the notepad she’d carried to add up the expenses. The numbers were so much higher than she’d been used to but Jackie said they were getting a good deal. It hadn’t felt like it - not in the slightest. But Jackie knew these things better than she did, so Nat let her take the lead.
Fuck - Jackie.
Nat opens her eyes and lunges forward to turn off the tv. The millisecond of silence is quickly replaced with the return of city clamor - honking cars and sirens from the streets below. It’s enough to make Nat spiral even further until she hears the sound of Jackie’s whimpers.
Nat rushes over and crouches down beside her.
“Jackie, I’m so sorry,” she breathes, voice cracking. “I’m sorry, I- fuck, I didn’t mean to keep it on.”
Jackie’s eyes are so wide as Nat cups her cheek. Silent tears fall and her chin quivers viciously but she refuses to let herself really cry. It’s almost painful to watch. Jackie’s gasping for air through tiny, restrained breaths and all Nat can think is it looks just like the quiet anxiety attacks she used to have back in the cabin.
“Hey, Jack, look at me,” she says. She takes Jackie’s hands and squeezes them as she sits in front of her. “Take a breath with me.”
Nat does her best to take a deep inhale, dramatizing the movement to make it easier to follow. But Jackie falters in return. The panic in her eyes only increases as her lips part to try and grasp whatever oxygen she can.
“It’s okay,” Nat says. “It’s okay, let’s try again. Just one deep breath, alright?”
She puts Jackie’s hand on her chest and layers her palm on top of it as she models the breath once more. This time, Jackie’s somewhat able to follow along. It takes the slightest weight off of Nat’s shoulder - the confirmation that she’s doing the right thing all she needs right now.
“Good girl,” she praises. “You’re doing really good. Just keep breathing, okay?”
Jackie manages a nod and continues to follow along. She focuses on the feeling of Nat’s steady heartbeat against her palm and the pressure of Nat’s hand over hers. When her own breaths finally level out, Nat smiles and gives a sigh of relief.
“You okay?”
Jackie makes a noise. She looks away with her brow knit and does her best to process the question. Eventually, she turns back to Nat and whimpers once more. Nat squeezes Jackie’s hand and follows her gaze down to the smaller girl’s lap. She can’t help but sigh when she sees the wet spot slowly spreading across Jackie’s thighs.
“Oh, Jack… that’s alright.”
Jackie shakes her head. Her lips pull heavily into a frown as the tears she’d been fighting so hard to keep at bay finally spill.
“You just got scared,” Nat reminds her. She reaches out to tuck a piece of hair behind Jackie’s ear, but Jackie squirms away. Nat tries not to let it sting but the effort is useless. The ache in her chest is making itself known whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.
“And you were already feelin’ small. Accidents just happen sometimes - it’s okay to be embarrassed but it’s not your fault.”
Jackie shrugs, unconvinced. She looks away for a moment with her eyes glazed over and withdrawn before reaching a clumsy hand toward Nat’s shirt.
“Come on,” Nat says, offering a small smile. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
---
Jackie stands with her arms folded over her chest, sniffling and frowning as Nat digs through her drawers. She’s taking too long. She’s standing too far away and doing the wrong thing - why doesn’t she realize she’s doing the wrong thing?
Frustrated, Jackie whines and wipes at her eyes. She wishes she had the voice to say she doesn’t care what pants she wears - she just wants Nat to be with her again. The dresser feels a hundred miles away and it’s making Jackie’s stomach twist and turn all weird. It’s like that time she rode the teacups in Wildwood with Mari when they were eight and Mari spun them so fast Jackie almost puked.
“How about these?” Nat asks. She holds up a pair of pastel blue pajama pants patterned with bunnies. Normally, they’re Jackie’s favorites. But today, she shakes her head.
“Jack…” Nat sighs and looks at the pile of all the other pairs Jackie had rejected. “Come on, work with me here, kid.”
Jackie makes a noise and pulls her shoulders up to her ears. She’s trying! She wants to tell Nat that she is. But it’s so hard to focus when Nat’s so far and her legs are so cold and damp and itchy. And it’s even harder when Jackie knows the bunny pants would be too hot but the flannel pjs would be too scratchy and the sweatpants would be tight on her ankles and she isn’t sure she can handle that right now.
“I know. I’m sorry, I’m–”
Nat closes her eyes and puts her forehead in her hand. Jackie can’t help the influx of tears it causes - she doesn’t want to make Nat mad, she doesn’t want to be difficult. She just can’t handle it. The wet legs and the distance between them and the bad pants. It’s too much.
“I know,” Nat breathes. “It’s not- it’s not because of you. I’m not angry, I'm just– I’m stressed. We’re both stressed. But it’s gonna be okay. I believe in us.”
Jackie sniffs and slips her thumb between her lips, hoping Nat won’t deter her the way she normally does. Thankfully, Nat just puts her hands on Jackie’s upper arms the way she does when Jackie needs help grounding herself.
“What about my clothes?” Nat suggests. “Would you be okay with a pair of my pants?”
Jackie nods. She always likes wearing Nat’s clothes.
The response gets a smile out of Nat, who takes Jackie’s hand and guides her to the other dresser. After another minute of deliberation, Jackie picks out a pair of Nat’s boxers. It isn’t really pants per se, but Nat doesn’t push it. She helps Jackie clean up in the bathroom then changes her into a pull-up (much to Jackie’s dismay) and shorts.
“Feelin’ better, bug?” Nat asks once they’re done.
Jackie shrugs and looks past her. She slips her thumb in and out from between her lips while her free hand pulls down at her t-shirt.
She thinks she feels better. Or at least, she thinks she should. She isn’t wet anymore, she’s got Nat’s shorts, and the scary stuff from the TV is gone. But the knot in Jackie’s stomach is still present as ever and she can feel a weird, frustrated energy shooting through her limbs.
Jackie makes a face and throws her arms beside her. She whines, glancing over at Nat, and flaps as hard as she can. She wants Nat to understand - Jackie isn’t sure what, exactly, but she knows Nat is supposed to.
“Hey, Jackie, come with me,” Nat says. Her voice is soft as she guides Jackie out of the bathroom and back into the living room. “Have you eaten yet?”
Oh.
Jackie shakes her head. She’d been too focused on her critters to remember it was time for lunch. And by the time Nat had gotten home - weren’t they supposed to have dinner? She can’t remember.
“I bet that’s why you’re still havin’ a hard time.”
Nat smiles through the words - her voice kind and reassuring. And still, Jackie can’t help the way she protests them. She makes a small noise and looks at the ground, stuffing her hands back into the bottom of her shirt. She knows she’s supposed to be getting better at that… she’s trying as hard as she can. It’s just so easy to forget when her stomach doesn’t rumble the way it used to and half the things in the cabinet make her feel like throwing up.
“Hey, c’mere,” Nat whispers.
She takes Jackie over to the sofa and carefully pulls her into her lap. Jackie instantly curls into her - her knees tucking around Nat’s frame as her hands reach for the hem of Nat’s shirt.
“I could make you the yellow mac and cheese,” Nat suggests. “With the Arthur shapes - does that sound good?”
Jackie shakes her head and presses it into Nat’s shoulder. She does want the Arthur shapes, but if Nat makes the yellow mac and cheese - she’ll be all the way in the kitchen. It’ll take a hundred years and she’ll have the stove on which means she’ll have to focus extra hard and Jackie will be all alone again.
“Dino nuggets and smiley fries?”
Jackie whines and tightens her grip on Nat’s shirt. The nuggets have to go in the microwave and Nat would have to use that alone. And even if she didn’t - it’ll make a loud beep when it’s done and Jackie can never tell when the beep is coming.
Burying her face even further, Jackie slips her thumb between her lips. She wishes she could tell Nat why it’s all wrong but even if her voice could make it out of her throat right now - it’s more like alphabet soup than real words in her head.
“What about…” Nat pauses. Her hand runs up and down Jackie’s back in a comforting motion. “Curly noodles?”
When Jackie shakes her head again, Nat can’t help but sigh. It somehow hurts even more than if she’d yelled - like a hammer coming down after being held above Jackie’s head. Because Jackie doesn’t want to disappoint her - she doesn’t want to make her mad. But it feels like all those times back home when she was actually this small. All those times her mother snapped because she was too quiet, too slow, too difficult, too Jackie.
Jackie doesn’t even realize she’s started to cry until she feels Nat's thumb carefully brushing away her tears.
“Hey, Jack…” Nat breathes. “I’m not mad at you, okay? I know you’re trying.”
The reassurance only makes Jackie cry harder. She presses her forehead back into Nat’s shirt and clings to her as tightly as she can. Quickly, Nat hugs her back - her strong arms holding her with the tightness Jackie needs as her hand continues to stroke her spine.
“It must be hard when you can’t talk,” she says. “You’ve got all those thoughts in your head and they’re just… stuck in there.”
Jackie nods. She chokes out a sob and sniffs back her snot.
“But just… just because it makes it harder for me to understand, it doesn’t make you a bad kid,” Nat adds. She looks down at Jackie and adjusts her on her lap. “You know that, right?”
Jackie doesn’t respond. She sniffs again and nuzzles even closer to Nat, trying to hide her face in bleach-blonde hair.
After a moment, she manages to tap Nat’s chest with her free hand.
Nat looks down at her, confused.
“What is it?”
Jackie taps her again.
“You want me?”
A nod.
“Oh,” Nat says. A smile spreads across her lips, slow and soft before she kisses Jackie’s forehead. “Well, I knew that, silly!”
But when Jackie taps a third time, Nat gives a longer, more decisive oooh.
“You just don’t want me to leave, is that it?”
Jackie nods. She can feel something swelling in her chest - the joy of finally being understood as she taps Nat even harder. She taps and she taps - over and over again until Nat has to move her hand away so she won’t bruise her chest.
“God, I should’ve figured that out sooner,” she murmurs. She looks back at Jackie, still smiling, and tucks a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “But I’m not goin’ anywhere, bug. I promise.”
“Hey, we can get take out,” Nat adds, laughing when Jackie’s stomach rumbles. “And you can sit here with me while we wait. We won’t have to move at all.”
Jackie manages a smile at the sound. She looks up at Nat, watery eyes now glistening with reassurance. It was all she’d ever wanted, she thinks. To be here together; safe and secure.
