so long and goodnight.
featuring @deliacate & weineries.
"hey, i'll be careful not to hit your cat with my car." he remarked at the tremor brought on by the speed bump, hoping it wasn't a living thing that he just passed despite knowing the road pretty well. "no promises though." he joked, painting a kooky smile on his face.
he missed messing around with chaeseol in more ways than one. this is nice, he thought to himself. helping her was a good excuse to see her again. even if the words 'i missed you' or 'let's get back together' wasn't uttered, this was better than the distance they inevitably had before.
hours and hours of driving around to no avail and the sun has set; the dusk had swallowed the empty streets.
later that day he was supposed to meet with jinri. the two hadn't been able to see each other for a good while, what with their distance and the fact that they had missed each other literally. hyuk came back to seoul from the middle east just as soon jinri flew off to milan. it felt like the universe playing tricks on them, he pointed out to her during an exchange through text.
zoning out of the awkward silence that suffused the atmosphere during the car ride, hyuk started to think of ways to tell jinri he might not be able to hang out. what would he say anyway? something came up. my ex, you know the one we were just talking about, hit me up. what's more, it was completely out of nowhere.
when he said they checked up on each other every now and then, he'd meant once in six months. maybe even once a year. who even knows anymore? it was as infrequent as hyuk staying in one place without any errands to run for the kingpin.
it felt like a strange twist of fate once again.
uneasy in his seat, hyuk couldn't find a good opportunity to pull out his phone but what makes it worse was the spluttering that was surfacing subtly, softly.
"my cat is missing!" she blurted out. hyuk, overcame with panic from the mewling next to him, abruptly pulled up to the curb. it didn't stop the querulous crying. if anything, it made it even worse.
"i know, i know..." was all he could say, which might have been the least comforting thing to say in response. it was cumbersome how wary he was of upsetting her even more. he wasn't sure where to put his hands or what to do with it that it started shaking. he followed up with an apology.
she looked so fragile, contrasting the tough cookie exterior she often put on view. at this point, any rational thought had been thrown out the window. it was hard to withstand an onslaught of tears from the person whose boundless love filled his life once upon a time, no matter how ugly their history was.
finally relaxing into his senses, he squeezed her into his arms. he had no reason to feign nonchalance anymore so he let himself melt onto her. this was the only way he could think to console her, since he was terrible with words, so much so that he would borrow other people's voices for his personal expression of artistry.
upon realizing their proximity, the pair avoided each other’s gaze as if their arms still weren't wrapped around each other. warmth was something baby always craved. hell, both of them. it's very likely the reason they were ever together. in fact, his squeeze on her shoulder tightened even more as his stream of consciousness became occupied with the predicament that they were in.
he cared for her immensely, even at present. that never changed throughout the years. he knew deep down that it'll be that way for an undetermined amount of time that may even surpass this life.
"you think you'll be fine at home?" he asked but the lilt in his voice was suggestive. he doesn't hesitate to voice out what he was implying by the question. "i can stay over and keep you company for the night, then tomorrow we can try to find your kitty again."
normally he'd pull this line for when he needed shelter away from his own. it was often that it happened. if truth be told, his recent sexual affairs were seeded by this habit. perhaps chaeseol knew it too. they did spend a good amount of time together after all. so she extended a home-cooked meal on top of his offer, practically the whole hog, even though the objective of this meeting wasn't achieved yet.
on the surface, it felt like everything was falling into place. this was what he'd always wanted for years, in spite of his denial, and he's pursuing it, undeterred by the past that had haunted him for as long as he can remember. the past that had trickled into every other relationship that came after.
maybe his life was designed so that he may never be truly happy and at peace.
bone-tired from the overnight search, hyuk and chaeseol succumbed to their narcosis. in an embrace, unbeknownst to either of them. perhaps that subconscious act was the subdued primal desire within them; only time can truly tell.
the tranquil was quickly disrupted by a distant scratching, so inconsistent in its rhythm it was almost straight out of a horror movie. there was chattering too if it wasn’t creepy enough. “what the fuck...” he mumbled lowly in a stupor, rousing from the bed suddenly. he checked to see if he had disturbed chaeseol in her sleep, a knee-jerk reaction from old habits, then lazily walked up toward the door where the strange noise was coming from, hoping it wasn’t some eldritch terror waiting on the other side.
“fuck, fuck, fuck...” he whispered, cautiously unlocking the door to find no one in sight. before he could scurry away in fright, however, a meow rung in his ear like a feedback. “ow!” he exclaimed, jumping slightly while his hands pressed at his ear instinctively. at his feet was the infamous pet who had decided to go on a journey on his own without letting his owner know. hyuk snatched at his chest and sighed in relief, mouthing ‘jesus’ before picking up the feline. “where’d you run off to, matcha? got your mom worried sick.”
hyuk lets the cat down on the bed where chaeseol still laid, sleeping soundly. matcha the cat sauntered toward his owner, coiling under her arm and settling beneath, atop the quilt. it was a polaroid-worthy sight that never fails to awe, differing from the turbulence of the night before.
“my job here is done.” he quipped as he grabbed his coat from the rack, taking a final glance at the room; the serenity of it all bringing the synapses of his brain to a standstill. part of it was a pain, yet one he can endure, one he can sleep through night after night without the anesthesia of false hope. this was once a place of solace to him, to both of them, prior to the long story filled with sighs. so much of it has changed. as she has, he hoped, for the better. so it seemed.
the lack of sleep left hyuk exhausted but the day wasn’t over for him. there was much to explain and he wasn’t looking forward to it. evidently, the thought of it on its own dampened his mood. he doesn’t even realize it.
several hours past the time agreed, hyuk arrived at jinri’s place. it was no surprise that no light was lit in the house anymore. how he had the balls to even show up was a wonder, but he was determined to keep to his promise. he has had too many no-shows with friends recently, he had to correct it in some way. and admittedly, jinri wasn’t just any friend to him. regardless of everything that had transpired within the day, it remained the same. it showed in how perturbed he was over jinri’s hypothetical reaction to him meeting with his ex just moments ago. he would have felt slighted, especially considering their conversations as of late.
“it must suck to be a rebound.” he recalled. the thought even stopped him in his tracks—how he had vehemently defended the notion, claiming nuance and such. howbeit, he knocked. he’s greeted by jinri seemingly ready for bed or perhaps having been in it already. “sorry...” a lot of apologies today, he thought. “i got caught up helping someone.” he said firmly, a little bit of his temper showing in his face. he let himself in without thinking too much about whether he was welcome. his train of thought was that, she opened the door so that must mean she still wanted him to come.
she doesn’t hesitate to express just how she felt every time. i missed you, she would often say. hyuk envied this emotional eloquence. he was never intentionally tight-lipped. he detested that he was, as a matter of fact. he wanted to feel freely. it’s one thing he still hasn’t learned how to do. it cripples him to think that he might never, because he’s lacking in a fundamental piece that most kids received from childhood; a family to love him, one he could love back.
he doesn’t utter anything anymore apart from “cool if i stay, right?” to which she responded in her usual manner. the silence almost felt cruel. and this kind of silence to hyuk always resulted in the whizzing noise in his ears. it was the reason for the music he’d play 24/7. jinri prods him. not in a prying way, but as a form of concern for someone that was meant to enjoy this night with her. still, he was too overwrought to hear reason.
then it happens, hyuk’s capacity to cope falling to bits and pieces. “i met up with my ex before i got here. i didn’t want you to fucking know but you wanna poke around so fucking bad.”
not so tight-lipped anymore.