Apr 22, 2021
holy fucking shit i cant stop thinking about having a drink kill me
#i hate when i get like this#done everything i can think of to distract myself all day#social media#a shower#changed my bedsheets#went for a walk/jog with my roommate#then went for another longer walk by myself#eaten a ton of chocolate#and nope!!! still craving a drink!!#even though 2 days ago i was swearing to myself i was going to stop drinking for a while!!#literally my resolution to stay sober only ever lasts 2-3 days#MAX a week if im really busy#and i really mean it when i tell myself ok it's time to quit let's be sober for a while#but 2 days later im like nah i feel like drinking again#just as soon as my body recovers my mind is like hello where is the alcohol#also i was stupid and watched a tv show with a lot of party scenes where they did drugs and drank etc#and i really didnt think it was going to trigger me as much as it did#it's weird for me to even say that bc i never feel 'triggered' by media#but yeah no i watched that and the urge to drink hit me like a truck#and i want to vent about it but feel stupid texting my friends about it#bc i feel like every time i text them about struggling w my drinking they dont really know what to say??#cause none of them can relate or have ever dealt with that?#which is valid ok they're not therapists or whatever like there's no reason why they should understand or know what to say#but now i feel like i shouldn't text them about it bc it probs makes them uncomfortable#and it's awkward#but i really need to vent about it so here i am on tumblr lol#it's a good thing i don't have any alcohol left in the apartment#and am also running out of money which stops me from going to buy more#ironically running out of money bc i went to too many bars over the last week and a half lmao#anyway tomorrow im gonna take some amphetamines and do my uni work and that'll keep me distracted
