So tonight marked the second week in a row where I was on my own. Since I have a chat room it isn't quite so bad now, I have some response to things, if a minute or so late. It has gotten me comfortable with just rambling knowing for the first time in years I have instant feedback.
On that thought with no fear of being judged by my co host, who I honestly doubt cares one way or another, I have gotten much more open about my feelings about things, since this is Pride 48 sexuality has been a big one.
I talked a lot about what I thought of my sexuality, that I considered myself asexual, and the reasons behind it. Also I talked about seeing myself as a transgender person.
One of the ways that always helped was that when I role play online, where of course no one can see me, I always pick a female. I have tried male characters, the longest one being a DJ in Second Life that looks as close to me as I could get it called Rendal Meriman. Even Speyeder, who is a shape changer, did try a male form for a couple days. It just wasn't possible.
For me I started Speyeder, my longest running feminine character, 14 years now role playing her, I started her as a hermaphrodite character. The reasoning was simple. I wanted to play a female but didn't know anything about sex from the viewpoint of a female, so I had both.
The MUCK I was on, Tapestries, was an adult chat, which was a nice way of saying we laid the foundation for sexting over a decade before it had a name. My room mate at the time and I used it as an escape quite well. After 6 years we migrated to Second Life.
I started my Second Life as Rendal Lamington. It was a male character that I was actually enjoying, I hosted games and Djed sometimes. There was a bug at the time that "ruthed" male avatars. this would usually happen after a teleport. the male avatar would be switched to a female avatar. Sometimes this would only be visible on the players screen, other times everyone could see it. I didn't mind it much, I thought all things considered I looked kind of cute, though I never switched.
Then one night I was helping host in my room mates bar and the theme was pretty in pink. Well being a guy I didn't think it would make sense to be in a male avatar in pink (this is before Wanz would pull it off nicely in Thrift Shop), so I switched genders, and bought a pink outfit. And that was pretty much the last time I played a male character for any length of time. it was about seven years ago.
Speyeder made the transition to Second Life later. She was still a hermaphrodite, that mattered little though in SL at the time as genetailia wasn't to good so most people didn't even bother with it. I wasn't to sexually active yet though. It didn't happen until I came to the City of Lost Angels, where adult RP was pretty much the driving force that I really started getting into it in SL.
As things changed I started role playing less as a hermaphrodite and more as a woman. It didn't occur to me I had until one night when a woman started a sexual RP and made love to me as if I were one.
That was very liberating. I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore. And so I eventually dropped the hermaphrodite part of the RP altogether.
Over the past few months Speyeder, like myself, has taken on a more Asexual view. If someone comes up to her and wants to have a sexual rp she will oblige, though more for the sake of having something to do. I treat role play as a writing exercise so the more I can do it the more I like it.
A couple days ago I was in a sexual rp, and I tried to enjoy it because it looked like the other person was. I just couldn't do it. I think I'm to the point where I know how I feel, now I just wish my physical body matched my Second Life one.
I am one of those people who when asked if you could push a button and change your gender, I would, gladly. the thing is I would want to become Speyeder. that is who I want to be, not a female version of the person I've made self loathing an art form over.
The thing is, even if somehow that was possible, I wouldn't do it. Why? I would think it selfish. It would make life difficult for my family and those who knew me. As I said on Chaotic Ravings tonight, I was an asshole for a long time. so I tend to think I used up my quota of selfish behavior. Unless everyone I know all died at once so i could truly start over, I would never push that button. I have a feeling if that every did happen that would though it would destroy me to know what it cost.
So the long and the short of it is I will likely be trapped in this pathetic shell for my entire life, knowing what I would love to be and never having the conviction to change because I don't want to inconvenience anyone else.
So does this make me even more pathetic, or just another of a long line of people who never will be able to be content?
