the love that searches for me
So I have not posted in a while but i have been feeling the need to with things that have been going on lately and i feel the best way to get them to make sense in my head is to write them out on here.
With the new year here, it feels like my personality and my body have gone through a change and its making me feel uncomfortable. For the longest time, I have taught myself not to feel romantically because it only leads to heartache. For years it honestly helped me out because I would meet guys and not feel obligated to tell them they looked cute or like I had to be impressionable to get there attention. It felt great because for once, I could be myself and not care about what others thought about me. I could, for once, not have to go through the heartbreak of another boy I feel to close for, leave me. I built up walls that last to this day and to be honest, I don't regret it.
It seems though that as the year comes to a start, there are things that i am planning for this year that are reminding me of what its like to be free from restriction of every day life. Back when i was younger than what i am now, all i lived for was the moment. I lived for the moments that made me, me. I lived for the moment on the dance floor when i felt the beat inside my soul and danced like no one was watching. I lived for the moment when a guy I thought was beautiful saw me for me...and reveled i that moment. I lived for the moment where i was in his arms, and no one could take that moment away from me. As i get older, it seems like those moments don't come around anymore. The romanticism is completely null and void. Everything seems blacker and much darker. Im constantly busy in my real life with work, school and other commitments that I forgot what its like to be me and to not give a shit.
I've lost myself...
and it feels bittersweet.
As 2015 starts...i feel empty. I feel like companionship is something that i have tricked myself out of for the sake of playing safe instead of living in the moment. I don't feel like i need someone at all to make me feel like myself because I have the capability to do that for myself. But fuck...is it too much to want? I know good things happen to good people and I keep telling myself to wait, your time will come. Someone is bound to be out there out of the 7 billion and growing people on this planet, just hang on a little bit longer. As I hang on to hopes that it will happen, it becomes like a broken piece of glass that doesn't want to fit into the shattered mirror.
As i see couple getting together everywhere, the glass just shatters a little bit more every time. I see guys i used to mess around with get partners and it makes me angry, jealous, and sad. As i watch movies and webisodes that feature gay couples, i just want to scream and say that it isn't real. Every happy individual i see in a relationship just brings me that much closer to giving up on the prospect of love.
Love has taken different meanings for me throughout my short-lived life so far. I used to be romantic and want a love at first sight thing. As i got older, it transformed into a growing love that I strived for. Love is now a representation of a stranger to me. It seeks to find me but has no clue who I am...and I have no clue who he is either.
I guess I will never find love until I find it if that makes sense. It searches for the heart that is unsuspecting...and when it finds it, it will make event the darkest of hearts, like mine, shine brighter than the brightest star. But until then, I am wondering a vast pool of infinity that is the human experience that can only be charted through lasting bonds I share with my closest friends apart of this species. I search for the beacon that is mine but I don't depend on it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...i want someone to find me...to find me and save me before its to late. i don't need you, i know that but i want you. Is that too much to ask for?