#chaserevel

[chaserevel]

The more you think about your identity, the more complicated (and more potentially interesting) it becomes. (Or maybe I’m just a narcissist)

[chaserevel]

I think the main thing I've learned this year is that sometimes, even if a need can not be resolved immediately, it is still worth (and I am capable of) fighting for it. 

The way I’ve been  phrasing it is that to have a ground up/discovery situation (which is generally the ideal situation for things,) you have to have ground. You have to establish what you need, you have to be prepared, so that you're not either worried about what you don't have or incapable of doing what you plan to do.

(To be honest, id say these get more interesting the deeper you go, but that’s not for me to decide.)

[chaserevel]

I don't even know how to explain the WONDERFUL things I've got going on in my head right now (I mean I do, but I'm expressing so shh.) 

I've just got--like, there's so much TO the universe, and everything. There's so much to be figured out, so much to be understood, so so so much potential, and I love it. I mean, yes, it's definitely a LOT. There's a TON of things to keep track of at any given time and generally that makes me pretty exhausted, but it's a good exhaustion, because I know that it's because I'm chasing something that A. could make me more capable and B. is just FUN to think about. 

I'm having a good time. 

Like I said, I am kinda tired, and I don't know exactly how I'm gonna put together all of this writing into something more easily understandable, but the fun part is figuring it out anyway, and that's kind of the step that I'm on. Honestly, I do think I could probably take this into actual science. Like, maybe I'm the musician that also wrote a law of physics or something. I don't know.

Either way, it just feels good to think about this. To know more and more, to seek, to chase knowledge (maybe that's what discipline does, reduces the positives you feel from chasing knowledge. that's terrible. that’s disgusting.) I've been hovering around emotion for awhile now.

[chaserevel]

There's just something on the tip of my tongue that I feel is undone. 

Is this what it's like for normal people? To want to just space out and exist, observe, take in the world? I guess it's a good thing that I'm becoming more like that, means I'm being more discovery-oriented and enjoying and explorative. And I do think that that's a bit easier on your brain, too. Sometimes. 

[chaserevel]

It's just like. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed (wrong word, but) with how good this is. How it's happening. I think when things are bad and you actually want to turn them around you've got to find the things you're being stubborn on that might just be causing your ruin. And then not be so stubborn on them. Also making lists of good things, trying new things, that's good shit. Just putting yourself in GU situations. 

So I guess I'm getting comfortable with letting the music be a thing in me. Giving him some control, lmao. That's a tHING! Remember though, I don't even have that control really in the long run, so letting go is the best way to get what I really want, I think. Letting go. 

Letting go. 

I feel like there's just one more thing I wanna say before I do, but I also think that maybe that's a myth I'm telling myself to keep control? If I had to say one thing, I guess it would be that, at some point, I'm gonna need to check back in on who I am, where I'm going, how I'm doing that, why I'm doing that. Remember me, re-indulge in discovery of myself. 

But that's an as-needed thing. 

[chaserevel]

Can you feel it? The block. The desire to do nothing and sit around and be safe. The block, the one part of you that doesn't speak. It just stays and makes you question why. It makes you think you should procrastinate. It's the part of you that doesn't want to spend any effort.

The way to kill that part of you. It will insinuate that you can will your way over it, because that's how the rest of your body works. But this is not your body, this is your mind.

The only way to shut that part of you up is to do exactly the opposite of what it wants. To act.

Because it will tell you not to move, just to think. It will tell you to isolate yourself and that you can't remember why you wanted to do this in the first place. But it's lying to you. It doesn't know what's good for you. It's made to be struggled with, but you should be the one winning.

You keep expecting the final let go. There is no final let go. There is only letting go enough for today, letting go enough to reach out tomorrow.