#cheap thought

[whoatermelon]

i think i was dreaming about my past last night,

i'm not sure if i dreamt about it or not because i can reach it vaguely by the time i wrote this. the dream was about when i was in my first year of college and i was hanging out with my high school friends who also went to colleges in the same town as mine. there's nothing special or extra about the dream. it was merely like scrolling an album of memories.

it reminds me of this one beautiful concept saying

"time is a space, and the stars are the memories that are meaningful and solaced".

therefor, the dream was my spaceship journey through the space passing the stars.

it is beautiful how my body- human body and mind together can do such a transcendental process. almost magical, i think.

[whoatermelon]

First of all, exhale.

good job me for getting through this week. a week full of new things to experienced.

It started with an earthquake at almost 3AM-ish on last monday. I was so shocked and i was getting more terrified knowing i have almost no one to talk to when it happened. i was already holding my phone, not knowing who to call. Most of my friends are out of town, and it’s such a nuisance to call them in the morning just to channel my worries. it made feel alone more than anything.

it hit me, that i’m reaching the point where one moment to another start to lose its togetherness and i have to face it alone.

later that day, i was enrolling to an internship program. it was my first day, my first of everything to a professional working-related world. my first time going back to my room at 4PM in socially exhausted, mentally weighed, shoulder tensed condition.

it was my first time getting through working hours. it was my first time receiving workload. and it was my first time having a weekend with still a little bit work that needed to be done as i'm writing this. it was as real as it can get.

later in the evening my mind wandered. will hours of my life spent on working? will i always going back home tired? what about my hobbies? what about those skills i really want to master? is this the beginning of my chapter in working class life series? that night, with the weights of my newly embraced workload, with my thoughts flooded, i cried.

you know when babies cried, parents are sometimes saying that it’s not because they’re sad. aside that it’s the only thing they can do, it’s because they’re shocked. shocked of new things that their body has to experience in order to get used to life.

and as an adult, i guess that still happens.

[whoatermelon]

HARVEST MOON: What If?

Wouldn't it be nice to have a new Harvest Moon game where it's connected to Mineral Town which is the legendary town for all Harvest Moon gamers. I already can feel the goosebumps when my main character step into Mineral Town.

We may see how Elli has become a wife of the doctor and have a big hospital in the town. Mary has become this great headmaster of the school that she built with her husband, Gray, in town. Karen is turning into this very charismatic woman with a suit and short bob hair because you know what? She's the new mayor!!! And of course she has Rick beside her everytime.

Unfortunately we cannot see Ann and Popuri because both of them have their fortune outside of Mineral Town. Popuri married Kai and of course she'll be following wherever he goes. She's also becoming mother of 3 cute children with Kai's exotic tanned skin and Popuri's funky pink hair. Ann is the head chef of her own restaurant in another big city which is actually the city where Cliff was born.

How about Jack (the main character of HM BTN)? He's married to Claire (the female main character of HM BTN)!! Claire actually came to Mineral Town right after Jack stayed for three years, they fell in love and get married in the next Fall season. In this new game, Jack will be this great Guru that you can ask for tips and free items if you completed his quest.

One more thing, Ellen and Barney are dead.

[whoatermelon]

Now I’m ​starting to accept for all the things happened to me, for all the things that i have now, and for all the things destined for me. Maybe I’m not made to be those great people, the international-engaged-kind-of person, the smart-and-bright person, or anything else. I’m made to be only a complementary. But that doesn’t mean that i won’t have bliss on my own. That doesn’t mean that my happiness depends on anybody else's​. I am on my own. And I’m happy to complement any people who need me.

[whoatermelon]

i start to think that no one ever match the energy i put out to them, thus i shouldn’t try to either.

i’ve always been so keen to share whatever information i possess, to be informative, to be giving, and merely to share the state of knowing. i’ve always thought of others whenever i got new informations.

“they should know.”

with a simple tap on the mostly arrow-shaped forward/sharing button, i can easily share it to others and have them reach the same level of knowingness with me.

in return, i wish they’d do the same to me. i wish people would want me to be in the same level of knowingness with them. i want them to think of me whenever they feel an information is relevant to me. i do have few friends who did this. but i don’t feel it is equal to the number of others that i shared my information with.

that’s when i realized that i can’t expect people to give me the same energy that i give them. i can wish, but i can’t set out rules and make it their obligations to do so.

i think maybe it’s a sign for me to preserve my energy and be more selective towards whom i might share it with.

i know it seems silly comparing information-sharing to energy-giving. but, that’s how i perceive sincerity and togetherness. at least that’s how i understand it as of now.

well, i think i’ll be faced with more cases & moments of enlightenment like this in the future. for the sake of adulting & learning myself. bit by bit.

[whoatermelon]

a few days ago, i was about to post an instagram feed after so long. the last time i posted was on july 2021. i had this urge to post because i was kinda inspired by the random pictures in my camera roll, with a dash of dazzcam magic.

then, i went through a brainstorm for the caption. it was hell of a brainstorm. i usually write funny, sassy, and punchy captions because that's what i thought people perceive me. i imprinted that personality to my social media presence. i thought that was me being true to myself.

but then i realized, why should i stay with the personalities that people see in me. why am i trying so hard to meet the nonexistent external standard, when i should set the standard myself. why am i being defined by what people see in me?

i am undefinable, i am complex, and sometimes i outgrew the personality in me. i should never limit myself to a certain picture in closed frame, crafted by other people. no one should ever.

i was so set to quote taylor swift's lyrics as my caption. i always wanted to. then i listened to a bunch of her songs on my playlist. i feel like i had to quote one of her non-mainstream songs, so people might think that i listened to taylor swift religiously. so i can be unique, charming. again with the people's perceptions.

then, i encountered a line from my favorite song of hers, champagne problems, which is one of her mainstream songs from evermore.

"One for the money, two for the show"

my all-time favorite line from champagne problems, yet this time it meant something for me personally. i looked it up. where the fuck does that line originate. turns out, it was a children's rhyme that goes:

one for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready,

four to go.

basically, it is a more poetic yet mouthful version of "ready, set, go". But for me, it meant something else.

one for the money. ever since 2019, i've been running my ass off to find standing, financially. i'm chasing financial stability as i'm stepping into adulthood. most of the moments happened since then, most of the fights, most of the cries, were all for the money.

one for the show. other than financial stability, i was (and still is) trying too hard to show an oh-so-perfect image on my socials. i want people to see that i'm having fun even in the hardest time. i want them to wonder, to ask, and to be charmed. i was trying too hard to frame my life as if i'm making a script of a comedy tv show for people i don't even talk to. i think it's pathetic, to live merely for show.

alas, that's how i decided to use that line for the caption as the photos slide. it was a result of pathetic retrospective of my life.

[whoatermelon]

I thought i can’t never be lonelier than before, i was wrong. These days, i feel like friendships are starting to fade and interactions are getting obviously transactional— i mean, i know friendships basically transactional, you gotta give the same energy the way your friends gave you when you need them or else you’re an asshole. But, it’s getting obvious now that i feel like we can’t even sugarcoat it anymore. There are no layers of sweetness can hinder the fact that it is a transaction.

I feel like i’m losing my surroundings, the things that shaped me and had become pillars of support my whole life. But i guess this has to happen, because what other moments that will let me be with no one else but myself to find what i really am and what i really want?

I never expect it to be this difficult. I was always known as the independent, the lone wolf, the idgaf kind of person. It kinda grow on me, resulting in me trying to live up those traits people blindly expected me to be. I think it affects how i friend people. I feel like i mustn’t tied to a specific circle of friends because that will taint my designated reputation.

Truth is, i’m used to being held and led in whatever phase of my life. I’m used to have groups of people supporting me as if i was designed to be like that. Now, i feel like i have to let the grips loose and walk on my own.

Is this part of adulting? Do people go through something like this too? Because i really need them to teach me how the fuck to.

[whoatermelon]

begini,

pikiranku sudah tidak putih. isi hati sudah tidak jernih. beragam doa mungkin nihil baginya. raut lelah seperti tidak nyata, terlihat sumringah di hari-harinya. aku dituntut percaya ‘bisa’ adalah pilihan. dipilih untuk terus berjalan. di saat yang bersamaan, berjalan kemana pun aku heran.

berbusa mulut ini menyampaikan isi hati ke telinga-telinga yang belum tentu mengenal bunyi. kasihan sang teman sudah diteteskan hingga habis.

‘dijalani’ mantranya.

yang di depan mata.

tapi enggan rasanya untuk berjalan kalau tahu kaki selalu tersantuk. berkeliling dengan gusar yang perlu meledak. mustahil untuk tidak bertanya ‘berapa lama?’.

sepertinya sudah mengering semangatku. warnanya sudah tidak hijau daun. terlihat kecoklatan sepia putus asa. namun tidak. terang harus selalu terang. itu peranku. semoga ada hari dimana aku bebas menyatakan secara resmi, dengan bahasa yang dimengerti, bahwa aku sudah bukan yang itu lagi.