"I would do anything to have someone chase after me to tell me something they knew would hurt me."
"It's easy to say, 'I love you.'"
"It's harder to say, 'Dammit, I fucked up, but I still love you.'"
I haven't gotten tested, because I'm scared of the results, but don't know how to tell you. I've slept with 37 different people. I can count on one hand how many times I've used a condom. I push it off and push it off, because I'm scared of losing you. I keep thinking that if I don't get tested, that maybe it will be okay. I don't have any reason to believe I have something.. but that still doesn't shake how Scared I am.
I don't have a job, but it's not because I don't try, it's because I don't follow through. I waited to long to call back Starbucks, because I wanted it to just fall into place. I have this outlook on life that everyone owes me something because I've been through so much in my 20 years than most will ever experience. I'm still applying places, and I have been applying to those "shit" jobs that only pay 7.25 an hour [that's minimum wage here(also, we don't have any 7-11's here, just for future reference, not that it has anything to do with this)]. I am trying, but I have much to work on.
Court, is a different story. I don't know what's going on with it, and neither does my parents, or even my lawyer. You know that when I find out anything, that I will tell you immediately.
As for the drinking, I haven't drank as much as you think I have. I may have drank more being home, but I haven't gotten drunk as much. I've been drunk 3 times since being home. Every time I drank with Jason, I would get drunk. I know that these are just excuses to your ears, but given my past, this is showing self-control. It's showing that I can have a casual drink or two, and not need to get fucked up beyond belief. I've still stayed drug free since New Years. This is the longest lasting resolution I've ever made. It's been 5 months, and 6 days.
I know that you probably don't want this on here, but I needed it to be. Some might call this a cry for attention, for someone to say "Awww. It will be okay. Hugs." I needed you, and everyone else know that I can be wrong, that I am trying to make myself better. To not be so stubborn.
You have helped me grow as a person. I need you. I want you.
I destroy everything I touch. I'm sorry. I don't know how this will effect everything that has happened, but I needed you to know that I fucked up, and that I still love you, with every fiber of my being.
Joey, Stephen, I know a lot of this was directed towards Nick, but all of this goes for you as well. I love you both very much, and I can't picture my life without all of you. You 3 have changed my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way, no matter what happens.
I am going to make an appointment today with a clinic. I'm going to follow up on a couple jobs I applied to when I get home, and I will call my lawyer tomorrow, since it's Sunday, to see if he knows anything.
I don't know if I'll be on much, if at all today. I need a break from tumblr. I just want you to know, that I am trying to change, but I can't do it alone.. I'm tired of doing things on my own. I want to start doing them with you.
I've tagged the people that needed to read this the most. The ones that this post is for, plus two from home that needed to see this. Again, I'm sorry if you think this is too much for tumblr to read.. but I'm not perfect, and I won't pretend to be anymore.
I need to start taking responsibility for my life, and what I need to do.
