I wrote a short story based on a name I saw on a sign a while back. For a number of reasons, I decided to record it as a dramatic reading. It’s a raw recording with no editing, and I am not skilled in voice art, so forgive the quality.
Transcript:
There are signs in the front yards of houses in the greater Akron area. I have never paid enough attention to notice what these signs are actually for; I think they might be real estate signs. But what stands out to me is the name on the signs: Chip Glasgow. What a hell of a name. So common, yet so unique; I cannot imagine many people having this particular combination of first and last names. The familiar, almost humorous charm of such a given name juxtaposed against a surname as grand and stately as the city to which it is namesake lends a pleasing irony to the mind. One syllable followed by two evokes a feng shui-like prosody; the varied distribution of vowels and consonants tickles the ears’ fancy while a slight alliteration ensures it will not be soon forgotten.
Chip Glasgow is a pretty good name for a real estate agent, but we can do better. Chip Glasgow is too ostentatious and flippant for politics: “Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee Chip Glasgow introduced a bill Thursday that would…” yet not flashy enough for the stage name of an actor or musician. Chip Glasgow would make a decent soap opera character, or film noir detective: “It was dark; the place was closing. There was one man left at the bar; that man was Chip Glasgow, a private eye with as many unsolved cases as empty bottles under his desk…” Chip Glasgow could be the secret identity of a B-list comic book superhero, or a pulp swashbuckler: “The Adventures of Chip Glasgow!” But Chip Glasgow should not be relegated to fiction; after all, this is presumably the real name of a real person- a fact that only adds to the appeal, and to the mystique.
It is local news where Chip Glasgow really shines. However, Chip Glasgow cannot be an anchor. Sure, the sign-off would be great: “I’m Chip Glasgow, and that’s the news!” but we have not quite hit the sweet spot. “Now we take it over to Chip Glasgow for sports!” “Now Chip Glasgow is gonna tell us about the weather; what’s it like out there, Chip?” Throwing to Chip is pure gold. Unfortunately, Chip Glasgow still needs a sign-off of his own. Chip Glasgow is too flamboyant to just throw it back to Jim. Friends, countrymen, I give you Chip Glasgow: reporter. “Now we’re gonna go to Chip Glasgow out in the field; can you hear us, Chip?” “I can hear you, Jim. I’m out here at the blah-di-blah so-and-so where just minutes earlier yada yada yada... …I’m Chip Glasgow for Channel 10 News! Back to you.”
I am afraid to find out who the real Chip Glasgow is. I refuse to pull back the mask only to find news about a businessman evading taxes, or an entry in a sex offender registry, or even the organizer of a local charity event. Chip Glasgow is everything we need him to be, and if we break that façade, we lose the little bit of Chip Glasgow that resides within all of us.