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Christmasbound IX

“It’s got a beautiful french balcony by the bedroom. And also, check out these floors, babe. Oh my god so beautiful.” she says excitedly, with that same excited smile on her face as always when she can’t contain her feelings in front of him. She holds her phone down to show him everything she’s just talked about over Facetime, giving him a good view of what she’s seeing at this moment. He’s just comfortably sitting in his hotel room on the other side of the world, smiles at her excitement with some sleep in his eyes and a blanket up to his chest.

“The area is actually quite good, too.” he adds, as Taylor already continues to march through the big empty room, until she has reached the hallway where Elizabeth is standing, also taking pictures with her phone from where she stands.

“Look, this would be her room then.” Taylor says then in a more serious voice, filming the big and bright room with the massive window sills that open up the space to the grand backyard. Nothing but green grass and pine trees and another Victorian balcony, that offers a majestic view over the entire outside property. A certain kind of light and life filling this room that she envisions for the very first sensory experiences of her child. Big trees, lots of light, lots of space to run and grow and let your fantasy run wild. She certainly can envision to raise her here. Just the three of them here. Not to forget, also adding the three furry babies that will take over the place quicker than them.

“So you’re telling me she’s getting the master bedroom? Not fair.”

Taylor just gives him an annoyed look, can already hear his mother laughing over his comment behind her.

“I’m joking.” Joe laughs, “It’s perfect. But that balcony there gives me some anxiety.”

“That’s what your mom said, too.” Taylor sighs, can’t believe how many things you have to think of when becoming parents. The first thing that came to Elizabeth’s mind when viewing this house, was the accessible balcony with the big holes in the rails that would make it easy for a crawling child to simply fall through.

“But look, you can always get those changed.” Elizabeth already says, shows Taylor that the parapet is only placed on top of the flooring. She’s right. They could simply change the way this rail is built and make it baby friendly.

“I don’t know if we’d want to be under construction again for a while though. Because if we change this one, we’ll have to change the other ones in the house too.” Taylor just sighs, looking from Elizabeth back at Joe. He smirks through the screen. She’s a lot more irritable ever since she’s pregnant. Everything seems to be more complicated for her all of the sudden. Things that she took lightheartedly are suddenly serious matters. It’s interesting what hormones can do for your mind. The worried look on her face almost makes him laugh.

“We don’t have to make a decision yet. This is not something we should rush, Tay.”

She looks back at the screen and nods. As so often, he’s right. Elizabeth agreeing with her son as well. She sighs. As much as she knows that he’s right, she wants nothing more than to finally find the right place for their growing family. It’s true that their townhouse is big enough for a baby. But the truth is that she’s always had this fantasy. This fantasy of her daughter making her very first memories in the same house as her siblings will one day. It shouldn’t just be a house they buy. It’s a forever home. A home for Joe and her and their family. Somewhere, they will live in for more than just a couple of years. A place where birthdays will be celebrated, first steps, first day of schools, graduation and even sending your kids off to college. A house that is a lifetime.

“I know.” she sighs, looks at him with a sad look on her face, but the blonde man with the handsome beard just grins silently.

“You look tired, crazy lady.”

“I took a nap earlier.”

“Good. Have you eaten?”

Taylor sighs again, suddenly feels a second set of eyes on her. Aside from Joe who looks at her through the screen, Elizabeth now looks at her daughter in law with a concerned look as well. She almost has to laugh. She’s surrounded by overtly worried Alwyns these days.

“I was a bit sick this morning but I had some oatmeal before we left.”

“Isn’t it almost evening in London?” he asks through the screen. Before Taylor can answer, she already feels a set of hands on her back, right over her black coat gently stroking her up and down over the warm fabric.

“It is and she’s coming over to dinner with me.” Elizabeth says, has now already held her head into the FaceTime camera. Joe just gives his mum a thumbs up and it makes Taylor laugh.

“Not necessary. I still have take out from last night at home and…”

“No way you’re eating that crap. I will make you whatever you like, my darling.” Elizabeth says, her hand still gently on Taylor’s back. Taylor just looks back at Joe and shrugs her shoulders.

“Did you hear that?” she asks with a smirk.

“I did. And I agree with my mother.”

“She loves me more than she loves you at this point.”

Elizabeth starts laughing out loud, already focused on her own phone while replying to a message from Patrick on WhatsApp.

“She does. And again, I have to agree with it.” Joe smiles at the blonde woman laughing into the camera. God how much he misses that smile. What he would give to be able to kiss these lips, hug her small frame and give that little belly all the kisses it deserves.

“Stop! I was joking.” she giggles into the camera, hasn’t failed to notice his gentle smile while still standing in the empty big room of this massive London villa.

“Miss you. Both of you.”

Taylor’s laugh now turns into a gentle smile. Butterflies in her belly fly again. She just stares at her phone screen for a second too long though, slowly feels this deep sadness overcome the butterflies in her belly. It’s unbearable these days to not have him with her. Perhaps that’s why she ends up spending so much time with his family? As if they could replace the feeling of home she gets from being with him. As if they represent a piece of Joe she’s longing for so much.

“I miss you, too. So much. Just fifteen days now.” she says, feels herself getting emotional over the thought that it’s still more than two weeks until he’s home. Half a month. Half a month more that he misses of her pregnancy. Half a month more of her having to go through this emotional and physical roller coaster all by herself.

“Will pass a lot faster than you think.” Joe says, has seen the look on her face clearly. It kills him to be apart. It never has been this hard on him. Especially because for the first time, he can see how hard it actually is on her.

“I’ll call you when I’m home later, okay?” she says, definitely longs for a longer conversation with him.

“Of course. And listen to my mother.”

She rolls her eyes again for once, then presses a big kiss onto her iPhone camera.

“I love you.”

_______________

In a violent manner, her alarm goes off. The horrific sound in both set of ears now, right through the dark of this room. Within a split second, Joe opens his eyes. Just long enough to realize that it’s still dark outside. He immediately groans, just rolls closer to the woman in bed next to him. He doesn’t fully comprehend why her phone is making these loud noises, but what he does notice is her curly long hair right in front of his nose and the fact that her naked upper arm is a bit cold. She must’ve not been properly tucked into the sheets as she usually is. Joe’s warm hand begins to stroke her skin up and down for a few seconds, enjoys the thought of him warming her up. Something that was once so natural to him. Something he wants to do for the rest of his life, because it brings him so much peace. Even though this horrific sound of her alarm, in the middle of the night when in fact it’s the holidays, drives him insane.

“What..” he just moans with eyes closed, half asleep, half groaning into the fabric of her sleeping shirt. His left arm protectively looking for her hips now.

“I have to get up.” she lets out exhaustedly, without moving. He still doesn’t understand. For a second, Joe opens his eyes again, looks over her shoulder in confusion.

“Why?” he asks again, can feel the woman next to him stir slowly. She struggles to move her body, clearly. Instead of getting up, she’s now calmly on her back, her hand tiredly over his, which casually landed on her stomach a few seconds ago. Her eyes are closed and Joe knows that she fights with her urge to continue sleeping, just like he does.

“I’m Santa Claus. Remember? Eleanor. Downstairs.” she mumbles, eyes still gently closed, but the soft hand on his makes Joe smirk tiredly. Even though she does not seem to be able to speak in full sentences yet, he knows what she means. And how could he forget? It’s Christmas morning. He gently gets closer to her again, lays his head down on her pillow as well and presses a tired kiss onto her soft cheek.

“t’s too early.” he mumbles into her cheek. Taylor moans in an almost painful manner, then shakes her head and quickly begins to move, knowing damn well that she will fall asleep in his warm arms again if she doesn’t fight this urge in her. She slowly sits up, her naked feet dangling down her boxspring bed for a second. She truly feels as if a train has just run over her. She reaches for her phone on the night stand. Five in the morning. Five in the morning, in winter, in the dark, in the cold, in England, on Christmas day. A rather unromantic evolvement of the Christmas holidays, that only parents can understand.

“She will wake up in half an hour and run downstairs. You know her.” Taylor mumbles, almost feels as if she is saying these motivating words to herself, because the man in her bed has gone quiet again. She can’t help but grin silently through the dark as she can find him lay there in peace, both eyes closed again and his hand still reaching for her thigh. She slowly lets her feet glide into her soft slippers, then quickly gets up to leave the bedroom quietly. Joe deserves his sleep. Carefully, she closes the door.

“Oh, for fucks sake. You’re… crazy.”

Taylor quickly turns around, finds Joe standing in the doorway. His hair in all directions, his body covered in his boxershorts and the white tee he always sleeps in. She has to laugh quietly at him whilst sitting on her carpet, still arranging presents under the massive Christmas tree. His blue eyes are tiny and puffy, and he’s barefoot as well. She doesn’t have to look at him for long to understand that he’s absolutely tired.

“Morning, I didn’t expect you to join me.” she smiles happily. She’s still in her sleep wear like him, a hot cup of coffee next to her while taking the tinsel out of the box next to her. She loves adding some more glitter and decoration on top of the presents under the tree. She loves to make it seem like Santa Claus has not just brought a bunch of presents - but instead has spread his magic in form of red and green glitter on top of the entire tree in this living room.

“Five in the morning and it’s Winter Wonderland in here.” Joe mumbles, a bit more grumpy than he usually is. He closes the door to the hallway carefully and tries his best to be as quiet as he can be. After all, he doesn’t want Eleanor to wake up just yet.

“There’s coffee on the counter.” Taylor says, can already see in his puffy face how happy he becomes in an instant, having heard these words escape her mouth.

“Thank god.” he mumbles, already on his way to pour himself a nice hot cup of coffee. It’s the least he needs for being awake at this ungodly hour. While taking that first, hot, incredible sip he looks outside the big window sills. The sky outside is still pitch black. Only the snow glistening and reflecting in the big windows right by the winter garden of this house. He knows that this is just part of being parents, and after all, he was the one talking Taylor into prepping the living room in the morning instead of last night. It was his idea. He wanted more time with her in bed last night and that’s why they’re awake now. However, he can’t really believe he managed to actually get out of bed, to not let her deal with all of this by herself.

After all, this time, things will be different. They already are.

“Merry Christmas, babe.”

He suddenly feels two arms wrapped around his torso, which makes him smile in an instant. He slowly places his mug on the marble counter in front of him, then slowly turns around to find her standing in front of him, both arms still around him, and a tired smile on her face. Joe’s arms automatically wander around her and he can’t help but brush her bangs off her face. With his hands on her head, he just stands there, taking a good look at her her bare face with a smile. It’s been a while.

“Merry Christmas.” he whispers back, in a way more intimate way than he’s ever said these two words to someone. With her tired smile and the little pimple on her chin, she just lets him hold her like this, doesn’t shy away from simply looking into his eyes. Eyes she knows so well.

Joe doesn’t have to ask to understand that she longs for him to kiss her. Her eyes wandering back and forth from his lips, as he can feel her get on her tiptoes already. Even before his lips finally meet hers, Taylor has already closed her eyes. Joe smiles into the kiss automatically, his hands now gently on her cheeks and her bangs hanging down again in a rather unruly way.

As he pulls back, Joe just smiles at her even more than he did before. He could say so many things to her in this moment, but he knows that he doesn’t need to. His smile says it all. He knows that she knows.

“God, you look so good this morning.” she whispers, making him cackle quietly. Her torso still pressed against his, and both his hands on her face. He loves feeling the soft skin against his fingers. He loves being able to smell her so close to him.

“Would’ve loved to stay in bed with you a bit longer.” Joe says and Taylor sighs, as if she remembers just now that half of the tinsel is still on the floor wrapped up in plastic.

“Can you help me wrap the tinsel around the beams on the ceiling? I’m almost done.” she says with a yawn, quietly agrees with Joe’s previous statement. She wouldn’t mind sleeping again for another hour or two.

“Of course.” he says, only lets go off her with hesitation before taking a last sip from the hot beverage next to him. It’s always that first cup in the morning. Heaven.

Taylor already walks back into the open living space.

“I was thinking, maybe you throw it over and I pull here?” she gestures grandly, is slowly stepping onto the chair in the living room again while holding the decorations up in the air. Joe looks at her, has to smirk quietly. She loves this. She loves decorating the house and playing Santa Claus for their daughter. She can’t convince him otherwise.

“Why don’t you go out of the way and let me do this.” he says, gently places his hands around her hips to signal her to come down from this unsteady chair and let him handle this.

“But..”

“No buts. You can fill the stockings in the meantime.”

Taylor lets him help her down the chair and smiles nodding. It’s been a while since she didn’t have to do this alone. She quietly watches him wrap the tinsel around her wooden beam with what looks like no effort. Taylor smiles quietly while filling the big fabric with chocolate and little wrapped up gifts. Within ten minutes, Joe has successfully hung up the tinsel and even adjusted the fairy lights on the inside of her winter garden. Taylor now closes the box on the floor with a satisfied look and turns her head to look around again. The Christmas tree is filled with a ridiculous amount of presents on the floor, fairy lights and glitter lighting up the room. She’s proud of her end result. Eleanor will love this. She just knows.

“Thanks for helping me. Looks great.”

She can feel Joe wrap his arms around her from behind this time, his face next to hers over her shoulder, looking into the same direction as she just did. She smiles happily, carefully leans back and loves to find herself wrapped in his familiar arms. She takes one last look at the Christmas tree, then slowly closes her eyes for a second. This feeling of safety and love is something she’s been missing for a long long time. His warm, big hands on her stomach, gently tucked under her sleeping shirt now. Memories are coming up. His loving hands on her belly. This is how it was always supposed to be.

“You’re very welcome, my love.” Joe whispers into her ear before kissing the spot on her cheek, right in front of her ear, slowly.

“What do we do now?” he asks then, can see that her eyes are gently closed. She swallows once, then turns her head into his direction, both arms still wrapped around his. Now that her face is closer to his he can shower her closed eyes with a few sweet kisses, just smiles as he sees her lips forming a smile as well.

“Bed. I’m so tired.” she murmurs and he fully agrees with her. That first coffee didn’t help. An hour more of sleep is desperately needed from both sides.

_______________

Taylor opens her eyes, needs a second to remember where she is. But within a split second, she just feels this overwhelming sensation of safety in her bones. The TV in the living room is still running and the same boring episode of Britain’s Got Talent from before is still on. The floor lamp at the end of the room is lid. It’s gone dark outside. She must have fallen asleep on the family sofa while watching the television with Elizabeth. She closes her eyes once again in exhaustion, appreciates the sofa blanket that has been placed over her body.

It’s the weirdest thing in the world. These days, she can just fall asleep anywhere and anytime. As if a deep, deep exhaustion has taken over and almost makes it impossible for her to function as she normally does. Taylor swallows tiredly once, turns her head to the left which results in her curly bangs gently falling off her face. Her hand slowly wanders to her small but prominent belly. It’s still weird for her to feel this bump there all of the sudden. This weird, growing belly that’s slowly but surely getting in the way of her and her favourite jeans. She always thought it would be scary to have a human being living inside of your body. Always imagined pregnancy like a scary Alien-like experience. Another organism taking over. When in fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s cozy. It’s a weird feeling of warmth and togetherness in her belly. She’s not alone. She doesn’t know this growing human being but what she does know is the fact that she already loves it. And she will love it, probably for as long as she walks this planet.

With her hand gently stroking her belly for a minute, she hears Elizabeth rummaging around the kitchen. Pots that are being moved from counter to stove. The sound of the extractor fan from afar. The most incredible smell in the air. She’s making her favourite dish, Taylor can already tell. Zucchini Pasta.

Sleepy but happy, she turns around again, opens her eyes then a bit more to look at the television again. She never thought it would be possible to feel at home in a family that is not hers, but here she is. Falling asleep on Joe’s family’s sofa in the middle of the afternoon whilst his mom is preparing her dinner. A feeling of gratefulness in her chest. She slowly sits up, rubs her eyes once. If she wouldn’t actively fight the urge, she would fall asleep again. Unbelievable how much she can sleep nowadays.

With one leg hanging down the couch and the other one under her bum she can clearly feel the pressure on her bladder. Just when she was about to get up to make her way to the bathroom is when her eyes suddenly pop wide open. Within a split second, her hands both move to her belly. Her heart starts beating faster. A pretty hurtful, pretty unusual feeling is arising in her belly. Taylor breathes heavy within seconds. This can’t be happening. She’s not even seven months along yet. With shaking hands, she clutches onto her bump, tries to stay calm but fails. Panic arises. Is that why she feels the need to pee suddenly?

“Elizabeth? Can you…can you come over for a second? Please?” she yells all of the sudden, her voice has clearly gotten a lot louder and shaky. Taylor feels herself getting more and more nervous with every second passing by. The weird feeling isn’t going away. A lot of pressure on her stomach that is not going away, even with her hands pressed on her belly. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening again.

“What’s wrong, darling?” Elizabeth already asks with a worried look on her face, the apron still covering her clothes. But that worried look in the brown-haired woman’s eyes gets even worse when she sees Taylor on the sofa, the telly still running in the background while the blonde woman sits there with tears in her eyes, holding onto her belly as if she was holding onto life.

“Taylor, what…”

“Something is wrong.” she says, her voice almost breaking. Elizabeth can see how her hands are shaking, her face that is pale all of the sudden.

“Something is really wrong, I think I need to see a doctor.” Taylor adds hectically, her chest rising, as Elizabeth has already sat down in front of her, looks at the blonde woman as worried as she does.

“What is it? Are you in pain?” she asks, her hands already securely on Taylor’s belly as well now.

“It’s this.. weird pressure since a few minutes. It’s almost like back then when I had the miscarriage. Can you call a doctor or something?” She says, her eyes already red and watery. Elizabeth just moves her hands on her belly a bit, doesn’t say anything. Then she just starts to smile quietly and looks back at Taylor who doesn’t understand her reaction at all.

“Oh, darling.” she says quietly, the gentlest smile on her lips that Taylor has ever seen. “She’s kicking. Your baby is kicking.”

Taylor looks at her in disbelief, her hand now wandering to the spot on her belly as well where the pressure can be felt the most. She swallows for a second, feels the flutter again. She can’t believe it.

“She’s… she’s kicking? That’s what that was?”

“Yeah, feel this.” Elizabeth smiles, her hand wandering across her small belly.

“Here. It’s her little foot that bothers you.”

Taylor immediately clutches her hands to the spot where Elizabeth hands have just been. She laughs quietly, then feels her eyes getting hot and teary again. A rush of love overcoming her that almost makes her dizzy.

“She’s kicking.” she says again quietly, a first tear escaping her eyes and running down her cheek slowly.

“She’s kicking.”

_______________

“Daddy, I can’t take it off. Can you help me?”

Joe just shares one last look with Taylor, who has to smirk just like him. She slowly takes another sip from her coffee, then watches Joe get up from the breakfast table for the fifth time in the last half hour. It seems that only dad is allowed to help Eleanor with her new toys. Especially when it comes to the miniature clothes she got from Santa Claus for her mini dolls to wear.

“Alright bug, but let us have breakfast after, okay?” he says while crouching down in front of the little girl in her Christmas PJs. He takes a good look at that tiny, happy face, and smiles silently as he focuses on her doll. He fully understands how excited the little girl is about all her new presents. Even though it’s been over an hour now, and he really wants her to eat before she gets dressed to go visit his family today.

“Yes, daddy. Look, the skirt is stuck.” she says, points to the fabric, and almost looks desperate. He can’t help but smirk again. Joe just inspects the screw-in button on the tiny skirt now. Can clearly feel Taylor watching him next to Eleanor under the tree. Still in his boxers and tee, being fully focused on the doll in his hand with the same serious look in his face like his daughter. Taylor has to laugh quietly, then unlocks her phone to take a picture of the two twins.

“You almost got it.” Eleanor cheers on him, just when Joe manages to finally get rid of the doll’s clothing. She smiles at him thankfully and Joe grins at her as well. He slowly leans down to press a kiss on her little curly head and then gets up to sit back down in front of Taylor at the big dining table again. She looks at him with a soft smile, doesn’t have to speak up to tell him how much she enjoys seeing him dress- and undress little dolls for his daughter. Joe smiles back at her, reaches for her hand over the table, strokes the soft skin around her thumb gently. This is how this day is meant to be. Just when Eleanor approaches the dinner table again is when Taylor immediately lets go off his hand, just watches her daughter sit down next to her father again.

“What do you want on your pancake, my love?” Joe asks her already, has just helped her climb onto the chair next to him with her doll still securely in her hand.

“I want chocolate chips and raspberry and honey.” she says with big eyes, making Taylor smile again over the six year old’s decisiveness in her voice.

“Do you want to do it yourself?” she asks, already passes her the bowl of berries as well as the plate with stapled pancakes on it. After all, she knows that Eleanor enjoys making things herself. It’s also good for her to practice these things more often. After all, she’s a school girl now. Not a baby anymore.

“Yes!” she says, confidently grabs a pancake and then reaches for the big spoon full of honey. Joe carefully helps her by holding the plate in front of her. Taylor looks at Joe again in silence. He always claims he’s not good at these parenting things. But the truth is that he’s a natural. Always has been.

“Mommy, are we going to grandma’s today?” Eleanor asks then and looks at her mother with imperious eyes. Taylor knows that she understood clearly that there was a big fight between them last night.

“Do you want to spend the day at grandma’s house? With Patrick and grandpa and Tom and..”

Taylor doesn’t have to finish the sentence because Eleanor already nods enthusiastically while loading her pancake with bananas. Taylor places her mug in front of her, then looks at Joe with an insecure look. She doesn’t know what he wants to do. She understands if he wants to spend the day with his family, too. She would support him in joining Eleanor today if that’s what he wants. But there’s no way she can sit on Elizabeth’s dinner table today. Acting as if the last night hadn’t happened. Acting as if she hadn’t hurt her to the bone with her words last night.

“Well,” Joe starts, his eyes fully focused on Eleanor now. “How would you feel if mummy and I drop you off after breakfast? And you can take your presents and your new turtle bag and have a little sleepover at grandma and grandpa’s house tonight? I’m sure Patrick is responsible for Christmas movie night tonight. And then tomorrow morning, mum and me we come to pick you up and spend Boxing Day together, just the three of us. Together with the cats and more Christmas movies. What do you think?”

Just before Taylor can say something, Eleanor already nods enthusiastically while chewing on her pancake. Taylor looks at her daughter, unsure how to react. Obviously, Joe wants to spend the day alone with her. And as happy and gushy as she feels to know that he does, she doesn’t feel convinced that this is the right thing to do. Leaving Eleanor for Christmas day. Making Joe spend the holidays apart from his family.

“Do you really want to do a sleepover at grandma’s tonight?” Taylor asks carefully, ready to spot any signal in the little face that Eleanor doesn’t want to be separated from her mother today. But to her shock, Eleanor seems excited. A bright smile on her face, before lifting up her arms in excitement.

“Yeeees!” she yells, making Joe and her laugh a bit.

“Daddy, can I bring the big doll house? And the horse garage? Do you think Patrick will make popcorn, too? Maybe we can watch Mary Poppins..”

Taylor looks back at Joe, a slight smile on her face over Eleanor’s excitement, but a lot of insecurity in her eyes as well.

“Joe, if you want you can also stay with your family and..”

He just looks back at her. A hand on Eleanor’s back, who seems to fight with fork and knife to cut her loaded pancake, an ironic smirk on her face, almost as if he was asking her with his eyes if she’s being serious.

“You think I’d prefer to spend the day with my mother instead of..”

He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. Taylor smiles quietly, but also feels a weird ache in her chest. It feels toxic and forbidden, but she’s almost heartbroken that Eleanor is as independent as she is. Doesn’t cry anymore at the thought of spending the night away from home. As much as she’s excited for this alone time with Joe, she’s also already missing her little bubbly daughter.

“Alright then. And what are we two gonna do all day today then?” Taylor asks him, lost in her thoughts again whilst watching Eleanor eat in excitement. She reaches for her hot coffee cup and takes another warm sip.

“Well, I might have an idea or two.” he smirks then, and it takes five seconds for Taylor to understand what he means. She just changes her face to a mad one within a split second, places her coffee cup with a mad undertone on the table again. Not in front of her. Taylor’s face speaks for itself. Joe giggles quietly, steals his daughter a raspberry from her plate.

“I’m serious.” Joe laughs, points at her phone. “I have an idea. Open google maps and look for Rye, East Sussex.”

_______________

“Do you really think this is a good idea?”

Joe, who stands in her closet just laughs quietly before folding one of this black jeans. He turns around to look at Taylor, who’s sitting in her bed again. Her head resting against the bedpost, her macbook on her thighs, wrapped in her white bed sheets again whilst she’s still in her pajamas from before.

“We can also stay here and just have sex all day long. I’d be up for that, too.”

It takes a second and Joe feels a pillow in his back, that she has just thrown at him from where she sits. He laughs as he turns around to look at her again, already sees the strict finger on her lips, signaling him to be careful with his choice of words as long as Eleanor is in the same house.

“It looks beautiful, but.. where are we gonna stay? Also, I’m very sure that everything is closed today and..”

“It’s an adventure, Tay.” he says then, sits down in bed next to her for a second. Taylor still anxiously looks into her laptop, is clearly overthinking all of this again.

“When’s the last time we had some time away. Just you and me.” he smiles at her, already reaching for her hand. Taylor can’t help but smile quietly, loves how Joe kisses the back of her hand once while looking at her.

“It’s been ages.” he says, even though this statement doesn’t answer her previous question.

“Let me find a hotel. If I can’t, we’ll drive back home tonight. It’s just an hour outside of London anyways.” he says confidently, looks at Taylor then for final confirmation. She just nods with a grin on her face. Joe squeezes her hand three times. She hates to admit how much she loves his idea. Instead, just rolls her eyes at him.

“You love it.” he mumbles.

“We will see.” she says, gets up from bed and walks past him barefoot.

“You absolutely love my idea, admit it.”

“Well, if we’re stranded on the outskirts of London tonight with no phone and no hotel and no food, I will get back to you about how awesome this idea was.” she says, has already closed the door to the master bathroom.

“You love it.” he replies again, this time with a big smirk on his face.

_______________

With a drink in his hand Joe stands in this pretty darkened bar, laughing once as one of the film crew members tells the story about a weird encounter he had with a Canadian woman in the lift earlier. He didn’t want to join them tonight, really wasn’t in the mood to go out tonight, right before his flight to Nashville tomorrow. His head is full, extremely full these days. His mind is constantly at home with Taylor and the little bean growing in her belly, that will surely turn his life upside down sooner than he thinks. The incomparable amount of responsibility they’re both just learning to grow into. And on top of that, he got this call from Jeffrey today. This call, that Paul Thomas Anderson wants to work with him on an upcoming project in Ireland. The Paul Thomas Anderson. A once in a lifetime project that he had never even dreamed of being considered for. But instead of being ecstatic about this opportunity, it just gives him a tummy ache. Because he thought he knew what the next six months of his life would look like. The long break he’s been planning for a while now. The long break he was looking forward to to finally take care of his own mental state. The long break to clear his head, be with his baby and to learn how to be a parent. Learn how to be the man he wants to be for the two most important women in his life. Taylor didn’t hesitate for a second to tell him that he needs to accept the offer. That he can make it work. That they can make it work. But it doesn’t make him feel any better. Not at all.

Joe takes a last sip from his glass, can already feel Andrew’s stare on him as he places the empty glass on the counter in front of him, grabs his jacket before giving him a look.

“You leaving already?” he asks into Joe’s ear and the blonde man nods. The live band that is playing in this bar makes it a bit hard to speak in a normal sounding voice.

“Yeah, I want to call Taylor before she goes to bed. Check in on her.”

Andrew nods and smiles, his hand now on his shoulder, patting him with the same smile that his dad always gives him when they talk about this topic. This smile, that only a father can understand.

“When’s her due date again?”

“December.” Joe smiles and Andrew does too.

“It’s the biggest change of your life that’s ahead of you, my friend.” the older actor laughs and Joe nods. He’s heard this quite a few times now but no one can really explain to him what this change will look like.

“Any advice for me? I have never in my life changed a nappy before.” Joe mumbles, is ready to be laughed at by his colleague and friend.

“That’s not what this is about. You’ll grow into that.” Andrew interrupts him with a secure look on his face. “Being a father will come naturally to you, but being in a relationship will get different. Being a good partner when you have a child that needs all your attention every hour of the day is the difficult thing.” he says, a bit more serious than before, now sips from his glass and looks at Joe again. He doesn’t like hearing this, because it already feels like he’s being torn apart in all directions. Even though his daughter is not even born yet.

“And what’s your golden advice then, mate?” he says, cheers once more with the older actor. His gaze falls to the live band again. The singer is a young woman in her twenties. Never did he ever think that he would so soon feel this responsibility. The responsibility for a human being. He already loves this person, even though he’s never met her. That’s out of question. But sometimes he wonders how his life will look like in a few years down the road. How many of his own issues will he pass down to this beautiful, perfect little creature growing in Taylor’s belly? How is he supposed to take care of a helpless human-being when he can barely control his own anxiety sometimes?

“There is no advice. I think… some people make it and some don’t. Sounds dark, I know. But you can’t have it all. I think that’s what I learned. You either have a career or you’ll end up with a house full of kids and two to three mediocre roles a year. You know, if you’re lucky and it happens that way then you’ll have a good income and a good life. I mean… it’s not bad. Not at all. But that’s just the reality that nobody tells you about when you become a dad.”

Joe looks at the forty year old man, with disappointment in his eyes. He’s never experienced Andrew as someone who sees his career as non- existent or subordinated to his family. He’s met Lisa before. Taylor and him have had dinner with the couple during the course of Joe shooting this movie together with him. They’re an incredible family. They live out what Taylor and him aspire for their future. A stable relationship, lots of fun, lots of travels and three incredible children. Joe can’t believe Andrew’s little speech. They seemed…. happy? Is that what it will be like for him as well? Happy on the outside and empty on the inside? Like a shell of the things that you should love whilst you lack purpose underneath?

Joe scratches his neck once, then orders another beer.

_______________

Taylor patiently sits in the quiet car, her feet warmed up in her big black inuikii winter boots, her torso wrapped in the big puff jacket and her green beanie covering her head. Joe has made sure to leave the heating on before leaving the car to drop off Eleanor at his parents house. A weird feeling for her to just stay in this car, acting incredibly busy on her phone and not saying hello to his parents.

Taylor knows that she can’t avoid them forever, and she knows that there has to be a point where they talk. Not just about what happened last night but even more so, what happened three years ago. Three years ago when she had to make the hardest decision of her life. Elizabeth knows only one side of the story, and it almost frightens her to be told what that story actually is.

Within two minutes, she can hear his footsteps on the snow next to the big car and feels a slight relief overcome her. She was worried that Elizabeth would want to talk to her right now, or even worse: approach her while she’s sitting in the car on the street. She knows her mother in law well. She’s stubborn, determined and honest. Sometimes a bit too honest. A similarity that she shares with her also.

Joe opens the doors to the black SUV, and Taylor is relieved when he closes the door again. The cold air from outside was disturbing the warmth coming from the heating.

“All good?” Taylor just asks, not sure whether she means her little daughter who was just dropped off by her father or Joe and the chaos of not being on best terms with his family after last night. Joe shares a look with her, nods then. He doesn’t look thrilled but it seems that nothing else was said that would’ve ruined his mood this morning. He quickly starts the car, then unlocks his seatbelt for a second again to take off his winter jacket.

“You should take off your jacket, you’ll be cold when we arrive.” he says with a concerned look and she nods. He’s right. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than leaving the car and freezing because your body temperature has reached around a dozen degree in the past hour. Just as Joe starts driving and shortly after leaves the little lane leading from his parent’s house to the main road, Taylor has managed to take off her jacket without unbuckling her seatbelt and now sits back relaxed on the passenger seat again, taking a deep breath for once.

“Was she sad?” Taylor asks him, turns her head towards Joe who’s busy driving.

“She literally didn’t even look back. I said ‘Bye Eleanor, I will miss you’ and she just ran off and was like…. ‘Ok bye, dad’.” he says and Taylor has to cackle quietly with him.

“Ouch. She is basically a teenager now.” she says, and Joe nods with a sigh. He stops at a red light, then looks to the side to get a good look of the woman next to him. She’s wearing some make up today, her long hair wavy and covered in her beanie that makes her look absolutely adorable. She’s wearing some chapstick on her lips and it only makes her look fresher than these past days. His hand slowly wanders to her face, and with a smirk on his lips he bops her nose just once, making her giggle for a second.

“At least this means we get some alone time.” he says, and Taylor nods. A smile on her face. A small one but it’s still clearly there.

“Did your mom say anything, or…”

Joe’s smile slowly diminishes as the lights turn green and he continues driving. He takes a deep breath, doesn’t really like talking about this topic.

“She wants to talk to you. And to us. I mean she obviously keeps apologising but I told her not this weekend.”

Taylor nods. That’s a fair answer.

“I feel so bad that you’re spending Christmas away from your family. Not really speaking to them.” she mumbles then and it takes less than a second for Joe to interrupt her.

“Stop saying that. I’m spending the day with you. That’s all I want this year. That’s literally all I wanted for the past ten years.” he says with a confidence in his voice that makes her stomach weak. She takes a deep breath and smiles silently, as she already feels his hand reaching for hers right on her lap. He interlocks their fingers and this time his grip is stronger than usually. This means a lot to her. These days together mean a lot to her. It almost feels like a big shift has happened between them. A band that has been blocking them just ripped apart. Everything is on the table. All the ugliness and the hurt and the fears. And they still want each other. For good.

“I can’t remember the last time we took a day trip together without Eleanor. Do you?” she asks, her mood a lot better already. She looks over at him driving and he smiles too at the thought of it.

“I think it was when you were pregnant. And we got into this huge fight about…”

“Oh right.” she interrupts him, doesn’t really need to revisit this weekend once more. He proposed to her, she freaked out and made it clear to him that she’s not ready. A second time she turned him down. Little did she know just how much she would hurt him back then.

“So what are we gonna do today? You basically didn’t let me do any of the planning for the day so… tell me.” she says all excited for their little spontaneous getaway. Her hand still intertwined with his, her eyes on him who is carefully focused on the road. Everything is white on the outside, thanks to the icy snow on the streets. Aside from that, the weather isn’t necessarily great today. A white grey layer of clouds covering the sky. A classic English winter day.

“I booked us a little cabin. No guarantee that this will be nice but it had good reviews.” he says, already laughing apologetically. “And then I’d say we just.. walk around and go for a hike? Explore nature?” Taylor looks at him and presses her face against the backrest of her car seat. She loves this plan. She loves it a lot.

“Sounds great! But can I please make a request?” she mumbles, has raised her voice a little bit like always when she really wants something from him.

“Coffee. Next exit. I got it.” he says, already knew what she wanted from him. Taylor just laughs for once, then starts playing around with the console of his car, until she finds a sound she likes.

“You know me too well.”

“I do.” he just says, a quiet pause in the air. He often feels like he knows her better than himself. A strange but beautiful dynamic he’s never had with any other human being.

“Listen to this.” she smiles, turns up the music a little bit more. The same Kings of Leon song is playing that they both were obsessed with. Back then, when there was no Eleanor. She remembers very well when her obsession with this song started, knows that it must’ve been around Thanksgiving six years ago.

_______________

“The level of unfairness is unbearable. I’m serious.” Taylor just laughs, looks down at her hot chocolate mug in disappointment. Austin and her cousin Spencer cheer to her once more before taking a sip of her aunt’s delicious eggnog brandy. Andrea, who’s sitting on the sofa right next to her just laughs at her daughter, signaling her to at least try the marshmallow infused hot chocolate in her hand. She knows that her daughter is exaggerating, as always, but she still feels for her. It’s a lot of changes at once.

“Honey, next year. If you want I’ll make you one for Easter even.”

Taylor has to laugh at her aunt trying to soothe her, then takes a sip of the Christmas-y drink in her hand. She has to admit, the sweetness paired with the hot and soothing taste of a melted marshmallow is a great replacement for the liquor based drink she would usually have. Usually, around this time of the year, if there wasn’t a little someone taking up space in her belly and eating her food, too.

Scott slowly gets up from the spot he’s been sitting on at the other side of the family living room, has been discussing with Taylor’s uncle how much the value of their property will increase in the next year down here on the outskirts of Nashville. Her face suddenly wanders to the iPhone screen that is lighting up. She sits upright again, then reaches for the phone from the coffee table. All she can see is her wallpaper that is making her smile every time. Joe with a big smile, cuddling Benjamin close to his chest. Her favourite boys.

‘Be there in half an hour’

Taylor smiles confusedly. Didn’t his plane already arrive an hour ago?

“When’s Joe coming? The Turkey is ready.” Alison says, and Taylor looks up at her. She nods. They wanted to start dinner half an hour ago. She knows that Alison is usually the most relaxed person in the world. But when it comes to her Turkey, she’s getting a lot more serious than one would expect. Taylor wants to answer her, suddenly feels a rather uncomfortable kick in her belly. She places her hand on the spot that aches. Seems like the sugar rush from her hot chocolate has not just woken her up, but also the little kicking monster living inside of her.

“Sorry, he just texted me he’s late. I’m not sure why, but…”

“Maybe his flight was delayed?” Andrea interrupts her, and Taylor nods.

“We can start eating already though. I don’t want to make you all wait.”

“Oh, no way! We can wait for him. Why don’t you all sit down at the table and we will have the appetizers first.” Alison says, has already made her way to the kitchen again to adjust the temperature of her oven, not to burn the Turkey. Taylor grabs her phone, opens the chat with Joe again and starts texting.

‘Everything okay? We’ll start eating the first course now’

She hits send, can clearly see that he read her message already. She patiently waits for him to reply, but nothing. After a minute she puts her phone down, quietly smiles at her family that has just sat down around the round dining room table at her aunt’s house. She slowly gets up, the added weight on her feet noticeable every time. With her belly in front of her, Taylor slowly approaches the table. She loves Thanksgiving. Always has. Candles are lighting up the cozy living room. Alison has prepared the table with lots of autumnal style decorations. It has gone dark outside by now, but the fireplace at the end of the living room is lighting up the room in the warmest way possible.

“Why don’t you sit next to me, honey, and then Joe can sit next to you when he comes.” Alison already signals Taylor to take a seat in front of her. She just smiles, slowly sits down on the chair in front of her. After sitting down she checks her phone once more. No reply. Taylor feels irritated. Usually, Joe always texts back within seconds. Weird. She places her phone next to her, taking a sip from the water glass in front of her.

“I’ll get it.” Alison says with a knowing look on her face, slowly gets up to open the door. Taylor notices the stupid smile creeping up on her face. She’s so happy he’s finally here. She was always happy to see him after being separated for a week or more. But now, since her body is going through this new transition, it’s even nicer to know he’s home after a while. Home with her and her family, safe, soon be sitting down next to her around this warm and cozy dinner table.

It takes less than five seconds and Taylor has slowly gotten up as well, notices immediately that it takes her a tiny little bit longer to get up from the table than it usually does. In her leather boots with a low high heel, she slowly makes her way into the hallway, where Alison is already speaking to Joe. With her long, blonde and tonight slightly wavy hair, Taylor can see his suitcase being placed next to the door. She smiles at the sight, watches him pull back from the hug with Alison. Taylor now full on giggling as she approaches him, too. The kicking in her belly is getting a lot stronger. And she knows why. The butterflies arising in her belly from seeing him haven’t remained unnoticed by the little human living inside of her.

“Someone’s happy for you to be here it seems.” Alison smiles at her niece, who is already approaching the tall man with open arms. She hugs him tightly, feels how cold his jacket is from outside. But what she also notices is a weird smell. She closes her eyes though, knows very well that her sense of smell has been completely out of hand since a few weeks now. She closes her eyes for a second. He’s here.Finally.

“Hello, my love.” he whispers into her ear, right over her hair. She smiles still, doesn’t even notice that Alison is still witnessing the whole scenery. Taylor slowly pulls back and takes a good look at his face. He’s tired. There’s something else in his eyes. Taylor slowly kisses his lips, feels his stubble on her chin. But suddenly, there’s a different sensation she experiences. He tastes like alcohol. Is she going crazy now? Still standing as close to him as physically possible, he doesn’t seem to notice her confused face though. He’s way too focused on her belly already.

“Oh my god, she’s grown. Again.” he just says, as excited as he always is after not having seen her for more than a few days. She finds his excitement endearing, as always, just watches him lower himself in front of her and peppering the softest kisses onto her belly right over the striped wool dress she’s wearing. Taylor’s hand naturally lands on his hair. She strokes the soft short hair up and down until he seems to be done with his loving hello to her belly. This time, she’s kind of glad to have noticed Alison leaving the hallway again to give the two some privacy. Just when he stands upright again is when he notices her face. Joe gives her a confused look back, slowly takes off his jacket and hangs it up right next to the door. He looks handsome, absolutely gorgeous as always. His torso covered in the navy blue Burberry jumper she got him the other day.

“What?”

“Did you have a drink on the plane?”

Joe approaches her again, this time a smirk on his face. He doesn’t say anything, just grins at her, then lowers his head to be able to kiss her neck gently. She knows where his mind is going but she’s not having it.

“Why would you say that?” he asks then, pretends to be insulted all of the sudden.

“You smell like a bar.”

“I don’t.” he just laughs, shakes his head. He can see that she doesn’t like it, but he already places his warm hand in her neck, gets closer to kiss her forehead gently. “I had a drink, yes. Haven’t eaten yet.”

Taylor nods. She doesn’t know why it bothers her that he smells like alcohol. Perhaps because he never smells like this after a glass of wine, or perhaps because this is a Thanksgiving dinner and her entire family is patiently waiting in this living room for him. Him. The man who is getting praised by Taylor like no other. The man who got her pregnant. The boyfriend who has a lot of expectations on his shoulders now that they’re expanding their family.

Joe just smiles at her, his thumb stroking her cheek once.

“You look sexy.” he whispers. She just bites her lower lip, then shakes her head and grants him a look that says it all. She’s getting annoyed, even though he’s as handsome as he mostly is.

“Let’s go eat.”

“I read somewhere that the housing prices in Europe are skyrocketing as well. Didn’t you say that Joe’s family bought a property in Spain last year, Taylor?” Scott asks, was fully deepened into the conversation with Spencer as Taylor just quietly nods. She feels tense. Sitting there at the family table. She can see Joe sipping on his second glass of wine now. He slowly places the glass next to him again, is now trying to eat the baby carrot on his plate with his fork. But instead of pricking into the vegetable, he pricks into the plate. A creaking sound filling the dinner table. She feels embarrassed. Slowly leans back in her chair and takes a look at him. He’s drunk. To say the least. He’s absolutely wasted. Taylor doesn’t dare to look into her mother’s face who is clearly noticing Joe’s behaviour as well.

“Yes, my parents have bought a house in the Málaga region. It’s lovely, but… very expensive.” he says then, trying his best to sound sober. She notices that immediately. His mouth full while speaking. Taylor cannot believe it. She has never witnessed him like this.

“Oh, Málaga is gorgeous I heard.” Alison now says, pretends like Joe is acting normal. Like everyone around this table who doesn’t want to cause a scene or make Taylor uncomfortable. She has no idea why he got drunk on a plane by himself. He likes to drink, yes, has always been a wine lover. But he’s never lost control of himself, has never been careless enough to get this drunk before flying in for a family holiday.

Taylor feels relieved as everyone around the table emerges into another conversation that, this time, doesn’t involve her drunk boyfriend. He slowly turns around to her, grants her a smile with his eyes half closed. His left hand around the back of her chair whilst his other hand is now wandering to her belly. He just smiles at her, seems to be the only one around this table who doesn’t notice how drunk he is. While drawing circles on her belly with his hand, he kisses her temple gently. Taylor can see her mother watching them in the corner of her eye. The amount of explaining she will have to do after this dinner, already makes her mad.

“You look so beautiful.” he says then, obviously intended to whisper this statement into her ear but instead has said it in his normal voice. So loudly, that the entire table is looking at the couple now. Nobody around this table is unaware of the fact that he is intoxicated. Nobody except for Joe himself.

“Do you want some water?” she just replies quietly. She knows that causing a scene now will only embarrass her even more. But Joe looks at her confusedly now, his hand still on her thigh.

“No, why? I’m good.”

Taylor doesn’t say anything, just crosses her arms over her belly and looks away, acting as if she’s part-taking in the conversation around the table again. She can’t dare look at him. She can’t believe he’s acting like this in front of her family. On Thanksgiving. Whilst she is pregnant with his child.

“Okay, who wants dessert?” Alison now smiles into the round, finds Austin, Spencer and Taylor’s youngest cousin Kelly cheering on her aunt. She slowly gets up, just like Andrea does to start cleaning up the table by collecting the plates from main course. To her confusion, Taylor suddenly notices how Joe begins to get up as well, struggles a bit to stable the plates over each other. Obviously.

“Let me help you, Alison.” he says in a thick accent. His English accent always getting especially thick when he’s had a few drinks. Taylor can’t believe it.

“Oh no, don’t worry, Joe. I got it.”

Taylor signals him to sit back down again. He can feel how mad she is, the way she grabs his arm a bit more harsh than per usual.

“What?” he asks then, his head turned to her again. And Taylor sincerely hopes that her cousins are too focused on their conversation to notice this interaction between her and the man by her side. She just looks into his eyes, long and deep and Joe doesn’t say anything further. It hurts. The disappointment in her eyes. The anger. The same damn look he gives himself most days, actually. But seeing it in her eyes hurts him even more. He doesn’t say anything further, just reaches for this glass of wine and takes another sip. He knows he’s a burden. A mess. Not ready for any of this.

_______________

“Okay, that was officially the worst idea I’ve had in a while.”

Taylor can’t help but laugh at him. He’s grumpy. He hates this. She can see it in his eyebrows, and the familiar look in his face.

“No this is beautiful! Look!” she squirms, her demeanor the complete opposite of him. Joe can’t help but smile at the woman in front of him now, who’s standing in the middle of the road. Both hands in the air, obviously loving this moment while dancing in a circle. They’re both walking down Mermaid Street, a tiny old lane that leads through the village centre of Rye. The snow that has stopped falling from the sky a few hours ago has now come back. And not just slightly. It’s falling down heavily. Massive amounts of snowflakes in his face that turn into water quickly. Thank god they’re both wearing winter boots and the thickest jackets they’ve got. Joe looks into her happy face. Her nose is slightly red but she seems fulfilled, closing her eyes once at the sensation of snowflakes on her face. He can’t believe she loves snow this much. Her excitement for these things is still as strong as it was a decade ago when he met her.

“It’s beautiful until the snow’s in your boots. And your jacket.”

“You’re a grumpy old man, you know that?”

He can’t help but laugh at her. She’s not wrong. Instead, she waits for him to catch up with her and happily reaches for his hand. Both of their gloves touching. She likes this. She likes being covered from head to toe while walking through this empty, almost lonely village far away from busy London. These old brick houses make everything even more cozy. And she likes this thought of no one here really caring about them. She likes the thought that she has the whole day ahead with him here. Just Joe and her. With nothing to do on a snowy winter day.

“Let’s go back home.” he says then. She has to giggle again and looks at him. His beard is covered in snow. He really doesn’t look too happy.

“Oh come on, let us enjoy this winter day for a bit longer. We have the entire day left to take a hot bath and fuck in this old cabin.”

He just looks at her speechless for a second. A smirk on his face. She has no filter sometimes.

“Well…The Great Poet Taylor Swift has spoken.”

Taylor giggles again, gets a bit closer to him while walking down the road through the snow. She gushes at him, smiles warmly as she hugs his arm. But instead, Joe slowly lets go off her to be able to place his arm properly around her. She appreciates his gesture. She appreciates it a lot.

“Where are we going by the way?” she mumbles after a while, the snow that falls onto her not really getting less. She is really focused on the ground underneath her now, a bit worried that she might slip and fall as a lot of ice has built up on the old cobble stone street.

“I originally wanted to show you the famous Rye Castle. But.. I’m thinking maybe the pub it is?” he suddenly stops walking and points to the pub at the corner right next to them. As much as Taylor loves to visits national monuments from the thirteenth century - the warm light radiating from this pub looks a lot more like what she needs in this moment. A dry and warm place to recover from the snow. A good drink. Getting rid of her beanie that is fully covered in snow by now.

“Do you think people would..”

Joe slowly looks down at her. He’s not surprised that she’s hesitant.

“It’s Christmas Day. I would be surprised if anyone is even in there.”

Taylor nods. She signals him that they should just take a peak inside. Within fifteen seconds, Joe has opened the door to the old pub and the warmth in Taylor’s face makes her smile instantly. The entire place is being heated up by the fire place at the end of the establishment. Old paintings from what seems to the the thirteenth century are gracing the walls. The wooden floor creaking under her as Joe takes a look around. Jackpot. No other guests seem to be here today.

Taylor smiles happily, as the waiter already signals them to choose any seat they want before wishing them a Merry Christmas. Joe gives her one last look, then already makes his way to the very back of the old pub. Right until they arrive in front of the fireplace, where a dark green couch is placed facing it sideways. A little coffee table in front of them. Heaven.

“Oh my god, this is so nice.” Taylor just says happily, starts to take off her beanie, scarf and winter jacket just like Joe does. Within a few seconds, both winter jackets have been placed at the end of the couch by Joe, and Taylor has already sat down on the couch, her hands facing the fire. As Joe slowly sits down next to her, he has to laugh quietly. Her cheeks are red, her bangs a bit wet from the snow. But her hands seem to have been freezing the most. In slight pain, Taylor is trying to warm them up by holding them close to the warm air coming from the fireplace.

“Cold hands?”

She nods, as Joe already reaches for them, holds both small hands in his to warm these. He looks at her with gentle eyes, leans down to kiss her hands once that he warms so gently.

“Thanks. That’s better.” she whispers. Just in that moment, the waiter approaches them, already places two menus on the coffee table in front of the pair. After a few seconds, Joe places one last kiss on the now lukewarm hands of the blonde woman and reaches for the menu to pass it to her.

“Are you hungry?”

Taylor nods, already studies the menu card in her hands.

“I think I need a hot chocolate and a snack. Should we share some fries?”

“Sharing as in you eat two thirds of it?”

She looks at him, has to laugh already. He remembers how bad she is at sharing her food. And it hasn’t changed in the past years. It really hasn’t.

“You’re mean.” she says amusedly, still studying the food menu on her lap. “Oh my god they have scones with clotted cream and jam.” she says then, her excitement hard to be contained.

“What about we order fries and the scones?”

Joe looks up from the menu a second time today. She knows this look too well. He looks both disgusted and surprised.

“Are you pregnant again? Or should I be concerned?”

Taylor already giggles, closes the menu in her hand and places it in front of her. She’s made a decision.

“Remember the peanut butter sandwiches?”

Joe can’t help but laugh with her. How could he forget? Back when Taylor was pregnant with Eleanor he spent his days making her peanut butter sandwiches. Because for whatever reason, wheat bread (wheat toast with seeds specifically) and creamy peanut butter were the only nutrients she could keep down. So he ended up making her peanut butter toasts for when she woke up and her stomach was empty or when she had work commitments and had to leave the house for more than an hour. He’s literally spent the Vanity Fair Oscar Party with a peanut butter toast wrapped in plastic wrap in the pocket of his Gucci jacket. Simply because Taylor’s handbag was already packed with another peanut butter sandwich. And running on an empty stomach for her meant that she would end up hovering over the toilet. Something they both worked towards avoiding for months.

“I think I never had peanut butter ever again after Eleanor was born.”

Taylor laughs and nods. She looks back into Joe’s face again. His mind just went down memory lane. And so did hers.

“I really like thinking back to this time. Even though I know that it wasn’t easy.” she says then, has gotten a bit more quiet now. Joe looks surprised. He nods slowly, appreciates her words and the gentle smile on her face.

“I didn’t make it easy for you, did I?” he says then, has gotten a lot more quieter than before. He suddenly acts like he’s studying the menu, but she knows he’s not. All he does is trying to avoid her eyes in this moment. Taylor just almost starts laughing, a slight rush of air escaping her mouth. But suddenly, she realizes that he’s being serious. She cannot believe it. This is not what she meant when she said that it wasn’t an easy time. It certainly is not.

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks him, her face fully focused on his. He doesn’t really react, slowly closes the menu though and places the paper in front of him on the coffee table again. He knows he will eventually have to look at her again, swallows once and simply does it.

“I think, I.. I was never… if it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve…”

He feels her cold hand on his. A firm grip, stopping him from further talking.

“Just… I know you were struggling at the time. But you really never ever made me feel like you didn’t want me. Or her. And.. you really worked on yourself back then. I know you did. And I know you did it cause you loved me. And her. And that always meant a lot to me.” she says, her voice strong and still emotional because his face makes her emotional. He looks apologetic. Apologetic for something she doesn’t agree with. Joe has made mistakes, yes. But that is not how she remembers this time. All she remembers from back then is that feeling of having a family, that she has never had before. That feeling of belonging she has never experienced in her life before. Waking up with flutters and butterflies in her stomach. Feeling more loved by him than ever before. This feeling of forever in her bones. A gentle breeze of unconditional support he brought into her life, day by day, minute by minute. That’s how she remembers this time.

She now feels his hand on hers, his thumb drawing circles over her hand. He looks at her, his eyes so appreciative of her words. She just shakes her head. Unbelievable how much she loves this man in front of her.

Joe takes a deep breath, smiles at her, then looks down at their intertwined hands for a minute. Her words mean a lot. More than a lot. He’s made so many mistakes. So many mistakes yet this incredible person still sits there, right next to him, looking at him as if he puts the stars into the sky. Continuing to decide to just see the good in him. Even in the person he was back then. A mess. An absolute mess.

“Thanks for loving me, back then.” he says, looks up at her and smiles gently. He’s opening up. And it brings her goosebumps.

“Thanks for never giving up on me. You really made me a better person, Tay. Even more so after leaving me. Back then. You.. you’re the reason I am who I am. If you hadn’t left me, I..” he stops, and Taylor feels nervous. The creaking of the fireplace audible in her ears.

“I grew up. Thanks to you. Everything you did, made me grow. So.. thank you.”

She looks at him, a slight smile creeping up on her face. She never expected this man to say these words to her. She never expected him to reach this newfound level of self-reflection, wisdom and confidence he has now. She’s proud of him. Proud of the twenty-five year old boy she fell in love with back then, and proud of the thirty-six year old father he is today. She has loved every ounce of him in between then and now. She didn’t know him twenty years ago, but she loves who he was back then. And she will love who he is twenty years from now. She already does. An older version of Joe. With a few more dimples in his face and the same lack of hair as his father. There’s love in between those lines, even where there was hurt once.

_______________

“Let me do that.” he says, has stood up from the side of the bed already. He doesn’t like seeing her carry her heavy suitcase from the floor onto the little side table at the end of the guest room. With her belly in front of her, she just drops the bag, a loud noise erupting as she lets the bag fall down again. Joe just stands there right next to her, a little out of place, struggling to remain upright, just watches her ignore him. She’s reaching for her pajamas and the little flower-patterned toiletry bag. Her nails painted in different colours. It pains him to feel once more how much he loves these little things.

“I know I’ve had a bit too much…”

“A bit? Interesting, Joe.” she interrupts him, still not looking at him. Joe sighs. His head is turning. He knows she’s mad. And he’s sorry. He’s sorry for making her mad. He’s sorry for being this version of himself. He would do anything to shove it away, store it under the bed and lock it in a box forever. But he can’t. This is the reality. This is how weak he really is. This baby would be screwed without her, that’s for sure. He wonders sometimes where this guy went. The guy that she fell in love with back then. The guy who was funny and kind and heroic and always broke. He must have gotten lost somewhere. Somewhere between movie sets and airplanes and time zones and camera flashes. And palm trees and properties. Playing high and playing fast. Being good, better, the best.

Joe just stops following her from where he’s standing, watches her disappear in the bathroom. She closes the door, a bit louder than per usual. Joe doesn’t say anything, just lets himself fall onto his side of the bed. With one grip, he pulls off his right shoe, just sits there in trance for another minute before taking off his left one as well. He knows it got out of hand. He knows he drank too much. The room is spinning. He’s angry. At himself. More than anything. He just sits there, his shoe still in his hand, quietly hearing the water in the bathroom running. She must be washing her face before going to bed. Joe swallows, doesn’t move. He just takes a good look at his shoe, remembers her face from before. All he can see is her face from before. The sheer disappointment mixed with shock and fear in the eyes of the person he values the most. He loves everything about her. Her bravery, her sharp mind, her kindness, her smile. Not an inch about her he would deserve. Joe feels a first tear building up in his eyes. One day, she will go. And everything will loose its meaning. Everything. Within a split seconds, the anger in him spills over. He aggressively takes the shoe, throws it at the end of the room, almost pushing over the chair that was next to the table at the end of the room. Suddenly he spies with his eyes that she had left the bathroom already. Just stands there in shock between the bathroom door and him. Her eyes following the shoe he just threw aggressively across the room. He can’t dare look into her face again, cannot take seeing these disappointed eyes for another second.

“Are you out of your mind?” she just says, this time a bit louder than before. Joe looks at her. She has changed into her pajamas already, her open hair hanging over her naked shoulders. Her make up free face as beautiful as ever and the big belly almost making her more attractive than ever before. He swallows. Fear is building up in her face. Fear and anger. He hates himself for this.

“I guess I am.” he says then, his voice almost fully gone. Taylor just stands there, feels as if her throat has stopped providing her with air. She wants to cry, because she doesn’t know who this person is. She knows he struggles. She knows his anxiety becomes unbearable sometimes, and it makes him shut down. But she’s never experienced him like this. Neglecting. Drunk. Aggressive. Cold.

“Is this how you want to be from now on? Getting fucked up alone on an airplane and throwing your shoes at me?”

Joe doesn’t say anything, his hand wandering to his eyes. He’s tired. He’s so so tired, and the floor under him is still moving. He swallows again, the sight of her bare feet and legs standing in front of him still visible in the corner of his eye. She just sighs angrily, then storms off into the bathroom again. He still covers his face in his hands. Why is this sweater so warm. So tight. Almost making it hard for him to breathe.

“You know what? You can sleep by yourself tonight. I’m not getting into bed with this person. And yes, I’m saying ‘this person’ because I have no idea who the fuck you are. Do you know how I feel right now?” she says, has just gotten her phone from the bathroom and now stands in front of him again, almost begging him to wake up from this state and become the man again who she knows so well. He can hear her voice changing. And every second passing by hurts him more and more and more.

“Disappointed.” he answers her, and she can’t even react out of shock. She is worried about him. Seriously, worried. In the past five years, she has never witnessed him like this. Not for a single second.

“I love you, Joe. But I don’t like you right now.”

He doesn’t say anything for a second, then dares to look at her once more.

“I don’t like myself either. So let’s call it even.”

Taylor just stands there, barefoot, her pajama shorts covering her long legs. Both arms crossed anxiously right over her belly. She just looks at him, desperately trying to find an answer in his face but she doesn’t. Maybe this is what everyone always warned her about. Maybe this is what ‘for better and for worse’ really means. Overcoming all the hurt and all the anger inside of her chest, she slowly lets both her arms fall out of the strong and anxious grip from before. She takes a deep breath, then takes one step closer to him. He doesn’t move, just sits there on the side of the bed, staring into white wall behind her. She slowly sits down next to him, just looks at him. Doesn’t say anything. Her belly a bit in the way, as always. She sits there in silence with him. And she can feel the pain radiating from him as her hand touches his shoulder.

“Talk to me.” she whispers. She’s not sure he’s heard her. She’s not even sure herself if she really got these words out of her mouth. It takes a lot in her, to let him treat her this way, and still take one step towards him. But this is what love is. This is what she swore herself back then, when this incredible man got into her life and saved her from destroying herself. She swore herself back then that she would do the same for him. Swore herself that she would love him no matter what. No matter how much darkness they would both have to surpass together.

“I want you to talk to me.” she says again, this time a bit louder, just to make sure he hears her properly. Just looking at his side profile brings her pain already. Because she feels how much pain he is in right now.

“Joe.” she says again, this time her left hand landing on his cheek and making him look at her. Just when she has managed to turn his face to hers, she doesn’t just notice the drunk eyes. She also notices the hot tear running down his cheek as his blue eyes look at her. She swallows.

“I’m not the guy I used to be.” he confesses in a shaking voice. “And you deserve someone who’s not a walking question mark or.. just a shell of a person.” he whispers. His breath filled with tears. His throat tightened. He’s crying, drunk crying and still trying to hide it from her. She swallows. Her hand is not moving away from his cheek. Not even an inch.

“Stop this..”

“I don’t know anymore who I am or what I want and I don’t think I can be a good father for her or a partner for you. That’s the truth.”

“Do you want me?” she asks him then, her face as close to his as humanly possible. Her nose almost touches his, and his hot tears on her hand make her skin break into goosebumps. This is the lowest she’s ever witnessed him. Ever.

“Taylor..”

“You said you don’t know anymore what you want. So I’m asking you, do you want me?”

He swallows, dares to look into her eyes. He nods. The only thing he is certain about is his feelings for her. She knew what his answer would be. There’s no anxiety in her face.

“Then let’s make sure we remind you again who you are.”

“We?”

She nods. Her forehead slowly touching his. He doesn’t know where she’s going with this but the certainty in her grip around his face makes him understand.

“You loved me when I didn’t love myself. And I love you, Joe. I love you so much. And so does your baby. You’re.. you’re always enough for me. Always. We’re three now. And you don’t need to be this idea of perfect that you have in your head. To me, you have always been perfect. Every version of you.” she whispers against his face, both her eyes closed. Just like his. He’s crying. He’s hurt her deeply yet she decides to see the good in him. She suddenly feels his chest heaving up and down. She can’t believe it. It takes less than a few seconds and he breaks down, his face pressed into her neck. He’s bawling. His big hands holding onto the fabric of her pajamas. She’s glad he’s finally allowing himself to feel what he’s feeling. She’s glad he’s opening up to her. It takes a few minutes in her arms to calm down. For his chest to move slower, and his breath to get more steady again. He feels her small hands in the back of his neck, stroking the ends of his blonde hair gently. All he feels is love and understanding. After a while, he slowly lets go off her, both her hands already in his face again, wiping away the tears from his cheeks. He knows his eyes are puffy and swollen. His worst self, sitting right in front of her.

“We will get through this together. I promise, it won’t always feel this way. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” she says then, and Joe once more doesn’t know how he would ever deserve her in this moment. He nods. He nods because she means what she says.

“I love you.” he suddenly breathes against her, with a shaky breath and a sunken head. “And I’m so.. I’m so..” he doesn’t need to finish his sentence to make her feel just how sorry he is. She knows. She knows in the way he sits there, almost can’t take her gentle hands stroking his hair. He feels embarrassed and ashamed for how he behaved. He feels ashamed and embarrassed for not showing her his best version today. For disappointing her when she needs him the most.

“I know.” she says then, moves her thumb on his cheek once to make him look at her again. His eyes are still empty and full of pain, but the shame is too prominent for her to take. She slowly gets closer to him again, kisses him for a second. She then lets go off him and kisses him again. Just quickly. Just quick enough to make him understand that she’s okay. She understands now why he acted this way. She forgives him. She has been where he is.

“My parents do think you’re a drunk now, though. So you’ll have a lot of explaining to do.” she says then, tries to make him break a smile but fails. He just nods. he nods again and again. Not knowing if he will ever be able to fix this. Himself. Their relationship. The fact that he wasn’t who she needed this time.

“You..” he stops. He can’t find the right words. His chin is trembling again. Her hand lands in his neck. She kisses his forehead once. He doesn’t need to speak, doesn’t need to explain himself. She knows what he wants to say.

“I have something for you.” she suddenly says, and he looks at her confusedly. “I mean, it’s not like you deserve a present after this evening, but I got you something.” she says, wiping away his tears one more time before she slowly gets up and walks to her suitcase at the end of the room.

_______________

“Baby, if we want to buy some stuff for dinner we have to…” she stops for a second, even though Joe has pulled back already. He just looks at her, his skin still a bit damp from before, his hand still on her naked hips. He waits for her to say something else, but she gives in again. He grins, giggles quietly and steals her another kiss before gently pounds back into her again. She moans quietly, then louder, more and more desperate, definitely sweating by now. The fireplace in this cabin is burning since hours. She should’ve asked him to dim it a bit before they got lost with each other in this bed.

The romantic Christmas Day hike in this gorgeous tiny little village ended after a good hour and a half. They just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Their sexual tension has always been there, but it’s almost like an old flame slowly turned into a wildfire. And Taylor wouldn’t complain. She couldn’t complain. It’s been years since she’s had sex like this. Emotional sex, good sex, giving, receiving and mind-blowingly addictive.

Joe pounds slowly into her, watches her bite her lower lip at the sensation of him inside of her. Her eyes on his, a thousand thoughts on her mind. He wants to know every single one. He wants to be able to read every dirty thought she has in this moment, wants to push her over the edge and make her feel things she’s never felt before. Taylor slowly lets herself fall back into the pillow, closes her eyes in satisfaction while rolling her head back. After a few moments she looks back into his face, and it does things to him.

“Let me.. let me be on top, please, baby.” she mumbles then, breathing heavily and Joe slowly pulls out of her before laying down next to her again. He’s breathing heavily as well, his blonde hair in all directions with this one strain of hair falling into his face. She loves this version of him. It makes her knees go weak in an instant.

“By the way, this cabin turned into a sauna.” she says, making him laugh for a second. He watches her adjust herself on top of him. His hands on her upper torso. He loves feeling the dampness radiating from her skin. He loves how bothered she is, her mascara on her cheek, her eyes full of lust and love for him.

“I like it actually.” he murmurs in a thick accent, appreciates that she lowers herself to be able to kiss him. The ends of her blonde hair tickling his neck. She tastes so good. He could get lost in her taste.

“I like it when you taste sweaty.” he adds, making the woman on top of him giggle into the kiss.

“You’re making it weird.”

He laughs again, but holds his breath after a split second as she begins her movements on top of him. He knew from the very first moment why she wants to be on top again. It’s always been her thing. Whenever she’s close to finishing, she needs to be in control of the friction between them. It’s one of these things she’s never spoken about. But he’s spent years of loving her. Years of satisfying her in any way he can. He smiles up at her from the pillow where his head rests, can feel her place her hands on top of his chest. He appreciates her riding him the way she does. Slow, but intensive. Her mouth escaping profanities.

“God fucking Jesus christ, fuck me.” she mouths then, and he can’t help but breath out some air, laughing slightly.

“Don’t. Not on Christmas. Not Jesus. You’ll go to hell.” he mouths, and she wants to laugh at his comment, but she can’t. He feels too good. She moans slowly, suddenly feels both his hands gently massaging her inner thighs. His thumbs drawing circles back and forth. Back and forth. He knows exactly what to do to get her to finish.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” she moans again, her hips gracefully moving on his lap. She’s about to loose herself on him, and Joe himself feels his lower region getting tighter and tighter as well. After a few seconds she leans closer to him, exhaustedly places her hands next to his pillow while continuing to ride him. He loves to feel her hair on his face, loves to feel the air escaping her mouth on his face. She looks so beautiful and sexy. Just looking at her like this would easily get him to finish. With closed eyes, she suddenly reaches for his left hand, places it on her full boob. She’s close. Oh, she’s so close.

“You’re gonna come for me, baby?” he breathes heavily, half breathing, half whispering with one hand on her boob and the other one guiding her hips on his. Words have always been her thing. He knows how it always pushes her over the edge to dirty talk with him, especially when she’s clearly in the mood, just like she was today. She’s been giving him this look all day today, has not even missed a single chance to brush over his bum or touch him in any way. Taylor nods, eyes still closed, her hand now securely over his on her bare breast. She doesn’t want him to let go. And she’s close. Oh so close.

“I’m gonna come.” she breathes again, struggles to form a full sentence and with eyes still closed until he feels her clutch around him. All of the sudden, she’s not able to keep her steady movements up from before. But he does the job for her, moves his hips up and down to keep the friction up. She moans loudly, almost screams down this room. Her hand around his hand, that is tightly squeezing her left boob. She lowers her head in her desperate cries, a little satisfied frown in her face until her lips finally find his. With parted lips, Joe kisses her, his tongue slowly meeting hers. He feels a moist sensation in his lower region, which increases the friction between them even more. His right hand moves onto her bare ass, then wanders slowly over her naked torso. He loves feeling her naked and damp body so close. He loves how she looses herself on him, knows damn well that he can barely contain himself at this point. Her lips still parted, she moans into the kiss, seems to be too lost in her own lust to notice him biting her lower lip gently. And it takes less than five seconds until he feels himself exploding in her. His hand on her boob clutching together as hard as hers, just a few moments ago. With closed eyes, he moans once, his right hand now in her hair. She knows exactly what to do to finish him off in the most satisfying way. Her eyes still closed, she continues riding him slowly a few times. So long, and so slow until she collapses on his body. She feels his exhausted breathing, and so does he. That’s when he can already hear her giggling into his neck. The mess he’s just made slowly dripping out of her. He starts to smile, his hand now securely on her head, caressing her hair up and down while they both try to come back down to earth again. Two hearts that beat extra fast and the heat of their bodies radiating from them.

“Fuck, that was…” she stops, her legs feel to weak to move properly. “That was the best holiday fuck. Ever.” she finishes her sentence, making him laugh quietly. He feels the exhaustion as much as her, notices only now how sweaty they both really are.

“We should do this every Christmas from now on. A sex holiday. With no kids or family. Just sex. Lots of sex.”

He laughs again, before it gets more quiet again. They have both just pushed each other to their limits. The best exhaustion in the air. He closes his eyes for a second, loves that he is able to notice how her breathing slows down. Nothing but the creaking of the fireplace in his ears. He can feel Taylor move then. She slowly lifts her head up from his shoulder and looks at him for the first time since she finished. Her bangs are sticky on her forehead and she’s got this healthy flush on her face while he’s still physically inside of her. A sense of intimacy in the air that gives him goosebumps. He never wants to share these moments with anyone else ever again. Intimacy is for him and Taylor. He could never ever be that close to someone else. And frankly, has he ever truly been before?

“I love this. Every bit of this.” he smiles into her face and she does the same, gets closer to him, tickles his nose with hers for a second before giving his lips a gentle kiss.

“My sex god.”

He can’t help but laugh again. She’s the master in being an absolute weirdo after intimate moments like these. His hand now brushing her bangs from her forehead. She’s hot. He can feel that. The sweat in her face being the most attractive thing he’s ever witnessed. He continues smiling at her from where he’s laying, the satisfied smile on his face more evident than anything ever before.

“Want me to turn down the fireplace a bit?” he says, as she breathes out exhaustedly. She really is hot, and he wants her to be comfortable after all. Taylor just nods, appreciates the offer. But what she doesn’t like is the fact that she now has to roll down from his body again, to let him leave the bed for a second. She steals him one last sloppy kiss, then slowly pushes herself out of him. As she hovers over him, she looks down on herself, and then back up at him in shock. He’s already smirking.

“Did you notice that I became a fountain when I…”

“I did. Trust me.”

She grins, knows exactly that she would be extremely embarrassed if this was anyone else but Joe. But with him, it’s just different. He has seen her give birth. He has seen her body in sickness, in health and everything in between. There’s nothing she could physically do to make him not find her attractive anymore. That’s the type of confidence she definitely has when it comes to him. She slowly lets herself fall onto the damp sheets, watches him leave the bed to walk closer to the fireplace in the living room of this old cabin. Thank god, they have pulled the curtains back before engaging in these activities in the last hour. Taylor just lays there, on top of the bedsheets, naked, admiring the naked man in front of her who is busy working on the fireplace. His most intimate parts dangling nakedly between his legs. She has to grin. Why is she able to have the most animalistic sex ever, and then turn into a little kid five seconds later who has to smirk about genitals?

“What time is it?” she asks from bed then, hasn’t moved her head a bit yet. She’s exhausted. Her body feels satisfied but deeply exhausted. She could pass out and fall asleep right here if she wanted to. But the blonde, naked man just walks back towards her.

“Late. Very late. I think shops might be closed already.”

She sighs. Of course their mindless afternoon fuck would have it’s consequences. No dinner. On Christmas Day.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you fed. A nice McDonald’s dinner by the motorway perhaps? We can also get it as take out and turn this cabin into a candle light dinner to make it more festive.”

She can’t help but giggle at him, as he’s already crawled back into bed with her. As naked as he was before, Joe slowly hovers over her, then leans in to kiss her gently as he can already feel her hug him like a panda. It’s hard to put into words how happy he is. It’s hard to put into words what it’s like living in a day dream. What it’s like to realize that things can go right sometimes. What it’s like to realize that she was always right. It was always him.

“Merry Christmas, my sweet love.” she whispers against his lips and Joe smiles at her cheesiness. She would never say things like this. Unless it’s in bed. In the middle of the night and she feels close enough to him to open up and be as soft as she really is. “A year ago, I never thought this would ever happen to be honest.” she adds whispering. Her small fingers already stroking his beard up and down.

Joe swallows, then takes a deep breath. He’s still on top of her naked but warm body. He nods slowly, looks deeply into her eyes before stealing her nose a gentle kiss. He knows it’s time for this. He knows there’s nothing in between them anymore.

“Did you.. did you mean what you said last night?”

Taylor still looks directly into his blue eyes while laying underneath him on the white pillow of this old bed. He’s fully ready and prepared to find her freaking out now, but the opposite is happening. He did not expect that. She just nods gently, still stroking his cheek. Her eyes looking into his. He feels as if they’re one right now. Has never felt closer to her ever before.

“I did. Yeah.”

“So you.. you want to get married?”

Taylor takes a deep breath, her hand still caressing him. He doesn’t know if he’s tripping, but he feels as if her hand on his skin is shaky all of the sudden. She swallows for once, Joe’s hand has already wandered to her face. He strokes her cheek gently. She’s nervous. He didn’t want to cause this discomfort.

“That was a bit direct, I didn’t…”

“No, it’s.. it’s fine. I…”

She’s looking for words. It’s the first time she’s ever done that. Her. The most communicative and lyrically skilled person on this planet.

“I feel like.. I feel like life gave us a taste of.. what could have been, you know?”

“What do you mean?” he asks quietly, still stroking the soft skin in her face. He can’t really follow her words, doesn’t properly understand what she’s trying to tell him with this.

“If we.. if we would not work out. There was.. there was Naomi and.. and Robert, and.. we were okay, right?”

He suddenly understands. He nods. Just the thought of the past years hurts him physically. Especially now that he’s laying in her arms. In this warmth. Her breath on his. Her hand on his bare chest.

“We were okay, yeah.”

Taylor takes a pause, then tries to form words again that, for the first time, don’t seem to come naturally to her.

“I used to think I couldn’t live without you. Turns out I can. But.. I just feel like, it’s not worth it.”

He smiles. She put it very well. Life without each other is not worth it, not really. Not being together was not the solution.

“That’s why.. I’m not saying that we have to get married tomorrow but… I just have these dreams of our lives. I still have them, Joe. Just like back then.” she says, almost apologetic for the fact that she feels herself getting emotional while she lays here on this pillow, under him, and as naked as can be. A small tears escapes her eye, slowly dripping over the side of her face and getting caught up in her blonde hair. He doesn’t know if this is the aftermath of her watering eyes during sex or if this is her love for him. Her love for him that has boiled up on her chest and overwhelmed her slowly. Joe gets closer to her. His nose touching hers. He wants to kiss her once, but it wouldn’t do justice to what actually needs to be done.

“I.. I have to show you something.” he suddenly whispers against her lips. He looks serious, all of the sudden. Serious but assured. Confident almost. A bit confused over the fact that he just left the bed, just ended this intimate moment so abruptly, Taylor looks after him. She then sits up a little bit as she finds him walk back to her. The white sheets covering her torso, her hair still damp on her face. Joe slowly sits down in front of her again, this time with something in his hand.

She holds her breath.

He sits there, naked, a black little box in his hand.

She just looks at him, but there’s no nervousness in his eyes. The calmest calm she’s witnessed in his face. She doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, just watches him open the box. In front of her, the most beautiful vintage diamond ring. No opal shape, no special embellishments. Just a round, gorgeous diamond ring that sparkles brightly. She looks at the ring, then at him. He still doesn’t speak. He just takes out the ring of the box.

“I.. I have this ring since.. since November four years ago.”

She swallows again. She doesn’t know what to say.

“You.. you gave me this vintage watch when.. before Eleanor was born. And.. it had Three Musketeers engraved on the inside. Right after the most horrible Thanksgiving dinner of your life. And.. I’ll never forget this moment because it meant the world to me. Because I.. I was lost. I was lost in myself and my life, but.. you and Eleanor.” he stops then, takes an emotional and lets out a good breath of air because he’s still amazed by this feeling when talking about it.

“You and Eleanor made me feel this… this purpose. Like.. I am something. I am someone. You really taught me how to love, Tay. Both of you. And with every day passing by, you...” Joe stops, scratches his beard. He’s getting emotional. His eyes still on the ring in his hands. Suddenly, his words are gone. Because words can’t do justice for what he feels right now.

“I got you this ring a week before.. before you…” he stops again, his voice almost breaking. He can’t dare to look into her face again. Instead, his gaze is fully focused on the ring in his hands.

“I wanted you to know that I was still holding onto who we were before Eleanor was in your belly. Who I wanted to be for you and her. I was never perfect, and I’m still not perfect. But I wanted to be better for you. Not just for you, but for me. And…” he stops again, cannot stop looking at the diamond in his hand. It’s not just a ring. It’s as fundamental as the love he carried around with himself for the past four years.

“I want to grow old with you. And I want our children to grow up with us. And I want you to be my wife. And I.. I promise, this time I will be your partner. Your husband, if you want that.”

Taylor just sits there, tears streaming down her face. He only notices the smile under her tears once he stopped speaking. She doesn’t move, just reaches for his hand. She’s shaking, her hand sweatier than ever. She holds his hand for a bit, looks into his eyes, then takes the ring from his hand and takes a good look.

“You already are my partner, Joe.” she says crying, swallows once, then looks back up at him and smiles.

“But I would like you to be my husband, too. I really would like that a lot.”

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