#chronicles of therapy

[wisteriadaisies]

i don’t update a lot, i know. i don’t know where to start. i had some issues with work with not being scheduled new clients despite wanting some, so that was really, really stressful. i was feeling low and not valued, wondering if it was me.

but since yesterday i have been realllly sad and anxious about soccer (🫠) tierna davidson, my favorite player, left a match injuried. there will probably be an update tomorrow, and im really hoping it’s just a knock and she’ll be able to continue the tournament. 🙏🏻 it was kind of an ambiguous injury (a contact one (which is a good sign), was able to walk off on her own) so who knows what it could be. it’s not like she was screaming or crying and had to be taken off on a stretcher, which would give more of a sign.

i talked about it in therapy today, and it was really nice that my therapist was just supportive and sweet about it, validating me. how everyone has their interests and gets into things.

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last week i asked my therapist if i’m her most difficult client and she paused before answering, saying that i am not difficult to work with or talk to, she just has invested a lot in me. still damn

[wisteriadaisies]

my medication might be helping me and i am so scared.

i already wrote an entire post on my instagram and sent an email to my therapist (who, bless her soul, already responded with a nice reassuring message) so i am not really feeling another long vulnerable post?

basically, anxiety is my constant. it’s always there. tense muscles, tight chest, racing thoughts. and since this weekend it has been reduced. i still feel anxious every day, i’m not miraculously cured or any other kind of bullshit, but it’s not as much.

i spiraled last night over this. because even though i have been in therapy and actively looking for a medication for years, my anxiety is also comforting to me. letting it go means change, and i fucking hate change. anxiety is my identity, anxiety is the center of my life. not like it was purposeful, but it’s the truth. i feel anxious 90% of the time. it’s how i literally function.

recently it has been less. and i feel like i don’t know who i am anymore. it’s like i had a limb cut off of me. i want that feeling of anxiety because it is all that i have known for the past almost eight years.

rationalizing through this seems really daunting at the moment. so this is more me putting out all of my fears and worries, not trying to talk myself through it and be rational. that will come later.

edit: please don’t do anything but like this post. i’m overwhelmed as much as it is that even supportive comments feel like they would be too much at this point. thank you.

[wisteriadaisies]

my therapist is changing jobs.

i can still see her, that’s the most important thing. it’s going to be a further drive, but not terrible. 30 minutes instead of 20. she told me she will accept any insurance from me (i’m getting off my parents’ insurance when i turn 26 in a few months).

but yet this still has me frazzled. i have been going to the same building for seven years. the same office. a space where i have felt safe and heard, where i was able to process and talk about my thoughts and emotions. it feels silly, but my therapist pointed out that 1. i have never liked change, positive or negative. and 2. i am just finding out, while she has known about this and it’s been a work in progress for her. i have to process this information.

i saw her yesterday, and i’m seeing her on monday. a quick turnaround because of the holidays. i was actually tempted to cancel our session yesterday because of this, but i’m glad i didn’t because i want to talk more about this in a few days.

i’m going to be okay. by the time february rolls around it will be an adjustment, but after a few weeks i’ll get used to it. she also pointed out that we have the entire month of january to continue talking about this and processing it at the office i have been seeing her at for seven years.

god do i hate change. i think i’m flustered because therapy has helped me process and deal with a lot of changes, but now therapy is what is changing, at least an aspect of it. it’s throwing me off.

[wisteriadaisies]

i told my therapist that anxiety is like my hobby and she went “aren’t hobbies supposed to be fun and fulfilling” like damn therapist

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i’m going on a long weekend trip next weekend to visit my brother. flying there, which i haven’t been on a plane since 2016. my sister is coming as well which helps a lot.

i’m not that anxious though? of course i have some anxiety, but i mostly feel excitement. my therapist pointed it out today too (yes i saw her today, she had a few sunday appointments bc she’s going on vacation tomorrow and won’t get back until next wednesday and she’s never gone that long without seeing clients so she added sunday) that i’m approaching this trip differently than other trips. it’s nice and i’m proud of myself :)

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i was spiraling over something work related this morning. thankfully i had therapy a few hours later, but i was crying on the way there and having suicidal thoughts. just really fucking going there.

and my therapist was like…. it’s fine. everything is okay. it’s not as big as a deal as you are making it out to be. her calm vibes really helped, being able to talk about my worries and the negative self talk i was experiencing, as well as her being an experienced therapist not thinking it was a big deal. didn’t make my anxiety go away obviously, but it was way less than it was when i first arrived.

just really thankful for therapy. didn’t think i would still be here seven years later (seeing her weekly too!) but it helps a lot so why not keep doing it?

[wisteriadaisies]

had therapy today. it was only four days since my last session, but i’m switching to mondays which is why i had a short turnaround.

it was a nice session. talked mostly about my graduation. my therapist got teary eyed and choked up a few times, and also told me she is proud of me. it meant a lot to hear that from her, and while i don’t like seeing people cry, it was also nice that me graduating / my journey made her emotional.

i mustered up the courage to thank her for these past seven years. for supporting and encouraging me, always listening and validating. (she went “are you breaking up with me” 😭😅) i hate being vulnerable, but i am glad i was open with her :)

my focus right now is to ride the wave of these big, overwhelming feelings around graduating just two days ago and being done with school. because they will pass. and also focusing on being present and taking everything one day at a time.