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Ted: I think that in every universe but this one, Schlatt’s a furry. Like, that’s like the same thing.
Schlatt: Well…
Ted: Oh?
Tucker: I could actually see that. It’d be cat based though.
Schlatt: No, it would not be cat based, no no. Definitely not.
Ted: He’d be a big goat man. He’d be a big goat man.
Schlatt: Furries are… yeah, I mean, no one— there’s no cat furries, that’s weird.
Ted: He already has a fursona, he’s a goat man.
Schlatt: Yep. It’s true.
Ted: He likes to eat cans.
Schlatt: Would you say the Lord’s name in vain?
Michael: God no.
[All gasp]
Charlie: Michael! Jesus Christ—
[All gasp]
[Ted and Michael laugh]
Schlatt: I mean, holy shit guys—
[All exclaim]
Schlatt: Ted, be careful.
Charlie: Ted.
Ted: Now wait just a goddamn—
[Thunder rumbles]
[All scream]
Charlie: It’s his light.
Schlatt: Holy fuck!
Charlie: It’s come to take us.
Ted: For our audio listers, love you to death, Boruff just made lightning strike in the studio.
Charlie: Boruff just called God into the studio.
Schlatt: It’s rapture.
Schlatt: Yeah, I feel like religion is… when it’s forced on people, that’s the quickest way to make someone not religious. It’s like a city slicker having to live in the city their whole life and then wanting to move out somewhere quiet. Or, a rural head, little farmer boy, living in a farm his whole life, wanting to move to the big city. Yknow, you want the opposite of what was forced upon you.
Ted: Yeah, that’s usually how it goes. Usually it’s opposites, yknow?
Schlatt: Yeah. Yknow, you’ve been fucking pussy your whole life, maybe you want to try something new.
Ted: Was that related to what we were talking about or are you just saying that?
Schlatt: Huh? Hm?
Ted: Alright, Tucker, what’s the next one?
Schlatt: Speaking of limbs…
Charlie: Okay. Worrying.
Schlatt: I was watching some— how’s that for a segue, “speaking of limbs”.
Charlie: Not super great depending on where it’s going but…
Ted: When you address the segue, it reduces in quality.
Charlie: Oh! How about this. How about this. Hey, let me go out on a limb here. Oh!
Schlatt: Oh! Shit!
Charlie: That’s good!
Schlatt: Zinger!
Charlie: That’s a fucking segue!
Schlatt: Attaboy, dude, dap me up [claps].
Charlie: I got you [claps].
Schlatt: Ow. Dude, not that hard.
Charlie: Oh that— this was— that was weirdly sensual what you just did.
[Schlatt moans]
Charlie: How do you fucking eat— How do you eat a can— I like don’t know how to eat this. Like—
Schlatt: Suck on it.
Ted: Yeah, I think you just—
Charlie: Live?
Schlatt: You put your mouth—
Charlie: Live?
Schlatt: Put your pretty mouth on it and shove it down your throat.
Charlie: That’s crazy. That’s fucking crazy.
Ted: You curl your pretty lips ‘round that— ‘round that candy cane.
[Schlatt laughs]
Charlie: I’m never coming back, dude. I’m actually never coming back.
Ted: And you start moving it up and down.
Charlie: There’s no other way to do that, right? There’s no other fucking way.
Schlatt: No, no. You need to lick it.
Charlie: Once when I was a kid, I choked on a strawberry and my brother laughed at me instead of helping me for like a full minute. And I didn’t know what to do so I tried to like give myself CPR on a kitchen table. And then I jumped up straight in the air, because I was a stupid kid and low to the ground and I guess this made sense, and fully land like a seal on my stomach and just comically launch the strawberry out of my mouth and I think I would’ve died that day if I didn’t do that.
Charlie: [Doing a funny voice for the turtle] Hey, everybody. I’ve just given up on working on my addiction. It’s who I am now.
Schlatt: I am wasted. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.
Ted: Alright, man. I'll talk to you next week then, okay. Good to see you.
Schlatt: l've got some people to kill.
Ted: Yeah, honestly, Schlatt, I'll say, without the headphones on actually, this is kind of a look.
Schlatt: Huh?
Ted: It looked more intense with the headphones on but the glasses do look good without the headphones on. It's like a vibe. I'm vibing with it.
Schlatt: You think?
Ted: Yeah, no, you're looking good right now. I like this, I genuinely like this. This is a good— you’ve got a crisp cut.
Schlatt: Do you think so?
Ted: Yeah.
Schlatt: Do you think I look hot?
Ted: Yeah, I'm proud of you.
Schlatt: Would you fuck me or would you marry me? Or would you—
Ted: I'd kill you.
Schlatt: Okay, well, I was gonna fuck you.
Schlatt: And marry Tucker.
Schlatt: And kill Charlie.
Schlatt: Which means I've got two to go.
