May 20
My whole body aches from running too much, and instead of taking today off of running (and other exercises) like I told myself to, I went on a quick mile run and now my body wants to self destruct
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My whole body aches from running too much, and instead of taking today off of running (and other exercises) like I told myself to, I went on a quick mile run and now my body wants to self destruct
Wow, okay so technically yesterday was my 19th birthday, yay! Had my first picnic that I've been trying to have for like two years now lol. We took lots and lots of pictures!
Okay, I was looking through the pictures with my group and noticed how long and lanky (like always, tall people struggles) I look. I brought it up and said, "I look so long, lanky, and awkward" and everyone said, "yeah, you always look long and thin" heh, okay ego boost
Anyway, I'm looking through the pictures right now and noticed that I really am thin. I always see my thighs as huge and they're such a bother to me, but it these photos, they don't look how I see them on a regular basis, but according to others, that's just how I've always looked?
Body dysmorphia is so annoying because genuinely, I have no clue what I look like anymore
Shoutout to my sister for the bomb ass photos though 🤤🤤
Only thing truly keeping me from getting sicker is the fact that my parents will notice and make it a lecture instead of consoling me or making me feel better.
Like okay, sorry I'm not eating well even though there are people starving out there. Sorry I don't know why I feel this way 😂✌️
I always feel that the sadness I feel is forced and fake because I feel sad almost everyday. How do I know if I'm not just gaslighting myself into feeling sad?
Threw up just to eat 3x more than I did before throwing up. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Ew. I talk a lot
I ate too much. That's my fault. While waiting for my sweet potato to bake, I had two slices of pizza (dawg ). Then when my yum yum sweet potato was done, my dumb bum brother was like, "Is that sweet potato chips?" And I just stare at him because I know he just wants to eat it. Mind you I had already measured everything out perfectly before baking so giving him some would make me spiral. My dad made me give him some anyway saying, "Whatever we make, your brother is entitled to some". Wtf... I don't really give a gaf if he's only 8, I had asked him before I even thought about making my food if he was hungry and he didn't answer.
Okay so then I was in a bad mood cause, dude, what the Kirk. After eating my sweet potato, I ate another slice (the last slice) of pizza to spite my brother. Then I ate two chips because I had triggered a start button in eating the whole damn house. Managed to stop myself from eating more but felt disgusted in myself. Disgusted at how I haven't even made much progress even though I cry about this every night and contemplate my life because of it.
So, I went to the bathroom, locked the door and turned on the exhaust. I hate throwing up, but I didn't know what else to do other than exercise (I'm a lazy bum). But the throwing up part, bruh. Every thing I ate was coincidentally ALL ORANGE! So I didn't even know what was throwing up each time. And the tastes were all muddled together so I was so confused. I stopped right after I started tasting stomach acid and my throat started to burn. No clue how much I managed to throw up since I ate the first two pizzas a while before my sweet potato was done. Ruh roh
I'm a freak 💔
If suicide wasn't haram, I would never have made it past 16 years old. The way I used to pray and hope I didn't make it past high school because I genuinely didn't (and still don't) know what I'd even add to the world was insane.
And so when people say, "Yeah, anorexia and/or bulimia will kill you" I genuinely don't give a shit. That's literally the point for me
Too bad I'm a grade 1 pussy, I'm scared of what comes after death. I hate the unknown 🤬
Also my family would miss me and it'd be selfish of me to even attempt to do it anyway. Sighs dramatically
Kms
No cause it's literally just a metabolism reset, I promise. Like I HAD to eat 3,500 calories three days straight.
Okay, I'll stop doing that 😔