Loser Chud

18 I'm too scared to tell anyone else

[mila-lilaa]

TW for my page

Hello, I decided to finally actually use my tumblr account for something and I've recently been struggling with eating habits and body dysmorphia. This account is for anonymity and my name is NOT Mila, but you can address me as so lolz. I am an 18 year old girl in college for biochemistry! This page will be used as a diary since journaling cramps my hands lolz.

I am NOT a pro-ana or pro-ed account! I am never one to promote any eating disorders. This is just a space to vent about my feelings and experiences, as well as MY OWN problems. I do not encourage any ED behaviors!

Although I myself struggle with my own eating problems, I would never tell anyone else to restrict their eating or harm themselves in order to better their looks!

Please think about the risks of different eating disorders before being influenced by the glamorized parts shown on social media pages!!

If you're recovering or are recovered, I don't recommend interacting with my page as I might bring up triggering topics, please stay safe!

Tags are just for reaching others really, I hate tagging

Read on with caution, weight below...

With the warnings aside now, though this is mostly for me, these are my stats(?)

Height: 5'11 (feet), or 180.34 cm, or 71 in

Sw: 153 lbs, or 69.4 kg - February 2026

Current weight: 138.8 lbs, or 62.96 Kg - May 16th 2026

Goal weight: Death

I'd like to make friends in this community and see what everyone is up to! Follow or message me to be mutuals!

[mila-lilaa]

Seeing others consider 1,600 calories a binge makes me cringe cause my "binge" is only considered a binge if I know I'm full but I keep eating. That or if I get over 2,500 - 3,500 calories

Whoops

[mila-lilaa]

Okay fine, stone me to death. 4,332 calories today and ZERO exercise. How? I don't even know.

It's okay though, trusttt! It's called replenishing glycogen 😋

I can't stomach anything else right now, help

Kms lol.

[mila-lilaa]

I eat, I want to kms. I don't eat and STILL want to kms. At this point I should just do it and get it over with already 🫩

[mila-lilaa]

Stop mommy! I HAVE to go to the gym everyday with no rest days, I promise you that's what all the gym bros are doing! Please mother!

lol, my mum doesn't want me to go to the gym everyday single day because in her words, "only jobless people do that". Mind you I've been unemployed my entire life 😭

Also the gym is the only place I can workout in peace for a longer period of time without my siblings ruining it for me

[mila-lilaa]

I can't stand it. I hate being so utterly repulsed by my own flesh. I wish I didn't care about this but it's the only thing on my mind now. It's a plague, infesting my mind and burying itself in my core. How the fuck do I dig out this feeling and kill it?

Kms.

[mila-lilaa]

Sent a risky subtle vulnerable text to a friend at 12:38AM (00:38) about what's going on with me. She hasn't seen it yet and I can't unsend the message! My boldness has dissolved into nerves now and if she does answer I'm just going to say some bullshit like, "Oh, I was just overreacting and I'm fine now"

Kms

[mila-lilaa]

No, technically I didn't eat those three cosmic brownies cause I'm going to workout and burn them off anyway

[mila-lilaa]

High calorie intake days = higher activity days

I love exercising now. Wow, crazy to say that knowing how lazy I am

[mila-lilaa]

I’m crine, why’s my chemistry class making s’mores today 😭

I can’t eat marshmallows cause of the gelatin anyways, so whatever

[mila-lilaa]

I ate chocolate with graham crackers lol. Just a bit

[mila-lilaa]

I’m crine, why’s my chemistry class making s’mores today 😭

I can’t eat marshmallows cause of the gelatin anyways, so whatever

[mila-lilaa]

I weighed my dinner only to put it away like six times tonight trying to decide if I should eat or not. It frustrated me so much that I felt like crying. Decided to just eat gum to pass the night.

Kms

[mila-lilaa]

Basically ate for a family of 3 today, okay.

Kill myself

[mila-lilaa]

I finally decided to weigh my food in front of my parents and my dad got angry at me?? No good reason either, he just wanted a reason to be agitated probably. It's just measuring food. I mean in my case it's more than that, but literally no one knows and they all just think I'm really into fitness now (in a way I am, lolz).

[mila-lilaa]

I've fallen deeper into the already deep hole of constantly exercising. I don't give myself a break. I tell myself, "okay just a short recovery walk" and then end up running, walking, running, walking, instead of letting my body rest. I just have the urge to burn calories every single second now

[mila-lilaa]

I don't feel guilty when I overeat, I just get this feeling of impending doom that doesn't end. The same feeling I get when running from something in a nightmare where I end up dead by the end of it.

[mila-lilaa]

Had one good week of staying consistent with both my workouts and making sure I didn't eat over my deficit and now I think I can eat whatever I want.

I've been eating either just below or a smidge above maintenance for the past 5 days now. I guess I have to actually kms now and live up to my promises or something like that 😔