#churchly stuff

[porchwood]

I just read your last post and am so sorry. I wish I was there with you so I could wrap you in a hug and tell you that it is going to be all right. I with I was there to tell you that it is darkest before dawn. I fear you suffer more than most because you are intelligent and have an active imagination. You are capable of thinking of the terrifying "what if's" with more detail than the average person. Don't let your own thoughts torment you. I know you are a strong person. (1/2)

(2/2)Wether you realize it now or not you have already come through so much. Remember, God has already promised you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He did not bring the Isrealites into the Egyptian desert to die. He brought them to a land flowing with milk and honey. I know God has not forgotten you Elisabeth. Maybe all of these things are happening for some greater unseen purpose. Please know that you are loved and that I am praying for you. Things will be alright for you again you'll see

Thank you, dear (deer <3) one. The Twilight Zone scenario was a little out there, I admit, but I was in this black hole of gloom where a supernatural explanation made more sense than any logical one. My life has gone back to where it was right after my hysterectomy, and it’s terrifying because you typically get through things by thinking about how they’re going to get better soon/eventually. After my car accident in December 2013 (the start of the bad year(s)) people kept telling me how awesome things were going to be in a few months but instead they got worse and worse. (After that a few people started telling me that maybe I should come to terms with the possibility that things will NEVER get better and/or that “Maybe good things aren’t happening to you because YOU are the good thing God is providing for other people,” which is a lovely thought but awful to tell a broken person.)

So I’m hopefully crawling back out of that awful pit, but things still don’t look positive and that scares me so much. On top of all the ick that’s happened I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost before my hysterectomy (there are oodles of good life-and-stress reasons for that but I feel ugly and weak and overweight nonetheless) and my sister and I have been having these terrible fights, and it’s probably the lamest thing to say but I so badly want someone to just HUG me. (I have a little dog that I can hug and she’s my whole world, but there’s no one to hug me back.) I always thought I understood the touch deficit I talked about in my elder care classes but it’s a whole new thing to realize you live with a close relative and you still don’t get physical touch.

I wish you were here too, hon, so very much! <3 I’d happily make you a nice hot drink whether you gave me a hug or not, but the hug would be so wonderful.

I have a hard time seeing myself as strong (my Stephen Minister and I talked about this a lot, actually) because it doesn’t feel like there was ever a choice in the matter. I have a dog and bills so I have to get up and keep going every day. I was walking for most of my second day post-op (to the astonishment of the nurses) because the doctor wanted to keep me for three nights and I knew I couldn’t afford that; I knew I had to get back to some kind of work/income as soon as possible so I was pushing to start data entry from home ASAP, even though I was nauseous and grief-stricken and healing from an awful invasive surgery. Is that strength or survival? I honestly don’t know. :/

I actually have the “hope and a future” verse on a magnet on my fridge, and it’s been there for probably eight years now. I don’t NOT believe it (okay, maybe I’m getting a little doubtful after this long :/) but it’s getting harder to cling to. After my Job year (-plus) a tiny part of me is wishing desperately for a Job 42 conclusion to the story (fortunes restored in and given back in double and a life more blessed than the one I had before, complete with beautiful - in my case, miraculous - daughters and a long life)... Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s how it works, but it would be the most wonderful thing. Too wonderful to imagine, really.

Thank you so much for your sweet asks, little doe. It means so much that you reached out to me, let alone with such gentleness and compassion, and it’s always heartwarming to find another Christian on Tumblr. 

Blessings on your evening, dear heart. <3

[porchwood]

Seeing your tags about your surgery and why God did it broke my heart. It's not at all God that has done this to you, he hates to see humans suffer so much. It's really Satan, the Devil, that is the root of all our suffering. He is on control of the world right now. But soon God is going to bring justice to the world, and reverse all the badness. He'll grant us whatever good desire that we have. You'll get your children someday, I know it.

I’m sorry for making you sad, sweetheart. :( I know that Satan is alive and well and scheming like crazy, and I feel like he’s had his eye on me of late. I’ve mentioned feeling like Job now and again, but the past year was a true Job experience - very much a “While he was still speaking…” series of misfortunes. One by one, every leg has been pulled out from under me and I’m having a (really) hard time trusting God that things will come out right somehow, let alone not blaming Him for letting them get so bad. :(

But all of that aside: thank you so much for this note, mystery friend. It’s wonderful to hear from a fellow Christian in the Tumblr community, and I hope you’re right about getting my children someday. <3 For someone who never really planned on having kids, I’ve had their names in my head for decades, and I always kind of thought I’d be the one to have twins (we have them on both sides of the family and are due a set in this generation)…

[porchwood]

Thoughts and intentions

I recently established a weekly coffee date with a beloved local friend that I haven't seen in ages (a kindred soul who just might be a bit of a witch and who, I'm beginning to suspect, might also have the spiritual gift of word of knowledge). Our first meetup consisted of loads of catching-up, especially regarding my surgery/related events, but when we got together this past Thursday, things got down to brass tacks, as it were. We talked quite a bit about my massage therapy plans and I made a comment about wanting to continue to focus on writing too, as I was thinking that might be the more important of my two goals. To which she replied, quite somberly and directly: "I think they're both equally important. You're supposed to do both."  

I went on to explain that WtM and my other writing projects have fallen almost entirely by the wayside since my car accident last December *cough cough Satan cough*, to which this wise friend replied, with gentle insistence, "Okay, so the accident happened, and not to belittle it, but you're physically okay, right?" And I knew exactly where this was going. (Somewhere between "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived" and "Resist the devil and he will flee from you, silly girl!", if you're curious. :D)

And of course, she was entirely, excruciatingly right. I never intended to use the car accident or subsequent stress/financial problems (or for that matter, my hysterectomy) as a crutch or excuse for losing energy, drive, and focus on my writing projects, but it's happened nonetheless, and if fanfic is truly part of my holy calling - as I believe with my very being - then I should let nothing stand in the way of it. I should be barreling through hardships with a grin because I know (know know KNOW) that this is what I'm supposed to be doing, it's what God wants me to do, and therefore He will ultimately help me to accomplish it, right?

*grins like an idiot at this simple but pivotal epiphany*

What's more, said conversation/epiphany also gave me a sharp new perspective on Tumblr and PMs/asks/similar correspondence.

As far as the former: I love seeking out beautiful pictures and quotes and posting them here, both for my own pleasure and that of my followers/readers/curious passersby, but I've felt so guilty about doing so when I should be writing, corresponding, etc. that I've racked up a draftbox of over 3,200 posts! Posts that might speak to any or all of you, but I've sat on them like a broody hen because I felt guilty about posting! How utterly foolish am I??

And as for the latter: I receive a healthy volume of messages through Tumblr and FFnet, and I'm often so overwhelmed between wanting to answer every single one of them thoroughly and having so little time and energy to do so that, in despair, I quit before I ever get started and don't reply to anyone - which, of course, helps no one, least of all me, as falling behind on correspondence makes me feel terrible beyond expressing. :( 

The way I see it, I'm sort of a cross between the boy throwing the starfish back into the ocean and the hummingbird trying to put out the forest fire one drop of water at a time: charged with seemingly futile tasks in the face of overwhelming need - but which tasks might, in fact, mean the world to those on the receiving end. It kills me to admit that I'm not able to personally respond to every message I receive, but I'd venture to say that even the briefest response might mean the world to someone.

So that overflowing inbox is firmly on my list of worthy goals too. :)

I think that's the ramble for tonight. Blessings to you all for listening, yet again, and I'll tuck you in with some pretty visuals. <3

Love, Elisabeth

[porchwood]

Now rest beneath night's shadow The woodland, field, and meadow; The world in slumber lies. But you, my heart, awaking And prayer and music making, Let praise to your Creator rise. The radiant sun has vanished, His golden rays are banished From dark'ning skies of night; But Christ, the Sun of gladness, Dispelling all our sadness, Shines down on us in warmest light. Now all the heav'nly splendor Breaks forth in starlight tender From myriad worlds unknown; And we, this marvel seeing, Forget our selfish being For joy of beauty not our own. Lord Jesus, since You love me, Now spread Your wings above me And shield me from alarm. Though Satan would devour me, Let angel guards sing o'er me: This child of God shall meet no harm. My loved ones, rest securely, For God this night will surely From peril guard your heads. Sweet slumbers may He send you And bid His hosts attend you And through the night watch o'er your beds.

Paul Gerhardt, "Now Rest Beneath Night's Shadow" (Nun ruhen alle Wälder), 1647 (tune here)

[porchwood]

Visit Original Link

"If Ye Love Me" (Thomas Tallis) - Robert Shaw Festival Singers (O Magnum Mysterium)

If ye love Me, keep My commandments, and I will pray the Father, and He shall give you another Comforter, that He may bide with you for ever, ev'n the Spirit of truth.

(John 14:15-17a)

Uploading this one because silly Spotify and YouTube don't have the glorious Robert Shaw version (sacrilege!)...

[porchwood]

Lord of All Hopefulness (Slane) — Choir of Ely Cathedral

Lord of all hopefulness, Lord of all joy, whose trust, ever childlike, no cares could destroy, be there at our waking, and give us, we pray, your bliss in our hearts, Lord, at the break of the day. Lord of all eagerness, Lord of all faith, whose strong hands were skilled at the plane and the lathe, be there at our labours, and give us, we pray, your strength in our hearts, Lord, at the noon of the day.

Lord of all kindliness, Lord of all grace, your hands swift to welcome, your arms to embrace, be there at our homing, and give us, we pray, your love in our hearts, Lord, at the eve of the day.

Lord of all gentleness, Lord of all calm, whose voice is contentment, whose presence is balm, be there at our sleeping, and give us, we pray, your peace in our hearts, Lord, at the end of the day.

~ Jan Struther

***

This is another one for my grieving anon. <3 I'm dealing with some rough stuff myself at present and this hymn keeps callling to me. I thought I'd post it for both of our sakes - and any others who could use a little comfort and cheer right now.

[porchwood]

leftoflovely replied to your quote “If I should find you outside, I would kiss you; I would not be…”

Just out of curiosity, do you see Song of Solomon as a literal story of a man and woman, or a metaphor of God and His people?

All of the above? :D When I was a young teen, I devoured Roberta Kells Dorr’s Solomon’s Song and part of me will always relate the Scripture passages back to her retelling of the love story between a young Solomon and Shulamit, even though it’s probably been twenty years since I read it! (She does a fantastic job of tying everything together and I’d highly recommend the book to anyone who enjoys historical fiction/romance.) But on the flipside, it’s also such a powerful, beautiful metaphor for Christ and His church - and in such lush, stunning language to boot!

I’d love to hear your thoughts - and those of anyone else who wants to chime in! :D

[porchwood]

amnowels replied to your quote “If I should find you outside, I would kiss you; I would not be...”

Oh. My. Gosh. I am in love with the fact that WTM is so full of Jesus! #overwhelmedwithlove

Awwwww, thank you so much, new friend! <3 This makes me so happy! :D

I didn't set out to write an overtly Christ!Peeta in WtM, but tiny little references kept creeping into chapters and then there was a huge moment in Ch 11 where I had a preconceived idea of how a scene would go (and had written oodles of notes for it) but when I got to actually writing out that scene, Christ!Peeta did something else entirely and it was so right that I couldn't imagine how I had ever expected anything else! (If you're curious, it's the sequence when they have their "fight." Peeta walks away for a moment but catches weeping, devastated Katniss when she's trying to leave the house, wraps her up in his bearskin, and begs her not to leave him - and then proceeds to explain how much he cares for her and wants her to be happy. I'm ashamed to admit how I originally thought the scene would go!)

There are a couple of pretty overt Christ!Peeta references already in what I've written of Ch 12; one is slightly more subtle/obscure and the other is almost glaring. As I was writing the paragraph where said reference appears I paused for a moment and said, "Oh Lord, am I really going there?" and the answer was "Well...yeah." :D Said reference may even recur before the end of the chapter (which is still a distant light at the end of the tunnel) - I got clobbered with an idea for a really cool sequence during church tonight, so I might finally be out of this dismal standstill-rut!

Incidentally, this Lenten season (and especially the hymns thereof) is making me ache for a proper Christ!Peeta. If, you know, anyone's bored. ;D (I'm really angling for a "Dark Night of the Soul" Christ!Peeta/Soul!Katniss allegory, but I'm also looking at sneaking a bit of that into WtM, if it fits when the time comes.)

To be perfectly honest, friend, I feel like WtM is a story I'm supposed to be writing, in a God's-plan-for-your-life sort of fashion. I keep hearing from new people who've been comforted or cheered or sustained through painful times just by reading a chapter, which tells me that WtM is becoming much more than the simple fairytale fanfic it was intended as at its inception. So as these little Christ references creep in, it's hard not to say, "Well, of course." :D

I suspect I will think of loads more to say as soon as I post this ramble. In the meantime, plan on a "set me as a seal" reference in Ch 12. And maybe a few other Christ!Peeta glimmers besides. :D

P.S. I've had a couple of other readers catch on to the Christian themes in WtM, which delights and encourages me to no end, and I owe you all a proper response. Please bear with me just a little longer, you precious souls! <3